Parents of anxious kids/teens support thread(part 2)

[Stilllivinginazoo]

Hi everyone
Our original thread filled up fairly fast so I'm offering a second one
Anyone who cares for a child/teen with anxiety can join us as a comment,or hang around
Post your worries,your tips,ask for advice,rant about your day -we understand
Also feel free to share any small victories

1step I really don't know if DD will every be ready to go to class. She says she just feels so stressed all the time. She doesn't know why but she just can't cope with certain classes. She's fine with history, drama and photography. She's normally ok with English but her teacher has been off for the last few weeks and she doesn't know when she'll be back. They've had a cover teacher who has been giving them different work to do, which from what DD says, seems to be unrelated to what they're currently working on and just keepting them busy until the teacher returns. She's also fine with music as long as it's performing and not theory.

Anne I am working with the school. I am in daily contact with student support, telling them how DD's feeling and trying to work out a way to get her into classes. But there's only so much she can take at the moment. She's only been back a few days after her week off and already she is unable to cope. She told me last night that if she went to school today, she felt like she would have a breakdown. She feels like they're pushing her to do too much, too quickly. She really wants to be able to go to classes and she knows it's bad that she has missed so many but she just can't deal with it. She doesn't know why she feels this way.

I really don't know what to do. I can take her back to the GP but how can they help, other than to refer her to CAHMS which could take months or years. Maybe we'll have to try private counselling again. I'm going to ask them about the ASD assessmemt. Does anyone know what help you can access if you get a diagnosis?

I've had to take the day off work. I feel like I'm constantly on the verge of tears and I really can't concentrate on anything. I can't wait for the school holidays so I don't have to deal with this two weeks. I know that DD will be fine, even happy, for most of it. She's always happy until the weekend before they go back, then the dark cloud comes back.

Zoo, I'm sure at times DH would think I was a bit like your DP. I take antidepressants for DS1's sake. He is better when I am more level. His emotions are closely aligned with mine. If I am down, stressed etc his anxiety is higher. DH copes, sleeps etc. much better than me, but I put on a mask and pretend because DS' and DD2 need me and I am determined to give them a normal a life as possible as DD1 would want.

Anne and Katalex, at a very basic level you can have cards - red not OK, amber anxiety rising help me not get to red, green OK. Doesn't require speech, but does require an ability to know how one is feeling - something we are working on. Anne, written communication can be so much easier for high functioning teen girls.

An ASD diagnosis will bring your DD understanding of herself. It may bring understanding from others, at least in some people. School could ask the ASD specialist teacher for advice. It will bring her future protection in adult life under the Equality Act. It will bring with it an ability to apply for autism support via DSA for university. There may also be local autism support groups or services, or after care. Although you don't need a diagnosis for DLA, an assessment is evidence of need, and you do need evidence. At a more general level an ASD diagnosis allows you to name an ASD specialist school - something we can't for DS1 because he doesn't have ASD (though does have complex MH problems, and a diagnosis of something that has some similarities to autism), despite the schools potentially being suitable.

The GP can chase CAMHS, can test for deficiencies - particularly B12 and VitD, may know of local charities that they can direct you to.

If DD really can not manage school, then you need to get her signed off, the LA will become responsible for providing education, and apply for an EHCP. And via that or otherwise your DD would benefit from seeing an Educational Psychologist, an OT and SaLT.

You need to get to the bottom of why she's not going to some classes. What's different? Teaching style, her confidence, the environment, the work is too difficult (objectively rather than DD just saying that) etc. Why can she not go to theory music lessons? Why does the fact the English work is unrelated mean she is struggling? Without knowing why she's struggling you won't be able to move forward.

Look up parental leave.

Hospital appointment this morning didn't go well, the break needs resetting under GA, but they haven't got a suitable bed to admit him to at the moment. The staff were brilliant with DS though.

How long will you have to wait to get the break sorted one-step?
I have anxiety and depression.i came off meds few years back as j was getting crippling migraines and couldn't see.ive not been able to find another that I can get on with so have to suck it up and just do my best.i do feel very frayed around the edges often.i am not as calm as I would like to be but I battle forwards doing best I can to be ok for everyone else.you just have to dont you.

Tutor upset D's today by suggesting after Xmas they start going out a bit as her remit has become to ease time between D's and i.so he gets used time apart.he is not happy at all with this idea,esp as currently his predominant experience of that is being put in situations required tackle his anxiety with OT.she try explain its not her job challenge his anxiety so he can choose what they do and when he's had enough come home.he still is fearful it will be getting him upset/in a state like OT does.tutor suggested cinema,bowling,a cuppa in a cafe.bless her,she doesn't realise these are all very hard tasks he cannot do at present...
I said we would have a good chat about things over Xmas and think some ideas.shes coming Tuesday to start art project for dads Xmas gift and will leave stuff to finish it if she's off Thursday(thinks they may be breaking Thursday lunchtime)
She's said first few sessions back will be very short to ease him back in and reiterated to him it's at his pace,do he can set times etc.x

Zoo, I'm sure at times DH would think I was a bit like your DP. I take antidepressants for DS1's sake. He is better when I am more level. His emotions are closely aligned with mine. If I am down, stressed etc his anxiety is higher. DH copes, sleeps etc. much better than me, but I put on a mask and pretend because DS' and DD2 need me and I am determined to give them a normal a life as possible as DD1 would want.

This x 100 for me too

1step thanks this is all really useful information. I talked to DD yesterday about why she thinks she can't go to certain lessons. Specifically with English, it's because, every lesson since her regular teacher has been off, they have been doing exam question practice - the same questions but with different texts. She finds it boring and repetitive and doesn't feel like she is learning anything. She is struggling to concentrate for very long right now (to be fair she's always had this problem to an extent) with all the issues she's dealing with in her head, so it is quite stressful for her when she knows that she will struggle with it. She wasn't sure about maths and science but thinks that it's the same issue with having to concentrate for long periods e.g. music theory vs performance.

Sorry to hear about DS's arm needing surgery. That's the last thing you need but it's good that the staff were good with him.

zoo - that's not good about the tutor upsetting your DS. I've found in the past with some teachers that, even when you explain to them multiple times how your DC's mind works and how they need to deal with them, they still don't get it. They mean well but often it takes a while to get through to them that they are not like all the other kids. DS was once upset because they were going to be in a different classroom with a different teacher - he doesn't cope well with change, especially if there's no warning. The TA saw that he was upset and excitedly told him that it would be fun today because they were going to be in a different classroom. I had to tell her that was the problem.

I'm ashamed to say that I broke down in front of DD this morning. She had been worrying last night that she had 3 lessons today that she wouldn't be able to go to and she thought that ss would make her go to one of them. I told her to talk to them and explain how she was feeling. She said she was awake half the night worrying about it and, although she managed to get dressed into her school uniform this morning, she was crying when I went in to tell her it was time to go. I tried the 'tough love' thing but it just made her cry even more. Eventually I had to leave to get DS to school on time and I told her that I would take her in when I got back and she had calmed down. However, when I got home, she was in bed sobbing and I felt so helpless. I did get her to agree to seeing a counsellor though. She said she needs time to work through her issues but I told her that she needs professional help. I also think I've finally got ss to agree to let her stay there as long as she needs. Even though they had already agreed to this twice, they keep telling her that they don't like having them in there for more than two lessons a day. I have told them that this is just going to mean that she will refuse to go to school at all and that one lesson is better than none. They agreed and apologised if DD felt that they were pressuring her.

Regarding DHs and DPs, mine is similar too. If I seem like I'm coping then DH will be fine but, as soon as I stop coping, that's when DH will be affected. He doesn't have the ability to put on a brave face in front of the kids. If he's angry or upset, we all know about it.

Morning all
Dd2 had bit a breakdown today,so fearful of two exams plus trip to late night shopping centre in next county with school she was in full fledge panic attack and even tears(she rarely cries)
I rubbed her back and did breathing exercises with her(she cannot tolerate hugs as feel like suffocating when upset) and then I reminded her worse thing scenario for her was fail exams(and it would change nothing.we would still love her the same etc) and freak out on coach/have huge panic away from those that know she gets upset.i said if you freak out those that care will be there to support you,and those that don't aren't worth worrying about.head learning will be on her coach as she's excellent with dd2 so I've no worries someone will be there if it were to happen.she down loaded film onto her phone for watch whilst travelling,but was still not out of attack by time to leave for school
I offered to walk her in,tears shed faster so I put my shoes on
I also pulled up her sleeve and drew pink heart on her forearm halfway up,same on mine and said this is our reminder we love each other and of me being there if you need me.she tried a smile and patted it..
I walked her talking about what could see,hear etc trying to ground her.o held her hand,which I've not done for a fair few years and put our hands in my pocket as she gets super cold hands when anxious.
Gave huge hug and told her I'm always going to love her no matter what,then I turned and walked away as she took deep breaths and headed thru gates
I'm so proud of her whatever happens she even got there❤️

Apologies for the ramble,I'm naturally very worried about her

Katalex - sounds like good progress with dd. It often has to get worse in order for you to have a breakthrough. I often find with dd that our best understanding comes from a really crappy thing we have had to try and navigate, deal with, understand and learn from.
It does sound like we are in very similar situations. Crying in front of the kids is not a problem in my eyes. I think they need to see how hard this on all of us and for my dd unless I am actually sobbing she doesnt realise I am upset - this is when she often will change her behaviour because she doesnt want to upset me.

Katalex, I have reported your post because you've left your DD's name in there.

As a stepping stone you could go out Zoo, and the tutor and DS stay at home. Do you have a local library? Tutors often work there and it's much quieter than bowling or cinema - though cinemas can be very quiet during the day.

I disagree with Katalex, the tutor presented the best plan for Zoo's DS, which sounds as though it has been discussed at the TAF? However they move forward Zoo's DS is going to be upset at times because he's doing things that are pushing him. He just can't rationally see that it is in his best interests. It is no good her DS being reliant on Zoo 24/7. It isn't healthy for either of them or Zoo's DDs. Zoo will end up burnt out and DS will end up in crisis. Children with MH problems are intense and I don't think avoiding making them upset is feasible because there will always be things that they find upsetting, even the smallest of things. I don't think your example, Katalex, with your DS changing rooms is the same.

Are they the actual reasons DD is avoiding lessons Katalex, or just what she thinks will stop the conversation? Because boring, repetitive and failure to see the merit would elicit a response of get on with it for any of my DC. In my opinion none of them are acceptable reasons for missing lessons. Everyone has to do things they fine boring. Arguably, exam practice is what makes the difference for GCSEs, and I would say it is essential to know how to answer the questions and what the examiners are looking for. I don't see it as not learning.

Having to concentrate for long periods of time is different and can be broken down - fidget toys, movement breaks, breaking tasks down, looking at where she is sat within the classroom, ear defenders...

Anne, not a criticism but just be aware that although DD may be changing her behaviour it may be masking and therefore not helpful long term. Rather than changing behaviour after the fact, looking at what is causing the behaviour in the first place and trying to change that may be more useful.

Zoo, I'm sorry DD2 was so upset this morning, I hope her day is better than she anticipates.

No beds this morning, I'm going to ring DS' specialist nurse after lunch and ask her to chase it. DS1 sees a lot of HCPs and most of them are brilliant with his MH needs.

Sounds really tough zoo :( Hope she is ok

Not taken as a criticism 1step. Having realised she has been masking for years I am now much more attuned. We talk a lot more and we regularly score her anxiety, and satisfaction. She is able to talk to me but noone else at the moment.
1st psychologist appointment tonight. Wish us luck

Good luck Anne.do let us know how you get on!

Pleased to report dd2 managed both papers,although wasn't fab in either setting
She's currently texting me intermittently en route to shopping trip.shes sat with girl who she's knows well,who also finds coach trips anxiety provoking,so good to support each other
I'm so proud of how well she's pushed thru today!

We made mistake of try stop D's distress and have ended up in very narrow life of not trying new things,managing work thru hard things.we don't go out,girls can't have anyone in.it crept up on me and it's very very hard to unpick but we have started and I mean to go on,little battles at a time.
I realise now the long-term goals outweigh his temporary distress and as long as we pace carefully what we are asking of him and take it incredibly slowly,with lots praise and talking about achievements often, I'm hoping it will also build skills and confidence so we get a double win/some semblance of a life back!

My partner's sisters coming up this weekend and staying with friends.shes asking see us Sunday(visiting from South coast.weve not seen her in 2years).dd2 reluctant to have visitors in as she's so stressed and needs her quiet safe space but happy see her outside the home so we have offered D's 4 options-
1)new place 30 mins away.a Xmas fayre in a "wedding barn"
2) familiar area.a stately home type building whose grounds visited before but not been inside house.also a Xmas fayre.20 minutes away
3)garden centre that has ice skating,lots lovely Xmas things to look at.been lots time to place,once since Xmas stuff came in.about 40 mins away
Lastly garden centre we have visited very often over the years.30 minutes away.has the works bookstore in it,along with tropical fish section.has Santa's grotto so will be busy

All of the above have varying levels things he finds hard- noise,busy,unfamiliar,unpredictable(small children /and dogs allowed in garden centres on leads).i don't mind which he opts for as long as picks one! Had we not had ADOS booked this weekend i may well have not added option 4,but I do feel as this is a huge deal for him esp as we travelling cross county when originally we had planned do it at local CAMHS it's reasonable to offer an easier choice.in an environment he has relative confidence he's likely to be able to potentially "show them around" and thus engage with them better.its first time they've seen him since his anxiety blew off the scale and it's going to be quite a shock I think when they see him unravel a bit in social setting,so if there's lots to provoke conversation hoping it will be less awkward?

Zoo - well done to dd2. I know exactly what you mean about how avoiding short term distress can cause more problems. They have to face their fears no matter how slowly.

Just got back from psychologist. Wow. Dd was told she needed to process her flashbacks (from recent incident) as they happen and not suppress them. She needs to draw a picture of what it looks and feels like, and imagine boy x as less scary with silly features so he takes on a less threatening presence. She came out with written instructions and homework. She understood the science behind doing this. I am super impressed with the way the psych dealt with her. I was in there for the first the first 15 mins and then dd said I could leave which is massive.

That's sounds really positive Anne.I love to hear of these experiences with professionals that go well

What a relief tonight went well, Anne. Amazing DD managed to engage directly with the psychologist on her own. If your DD can engage with that sort of therapy do the school offer 'Drawing and Talking', art therapy or therapeutic story writing? Plenty of mainstream secondary schools now do.

DS1 and I have flashbacks. From my perspective they appear incredibly real, for a child they must be even more frightening. I find keeping busy helps, though I am aware it isn't helpful long term, it's how I keep going.

Zoo, I think you are doing the right thing. For what it's worth Tier 4 CAMHS teams push DC, and from the outside this can appear intense. It is working for DS, we were on the edge of admission and now we are a few steps forward. Left DS would have almost certainly deteriorated further.

Can you pre warn SILs, asking them not to pass comment? How is your DS at making decisions? Sometimes DS1 is so indecisive that the thought of making a decision is anxiety provoking. To a lesser extent DS3 is the same. Well done to your DD2. I hope she enjoys this evening. Good luck with the ADOS.

Katalex, I hope the rest of the day has been quieter for you and DD.

Barring any emergency admissions needing the bed or slot DS1 is first on Monday morning's theatre list.

one-step depending on situation D's likes a couple options,whereas dd2 goes rabbit in headlights and then freaks out

As expected getting dd1 take us was 100%right thing to do,car Tri was completely calm and he was just a bit agitated on arrival at hospital.he was more upset when I had leave him to do ADOS alone,but they promised him if got too distressed I would be summoned.i wasn't and he was returned looking relieved was over!!
Trip to pick birthday cake(Wednesday)he chose Harry potter Hufflepuff cake on way home,along pick up craft bits at Hobbycraft

We started pompom making for interior door wreath which he liked

I decided on back doing so well we might try carol service and Xmas party at church.he was aware happening,but not deffo going.we have small church community(50ish? Regulars)so I decided better try for that than Xmas Eve service for kids which usually standing room only packed church
Songs sung with backing music,not organ he struggled but he took a favourite sheep toy and was given a glowstick and sat fiddling with that.i debated on whether to try the party.dd2 said initially that would be easier her than singing so I thought we'd try.no one ate(stressed I'm social situation,but lot that's lack practise) I asked pencil and paper and kids sat drawing D's toy sheep til quiz sheets came out.ds did spot difference and wordsearch for kids.help obscure plant question on adult sheet and sat youngest doing kids uiz sheet.he start get very agitated and ask how much longer after 35 mins.we stayed til ass parcel music got too much for him by which time we had managed almost an hour sat at a table with verger(we know well and she's chatty/funny.a lady he knowsfrom wellbeing cafe and 3very old ladies.dd2 struggled too and I was super proud of them both as well as boosted by social contact for myself!
On subject dd2 she panicked buying D's cake and I spoke her in evening that this continues doc app will have to happen.wr also agreed if she doesn't find week 2 mocks things get any easier we Willa's head year if round two mocks in Feb she might be allowed join dyslexic kids in library which much smaller exam setting see that helps
In all I've felt very proud them both today

I was very pleased 1step. I will explain the session to dd school so they can let me know if they do anything similar. Ref the flashbacks, the psych explained it really well to dd apparently and said you need to push the thing from your short term memory (constant flashbacks) to your long term memory (less of them) and the only way to do that is to stop suppressing them and allow your brain to process the thing. Whether that is talking, drawing, reliving or however. I guess it is like exposure therapy for phobias so it makes sense - face the fear and it no longer has power over you. Time will tell if dd is able to do this. She has forgotten everything the next day (verbal processing) so I had to show her the written sheet 🤦🏻‍♀️

zoo that sounds like amazing progress for all of you. Hopefully just gently pushing will start to reap it's own rewards. There will be days where it doesnt work but dont let that take you backwards, keep reminding him how well he is doing. If he constantly sees the negative like my dd he will forget al the positive when 1 negative occurs.

Wow Zoo, I call yesterday a success! Hopefully it won't be too long a wait for the results. The ADOS is an interesting assessment. The assessors pick up details you would never have thought they would. DD2 and DS3's were fascinating. Despite being sat in the corner of the room for one (wouldn't have coped on their own) and watching the other next door the assessors observations picked up things I didn't.

Did you ask about DD2 being assessed for ASD? Joining the library for exams sounds like a plan. I would ask regardless of how the coming week goes because DD2's anxiety for the actual exams will be higher.

Anne, even if DD remembers day to day during a flashback she may need prompting. If they continue you could investigate EMDR.

DS had his operation yesterday after becoming an emergency when he fell and DH took him to A&E. DH stayed with him last night and said they gave him some lorazepam overnight because he was distressed.

Sorry to hear that DS op was rush through 1step but at least it is now done I guess? Hope all is ok

How's D's today one-step

Yes, at least it's done with now. DS1 is OK. He's been playing with Lego and giving a Stormtrooper teddy a cast to match his. He would have coped better if he had been prepared for it but he could have reacted worse. DH is staying again tonight, DS1 would prefer me to stay, but he is more than fine with DH and DD2 is home from university so it's good opportunity for me to spend with her and DS2&3.

Zoo, how did today go with DP's sisters? Which option did DS choose?

He chose the local familiar garden centre option one-step
It was busy,lots kids seeing santa but he showed her the fish and some plants,then she gave them all £5 to spend and went sat cafe with dp for a chat/catch up whilst I took them to the in-store the works to look at books etc.girls started making choices of art/stationary I took him to the cacti and he fell in love with a succulent that was over his £5 budget

Dd's home again today and I feel so stressed about it. She keeps saying that it's too stressful and she needs more time. I'm going to try to take her in just for one lesson tomorrow and see how that goes. I know what you're all saying about avoiding school and I completely agree (even DD agrees), I just don't want to break her right now. At least there's not much going on in school this week. Then she'll have two weeks off, the time that she says she needs, and then I feel like I'm going to have to get tough with her in the new year, even if it means taking her in when she's upset. I don't know how I'll manage it but I don't want her falling even further behind.

She's going to see a counsellor this evening. She doesn't want to as she's very anxious about it but I told her that she needs to give it a chance. She doesn't think it's going to help and she doesn't like meeting new people or going to new places. She's also worried about having to talk about her emotions.

Just had text from dd2 freaked out with panic attack so bad had to go to head of learning office during history exam
I spoke surgery today and if I ring tomorrow morning I can book an app to see doctor for 5days time or go on triage for same day if she's having a really bad day
She's accepted she's not coping well enough to function by herself and is open to see them,so depending how she is in the morning I will either be having her home tomorrow to see them or booking for in hols.shes no exams tomorrow.i am saddened even though the big hardest ones and two a day are out of the way things are still deteriorating for her when she's pushing herself so well to keep going.shes been incredibly brave putting herself thru it day on day.not sleeping well.barely able to eat.breaking my heart

All this angst. It heartbreaking really.
I sobbed at the wheel of my car today after trying to get dd into a school. She had an inset day on friday song course didnt want to go today, add to this her flashbacks and it was very hard. Student support came out to the car and o reasoned with her for ages but it wasnt working. No way was I taking her home though. I started to cry so SSO took over and managed to get her in. She spent 4 of 6 lessons in student support.
I got home and she was worried i would be cross with her. She said I am normally calm but my stress today upset her. The SSO telling her I was crying is what made her go in as she hates to see me upset :/

Katalex, if DD really can't manage school I think you need to go to the GP to a) chase CAMHS referral and b) get her signed off sick and then the LA will become responsible for education. I hope this evening was easier than your DD imagined.

Zoo, I'm sorry DD2 found today difficult.

Anne, I think it was unhelpful student support cajoled DD into school by telling her you were crying. DD buried her feelings in order to 'people please'. They need to cajole DD into school by making school an easier environment for her, not by playing on her high functioning female autism traits. Is your DD aware of the physiological effects of flashbacks? We do a lot of work with DS about recognising that e.g. his increased HR is anxiety and how trying to control the physiological signs helps the mental ones. I hope you are OK this evening.

DS1 is home. I have a pile of admin (DC with additional needs create so much!) that needs doing but I don't have the energy for it. Feeling really low today.