Parents of anxious kids/teens support thread(part 2)

[Stilllivinginazoo]

Hi everyone
Our original thread filled up fairly fast so I'm offering a second one
Anyone who cares for a child/teen with anxiety can join us as a comment,or hang around
Post your worries,your tips,ask for advice,rant about your day -we understand
Also feel free to share any small victories

Thanks 1step. I didn't pick up on that from the sites I looked at (I guess she doesn't get her intelligence from me lol). I'll mention it student support and see if they are willing to assess her to ASD.

Thanks for the advice on the vitamin D.

I hope you all have a good weekend.

I agree with 1st step - your situation sounds so close to mine. FWIW we found that any time off school made the situation worse and so what helped was making attendance non negotiable. I dont care if she spends the entire day in student support (not happened yet, max has been 3 of 5 lessons) but she has to go. Avoiding increases the anxiety and next time is much worse.
It sounds to me like she is masking.

Zoo - ds is doing really well and adapting to new activities. There will be wobbles along the way...

Katalex, girls often present very differently to boys and people don't always see the signs until the girls can't keep up with the demands of teen or adult life. Schools don't always see the problems in high functioning females, so if they dismiss the suggestion I would still pursue an assessment if I was you.

Schools don't carry out ASS assessments, you will need a referral to whatever service assesses in your area - in some areas it is CAMHS and in others it's a separate neurodevelopmental team. Some areas need a GP referral, others a school referral and in some either. Like Anne, we find avoidance breeds further anxiety.

Zoo, when you get the EHCP draft make sure emotional literacy support is in section F. Remind DS that when has had a meltdown or panic attack previously that he has been OK afterwards.

We have had an afternoon playing board games. Averted an argument over whether Antebellum was a word. DS3, who was delighted with himself, nearly had a meltdown when DS2 accused him of making it up. If you managed your family down time Zoo I hope it was slightly less tense than ours.

one-step no idea what that is,but will check it through!
Games are either fab,or not...
Katalex hope school is a possibility tom.sending🍀🍀🍀🍀🍀

DS has bloods tom.we arranged get them done at docs with peadatric nurse who worked a+e and is both calm,quick and generally amazing.picked up cream Friday as he feels pain very intensely

Hope everyone's had half decent weekend
Dd2 heads into full on mocks tom.stressing madly as has 2.our English lit mock and 1.5 hour maths one between lessons.slog like that til break for xmas.whag sort of fresh hell on stressed parents is this doing Xmas and mocks together??

We love board games Zoo, until, well, somebody doesn't. Then a DS will snarl or growl at someone, mostly at another DS. DS' are very competitive. DS3 is a rule follower to a T. He follows rules even if he thinks they are unfair and will disadvantage him. He takes it very personally should anyone suggest he has strayed from the rules in any way.

You may have heard emotional literacy referred to as ELSA.

I hope the bloods go well. Prepare for DS' anxiety to rocket as soon as the Emla cream goes on. Some people find all it does is built the anticipation and just using numbing spray is better. Fingers crossed DD2's mocks pass uneventfully for you.

Thank you one-step
Took years to get dd2 master taking turns/ok not to win.ds just likes everyone doing something together.youngest flounces off if feels being targeted/is accused rule breaking.really should consider get girls tested...we fair best with non complicated rules games.dobble,Uno and dragon wood card games are popular,as is Jenga,go for broke and game of life.ds loves battleships and chess.cannot grasp guess who!i loved adding to the pile at xmas.deffo getting lexicon and whot card games

Dd is at school today. She was ok for most of the day yesterday but got more and more anxious throughout the evening and there were a few tears. She didn't get to sleep until 3am so I'm surprised I managed to get her out of bed. I wasn't confident that she was going to get out of the car when we arrived at school but she did. She sent me an update earlier saying that she went to the first two lessons, she's now in student support and she'll be going to the last lesson after lunch. I totally agree with you that avoidance makes it worse. She was saying this morning that she only wanted to go to drama (last lesson) but she didn't think she could manage the first three lessons. I think it helped that she knew that she could come home at any time if she needed to. Hopefully tomorrow will be easier for her.

I'll definitely look into the local procedure for getting assessed for ASD. We'll be going to the GP for a follow up in early January so I'll ask then.

Anne - how does your DD react when you tell her she has to go to school when she feels like she can't? The problem I have with my DD is that she will just sit on her bed in her pyjamas crying until I have to give in and take her brother to school, so he's not late.

Mocks at Christmas sounds like a nightmare stilllivinginazoo. I remember having to revise during the Christmas holidays for my mocks. I am absolutely dreading it when dd's exams come round. I hope your dd does well.

Zoo - qwirkle is a good game.

Katalex - 3 times I physically dressed her through the tears and meltdown until she realised I wasnt going to give in. Not going to lie it was absolutely awful. I then had to get student support officer to help me get her from the car. However, she them went to student support where it was quiet and safe and within an hour she was happy to go to lessons. If I had let her stay off she would have missed the whole day.
So now she knows that school is non negotiable and I wont back down it is still awful some days but slightly easier. I say i dont care if she sits in student support all day but she wont be sitting at home. Apart from anything else i need to go to work, and even if I didnt, I need a break. Many times I have sobbed in the cat after taking her. It is hard when you have a 2nd and there have been a few times I have had to get DH to take dd1 to help me get dd2 sorted but it was worth it.

In the car*

Clearly, if I thought the school was awful and they werent being supportive then I would have a different view, but on the whole they have been accommodating.

They can do more, of course. It sounds like dd was approached to fill out a 1 page form on friday which I understand is first step to get on SEN register? Slightly bemused as to why that's only just happening, but I imagine it may be a result of the psychiatrist phoning the school, or the fact they are having to do more and more for her.

Morning
Lost you all again - had to find the thread on google.
Wishing you all a merry Xmas.
Hoping we all have as stress-free a time as possible.
Nothing new here particularly - we are freezing, life is challenging, another job application another rejection, agencies will have to be the way to go in the New Year but tricky as childcare has to be fixed whereas supply is haphazard, a couple of meltdowns but DS is due to go on stage today...something I never would happen (it still might not, wish us luck), one incident at school rest of feedback positive in the circumstances, my 12 stitches left a brutal scar, I now have a big fringe but my self-esteem is at an all-time low, DH messed up DDs passport application so we won't see either at Xmas, I can't even...
Onward and upward though, eh?
Wishing you all a peaceful season and all the best for 2020
Rage Xx

Anne - I really hope it doesn't come to that. I'm not sure I would have the strength to do that, physically and mentally. She is bigger and stronger than me! I remember many times in reception I would cry all the way home after dropping her off at school. Every day, for the entire year, she would cry and cling onto me for dear life, while a teacher would try to prise her off hands off me and restrain her so I could leave the classroom. There was one time she was screaming so much that I didn't stop crying for a hour.

I forgot to mention that the head of science has agreed to let her switch to double science so that should help take some of the pressure off and get her back into science classes.

Waves at Rage

I had that in preschool and reception Katalex. Fingers prized off my neck one by one... Dd has major separation anxiety from me. She sees me as the only person who can keep her safe and resolve her problems. If I am not there then she won't be safe. :(

Katalex, the key is knowing the signs in your DC that indicate you can push on and the signs that if you push you'll reach crisis. With some things we push DS and at other times he can't be pushed because that would cause further harm. DS is out of school with an EOTAS package, but if there was a suitable placement he would be going because him being home with me 24/7 isn't in his, my other DS' or my best interests.

It's good news the head of science has allowed your DD to swap

Anne, DS has separation anxiety. He thinks everyone is going to leave him.

Zoo, good look with tomorrow's TAF. If I remember correctly your DS' EHCP goes to 'panel' later this week, if I remember rightly I hope the outcome is favourable. I put panel in ' ' because there may not even be one .

Rage, I hope DS managed his performance today.

DS1 has broken his arm during a meltdown. I didn't manage to grab him before he could hurt himself. It's a reminder that although we are in a much better place than previously there's still a way to go.

Sorry to hear about DS arm 1step. I imagine that will bring it's own problems :(

Thanks Anne, DS' anxiety is higher than usual. And don't we all know he is grumpy. Even less sleep than usual due to pain and his dislike of the temporary cast. At least with the temporary cast you don't run the risk of being accidentally whacked with it in bed - from experience that hurts.

We go to fracture clinic later in the week for a full cast. DS hasn't coped well with the fitting and changing of casts previously so it will be stressful all round.

one-step I'm so sorry to hear DS broke his arm.we do have TAF today,goes to panel 16 th(I believe)- 2 days before his 14 th birthday...got ADOS Saturday,which is start cause stress levels to rise as it's otherwise of county,strange place etc as we could be waiting very very long time at local camhs place for one.ive not told "d"p we are going.hes always bad with MH at xmastime so I don't want his stress making it more difficult than needs to be.dd1 is taking us
DS is my velcro boy.another desperation anxiety sufferer..
Dd2 mocks started monday.haf massive panic attack in second one (maths) as teacher had convinced her to try pepper above Foundation and she couldn't answer virtually any of it.has a toilet pass,so used it to try pull self down a bitshe was distraught when got home and it has raised her general anxiety thru the roof.anticipation anxiety has always been big for her but she's amazing at push herself to do stuff,but we are at point she's so overwhelmed by it doesn't want go to school.in constant state anxiety to point struggling to eat etc and she lost capacity to focus or follow thru tasks asked of her,saying in a minute them forgetting.shes too overwhelmed to even pick up a revision book to run thru for next days exams.we have barely achieved any revision at all.i just don't know what to do to help her..I will voice concerns at TAF as her school have a representative there
Youngest is also stressed as find swimming torture on a sensory level.has never liked sensation being immersed waist deep in water.ciol water makes her gasp like can't breathe.she had severe stomachbpain causing time off school and missing some classes,her period start this week and teacher told her off as only done one session and there's one more to go thus term.she HATES getting into trouble,very very upsetit feels committed a social faux Pas.i seriously thinking if we could ask her be assessed.i beginning to learn they are probably all on spectrum(we have always wondered about dd2).
Feel like I've failed them all

Sorry for the essay...
.

rage good luck with stage performance today🍀🍀🍀🍀

That's interesting about the swimming zoo. My dd used to love it as a baby and then gradually started to hate it. She had an illness once and after that would scream when going in the water. She would be so distressed.
I had forgotten! We have had so many of those moments. And then when I think that I feel terrible we didnt realise her problems earlier :(
Good week so far though. Off to see some puppies tonight which is keeping her going....

Anne - it's heartbreaking isn't it. My DS also suffers from separation anxiety. For him it lasted all the way through pre-school until the end of year 2. He literally cried every day and often would run back out of the classroom to find me. It was a lot better in years 3 to 5 but then came back with a vengeance in year 6. His general anxiety got so bad that he was having panic attacks and being sick.

Let us know how it goes with the puppies tonight. Are you just visiting or taking one home?

1step - that's so true about knowing the signs. When my DS gets anxious about going to school, I know I can make him go, even if he's crying as he gets out of the car. If I stay strong and don't give in, he'll eventually give up and go. Sorry to hear about your DS's arm. I hope the pain subsides soon.

DD got quite upset last night. She feels like student support are trying to push her into going to classes before she's ready. She feared that, even though ss agreed that she could stay in there as long as she needed, that they would start telling her that she couldn't. Apparently they 'made a deal' with her yesterday, saying that she could miss science today but she would go to maths. I emailed them and asked them not to send her to maths and said that, she needs longer in ss, otherwise she will feel that she can't be in school at all and we will be back at square one with her taking time off. Fortunately they agreed to this. The problem seems to be that she's telling them that she's ok and she seems fine when she goes there, so it makes them think that she's ready to do more. I told her that she needs to talk to them about how she feels and stop telling them that she's fine when she's not fine. I know it's hard for her to do this but it's also difficult for me to get help for her when they're hearing one thing from me and something different from DD.

On a positive note, we are going to get a cat. DD has been asking for one for ages and I have seen the research that shows they help reduce stress, anxiety and depression. We just have to find the right one. We'll be getting it from a shelter so, at least they'll be able to tell us which one has the kind of temperament that we are looking for.

Anne aw pets help so much
Katalex we have 3cats.our oldest (had a brother and rescues tend prefer have in twos unless cat hates other cats)scoutcat chose me.he rubbed around cage he was in miaowing soon saw me.they let me go in and he was all over me running and purring.melted my heart!he's 9noe and been fantastic with D's.loves unending amounts of cuddles and love and soothes him better than we ever could!!we have two young girls(added after we lost our beloved Atticus) they aren't as social at scoutcat but both love a nap on his (midisleeper) bed and like to be stroked but not picked up or sit in laps.tbey give us soo much❤️

Had TAF .school will be keeping an eye on dd2,reiterating importance of keeping going best she can and had lots advice re revision techniques/planning ahead for next year so she has focus to work towards.they also will but youngest on radar as she's horrible to us all(hormones I think) completely lacks empathy and talk to no one about her life,feelings etc.i ashamed to say I don't know her despite best efforts to "get in".were warned D's school cannot say he can't come back as council may require thdm to take steps to help reintegrate(that freaked me.i don't think he can ever go back there)i really felt they listened.
ds school never showed up
Outreach concerned where he's going next as they aren't a forever school and concerns that he's bright and may have ESMH as well as ASD they're saying it maybe harder to get Sen school etc
I got roasted let partner not attend and for fact I've not told him of ADOS Saturday as he will be too stressed if takes us to help provide coming environment and stroppy we booked without him.i tried to explain we cannot talk about his MH without him becoming defensive,he shares a lot DS "traits" and that he lacks capacity to handle criticism,constructive or otherwise and if he blows it impacts the children as he will avoid contact..then I got told he isn't setting role model for D's and that D's may feel I need him to be at home(at which point I got upset that he might see it like that)
Funtimes

Specialist support after.they were nice.shes offered talk to the girls about coping with D's better(youngest is downright nasty to him)and potential young carers.talked about local offer ,viewing school and potential problems of D's not getting a Sen school necessary diagnosis

I feel overwhelmed and bone crushingly tired
Hoping tomorrow and Friday are relatively calm before ADOS saturday

Zoo, In you area there are SEMH and ASD schools. Look at both, as many as possible within travelling distance. At secondary reasonable travelling time is considered 1hr15. Some SS do cater for academically able pupils. They may be independent or non- maintained, so the LA may try to dissuade you, but if they don't have a suitable alternative they don't have a leg to stand on should it go to tribunal.

Unless the school you wish to name isn't a section 41 School then there are limited reasons the LA can give for refusing to name a school. Given DS' needs I don't understand why they are saying it will be hard to get him into a SS. I will PM you some schools to look at.

When consulted DS' school could say they can't meet his needs. How easy that will be for them depends on the EHCP. You have a right to MS, but not a specific MS. See here

Try to get a phone appointment with IPSEA.

I agree with them re DP, yes he may struggle with his MH, but he's an adult. The girls' school sound good.

Katax will DD ever be ready to go to class? Or will there always be something? We could try to make a situation perfect for DS, but he would always focus on the negative.

Katalax - my dd doesnt like to tell SS how she is feeling but she doesnt like to speak. It drains her. I agreed last week they would try writing stuff down rather than doing it verbally which helped. A lot of our communication is also after the fact with me emailing a translation at the end if the day do they know she was worse than she looked - it is helping them understand. They are reacting well - last week she went in and 'couldn't' do double art so rather than missing it they joined her for the first hour then when she had settled she was happy to do the 2nd on her own.
If you both start working with school rather than avoiding she will start making progress.
It is so hard though, I understand

Zoo - I agree with 1step. It's not fair that you have to do all this on your own and if DH isnt coping he needs to go and get some support so he can, and then be if some help to you.
My dd worries terribly about me and I can see if DH wasnt as supportive as he is it would compound it and she wouldnt ever leave my side

Sorry, I am tired. I think I have my tough head on this morning....

I hope everyone is ok x