Hi everyone. This is my first post on here. I've read through this thread before but things have got worse and I really need some support and just to get everything off my chest I supppose. Dd has had 9 days off school since September, mostly related to depression, stress and anxiety. Normally she is fine with just one day off but she hasn't been to school at all this week and I doubt I will be able to get her in tomorrow. I am so stressed and in tears writing this. I feel sick all the time.
Earlier this year I took dd (14 yrs old, year 10) to the doctor because she frequently felt depressed and admitted to having suicidal thoughts. He said it wasn't depression but low mood. He told her to exercise, eat healthily and have things to look forward to. Unfortunately dd hates any form of exercise, including walking, and rarely agrees to eating any fruit or vegetables. She spends most of her time in her room watching YouTube videos or TV shows. She also loves singing and does this all the time (apart from on the bad days). She's had plenty of things to look forward to (going to see Hamilton, Harry Potter Studio Tour, Buckingham Palace, trips to our local shopping centre - her happy place), it doesn't really help, especially once it's over. Dd tells me that having something to look forward to at the weekend doesn't help her get through the days at school (or 'Hell' as she calls it).
Over the next few months, dd seemed to get better. I have a feeling that she has mild SAD as she hates the cold weather and short days. I have noticed that she seems happier in the spring and summer and she has complained recently about it getting dark so early.
She started year 10 in September and everything seemed fine. She didn't have any time off in September. However, the pressure started to ramp up at school regarding GCSEs. They're already being given talks about revision and working harder. Dd takes this very badly. She has never been able to cope with even the smallest amount of stress or pressure. Even asking her to have a shower when she's tired is too much for her.
Dd is at a mixed comprehensive and she is in top sets for English, maths and science, despite not getting particularly high grades. She tends to get 5s and 6s. This year she has been assigned to triple science, which seems to be adding to her stress. There is a lot more content to learn and they are being taught at a faster pace. The teachers regularly tell them that they should be revising every day and one of them said that stress is good for them. This is probably one of the worst things that you could say to someone who suffers with stress. Dd has sat out of her last two science lessons because she just couldn't face being there. I have enquired about moving down a set to do double science and I'm waiting for a response.
Dd has lots of friends at school and even a boyfriend so socially, everything seems fine, although two of her friends have their own issues with anxiety and can be hard work.
The school has been really supportive. Dd and I met with student support just before the October half term and discussed all of her issues. She has been issued with a 'time-out card' so she can leave lessons if she needs to or she can go straight to student support if she feels that she can't go to the lesson at all. She has used this card a few times already.
I took her to the doctors yesterday to see what help she could get. For a while I have felt that there is a link between her 'down days' and her menstrual cycle. She tends to get quite tearful, normally just for a day, in the week before her period. The doctor asked us to keep a diary and, if there does seem to be a link, then she may be able to take some medication to regulate her hormones. I'm really hoping this is the case. It's heartbreaking to see her so unhappy.
I spoke to student support yesterday because I was so worried about her missing so many lessons. I thought if I could get assurance from them that she could just go to the lessons she likes and stay in student support for the rest of the day then it would help her go to school. They agreed to this but Dd still said she wasn't ready to go back into the school environment. I told her that the longer she stays off school, the harder it's going to be to go back. It doesn't help that she hates school. she has always hated school since reception. Not a day went by in primary school when she didn't tell me that she hates school and asked me why I made her go. It wasn't the school, she just hates being at school, being told what to do and when to do it etc. She likes her secondary school but she hates being there, hates being treated like a child. She likens it to a prison because they can't leave and they're told when to eat and when they can go to the toilet. She can't wait to leave so she can go to university and be treated like an adult and be able to make her own decisions. She has always seemed older than her years. People have often commented that she has an old head on young shoulders.
The school has offered some group therapy sessions. They ran a focus day last term about mental health and all the students filled in a questionnaire. Dd was flagged as needing this therapy, so I'm really pleased that this is going to happen. She has tried counselling before. She had one session but she said it didn't help and she ended up feeling worse than she did when she went in, so she refused to do any more sessions, even with a different counsellor.
DH isn't very supportive. He doesn't really get mental health issues. He's a kind of 'man up and get on with it' kind of person and thinks everyone else should be the same. He thinks dd's just trying it on and we should just force her to get up and go to school. He doesn't realise that this will just make her worse. He also doesn't like the fact that I am spending so much time with dd in the evenings and gets angry with me about it. I don't see how he thinks it's ok to leave an upset child alone when she just wants her mum. Ds (12) also comments that I spend more time with her, which is true, but what can I do? I feel like I'm being pulled in three different directions with everyone wanting my attention all the time. It's so emotionally draining dealing with a depressed, stressed child, that it's really not helpful when DH acts like this.
Thanks if you've managed to read all the way through my post, sorry it's so long. Even if you don't have any advice, sympathy is also welcome and any stories from anyone who has had a similar experience with or without positive endings.