I'm a mess

[mrsbounceisflat]

I've spoken to the crisis team, but everyone's fed up with me. My life is a mess , I can't go into details but I am in a living hell. Things aren't going to change for a while , everything's a fight. I am a bad person.

My anxiety is through the roof and I'm shaking. I'm going out with a friend for lunch and want to be able to hide it. Seeing the CPN later I think I'll just break down.

I hope you are able to enjoy lunch with your friend & the CPN is helpful today.

Sometimes you need to break down and admit that actually everything isn’t ok.

I kept myself together with my friend. I cried my eyes out with my CPN , she was so calm and rational even when I talked about the evil thoughts I'm having again. I don't want to live, there is nothing enjoyable in life and I don't understand it. I am not normal, I can't keep keeping it together. I've had enough.

I’m so sorry to hear you’re having such a rough day.
Did your CPN have any suggestions?
Is your mother helping today?
If your son is settled, maybe you could fill up the tub and have a long, relaxing bath?

I've watched some tv with my son, but my head is working overtime. My mum is still supporting me practically but she doesn't understand the mental health stuff.
I talked about a lot of stuff with the CPN even the evil thoughts, she's so calm and rational and thinks I'm doing incredibly well. I'm now having 2 baths a week independently, rather the one a week my mum made me have.
I asked to go in hospital, but the same shit will be here when I get home,I need to phone111 but they'll just send me to hospital to see the psychiatric liaison team. I can't go because of my son.
My support worker is coming to see me tomorrow.
I can't say what is really going round my head.

Do be honest with them. You’re still not giving yourself credit where it’s due. The baths is a great step. And when I was really bad there’s no way I could’ve faced lunch with a friend. I think that’s great.
I very occasionally have random intrusive thoughts. I don’t delberately think them and they’re just thoughts. What is important is what I choose to do. (If that makes sense. Disclaimer: not a MH professional at ALL!!!)

Two independent baths a week is great!
Like Wolfie said, give yourself some credit!
Even when things have been terrible, you have continued to advocate for your son.
You have had to repeat difficult details, and give some very personal information to numerous professionals.

Things will ease a little soon- hang in there.

Phoned the Samaritans they were lovely, hopefully my night time meds will kick in soon, they don't always work but they usually do. Thanks for your continued support.

How was your day today?

Shit day yesterday and shit night. I'm waiting for the CPN to call me but she can be a bit off on the phone. I'm still having really evil thoughts. I don't understand life and can't see the point to it. I can't remember a time when I was normal. I know what I need to do but can't work out a way to do it.
I know that my mum should be staying because that's what I agreed with social services when I feel like this, but my son can't cope with the changes to his routine. I'm stuck.

Can you tell them that your mum can’t stay.
Your thoughts don’t define you. Your actions do. Thinking of you today.

I hope your CPN can help today.
Just thinking things doesn’t make them happen- and it doesn’t make them true, either.

Please remember to eat & drink something.
Remember you’ve had some nice chats with the Samaritans.
Thinking of you.

I've spoken to my CPN I'm on crisis contingency until Monday. I know I have to be kinder to myself but I hate myself for having the evil thoughts.
I've been referred to a psychologist about the intrusive thoughts but of course there's a waiting list. Had a nice lunch out. Also had to weigh myself for a weight management course I've been referred to, wish I hadn't.

I’m not brave enough to weigh myself. You’re doing better than me.
You may feel these thoughts are evil but you’re not. You aren’t consciously willing them into your brain. Despite them you’re trying hard to keep it all together. That makes you strong and brave.

Thankyou, I find it very hard to accept compliments but I will. I've got paper work to finish getting ready for the solicitor, which I'm determined to do this weekend so I can take it in on Monday.
I'm eating more chocolate than ever, and know it will have to stop. I've got to buy new jeans this weekend as mine are to small. I was determined that wasn't going to happen but i have bigger fish to fry.

Chocolate may be partly to blame, but some medications, lack of sleep, hormones, and stress are also contributors.
Clip the tag in your new jeans if the number bothers you.
Buying needed clothes that fit is a way of being kind to yourself. Do you like clothes shopping? Do you ever look in charity shops?

I’ve just read all your thread and I think you are amazing

I’m dealing with a tiny fraction of what you are getting through and it feels almost overwhelming at times. Those days when you don’t want to get up.... but you are achieving something every day and you are helping your son deal with his GCSEs despite your own feelings. That is awesome x

I hate clothes shopping, I have very few clothes, but hopefully will get a new pair of jeans on Monday.
I'm in a mess today, all confused about how I feel, it's been 6 months since my husband was arrested and I don't feel I have got far. My mum still washes the dishes for me, I put clothes to be washed in the machine, she hangs them out and I put them away. Today I've done the food shopping and had a bath. I am now having a bath twice a week without prompting I don't enjoy it, but it's now part of my routine and some of that is thanks to your guys encouragement. My CPN says it's fairy steps, which I guess it is.
I've still got paperwork to do for Monday but I can't cope with that today.
My thoughts are like having a constant negative radio playing in my head. Some of it is really surreal, I don't understand life and what is normal. I know some of the obsessive evil thoughts and freaky thoughts are not normal.

Six months ago, your husband’s problems began to make things extremely difficult for you. It was a big shock. You are moving forward and starting to do more of the ‘normal’ things of daily life again- shopping, taking a bath, washing clothes. Through all the pain and troubling thoughts, you have continued to be an intelligent & kind-hearted person, and a good mother.

i don’t think there can be one single way to feel given what you’ve gone through. It’s too complicated.
Before you needed prompting to have a bath. Now it’s twice a week. But you’re deciding when and doing it. That’s great. You’re considering buying a new pair of jeans. That’s fantastic. Don’t measure your success against what you feel you ought to be doing. Sod “ought”. Be proud of every fairy step. Fairy steps got me from not being able to get out of bed to being able to laugh with my family and plan things. You can do it too.

I'm having a particularly shit day today, doing paperwork has forced me to think about the future, when I'm just about managing day by day. I hate myself so much, I have a gorgeous son I don't deserve.
Back to GCSES tomorrow, 2 more weeks then there finished.
Going to sit and watch Britain's got talent with my son, try to distract myself.

But you said you couldn’t do the paperwork and you have done some. That’s freaking awesome.
Your son has a mum who wants to fight for him and to do better and better. For him. That makes you pretty great.
At the moment you just need to do day by day. And that’s enough.

Got the paperwork to the solicitors, job done. Son on a downer since yesterday hasn't done tutoring today and doesn't know if he can carry on with his exams. Lots of hugs prescribed by me.
He is always my priority, I just wish I could make it all better for both of us.
My divorce is being read out in court today, I still don't think my husband understands why I'm divorcing him, he doesn't have to live with the mess left behind.
Spoke to my OT she must think she's listening to a record all I ever say is I'm evil, I'm a freak, I'm shit and I want to die.

Either your husband was not who you thought he was all along, or at some point he secretly became that way.
Remind your son he handled the exams well before- and he can do it again!
Well done on your paperwork!
You are dealing with a lot of troubles, but things will get better.
I hope you can think of some nice things to say about & to yourself.
Maybe next post you will boast a little. We’d enjoy it.