I'm a mess

[mrsbounceisflat]

I've spoken to the crisis team, but everyone's fed up with me. My life is a mess , I can't go into details but I am in a living hell. Things aren't going to change for a while , everything's a fight. I am a bad person.

Please do boast. See I HATE paperwork and would feel so proud if I had got that done.

Okay, my boast for the day. I had a bath, it felt like climbing Everest so yes I am proud of myself.
My son didn't take his exam today and even seeing his counsellor didn't help his mood. That doesn't stop me loving him more than anything else in the world.

Hurray for you getting today’s bath!

Your son is very lucky you are such a loving and protective mother.

That exam is far less important than him looking after himself.
He’s so lucky to have you. Well done for today.

I am so proud of my son, he is my whole world. How he has managed to take any exams is beyond me. You know the struggles I am going through and he is going to carry on with his exams if he can.
How do you begin to get your head around the fact that your dad/husband is a paedophile?
How do we move on when there's so much uncertainty. The house move is turning into a farce, not knowing when my ex husband will be charged and what with. Not knowing what my son will do in terms of education or apprenticeship in September .
I am still a freak, evil and paranoid . Everyone is fed up with me. I hate this life.

You had nothing to do with your husband’s actions.
It must have been awful just to find out- and I would imagine your home was searched & you were questioned.
The pain of this will ease- but it will never not have happened.

You are not a freak and nobody here is fed up with you.
Your son will do well despite the situation- and partly because he sees you making a huge effort every day.
Hugs to you.

You aren’t a freak. You aren’t responsible for his actions.
You aren’t evil. Evil people don’t care for people like you do for your son. They don’t put others first. They don’t want to make things any better.
Paranoia? TBH who wouldn’t find it hard to trust after what you’ve been through?
One of the truly shittiest things about mental illness is how it messes with your perception of yourself.
You are doing a good job.
You are trying to get better.
No one is fed up of you.

Thankyou, I've been very needy today. Phoned CMHT, helplines and embarrassing opened up a bit to much via email to my sons head of year whose invigilating for him. I just wanted her to appreciate what he's been through.
He's not sure he will take his exam I told him to see how he feels the morning. He has CBT in the afternoon .
I'm awaiting to see a psychologist hopefully I'll be able to tell them my obscure freaky thoughts, although the CMHT do know some of it.

You’re not needy. You have needs. That’s not the same at all.
Don’t feel embarrassed about confiding in a teacher. They want to support your child.
I do hope you can open up to a psychologist. If you never admit how it is then how can it ever get better?

Most teachers really care about how your child is doing, and need to aware of things going on at home (new baby, moving, divorce, etc.).

Please! Please! Tell your psychologist everything!
It is their job to sort things and figure out the best way to help!
They need all the pieces of the puzzle that you can provide!

Telling people what you need and asking for extra support is smart & brave.

Thanks guys, I will open up to the psychologist, there's a 6 month waiting list so it would be better if I could open up to someone else before then. I'm on a waiting list for counselling as well.
My son took his exam this morning and had his CBT this afternoon in which he did really well. My mums coming to sit with him for his exam tomorrow morning, so I can go back to bed because I've got 2 appointments in the afternoon.
I am not responsible for my sick exes thoughts and feelings.
Still really pissed off we've got to move house. I'm scared, of moving house and the future in general. I emailed my solicitor today about my house move. The waiting is killing me.
Had a better day today but feeling really anxious tonight.

Of course this time it is unusual, but do you usually have a rough time with moving?
Hopefully soon you will know an exact date.
Some performers say they stress right before an event (like your son), but then confidently do well (like your son).
How did your appointments go?

My house purchase is going well and things seem to be moving a bit with the house sale.i think it will all happen very suddenly.
My son didn't take his exam yesterday he just couldn't cope with it.
I saw my OT and I spoke honestly about my freaky thoughts and how I don't understand life. She's going to speak to the psychologist and see if she can get any pointers on dealing with it. The hardest part is knowing it will go in my notes so all the team will know. She was lovely and non judgmental.
I then spent my time with the social worker talking about my husband being a paedophile.
I also had to sort out some grown up stuff which I wouldn't have managed previously but I did it.
Went to bed tired and confused.
2 more exams to go.

That’s real progress. Well done. The thing is the thoughts are a symptom of an illness. Why would they judge you for being unwell? TBH if he’s taken any exams then that’s brilliant.

Hello lovely op, I'm late to the thread ( I'm late to bloody everything! ) but have read it all and just wanted to add my support.

I too have a ds with autism who is doing his GCSE's and has quite bad anxiety.
I have some of the same issues as you, anxiety, depression, OCD and "traits of bpd" aswell as fibromyalgia and am currently being assessed for ADHD.
I've mentioned all of that to let you know that I really do understand these elements of your problems.

I can't even begin to imagine what fresh hell youre going through though over the other issue with "him" as I thankfully don't have any experience of that but I just feel like you need a big massive hug.

None of this is your fault. None of it.
He will pay a huge price for his actions and the best FUCK YOU you can give to him ( pardon fb language ) is to get better and start living. You deserve so much happiness, your son needs you more than you will ever know. My ds tells me often how much he needs me, despite being pretty Independent, he's such a mummy's boy but I like that

I'm another one who is here to listen. I can't wait until Friday when ds has his last exam, they're making him so upset.
Weather is horrific here today in the north west, it has rained torrentially for over 24 hours and I find my mood always improves when it's nice and sunny.

Hope today is kind to you xxx

Well done on giving the professionals the sensitive information. True, that stuff is in your notes now. But those notes are protected, and used by professionals to help you. And you are bright & articulate, and are able to participate in decisions about that help.

And, hey! It’s past time for another boast from you!

Boast from me I had another bath. So even if I find it the biggest challenge that's me having 2 baths a week on my own, maybe I'll try and up it to 3.
Now I've started talking about the freaky thoughts I just want to continue and get it all out.
Thankyou for the virtual hug, I do miss hugs, but my son is pretty good at them. I just want a big motherly hug but my mum doesn't do them.
Felt quite lonely today but have had a good giggle with my son.
2 more exams to go, yeah.

You’re doing so well. I can send you a virtual cwtch. Like a hug but welsh and better! Full of comfort and well wishes.

At 3 you become mrsdolphin.
Hope you are doing okay today.

Thankyou for the cwtch.
Still feel like an odd bod, don't understand life or the point of life. Desperate to see the CMHT but don't have an appointment until Wednesday. Just flumping about today. I'm so glad I started posting on here, everyone is so helpful.

We are so glad you started posting on here!

Not entirely sure I see the point some days. I just grab the happy where I can. I love the idea of flumping. Some days it’s more than I feel I can manage.
I think we are all odd bods. Just some hide it better than others.
Any plans until Wednesday?

Well today has been a pj day, made a couple of appointments for my son for when he's finished his exams.
Then I answered the door ( I never answer the door). It was the lady who's buying our house, whom I've known for years. It seems like the solicitors on both side are pissing about. She's been ready to move in for weeks and we've been ready to move out, even though I don't want to move.
So hopefully it will move quickly now and I'm terrified, stressed, hate myself,can't do it. So much to sort out.
We've texted since and the buyers are basically going to gut the house and garden so said not to worry if it's not clean etc. Which was really nice she's just concerned I stay as well as I can.
Spoken to the Samaritans cos I'm in a state. Will phone the CMHT tomorrow.

It was very kind of the buyer to let you know to not put too much time into the house & garden- and to be concerned for you.
You can handle this.
You didn’t create this moving situation, but you will be okay.

I hope your son’s exams & appointments went well today.

Maybe the new home will be a fresh start? You’re coping so well with all this. And a PJ day sounds fab.