I'm a mess

[mrsbounceisflat]

I've spoken to the crisis team, but everyone's fed up with me. My life is a mess , I can't go into details but I am in a living hell. Things aren't going to change for a while , everything's a fight. I am a bad person.

Your achievements absolutely and completely DO count. And she’s right. You need to be kinder to yourself.

A load of washing & your son’s appointment- well done!
Your mother is helping because she cares. You will be doing more things as you start feeling better- and many things will become easier to do.

You two are just too kind. Still feeling really low today but going to get a takeaway curry tonight as a treat. Have to do the food shopping shortly but don't really want to get out of bed. Feeling very alone at the moment.

Food shopping, takeaway, and....... maybe a bath today?
Tell your “baby” boy you need a hug!

Takeaway sounds lovely. Hope you manage to get the food shopping done.

Food shopping done, had a bath that's 2 in a week not managed that for 6 months.just waiting for the curry house to open.
Still feeling really down, I've got other stuff that needs doing but can't be arsed. My ex is away for the night and didn't phone yesterday as promised, he's living the life of a single man, going to work everyday people oblivious to what he's done. Whilst I pick up the pieces.

Feeling really paranoid some people who I thought were friends have turned their back on me, others have gone above and beyond. Trying to keep going but spiralling rapidly downwards.

Some people lack understanding of MH issues. Some people may be unable to offer support as they’re going through their own stuff. It’s not you. It’s them.
Ex sounds rubbish.
Two baths is great. Curry sounds fab. What you having?

Paneer passander, veg dupiaza and chicken tikka masala for my son. Have to do it whilst we can still afford it.

That sounds yum! I’ve never tried paneer but always mean to.

You don’t always have all the same friends for a long time.
And sometimes it is because your stresses (like the ones you now have to manage every day!) are just too much for them.
It is nice that you connected for a while.

Paneer is lovely, and we've got plenty left for tomorrow so that's a bonus.
I know friends come and go but I've been really surprised by who has and hasn't stuck by us. I know people have their own problems too.
Concentrating on getting through the night.

Hope you get some rest.

You have some special leftovers to enjoy tomorrow. Do you have something good to read or watch if you are wakeful tonight?

If it doesn't sound too patronising I'm so proud of you.
You've put your son above all else.
How do I know? Because you are still here - you are fighting this illness for him.

I'm sorry your ex turned out to be the sickest of the sick but
You are both safe now.
It's something nobody should have to go through, but you'll pass this. One day will be slightly less shit than the day before and then the next and then one day you'll think 'actually I'm ok. Not great, but I'm ok'.

You have bad thoughts but we all do when your mind is in turmoil. The fact you know they are bad and you refuse to act shows you're being strong and productive.
There is only one direction now and that's forward.

💖 to you and your son. Hope he's coping ok with the exams.

I slept well and then have been dozing.
I am alive for my son, he is the most precious thing to me. I do get some really evil and obsessive thoughts though. I also get some really freaky obsessive thoughts which I have been referred to a psychologist for, but naturally there is a waiting list
You people on here are amazing and I don't know that I could do it without you.

I've had some horrible intrusive thoughts too.
Imagining my own death (as a murder or disaster victim), jumping off buildings, pushing others off buildings, harming people I love and without reason, obsessed someone is judging me, believing by wishing I'll on people I'll make bad things happen to them and those are the SFW ones.
When in emotional turmoil your brain does play nasty tricks on you. In that case you become your own biggest hurdle.

I hope it’s been a good day for you.

As we head towards June, please remember some medications can make you more sensitive to heat.

You can do it. I’m not amazing but you are.

Intrusive thoughts are the worst, the nasty ones, the scary ones, the freaky ones and the paranoid ones. I hate them all as they take up so much energy.
Not had a bad day, not done much but enjoyed leftover curry, always tastes better the next.
Have load of paperwork to sort out for the divorce solicitor, so printed off some bank statements.
I have to file my other paperwork before Thursday when my support worker is going to help me find it.
Can't file it today it's too overwhelming.

How is the paperwork coming along?

I have to say I have never been impressed with the crisis team, when my son came back from the psychiatric hospital having tried to commit suicide and obviously clearly still having delusions and barely able to communicate they asked him angrily why he wasn't at work that day and they kept asking me if he was normally like this!!
I threw them out and took care of my son myself, I don't need that kind of negativity in my life.
He recovered very well under my care and is now living a normal life.
We found we preferred to talk to the Samaritans duing the hard times, they have an email service where you can email them if you are having a bad day and don't want to talk on the phone. It really helped OP.
No wonder you are feeling awful, you are having a really tough time.

Paperwork not coming along, I haven't achieved anything today.
I have mixed feelings about the crisis team and the Samaritans, most of our crisis team are lovely although I have been under crisis contingency quite a lot in the last 6 months and I have to have been referred to them. They nearly all know me and what has happened recently so I don't have to go over it.
The Samaritans are always there but I have to tell them my background so they understand.
I've spent most of the day reading trashy magazines in bed, but feel ok,

You feel ok, so maybe that is what you needed today.

You feel ok. That’s great. Sometimes all you need to achieve is to get through the day. And that’s huge.