Where can i get help with my children, i cant cope

[70sbaubles]

Just where will help?
Ive got 3 and no help whatsoever. Yesterday evening I did a random check of their teeth and my 12 year old looks to have slight decay. We go to the dentist shortly but I really cannot cope any more. I am trying my best and failing everywhere. They clean twice a day, no sugary drinks, have electric toothbrushes mouthwash the works.
I can barely get thrpugh each day as ot is, I have depression and my exH has no contact. I was a professional but gave up after divorce so I have nothing and noone. I hate myself and iys never going to get any better, it's just failure after failure on my part. It will never get better.
Ive asked for Homestart young carers SS schools everything. They all say Im coping fine. Ive got to face the fucking dentist as a failure parent im sick of the humiliation of failing I just dont know where to turn. Fillings at 12. Fml I'm shit.

Phone a helpline now, The Samaritans or the NSPCC, or both.
Phone your GP. They might be able to get you a referral back to Homestart.

Sorry OP, you don't sound like a bad parent to me. You do sound like someone who needs a break and to see your gp about your MH though.

Regards the teeth, you don't know he has decay. You also don't know he needs a filling. Stop catastrophising and breathe. If he needs a filling the dentist won't judge. Some people are much more susceptible to decay than others. See the dentist and get advice. The dentist won't judge and it sounds like you do all the right things.
Do you have any family or friends to talk to? What do you do for you that isn't about the kids?
You need to be kind to yourself and stop being so mean to yourself. Being a single parent with no respite is hard.
Think about what kind of help you need and then work out how to get it. Why does ExH have no contact?
I strongly urge you to see your gp and get help for what sounds like depression.
For you

OP teeth are very variable and some people are just unlucky with theirs

You’re not a bad parent and this really isn’t a big deal you’re bowing this up because you’re depressed

Repeat this in your head : you will be okay

My 2 year olds teeth literally dissolved. She had to have so much dental work.

Same thing happened to my sister.

Dental problems are not always because of poor hygiene.

Any good dentist will know that decay in children isn’t always due to an uncaring parent.

You’re not a failure, you doing great! Gosh, I don’t think I’ve ever inspected my kids teeth!

Teeth are genetic. I have one child, only drinks water, doesn't eat sweets. Her teeth are shit. Don't beat yourself up.

I'm sorry you're feeling like this op. You are definitely not a bad parent. You have put all things in place for the children to clean their teeth, they should be capable by age 12 with prompting to do it anyway, sometimes you just need a filling, it can be luck of the draw. I hope someone can come along to tell you how you can get some support. You are not alone.

Re the teeth - It's not the end of the world. True, it's great if they can have no fillings but sometimes it happens. My child had to have three extractions and four fillings at the age of four. I felt totally awful but I learned and he has had no cavities now for over seven years. He was also diagnosed as having very poor tooth enamel.
I have over 18 fillings myself, most from childhood, due partly to the same problem.

Everything else, small steps. You care about your children so you are by default a good parent. Try to be more gentle on yourself, can you talk to any friends or see if there is anything more that can be done for your depression?

You need to get support a filling at 12 is nothing at all

No family as abroad some friends but not local.
Nspcc good idea will do that after dentist thanks.
My other son has coeliacs and already had fillings to back teeth due to acid coming up pre diagnosis. Now this, have found a private dentist Im paying as am so ashamed to go to same place.
My kids are lazy and greedy, I have to be up their arses for everything. I iron their clothes, try to have them nice bedrooms etc.
I am sick of them and parenting, I suck at it and feel like I'm looking at the world theough a window where other people have real lives they wnjoy whilst I'm trapped inside this never ending hell. I don't know how to make it better. I'm just dreading the dentist, dreading it. I feel sick to the pit of my stomach. He obviously hasn't brushed wwll enough but FFS at 12 I shouldn't need to brush his teeth every night, should I? I remind him each evening, make sure theyre done each day.
He uses his dinner money on 2 bottles of fruit juice and a biscuit so I make him take pack ups instead. He ate 2 selection boxes by boxing day. I dont routinely buy shit but when it's there or he has access out the house he won't stop eating.

Thanks youve all made me feel better x

My dd has coeliac and that has caused issues with her teeth. I also have two kids with special needs so I completely get what you say about feeling overwhelmed. But you’re doing a good job with no help. I think we all feel like that at points. Parenting isn’t all easy and I think social media just shows all the good parts. But it’s hard. Is your 12 year old the one you’re struggling with most? How old are your other kids?

I'm struggling to see the problem with him getting a filling? Also don't understand why you feel ashamed by it?! I'm genuinely very confused by this, it would t cross my mind to feel ashamed if my child required a filling.

I have to remind my 17yo to brush his teeth You sound like you are doing a great job in difficult circumstances.

In Scotland there is a charity called homestart!! Also there is a charity called befriend a child. But stop beating yourself up if there dad was around they would still need fillings. I will but money on it that you are doing a great job as there Mum!! all any one can expect of you is to do your best. As long as you do your best and love them then that’s enough.

We all have a bit of a wobble at some point, so I hope you're feeling better.
Honestly, you are not a shit parent, not even close. Your kids are fed and have medical care. You obviously care about them. You just need some support for yourself.

GP for some antidepressants or maybe something for anxiety if that's also an issue?
Find a decent low cost counselling service (many have a sliding scale) or go on the NHS waiting list
Maybe get some other kind of help- a cleaner or babysitter if you can afford it, or childcare or wrap around care for the kids (you may be able to get help from SS for this, although they are often more hindrance than help)
Keep asking for help, even if it's from people you've already asked. The squeaky wheel gets the oil and all that

I dont get it either? my 7 year old needs a filling she has asd and its very difficult brushing her teeth. I dont feel like a shit parent because of it, think you need to see your gp.

Please also get to court and get your exH to start paying some support. They're his DCs too.

OP - it's not your fault. I have 3 kids. My youngest has needed several fillings and he's only 8! And he very rarely has sweets or fizzy drinks, he drinks water or milk, I just genuinely think he has soft teeth prone to decay and I'm just hoping that his adult ones are better. I've never had a filling, nor have my other two.
You're doing a great job - sometimes this is out of our control.
Please talk to your GP so that you get some support for YOU.

"He ate 2 selection boxes by boxing day. I dont routinely buy shit but when it's there or he has access out the house he won't stop eating."

ALL KIDS DO THIS. I still do it as an adult :-)

Fillings etc aren't that unusual at all.
My mother was never a sweet tooth, but she has a genetic issue with her teeth and sees a hygienist regularly.
I had a filling before 12 I think.
You sound like I used to, back when I was single parenting with no respite. I was doing a great job, I was told that by the services I got involved, but I didn't feel I was and I was constantly at the end of my tether.
It's really normal to feel this eat. I'm not saying it's OK to feel this way, but it's a perfectly normal response to not having respite.
My 11yo often forgets to brush her teeth and my 7yo avoids it, won't met me do it, and then complains of toothache. She's let me brush them once this year. They both have special needs, but it still makes me cross.
Eldest forgets to the the soap in the shower, and/or to use deodorant too, OMG the pong sometimes.
Don't worry too much. Sounds like you've had a lot dumped on you, I'm assuming the no contact is similar to our no contact, because of DV? When everything changes that fast, it's damned hard on you. Your whole world turned upside down.
It does get better.

You know, our dentist told us that there were children who needed fillings as young as 4, so you're actually doing really well.

No one is perfect. Not one of us haven't failed in one way or another, especially as parents; I only have one child and have failure after failure under my belt. She's 19, and you know what? She's grown to be a fabulous woman whom I gaze at in awe! I am so proud of her.

You are not a superhero or a god. You are just a person like everyone else.

I think you are setting yourself impossibly high standards. Show yorself a little kindness and forgiveness, I know it can be hard to do. Every time you start criticising yourself try to counter it with a mantra like "they are loved, I am there for them" something whch reminds you of what you get right. You are there, you are taking them to the dentist - their dad doesn't do that does he? Yo feed them, keep them safe, clothed, help with homework, do all their basic care and more.

You are not a failure and are not failing.

Can’t offer advice but you sound like a wonderful mum who lover her children very much