Where can i get help with my children, i cant cope

[70sbaubles]

Just where will help?
Ive got 3 and no help whatsoever. Yesterday evening I did a random check of their teeth and my 12 year old looks to have slight decay. We go to the dentist shortly but I really cannot cope any more. I am trying my best and failing everywhere. They clean twice a day, no sugary drinks, have electric toothbrushes mouthwash the works.
I can barely get thrpugh each day as ot is, I have depression and my exH has no contact. I was a professional but gave up after divorce so I have nothing and noone. I hate myself and iys never going to get any better, it's just failure after failure on my part. It will never get better.
Ive asked for Homestart young carers SS schools everything. They all say Im coping fine. Ive got to face the fucking dentist as a failure parent im sick of the humiliation of failing I just dont know where to turn. Fillings at 12. Fml I'm shit.

Sundays are the hardest for me.
And yes holidays.
I'm looking at bits round the house which will help. I'd like to wallpaper my bedroom, the paper is 20 pounds so will buy it when I go to the shop. Then do it once they're at school again.
I'm so tired, it's impossible to keep things clean.
I love my children but fuck if I'd have known I'd be on my own the whole duration of raising them I'd have thought differently. Interestingly their dad has a fabulous life with his partner(s), doing what he pleases with no financial worries.
I remember being at school and my biology teacher, in her 50s, saying to me, it's a man's world. I didn't know what she meant, but I do now.

Glad your friend rang. Do take care of yourself. It is really hard, as someone who's never posted on Mumsnet before, to suggest anything beyond what I have already. All this will pass, honestly it will xxxxxxx

I hope so. I've been doing this parenting stuff for well over 10 years and the weekends and holidays have blurred into years of dark loneliness, I will never have a partner or a career again.
It's like preparing for death, everything shutting down around you. Knowing you'll never do big things again, just the small things are left and all you have. There's no future, just coping less and less over time. Day at a time until it's gone.
I can't forward think or plan, or envisage holidays or sunshine or laughter or bright positive stuff because I feel like that's all gone and will never come back. New Year's eve is pretty much the most depressing time of year. Dreading it and going to go to bed early.

Well done for getting out and about, I hope they sleep for you

I just want to say I know where you are coming from. I’ve spent so long convincing myself and everyone that I absolutely love motherhood and putting a smile on my face that I am now struggling. I’m so tired all the time that I can barely get through the day and I lose my temper very easily.

I have decided to get help because I found out yesterday that a lovely lady I used to know ended her life last week leaving behind young children. She was so bubbly and full of life and people can’t believe it.

If you are struggling please seek help. Speak to someone. Anyone. And just know that you are a doing an amazing job.

@Tired
That's very sad. But I totally understand it.
We are as women expected to put up with subhuman conditions. I liken parenting alone as having prisoner of war conditions-no sleep, constant noise, no break, being stuck inside 4 walls 24 7 with no adult company. It's hellish.
And then you're criticised even after putting up with all that, thanklessly.
I want to stand in the street, overweight, with moaning kids and messy hair and no makeup, invisible behind a battered old pram and scream:
I can speak 3 languages
I have 2 degrees
I can play an instrument
I have a nice singing voice
I used to be funny
I used to be clever
I used to be attractive
These POW conditions have stripped me of all of those things and I'm now an invisible, old, haggard mess.
Motherhood has destroyed me.

Oh my heart is breaking for you OP.

It hasn't broken you.. You are just a bit broken for now. You can and will find the energy to go out and up. It gets easier.. it really does.

Fwiw I had 12 fillings bit the time I was 11. I didn't eat sweets and brushed my teeth loads.. I just had shotty teeth. My sister's never had a filling aged 51!

But even if I get the energy back, none of it will be used on me. It will be school runs, new clothes, clubs, homework, haircuts, social events, cleaning the house, gardening, managing the car, coping with the bills on benefits, being stuck at home ever summer holiday-lecturing was great because it was work from home during the holidays. I'm trapped. I can't get a 9-5 job there's no one to have them. Nothing to get dressed for. School runs. Parents evenings. School trips. Shopping for food, tidying, cleaning the pissy toilet, washing the pots, washing clothes, decorating, repairs, then it's Easter then birthdays then Xmas. I don't enjoy it anymore because after shelling out shit loads and going without, you're onto the next one the next party the next console and game and stuff.
Never ever ends. I don't enjoy Xmas, or birthdays, it's just more pressure to provide stuff to kids. Nobody comes round, ever. Nobody to sit an evening with. One night out in 14 years. No hobbies, no clubs, no social events, no being able to go to the gym in the evening, just trapped in the house till the next day.
Sometimes I think I may as well be dead.

Hey look at what you have achieved.

Really hard right now and I get it. I'm a single mum too with no support. But listen, you are important, you matter. You need a life yes, 100%, and you will have one. To think you have done all this makes you special, and worth celebrating.

Make goals for the New Year. Sounds shit but things like painting or yoga. Stuff you can do at home. Incremental time in doing stuff you like.

I do understand. I had some dark times. PM if you want x

I have a very medically complex child and I spent the first few years of motherhood just glad that she was alive. I’ve now got 2 and I am really struggling. Some days I feel so hopeless and bleak that this is my life. I am overweight, mousy, painfully shy and anxious and in an unhappy relationship. I feel like there is no way out of this and although I am way too much of a chicken to consider it, I can sometimes see why people end it all.

Do you go to therapy at all? Would saying all these things out loud to someone help maybe? Sometimes motherhood can encompass your whole life and you get completely lost in it all.

Yes I think therapy would help. Not sure where though can't afford 50 quid a session.

Can you self refer to the primary mental health care team, you should be able to get those details from your gp reception.

Why can't you go back to lecturing op? Surely you can eventually?
Can you teach the languages you speak? People do language lessons over Skype nowadays. Or do translation work?
I know it's not going to turn into anything right now but maybe when the younger ones are older?
Does your youngest go to nursery?
I know things look bleak now but you are alive and a person with skills and qualifications and I guess once upon a time hopes and ambitions even the shittiest situation can't last forever.
I think you need to have a think about what you want out of life and make a plan for how you achieve it. You can't carry on as you are with absolutely no hope and no end in sight. If you just go on like this then how will you feel looking back in 20 years?
What are the barriers to you working? Is it where you live? Can you work on how to move somewhere with more jobs and childcare options? So then when the kids are a bit older you are best placed to do something. Do you have any contacts in academia? Can you get any kind of freelance work through people you know?
I know all of this is easier said than done. I'm just trying to think of what you could do to stop you going mad through having no outlet for your brain.
It's a horrible thing, I know. We left the UK for my husband's job and I have been a SAHM not through choice and it's awful because I'm used to a stressful job and being busy. I have found it really hard and I don't have the stress of being completely alone like you so I can only imagine how stressful that is.
I just think you can't write yourself off like this. Even if it never makes you much money, I think you need the challenge.
I'm so sorry OP, the pain you are going through is palpable in your posts.

Your G.P can refer you to talking therapies and you can self refer. You need to google local services and you should find one.

If you want to put your area, we can look for you.

I am skint but I have started going to therapy, my therapist has a sliding scale from £50 which is her standard fee down to £35 depending on what people can afford. I pay £35. It is a lot but I have to do something. I can’t carry on as I am.

And it doesn’t sound like you can either.

You need to get back to work.

Have you applied for lecturing jobs?

What are the childcare options where you are? Child minder/ after school clubs? Have you done a benefits check to see how much you’d get towards childcare costs with tax credits?

You should get 70% of childcare paid for by t.credits.

"This means the most help you can get is £122.50 a week for one child or £210 for two or more children, but remember that you may get less than this because tax credits are reduced by your income"

You sound as if you're doing a fantastic job even if it doesn't feel like it. Parenting is really tough. Things will get better as the kids get older. Can you look at work from home jobs? You sound very capable and have a lot to offer. Be kind to yourself

Bless you OP! I had to have 4 teeth removed at 12 but I don’t blame my DM as I was old enough to look after myself and should have known better. It’s not your fault

OP I really feel you should try very hard to get back into some sort of work and get your kids in childcare at least some of the time. Parenthood is clearly making you unhappier and it's going to be impacting on them too. If your job gave you purpose and identity in a way motherhood does not, you need to go after that. Forget about being the perfect parent for a while; sort out your own air mask. The very best thing to do for your children is to tend to your own mental health. Forget their teeth, forget country houses. Just do whatever you have to to get back to a place your life feels worthwhile. Let them slide for a bit if that's what it takes.

My mother killed herself this summer and it is killing me. The pain of that has turned over my whole life. Whatever else she may have done or not done for me through my childhood means nothing compared to the horror of that. But she had no choice because the life she was living gave her no joy and had no meaning, only pain. She was 60. You are still young enough to get yourself back. Go and find someone you can bear to be. If that's not the best mother in the world it's not the end of the world, for you or for them. And I mean the end of the world quite literally. That's the bottom line of mental health as bad as yours. This is a survival situation for you. Treat it like an emergency. Protect your children by prioritising yourself. Please.

Hey op,

I really really feel for you!

Parenting is hard at the best of times and raising 3 kids on your own is going to take its toll on you.

Sounds like you have nothing for you, I was in a similar boat a year ago today actually and I decided (out of desperation and sick of being poor) to start my own business. It gave me something to focus on when I had nothing to look forward to. This may not be what you want to do and it's not what compelled me to reply.

I just want to let you know that you're not alone, I've been there and in many ways still am... about 3 days ago I was about to message my exh to come and take my kids as I feel like a failure. I have 3 kids and I struggle to remember when they've had baths and I feel like a total failure. about 2 years ago I was suffering mega lack of sleep and my 2 yr old was a fussy eater... anyway, he took a liking for chocolate cheerios and I had never eaten one so didn't know how sweet they were so just left a bowl out for him to pick at as and when... anyway now he has a black spot on his front tooth. This was probably my worst failure as a mum... Ok that's a lie... one of many awful failures as a mum. I cracked down on good oral hygiene after that... despite this my 11 yr old would pretend he was brushing his teeth... only noticed when his toothbrush was bone dry after he said he brushed them... maybe your son is not brushing as your would expect.

My dd 9 said she met a little boy 3 at a Christmas party she went to the other day and he had no teeth except one that was black... this really saddened me and I'm just thankful that I'm doing my best... even though my best is not as good as everyone else's

from your posts it's obvious that you are a great mum but you're in a bad spot right now... Please don't be so hard on yourself. Try to find something for you, something that gives you a bit of hope in the day and something to look forward to. You've got it in you, look how much you've achieved in your life and your kids will look back one day and appreciate you for everything you've done

Sorry for my rambling reply

And my house is a total dump... it sometimes takes hitting rock bottom to get yourself climbing back up... there are many free/voluntary donation charities that can help with counselling

OP I really feel for you.

Would it be at all possible for you to move to the city or just somewhere else a bit less shitty?

You have so much to offer but it's harder to find your people and opportunities if you are isolated.

Hello OP,
We are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.
We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.
We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.
We are going to move this thread to the Mental Health section shortly