Where can i get help with my children, i cant cope

[70sbaubles]

Just where will help?
Ive got 3 and no help whatsoever. Yesterday evening I did a random check of their teeth and my 12 year old looks to have slight decay. We go to the dentist shortly but I really cannot cope any more. I am trying my best and failing everywhere. They clean twice a day, no sugary drinks, have electric toothbrushes mouthwash the works.
I can barely get thrpugh each day as ot is, I have depression and my exH has no contact. I was a professional but gave up after divorce so I have nothing and noone. I hate myself and iys never going to get any better, it's just failure after failure on my part. It will never get better.
Ive asked for Homestart young carers SS schools everything. They all say Im coping fine. Ive got to face the fucking dentist as a failure parent im sick of the humiliation of failing I just dont know where to turn. Fillings at 12. Fml I'm shit.

@Namestheyareachangin

My daughter's friend has 5 fillings and she's 7. Honestly a filling at 12 is perfectly normal, I'm sure! Be kind to yourself.

Firstly, the very fact that you care so much about your child’s tooth decay speaks volumes. I do know what you mean though. If all the things to go wrong with one of your children, tooth decay is very insignificant.
You clearly want to do better, because you care. I raised my first three children completely by myself. It can be tough. It can be lonely, but it is also incredibly rewarding.
Try not to beat yourself up. You are there for your children. You have to look after yourself first though to be and feel like the best parent you can be. Don’t worry about how many friends you have. In this world it seems everybody has more friends, but the truth is, how many can you count on? I found the best support I ever received was when least expected and from total strangers.
Asking for help is smart. It’s not weak. It definately goes not indicate you failing. It highlights the sheer fact that you are not a quitter, you don’t want to scrape through and you want to be the best for your children. So what if you need help. So many mums have partners, dh, families to muck in.
Talk to your hv. I found mine to be really useful in giving really good advice, pointers and support. You are definately not alone. Make 2019 your year. X

Hi op,

I have cried reading this thread. I know how your feeling right now as I've been just like you.

It's a very dark place and how you have described things is exactly how I would have described my life a few years ago.

Keep going, you are stronger than you think!

What things do you enjoy doing?

Please don’t feel bad about your kids teeth , my brother had two rotting front teeth when we were young and my mum only worked part time and looked after him and his teeth well as they could ..my parents weren’t bad parents . And now he has a brilliant job and his teeth are fine . He was just finding sources of sweets and eating too many . Kids do that .and sometimes there are other causes ... You are doing really well to raise theee children by yourself . Your languages will be useful when you want to go back to work and your talents do not leave you when you are a mother .you will find time for yourself again . You are brave and you are strong . You are proving it to yourself now , and because of what you are doing right now.. you can accomplish anything . It’s ok if the kids are messy once in a while .. it’s ok to have off days and stay in your pyjamas every now and again, it’s ok if the house gets a bit messy every now and again . No one will judge you , but you don’t judge yourself . Be kind to yourself because everyone here thinks you are doing great . Sometimes you can be your own worst critic and that’s not how others would see it . I’m sure things are tough enough , the dentist won’t judge you if you take the kids back to the usual place .. don’t waste your money on private dentists if you don’t need to . Most dentists have seen a lot worse than a few fillings on a twelve year old . And when you get those negative thoughts just repeat to yourself ‘ I’m doing great , I’m doing great and I’m fabulous ‘ after all , you are .

@Names I'm so sorry for your loss x

You need to see your GP and get some drugs! There's a way out of this but you need to get on an equilibrium first.

Are you in London? If so please take a look at the Mothers Talking group run by Naomi Stadlen. It's low-cost and run by a wonderful psychotherapist. I found it a great source of support and a place to talk about motherhood in all its awfulness/glory.

I mean, low-cost compared to seeing a psychotherapist for individual sessions. Also a really nice way of hearing about other mothers' experiences and getting a broader perspective.

Thank you @baubles. I really wish you all the best. Please keep trying to get the help you know you need, it’s a cruel bitter slog but if you make enough noise eventually they HAVE to listen to you, especially when there are children involved. There is help available. Good luck xxx

God I'm so exhausted. I actually feel like I'm going mad. It's 2 weeks since having a chat with another adult, I've been at home just with the kids and have found the youngest VERY hard work. I have taken to going out in the morning to burn off steam. I went to soft play yesterday, a country park the day before, today a nature reserve. Then I get home and it's still constant kids programmes or whinging. Even now we've got kids programmes in the living room. Then I will go to bed when they go to bed-then wake up the same. It's soul destroying. I'm finding it soooo hard.
I am desperate for a break, when they go back to school on Monday I am coming home and going back to bed. I just have an overwhelming desire just to sleep.
My stomach sinks when I wake up knowing there's another day to get through. My mood is best at night just before going to bed.
I'm having some really vivid dreams and am struggling to tell what is dream and what is real.
I'm having some intrusive images which are really distressing . I'm paranoid and suspicious of all my neighbours and can't face speaking to anyone. My brother is waiting for me to skype him and it just seems so much of an effort, just to talk, that I can't face it.
I think if there was 10 minutes where I knew I'd be without children, then I could face it but there's no time and nowhere I can go to get away. I feel like screaming. I'm narky and irritable, and feel like I'm drowning.

Anyone?

Have you spoken to your gp about how you feel lately op? It is difficult with young children especially when you are sort of cut off from the rest of the world or it feels like that

Also the holidays can be tiring as you have extra work to do, at least you can hopefully get some rest next week.
You sound like you need some real life support though op, really soon. Can any family come and stay with you for a while?

I am so sorry you feel how you do, and I know exactly how you feel because I went through a period of feeling that way a few years after having my first DC and before meeting my now partner. I know the feeling of being disappointed because you woke up in the morning and the feeling of feeling like everything and everyone's life is perfect aside from your own. Trust me, it will get better, and no ones life is perfect. From what I have read you are a good parent and doing the best you can for your DC. Please, please seek help from your GP and for tonight call the Samaritans. I know you previously said it's awkward, but you have nothing to lose by calling them. It helps to actually speak to a non-judgmental person and they do not force you into anything, you will also feel somewhat better letting it all out even if temporarily, but for now you need to take one day at a time and temporarily isn't a bad thing. Wish I could give you a hug. Xx

I know a very well looked after 6 year old who has just had her first filling. It can just be the luck of the draw.

Thank you. I have no family in this country.
I have cpn coming tomorrow but usually shes like oh youre doing great when in reality i couldnt feel any worse

I feel for you OP, I've been where you are now. Is there any way you could get a babysitter even if only for a couple of hours on a Saturday afternoon so you can get out, go for a coffee, walk, whatever, just to get a break and let someone else take the responsibility from your shoulders for a short while?

Round here a local teenager will babysit for about £7/8 per hour so it won't cost you too much.

Thinking of you x

Thank you. Im terrified of babysitters as i dont want my children to be abused in thrir o

In their own home

Baubles what do you say to your CPN when she says you're "doing great"? Do you tell her she's wrong and you are approaching a crisis (you ARE by the way)? Could you show her this thread?

Ask to see her notes of the meeting and make sure she records that you have stated you are not coping, feel like you are drowning, and contemplating suicide regularly - ham it up if you have to, and explicitly state that if she doesn't take you seriously and put some sort of action plan in process that if you do kill yourself she will have questions to answer when there is a serious incident review as the risks were made very clear.

Re the babysitter, I'm sure you are aware that the concern you mention about abuse is not in proportion to the risk, and is a function of the paranoia etc. Doesn't help you see past it at the time I suppose. What would you say to getting a babysitter to take care of them while you are there, and you just shut yourself away in your room and get that sleep, then maybe spend an hour or two making a plan to feel better - look rationally at your employment options primarily I think, as I think if you could afford childcare (nursery, after school clubs) and had something you felt valuable to do at least a couple of days a week, it would massively improve your mood.

I don't know if your academic subject is a STEM one but are you a stats/numbers person? Would it help to think statistically about risk groups for abuse of children and choose a babysitter who demographically represents the least risk?

In our chats I discuss new jobs and say doing a hobby but the reality is I know I wont manage that. Also my house is clean. Also I know them though very distantly through work which I had to leave so I'm ashamed of looking a failure. Sometimes they say oh you look better and im crying inside.
I dont have crying depression. I am slow, poor concentration, delusions of guilt, hallucinations and over sleep. They are reluctant to prescribe ADs as they cause mania so reduced antipsychotics before Christmas.
Also hide away dont trust people and get ideas they are plotting against me which I have now.
Two days after today I get a day on my own. Just need to get there. But then will come home and sit on the sofa with curtains closed

I think if you could afford childcare (nursery, after school clubs) and had something you felt valuable to do at least a couple of days a week, it would massively improve your mood
Yes definitely but that option seems closed forever. I only have between 9-2 45 now due to childcare and caring needs
Was thinkibg of homestart but not sure thatd hit the spot really, though academically my focus was feminist research so it kind of fits but its not paid and not challenging

Thank you all