Parents of anxious kids/ teens support thread

[Stilllivinginazoo]

Hi
Welcome to parents of anxious/ teens thread.idea is to share tips and advice and listen and support each other on days things are getting tougher

That sounds lovely zoo. 😆

So here we are in Portugal. The rest of the family is in the house greeting the other family members who are here too and then jumping in the pool. I am sitting in the car with DD1 who won’t get out. Feeling a bit sorry for myself that I am the only one who has to do this.

I'm so sorry Bigbus - so hard being a mom sometimes . I'm sure she needs a little longer and will tire of being in the car soon enough. This reminds me of my friend's DS who spent 5 hours in the family car and refused to get out for a family Christmas get together at a relative's home. Thankfully in your DDs situation you have a comfy hotel room for her to relax in until she feels better.

Zoo fingers crossed for a blissful night of pampering and self care. You so deserve it

Ds2 testing my patience since returning from the dentist. Cranky and whiny and illogically impatient waiting for the numbness to go away.

Hugs for bigbus and Viking it's frustrating isn't it?

Boys just left.
Dd2 now arguing doesn't want watch film we had agreed on....my life is never straightforward

Aaargh Zoo hope it gets sorted soon and you can all settle in nicely with your pampered evening.

Viking we have reached final warning stage to put phone away and come downstairs or I confiscate the darn thing and all hell breaks loose

If it's not one,it's another pushing my buttons

Since 2.30 I've been like a broken record, trying to get DD to let DS2 wind down, as he was awake at 5 this morning. He's only just settling.

She argues with me that he should have no exercise 3 hours before bed, she's just had proof tonight that he really does need that time. She's jealous that we're doing all this for him, even though he doesn't exactly enjoy enforced relaxation. Pass the

Out of the car and with a glass of wine! I do feel for her - it’s just frustrating that she’ll only let me be with her when she’s anxious but then other people don’t take the time to work out how to manage the situation and end up making it worse, so in the end it’s easier if it’s me.

Philomena i have two other kids and I do worry about how they feel when so much time goes into DD1. They are currently burying each other in cushions and laughing a lot so I guess they are surviving. We are in a villa with extended family. It’s lovely, to be fair. I just need a deep breath sometimes!

Positive Saturday evening vibes to you all.

bigbus I hear you about knowing what to do D's melted down an hour's drive away and dp didnt/couldn't talk him down.i had a frantic phone call from D's convinced was dying as they drive back.hw only managed 10 mins and was devestated and angry with himself
A lot of crying in my arms on return as DP stomp off to bed slam door.girls frustrated our evening never happened.ds saying rang me as was scared wasn't go see my again(heart beat so fast thought go die) and wanted hear my voice.that made me cry too.nir howling like an injured animal like he was,just big drops falling in his shaking body as he clung to me.poor little bean

Calm now but very sad he's "ruined everything for everyone" apparently dad said wouldn't take him out in car again either.cheers for that dp

If I drank I'd be unconscious of floor surrounded by bottles by now.my goto(chocolate) isn't in supply and I've no money til tom
I suspect a long reassuring night ahead

My own fault for assuming a subject that ment so much to him would be manageable...

Oh no Zoo I’m so sorry the evening didn’t go to plan. DH also gets frustrated at times and responds with attempts to be firm - this might work with regular boundary-pushing kind of behaviour but as we all know, when a person is acutely anxious this will not work.

Have you tried explaining to DS (in a calm moment) that there are other people who want to help (eg DP) and that you need him to let those people help sometimes because it’s a lot for one person (you) to deal with all the time? I have had a similar, very gentle conversation with DD1 when the moment was right and she did seem to take it on board. Sometimes the anxiety is so much that only mum will do though (today was one of those for us too).

Wishing you a calmer and more chocolatey day tomorrow

Poor DS :( his dad needs to grow the fuck up though frankly, how is it going to help if he’s storming off in a huff?

Poor DS Zoo! And poor you for being his only support in times like this.
I really like Bigbus' suggestion, although it's hard when DP lacks patience (trust me I know ). I may have asked this before but are there any supports in your town where A: you can get some respite and B: has something like a Big Brother organization where DS can build trust with a mentor? Anything through your church?

Wish I could give you all big hugs and some calm tonight

Thanks for the kind words guys
Just had to put TV on(on sofas downstairs trying to sleep) as he was crying for me having woken up panicking
Words will be said to dp tom if I get an opportunity descreet(D's gets very distressed if there's arguing) problem is dp dad ignored panicky behaviours and was just a calming presence(his mum was an easily snicked,anxious person) so he found that comforting and assumes D's will.he also recognises the need to self regulate and whilst I've clearly said we shouldn't reassure certain behaviours(constantly agree check his pulse/throats not closing up)constantly when he's in a very bad "do" he does need reminding he will be ok and it will pass I tend favour a combo of soothing slow words "look at me(holds wrists and makes eye contact) I promise that nothing bad will really happen.i know you are very frightened right now but you can see I'm not worried about what's happening,and you know how much I love and care for you and distraction techniques(counting backwards in twos,reverse alphabet taking in turns,alphabetic listing of anything he's interested in/can see etc)
Viking in short no and no at moment.me myself and I at the coalface....been accepted by kids mental health services,but no support plan in place yet.im reluctant to take up offers of social care support as we had difficult time with them when D's was tiny and I had severe pnd(lack of support network they felt warranted putting my DC on child protection register and was worst time of my life)I couldn't risk going there again.it would kill me

FFS
Bloody phone!
*His mum was an easily PANICKED,anxious person

For the record,health visitor felt we didn't warrant that,neither did school that dd2 was attending nursery at.my children are my everything and whilst I agree I was very poorly and struggling take care of myself they were fed and clean(albeit it on occasion cereal for dinner with fruit!!)it was mainly triggered by D's losing weight/failure to thrive/notmeet milestones and they thought I wasn't caring for him properly which later deemed to be caused by an undiagnosed reversal chromosone

We have the first war of the day: DS2's killed his tablet so asked to use DD's, she then wouldn't let him have it. She knows the rule is that he gets to have it for the first 20 minutes of the day, then she usually doesn't let him have it at all, also, as she woke up very early for her, she has to try and go back to sleep, blue light doesn't help that.

Philomena oh dear.not a good start
I've barely slept.have huge amount needs doing today.wish hiding in bed was a suitable option!!

Zoo sigh I wish I could send you loads of chocolates to get through today (we at least need a chocolate bar emoticon! ) . You are doing a beautiful job reassuring DS. My DM is a worrier - I adore her but my sis and I remember her never, ever reassuring us as children. As a result, sister and I have struggled with anxiety.
You are doing a great job

Philomena hope things have settled and the war is over .

Hoping for calm for everyone today.

The war's over because they're in different rooms. DS2's watching Frozen, DD's watching someone I can't pronounce or spell playing Pokemon on YouTube.

Good evening all. I wanted to ask your opinions about something. I’m struggling to know how to make the distinction between anxiety and bad behaviour? DD1 was much better this afternoon - she sat outside with us and had a long chat about politics/racism etc. I guess I misjudged the situation because when she was expected to sit at a very relaxed family dinner she arrived 10 mins late, ate very little and left the table halfway through without saying anything. My brother had cooked. No one said anything but actually part of me thinks she does need to learn to behave properly. She doesn’t make an effort in situations she doesn’t want to be in, whereas really we all have to do things sometimes that we don’t want to do or find tedious. But also she clearly does suffer from anxiety so where is the line? I don’t feel like I’m helping her if I just let her behave badly and excuse it all because of her mental health.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated

Thank you

Philomena glad to hear things settled down.

Bigbus hard call about your DD, especially if she is going through puberty (hormones!). I often wonder the same with DS: anxiety, hormones, or attitude? .

Is she really comfortable around extended family? Can she easily participate in conversations with them? Have you ever noticed if she is uncomfortable in larger groups? If so that could be anxiety. That said, it doesn't excuse lack of manners and she can still be reminded to excuse herself politely from the table.

bigbus I'd second what Viking said about manner leaving the table and how she copes with bigger groups/hormones/extended family

Viking DP mum was a super worrier.he had panic attack from age 6 .his sister anxious and has OCD .she always felt had to organise everyone and it was suffocatingly hard for me to build a relationship with her as we had very different ideas about what was best for DP(let him do as pleases,no responsibility so he won't get stressed and potentially kill himself versus my he's an adult let him be one)she had huge meltdown hystronics with me and periods not speaking.when found have pancreatic cancer DP was banned telling me(,he did of course) but she was dead within weeks and it made it very hard for him as I couldn't go with him to the hospital and his sister lives other end of country so he was in the thick of it alone.i often wonder how different he would be if she had had therapies available today

Philomena dd2 copes by hiding in her room with dvd and headphones.we all need some sense escapism and whilst I miss them all be nice together accept inevitability they are moving towards adult pod and wanting time by themselves ...at least it's a break from the fighting!!!!

Sorry for the essay!

Half term here so try build a routine keep D's going out.bbl later to check how everyone doing

Adult pod
Adult hood
I need more sleep!!!!!

Well, they're my aunt's problem for 4 days, I'm taking them to meet her at the station at 1.25. She'll completely ignore any requests to keep to DS2's bedtime or keep him indoors 3 hours before. She doesn't believe in ADHD.

Philomena oh to be a fly on the wall by day two

Got D's unwillingly back in car today.i end up have sit in back with him but broke duck so to speak...
Also out walkas weather crisp and sunny.we picked mostly nature route so D's only had minimal wobbles

We need go town tomorrow.i need military plan this...