Parents of anxious kids/ teens support thread

[Stilllivinginazoo]

Hi
Welcome to parents of anxious/ teens thread.idea is to share tips and advice and listen and support each other on days things are getting tougher

Hope you are all as good as you can be
Will be back in a bit - to those who asked, the lone parenting is not by choice, no. Unless a job offer for DP does work out, my eldest will stay with her Dad in Germany and I will bring her siblings back to the UK.
That scares me but by the same token, there are upsides as well as the obvious downsides. I have a lot of residual guilt as to how my eldest has had to cope with her siblings and so she might do better without them being around - sad but true.
My partner is supportive and does an awful lot but it takes its toll on his own health, his work and our relationship. He is increasingly unable to calm down our son, he does not know how to deal with him a lot of the time and we argue over strategies a lot, as well as the fact that he does not have the time to do the reading so is sometimes, I feel, over-dismissive of the issues involved, overprotective of me and could do with an anger management course himself as he lacks the self-control and patience needed when a meltdown occurs.
C'est la vie.

Actually that makes him sound worse than he is and is unfair of me. In the past I would have said he had a very low fuse and the patience of a saint...but I have noticed that he has less in the tank these days and less time than me for self-care so his limits are being pushed I think. Hopefully a break from us will change that. Downs grabs
zoo hope something works out, I have limited experience of hospital education but am cynical if it is supply teachers. Hospital education and travellers' education used to be the bare minimum back in the day, hopefully things have improved since the 90s.

rage that sounds a very hard decision.i hope come August the right thing for your family happens,whatever that may be

Being an adult is so complicated! I went to Vienna last week for a conference and I stayed in this amazing airbnb (conference hotel was ridiculously expensive). The airbnb was a studio flat and it was all clean and white with billowing curtains, no mess, very quiet. I could cook just for me, sit quietly, watch what I wanted, go to bed early, walk about the streets and no one knew where I was! It was soooo amazing. It was like another world. I found it really hard to come back, I have to be honest. On Saturday DH went away for one night and I really struggled that day. I love my kids of course and I'm fine now and I do think I am better for the break, but sometimes real life is so hard!

I agree with the 4 am eating, I'm fine with that. I think there is slow progress here. Things feel a bit more hopeful, but every time that happens things go all crappy again so I'm trying not to get too ahead of myself.

I hope the education thing gets sorted out Zoo. I remember a friend of mine had nearly a year off with glandular fever and she came back to school into the same year and it went ok. What year is DS in?

Rage I hope things work out ok for you guys. My DH is engaged but he works long hours and sometimes just seems to completely not understand what is going on. DD2 gets very anxious if she's not in bed and tucked up by 9pm (she's an expert sleeper!) but when I'm away he'll completely forget about it and only tell her to go to bed when it's nine already (she's only 10), then she freaks out because it's so late. Sometimes I do wonder though if it's my fault for taking it all on myself and not sharing it so that he doesn't really know how to deal with things. Things can tend to escalate when he is in charge! But he is really good with them and does loads of fun stuff and school stuff. The whole family is affected by the anxiety I think.

Anyway, sorry for the loooong post.

Hope you are all having a bit of a rest this evening and making sure you take care of yourselves too.

I just watched bake off and Derry girls with my eldest while we ate brownies (younger two are asleep although I expect nosferatu DS to wake me up at 3am) Thank you for the kind wishes. Unmumsnetty hugs to you all x

bigbus don't be beating yourself up that maybe it's your fault your partner doesn't know how to do things.in my experience mum's step in to stop thing escalating which dads then step back with the she's got it covered mentality and so the cycle continues
I've never lived my DP.he also has anxiety and depression and his mum raised him to put himself first as she was scared he might be suicidal and didn't want him overstretching hi.self just in case.as such he can be quite cold and selfish (he's not a bad man,that makes him sound dreadful.he can be thoughtless and unaware of how much thing affect us as he's not here to see it though)
He comes over on days off and we text most days but I am for all intents and purposes a single mum and it's hard going managing everyone's needs by myself.i have no family and no real friends to speak of,no chance of a break/rest.had to learning suck it up and wait crisis to pass
I'm waffling nowbeen a long night on sofa With youngest and a bad throat/painful glands.....

Oh Zoo that sounds so hard! I don’t think you’re anywhere near me judging by your pics (mine would be mostly traffic and red buses!) or I would def suggests an actual rl support group for us. This group is great but a real person to have coffee with us also great. Are there any support groups local to you? Or could DP have the for a couple of hours once a month so you could go to a book group or something?

bigbushe's not able to cope with them all comfortably now D's is so anxious and dd2 a teen who will tell him what she thinks !!
I hide in my room and read and I set my alarm to go off early and have a little time first thing to myself.ive never known it differently,which is good I guess as I'm not hankering for something I once had iyswim?
I was talking to one of our church group on messenger yesterday about D's being very isolated and that as a family we have all become so.shes very kind and said she would have a think about ways the church could help.
Hope you are doing ok

Camhs rang today to sat booked app with school for us to all meet up regarding D's education.theyre saying can't do anything til 27th.seems like they need time to think up excuses/check everyone has stories straight why they've done chuff all ...

Zoo hopefully this will be the start of some kind of proper plan do DS. It must be extremely frustrating to have to wait so long.

bigbus indeed.its been very frustrating and I'm livid tbh.its an academy and it's all rules and fitting into boxes.if you don't they are very resistant to supportting.sadly we are lacking good other options.only other school choices would be a huge primary to secondary on very busy road 30 minutes walk away (which would terrify him) or another one 15 mins away but kids come out in packs like feral dogs,terrorise local shopping area but riding bikes slowly in carpark in packs yelling at drivers for trying run them over and stealing from shops as dares!!(plus they have weird tutor groups that are from all school years,it's ment work as mentoring but I would e concerned about bullying given state the kids attending and D's scared older kids and teenagers in groups)I don't feel confident to homeschool to GCSE level and can't afford pay someone else to
Big row with dp letting me down(again) yesterday.hes ment be coming today.ive given up and not planning as if he will.hes least my concerns these days!

Quick vent before I explode....

"D"p has been a nightmare last few days.denying D's does X.y.z to occupational therapy,suddenly realising he has "training" at work the day I'm meeting with O.T and school about education for D's
He's complaining about fact O.T asking questions about our anxiety etc,saying that's none their business/I don't want social services involved.
Erm anxiety does breed anxiety and you creating waves and an atmosphere sulking isn't helping anyone
When things are tough he keeps low profile and blames me

New to this thread looking for some advice. I have a 12yo suffering from anxiety. She has a phobia which has been treated a few years ago with exposure therapy, suspected cause was sensory.
The transition to secondary triggered major a anxiety. School have been very supportive about attendance and we have overcome issues of lunchtimes, some lessons, routines etc. She is still missing some lessons and any change to the routine is met with a huge amount of worry/panic. Ademically she is very bright and over achieving despite missing some lessons.
Eating is becoming a problem. She stopped eating much when she felt sick through anxiety and the appetite didnt really come back. She has gone off a lit if food - I think sensory may be part of it.
Going out for dinner is a nightmare because of the ambient noise, menu, and yesterday she had a major manic attack so we ended up leaving somewhere mid meal.

We were seeing a therapist but dd has asked to stop going as she didnt feel it was working. I have agreed on condition that she can stop seeing this therapist but we will find another one. We are going to GP this week as dd wants to ask for medication as she doesn't want to feel this way any more. Is she too young? I want to talk to them about her diet as she is underweight and I am concerned.

This latest panic attack has shown me how out of our depth we are. We have been coping for 6 months but I just dont know what to do. What should I be saying to the GP?

Panic attack, not manic attack. Sorry I cant edit the post

At 12 she isn’t too young for medication but I don’t think the GP would prescribe it - they will need to refer to CAMHs to deal with that side (or they would here anyway)

The eating stuff is hard. Ds is 9 and that is our current biggest challenge he is currently under the eating disorders team and while we are making some progress it’s linited and what he will eat isn’t going to help him gain weight

My DD is 12 and also has a phobia - hers is vomiting (emetophobia) and it has a massive impact on what and when she will eat. She has this 4 hr rule about not going anywhere for 4 hrs after she eats so now she sets her alarm for 4am, eats breakfast then goes back to sleep. This, however, is a massive improvement as before she was not eating or drinking anything after dinner until after school the next day which meant sometimes going 19 hrs without anything to eat or drink at all. She also has panic attacks when she thinks she is going to be sick - currently we manage them by talking calmly, using distraction etc. She’s starting to understand that the extreme panic only lasts a short time so it’s best to try to stay where she is and work through it.

The eating issues are by far the biggest strain on everyone. We’re seeing a psychiatrist who sets her small goals each time to gradually increase what and when she will eat but she’s reluctant to do it because controlling her eating controls her anxiety and any time she challenges herself she gets anxious again. The doctor did mention fluoxetine but at the moment we’re not going down that route. There has been some improvement but I live in fear that someone near her will be sick and we’ll be right back to square one again!

Zoo sorry DP is being so difficult. It’s the last thing you need! DS needs to feel that you are both with him in this and he needs to feel like you trust the team he’s working with so that he can trust them too. I’m sorry things are so difficult. Are you ok? Can you talk to someone at church?

bigbus we are heading to church shortly.its essential I keep links there at mo as this can be highlighted as positive as D's attends wellbeing cafe for 20 mins on Tuesday(his only social contact,albiet older people)and that we have a support network as we have no family network

Welcome eustaciavye
Ime all mental health issues have been referred camhs,incl meds(apparently this is the course of action favoured,esp in younger DC)also meds at this age tend to be a last resort
My D's is underweight.a referral to dietetics? Or if they think eating disorders clinic may offer you some help
Can you add butter/cheese/ground nuts to what will be eaten?

Lastly,have YOU support?it's hard work and we all need someone to watch our backs.post here as often as you wish,both worries and triumphs!
Self care is very important as anxiety is draining to deal with,in ourselves and our kids.even a few minutes each day makes all the difference

Thank you for replying so quickly everyone.

Camhs has a 6-12 month waiting list here depending on the problem :( it's why I took her to a private counsellor at the first sign of trouble. I should have got her on the wait list then but I just didn't realise we would end up here.

Dietician sounds like a good idea. As does adding cheese and we can try to switch to full fat milk. Cant believe we havent thought of that :/ she will only eat about 3 meals at the moment and has cut out most bread and meat.

I have a counsellor myself at the moment which is quite helpful. But dh and I are struggling. As is my other child :(

zoo havent been back to housework for a while ;)

eust thought the name rang a bell!!
If she will drink milkshake you could try fortisip if you are worried about lack nutrients.or make your own adding cream or ice cream for calories
I've taken to making banana and oat muffins,they're low sugar but full healthy things and he can sometimes ram in a couple and some milk/milkshake which adds up to a nicely calorific snack
It does impact a whole family.there are lots things we cannot do as a collective without stress anymore.outings,even trips to town in case busy/noise etc can set him off.its all strategies to manage him and dd2 has become very frustrated and angry at the combo of him and "d"p not being helpful.its the powerlessness if it all I think,she can't do anything really to make it go away.add in GCSE mocks in may and she's struggling,youngest gets mad at him(suck it up and get on mentality)I'm torn between haring seeing my son in such distees and knowing I shouldn't let things he finds had stop

*hating not haring!

She wont eat muffins zoo but will have milkshakes so those build up ones might work. I hadn't heard of those before.
She is the same weight now she was 9 months ago, despite the fact she has grown in height. She is very thin. I think the gp will be concerned when they see her. The thought of an eating disorder clinic is terrifying. She does eat, but the choices are getting more and more limited.

Other child is losing patience and we are just at a loss. I have heard of youngminds so might call them for advice.

I was also told you can "enrich" milk by adding skim milk powder to whole milk.you make it up a pint at a time and have to use it within 24 hrs

It's one pint whole milk and 4tbsp skim milk powder.x

Just be careful adding to trusted food. Ds realised I was adding full fat milk to his mash and we lost mash as a food

Thanks sirzy. Dh has raised that as a risk so I think we can only do this with dd consultation tbh. She is too clever to get it past her and due to the sensory issue she notices the variation in taste of anything. Different brand, near its sell by date etc