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Original poster

Dp cannot cope with the mess of toys

131 replies

itsnotmessy · 31/12/2017 07:02

Since Christmas my dp has really been struggling. He likes things to be in order and tidy but as you can imagine with Christmas just gone and 3 children off school, the house isn't perfect. The children have been given lots of toys and he's struggling to cope with seeing the toys out. I've tidied them away the best I can but once they want to play they make quite a mess. The problem is I encourage their play but dp hates it. He has already made a mental list of things to go to the charity shop. Some of which is new toys hardly played with. Our children don't have masses of things but toys like lego can cause quite a bit of mess when scattered around. Is there any ways anyone can suggest so I can make the house look less of a mess when the children are playing ?

OP posts:
Original poster
itsnotmessy · 31/12/2017 07:05

Also his reasoning is that if they haven't played with it in so long then they don't need it, but the reason they don't play with certain things is because he moans about them bringing it out!

OP posts:
Afreshnewyearplease · 31/12/2017 07:06

Can they play in their bedrooms? So its not right in front of him. Poor dc not being able to play

annandale · 31/12/2017 07:08

Couldn't help go for a long walk?

annandale · 31/12/2017 07:08

He not help

Capelin · 31/12/2017 07:08

When my DC we’re younger I used to have a wicker basket for stray toys in nearly every room. So if you want to do a quick tidy you can chuck all the toys in the basket rather than try to put them back in the right places.

DP also needs to make an effort though. Does he recognise that this is his issue, not yours and the DC? It’s ok for him to make a mental list if it helps him to cope, but he wouldn’t really take the kids’ new toys to the charity shop, would he?

Can you talk to DP about this? Say that his requirements are not reasonable, but that you can help him come up with coping strategies. Eg one room kept completely free from toys that DP can retreat to if necessary?

Original poster
itsnotmessy · 31/12/2017 07:10

They only have very small bedrooms and I do like to watch them as ds is only little. It is upsetting as I try to tell him that they are only kids for a short while. He's saying that the mess is really effecting his mental health. I'm torn as I don't fully understand his condition so I'm trying to keep everyone happy!

OP posts:
Original poster
itsnotmessy · 31/12/2017 07:14

*'He wouldn't really take the kids' new toys to the charity shop'
*
I'm afraid he would and he wouldn't think twice about it. I came home from work on Friday and there was some odd bits that dd had made in the bin. She will be gutted if I told her so I will just have to pretend they are lost. They were unsalvageable ( I tried) !

OP posts:
Capelin · 31/12/2017 07:16

It may be true that the mess is affecting his mental health. But the answer is NOT to stop the DC playing with their toys, it’s to find compromises and coping strategies that work reasonably well for all parties. Your DP needs to take some responsibility for this.

HolgerDanske · 31/12/2017 07:17

I think he needs to get some help for his issue, not let his problem take over the children’s lives. Getting rid of their toys on a selfish whim because mess stresses him out is incredibly cruel.

unpackyoursuitcase · 31/12/2017 07:20

Ask him what he would like to do to help ease his anxiety. You know what realistically can be done. Come to a compromise. You sound like a lovely mum: wanting to be nearby when your youngest is playing. If you do have room to have a toy-free area then I feel that this is your solution. It can be very stressful for someone who suffers from mental health issues to see all the mess. As a mum, you see the fun that they are having and the things that they are learning through play. You do not see it as mess. COMPROMISE is your friend xx Good luck xx

RestingGrinchFace · 31/12/2017 07:23

Can't they just tidy each toy away after playing with them? If space is an issue you can buy sofas and the like with hidden storage.

Ceebs85 · 31/12/2017 07:24

You need to be able to relax snd your children need the freedom to play in their own house. He needs to take responsibility by seeking help and finding his own coping strategies.

He could ask himself simple questions like:
What is the worst case scenario if the room is messy
How likely is that actually to happen
Is there an alternate view
Has anything bad ever happened because a room was messy
Is there any harm in children playing
Should they lose toys because of my issues

Not these exact questions but its an idea.

The children can't be so restricted because of his issues and if he's not willing to accept this then the issue is much bigger in terms of lack of insight and selfishness

Mrscog · 31/12/2017 07:26

If it’s affecting his mental health HE needs to get help for that, not put the burden on the children.

Original poster
itsnotmessy · 31/12/2017 07:28

Unpack thank you for your kind words. Our house is quite small but I will try today to clear the living room. I feel like because our house is so small the children are missing out on having the fun of playing with toys. They don't have too many toys but in a small house I suppose it can seem a lot.

OP posts:
MissWimpyDimple · 31/12/2017 07:29

It will ultimately effect your children's mental health if you let this go on.

I grew up with a father who controlled everything and we all felt like guests in our own home.

I don't need to tell you how that has effected my mental health.

He died last week and the mixed feelings have been enormous.

MissWimpyDimple · 31/12/2017 07:30

#affect

INeedNewShoes · 31/12/2017 07:30

My friends have a special fold out mat which the DC use for playing with Lego on. It keeps it contained in one corner of one room.

Do you tidy all the toys at the end of each day? That's the bear minimum most people I know would do anyway so that the house is nice after the kids are in bed.

I'm intending to insist that my child puts things away once they've finished playing with them but this will require work until it becomes a habit. It must be possible as I know people with houses that are pretty tidy and in the evening their living room/kitchen is completely clear of toys.

lljkk · 31/12/2017 07:31

Maybe your DH should charity shop away lots of his own stuff so then there is more room in the house for other people to have some stuff.
Sorry, am not doing a line in sympathy this morning. Other people live in your house & have their own stuff to enjoy. Grrrrr.

Capelin · 31/12/2017 07:31

OP, does he understand that his mental health issues are making him unreasonable about this? Or does he firmly believe that he is 100% in the right?

Original poster
itsnotmessy · 31/12/2017 07:32

Misswimpy sorry for your loss Flowers
That is something I worry about a lot. I tell him it could affect the children but he doesn't want to believe that. He has become very selfish the past few years but I am putting that down to his mh problems.

OP posts:
Original poster
itsnotmessy · 31/12/2017 07:37

Capelin he is 100% right in his eyes.

The children do tidy away after playing. My dd is amazing at helping me tidy up the toys, they are all such good children. At the end of the day all the toys are cleared away but even seeing a toy box in the living room is enough to stress him out. Then if I was to put it all into their bedrooms he would claim they have too much toys and they need to go. They honestly don't have too much.

When I visit my friends I find it sad that their children can play happily however they want but our children are more reserved and ask if it's ok to play with certain toys.

I think it's having an affect on them already.

OP posts:
Dancinggoat · 31/12/2017 07:38

He needs to tackle his anxiety around the toys. He needs counselling or another intervention to deal with this.
It will get worse. Get rid of half the toys , in a while the remaining toys will be too much for him , the noise and them running about will then be too much.
Don't pander to his problem , he's selfish not doing something about it and expecting you and your children to pander to his needs and wants.
I appreciate MH is all consuming and we need to be empathetic and understanding but people need to appreciate how their difficulties are affecting others around them.

Ceebs85 · 31/12/2017 07:39

Don't let him blame his selfishness on mental health problems!!!

ButtMuncher · 31/12/2017 07:39

Let me guess, your DH is a perfectionist who likes to rule his house on his own terms and you're all supposed to tow the line? And nothing you ever do tidying wise is ever good enough? Probably a really efficient man at work with a stressful job that brings it home? Shouts at the kids and frightens them? Always seems fine in front of everyone else despite his mental health issues?

Sounds like my dad. Who I have no contact with after making our childhoods miserable by letting us always feel we were treading on eggshells.

This isn't your DC - this is your DHs problem.

Jaxtellerswife · 31/12/2017 07:43

I'm in the same boat. I can't let it affect my kids though so due to other factors as well, today Is d day. He gets proper help immediately or we can seperate.
My three year old is already getting slightly fixated on cleaning his hands, sometimes before he's finished eating or playing.
The problem is with your partner not your kids. He needs to realise it and want to change.
If you manage to clear things the way he wants, it will turn into something else. Or you will have a clean house and neurotic children.
I wish you good luck, I'm at the end of my tether with the situation here but I want happy children so I'm telling him today. Shit or get off the pot

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