Dp cannot cope with the mess of toys

[itsnotmessy]

Since Christmas my dp has really been struggling. He likes things to be in order and tidy but as you can imagine with Christmas just gone and 3 children off school, the house isn't perfect. The children have been given lots of toys and he's struggling to cope with seeing the toys out. I've tidied them away the best I can but once they want to play they make quite a mess. The problem is I encourage their play but dp hates it. He has already made a mental list of things to go to the charity shop. Some of which is new toys hardly played with. Our children don't have masses of things but toys like lego can cause quite a bit of mess when scattered around. Is there any ways anyone can suggest so I can make the house look less of a mess when the children are playing ?

I think that's a very good post peanut. And I think too that the chances are there's something from his childhood here that's coming out more and more now that he's struggling with (which must be awful for him).

BUT.

The children and wife should not be suffering whilst he's like this and he should not ignore their needs for safety and security and if he's not willing to do anything, then he needs to leave for their sakes.

erm why did this man have children? he needs to address his MH and you and the children need to live your lives.

When you have children you cease to be the picture : you become the frame. He may understand this, but he's fighting it. The children are losing the battle he's created.

Forgive me if I've missed the relevant post, but you haven't actually explained what MH issue he's got/been diagnosed with?

Also, you say he doesn't want to live separately. Could you actually afford to do this?

My DH and I live separately (in the same city) during the week. One of the reasons we have this temporary arrangement (a few years) is that he struggled (especially at the beginning) to cope with all the paraphernalia and mess that comes with a child.

So he has got a diagnosis, has got medication treatment, has had CBT. But still thinks everyone else has to change their behaviour to accommodate his wishes.

That is so selfish. He is denying the children what they need. It is already causing them damage and it will get worse.

It sounds like the crux of it is that he has some highly invested cognitive dissonance regarding their playing, toys and mess. Either he needs to change (not going to happen), or they need to change (so it's got to be that then).

As a consequence of this choice, he is: saying that children don't really need to play; intimidating you and the children; disturbing their development and sense of self; throwing away other peoples' possessions.

It is going to be very hard for this situation to improve. It seems that his treatment is not being effective, and he cannot conceive that he can tolerate how this makes him feel. There are three things I can think of.

1. Two types of therapy. Both focus not on changing how things are, but being able to live with things we wish were different. One is 'Distress Tolerance' (not really a whole therapy in itself, more a technique). It teaches that whilst distress may be uncomfortable, it is not dangerous and it passes. There is a free online self help course here www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/resources/infopax.cfm?Info_ID=54
   The other is Acceptance and Commitment Therapy ACT. There will be lots of online resources for that too but I don't know of an easy one to hand. He could ask his CBT therapist about this, as it is a variation of CBT

2. A technique that is often used in CBT is surveying. This is basically data gathering. He does research about how other children's homes look. He will discover that yours isn't messy. He will then likely say 'yes ours isn't bad but I can't stand it - it's unnecessary anyway'. So then send him off to research the importance of play and unstructured resources and a loving supportive home environment. If he comes back with biased resources, express surprise, research together with him again, to get a balanced view (e.g he googled 'value of a tidy home', flip it to 'value of a messy home'). If he does this properly, he is likely to become distressed as his cognitive dissonance is being challenged. He wants to believe that his preferences aren't harming the children, and it will be painful for him to face that they are harmful. You can afford to be compassionate about this. As long as it doesn't force him back into denial. If he still believes he can't tolerate the distress the mess causes him (not likely to change tbh), now's the time for him to think again about moving out. It will be sad for everyone including him, but surely better than living with his intolerable distress, or damaging the children further.

3. If none of the above works, you probably need to think about separating / divorcing / moving out without his agreement. Otherwise you are colluding and complicit in this emotional abuse. It will damage the children and they may not forgive you or want to have a relationship with you or their father when they are older, or they may tolerate being in abusive relationships because they learnt it was normal. I'm so sorry this is happening to you all. It's a horrible position for you x x

itsnotmessy - he doesn't get to veto the options.

He doesn't want to separate and he doesn't want to change.

That is not reasonable. He has to choose one or the other, and if he chooses change then you get to tell him how well he is doing, and he has to accept that.

Can you contact his doctor or therapist and tell them that something is horribly wrong?