Dp cannot cope with the mess of toys

[itsnotmessy]

Since Christmas my dp has really been struggling. He likes things to be in order and tidy but as you can imagine with Christmas just gone and 3 children off school, the house isn't perfect. The children have been given lots of toys and he's struggling to cope with seeing the toys out. I've tidied them away the best I can but once they want to play they make quite a mess. The problem is I encourage their play but dp hates it. He has already made a mental list of things to go to the charity shop. Some of which is new toys hardly played with. Our children don't have masses of things but toys like lego can cause quite a bit of mess when scattered around. Is there any ways anyone can suggest so I can make the house look less of a mess when the children are playing ?

If just seeing a toy box is stressful your DP needs to get help. This is 100% his problem. There's nothing you can do if he's that bad.

OP, I had OCD post natally. Because I was frightened that the kids would sense my anxiety and because it's not ok to feel that shit anyway, I sought help to cure it.

Is he getting help with it?

My therapist told me to imagine my OCD as a bully. It is an incredibly good description. But in your case, your husband is allowing the OCD to impact on your children very negatively.

Engaging with the OCD and your husband as if the things he wants are reasonable isn't helpful. Don't negotiate with him about less toys. You're just reaffirming that he/the OCD is correct.

If it's a mental health issues he needs treatment and to acknowledge that the illness makes him want irrational things, and he needs to fight that, however uncomfortable, rather than make you and the kids miserable.

Imagine him moving out. You and your children living in a happy, relaxed home. No fear of being shouted at. You not constantly worrying about his moods. Does that really sound like such a bad option?

itsnotmessy - I want to reach out and give you and your DCs a huge hug.

My exH was like your H.
Complaining about 'mess' made by five children in a small house was his way of controlling our lives.

You have to give him a choice of either putting up with it or going to a doctor to have his 'anxiety' investigated. Don't try to accommodate his unreasonable demands. He will not stop at toys. You are being trained to feed a bottomless ego here.

Do not let him carry on like this with his lists of things to get rid of and his harrying of you and the children about whether you play with toys or tidy up toys.
As MissWimpyDimple says:
It will ultimately affect your children's mental health if you let this go on.

My own DCs have one by one gone NC with exH as soon as they did not have to participate in (forced) visitation any more. There will be no invitations to exH to weddings or graduations or any of the events a father would normally be present at. He has only himself to blame. I am far more sorry for my children however. They did not have the carefree childhood I had.

I remember one day when DS was about 6 telling all the others, 'Quick, daddy will soon be home. We have to clear up the toys,' with an air of urgency and real seriousness. If I ever went out and left the DCs with him I would return to find him ostentatiously cleaning and complaining about mess, with the DCs all sitting on the couch, tight lipped. Some of their stuff would be thrown away, like your DD's creation.

It was a MH problem with exH all right - it's known as being a controlling, entitled jerk who likes to have everyone pay attention to him and can't stand it when other people are happily engaged with something else.

As my exH put it in a rare moment of candour, 'The children should only be happy when I want them to be'. So we walked on eggshells. Is this the feeling you get here, OP?

You have very clearly described a situation he has set up where you and the DCs can't win no matter what you do:
At the end of the day all the toys are cleared away but even seeing a toy box in the living room is enough to stress him out. Then if I was to put it all into their bedrooms he would claim they have too much toys and they need to go. They honestly don't have too much.

This is not about toys or mess.

It is about your H playing power games with you all.

Don't try reasoning with him.
Stand up to him. He can put up with normal children's activities or he can get help.

You do not owe him any accommodation. The problem here is emotional and psychological abuse. He is bullying you all.

I recommend you buy and read 'Living with the Dominator' by Pat Craven.
Don't share it with your H.

If they are extremely well behaved it could be they are already affected by this. Does he acknowledge his mh issues or have any treatment?

In what way has he got mental health issues? Has he seen a GP about them? A psychiatrist? Got a diagnosis? Treatment (medication, talking therapy, self help)?

Or is he just controlling and doesn't like other people in his living space? Got you all walking on eggshells with his threats, moods and temper?

Would something like this help for the Lego. Super easy to tidy afterwards. http://www.wilko.com/blox-construction/wilko-blox-drawstring-playmat-carry-bag/invt/0438411?nst=0&gclid=Cj0KCQiAsqLSBRCmARIsAL4Pa9R0rfM0XBQhsY8RqZJO3V7pVl2ihVlj0Pk63E3ZdWwxALMJTtSN9MaAqzjEALww_wcB&gclsrc=aw.ds

My dd is amazing at helping me tidy up the toys, they are all such good children.

Are you sure your DD is not simply learning to walk on egshells?

Sounds like your OHs controlling attitude is already having an effect.

And yes - anxiety and worry are so easily transferred that your dh needs to take a serious look and how he’s affecting the children or how he could be ... because he will be for sure even if it’s not showing yet.

*This is not about toys or mess.

It is about your H playing power games with you all.

Don't try reasoning with him.
Stand up to him. He can put up with normal children's activities or he can get help.

You do not owe him any accommodation. The problem here is emotional and psychological abuse. He is bullying you all.*

I agree with this.

Agree with PPs who advise he needs help- but even for 'normal' tidy folks, mess can be stressful. Maintaining two homes would probably be more expensive than moving to a larger house with an extra room that could be used as a primary playroom or a study where he could create an 'oasis of calm and order' for himself. Is this not an option?
This should be alongside other coping mechanisms as wouldn't solve on its own.

Anyone who can't cope if a house isn't perfectly tidy all the time has a problem and needs help with their mental health. Why should your dc grow up under the shadow of this? The MN boards are full of adults who have problematic relationships and can't enjoy presents or stuff they own because of the way they and their belongings were treated by parents.

Well you could keep all toys upstairs and let DCs decide which one it is this morning/ afternoon and get that out and take it down stairs.
Lego can be kept on trays then tipped into container.
It can seem more fun if the more unpopular toys are rotated with the regulars on different days.
Is this a possibility.
I know someone who did this (put one or two toys out at a time) and the DCs played really interestedly in those toys rather than wandering from one thing to another, leaving stuff about.
You don' t say the DC's ages.

He needs help or this will affect you all negatively.

Is he jealous of the attention they get from you or the gifts they have received. Prob could do with some counselling to work out why he has the problems hehas.

He can be really fun and happy one minute then next minute shouting that the house is a tip and we need to throw stuff out.

This is emotional and psychological abuse.

My exH used to do this - he could flip from smiling to raging in seconds. We had to guess what would set him off. It's no way to live.

Sometimes a personality disorder or desire to control or take back attention that the children have 'stolen' makes itself manifest after children are born, OP.

If he has never been formally diagnosed or has never engaged with treatment for MH issues, then what is going on is probably not a MH thing at all. It is a handy get out of jail card if you challenge him. It makes him a victim of the circumstances he is forced to put up with.

He is not a good father.

None of the measures will help in any meaningful sense as it is a mental health issue and it will only expand to fill the space.

I think you already know that things are looking bad for your children - you have already told him that it would be best for everyone if he moved out (and it would), but did that in fact wake him up and motivate him to sort himself out? No, it didn’t. He’s still there training his children every day to be worried and anxious and to walk on eggshells around him, and scoffing at the idea that he might be damaging their development.

Yes quite, tbf it’s quite possible that it’s not a MH issue at all.

Is there any ways anyone can suggest so I can make the house look less of a mess when the children are playing ?

OP just re read the advice you are asking for.

This is not right.

It's not actually about the "mess" - it's about your OH.

He doesn’t want to look like the bad guy who walked out on his family.

Unless he changes his ways, he will be the bad guy, who stayed.

Idk if he used the phrase “look like”. Appearances aren’t what matter.

You can't fix this - even when toys are tidied away, he can't handle seeing a toy box. It's not a rational problem with a logical solution. If this is a MH issue then he needs to seek help to avoid damaging his children further. Clearly he's not going to take this on himself as he doesn't believe he's wrong, I'd be having to issue an ultimatum. Is he already getting help for these MH issues? I have physical health issues that make it difficult for me to look after my twins at times and my priority is staying as well as possible so I can be a good parent.

OP please find the strength to stand up for your children.

They need you.

Toy rotation has saved my sanity.
It's also a really good way of working out which are favourites and which are never played with.

Sorry but he needs to grow up and be a father. One that encourages his dcs to play and learn and be themselves.
His ‘need’ for things to be tidy come second I’m afraid, esp with 3 dcs!!

As for not wanting to look like the bad guy .... this can only be the case IF actually having to move out because the hoUse isn’t tidy enough for you is a being a prick. Which tells me he knows he is unreasonable.

You really really need to stick up to him and protect your dcs here. I’m getting the feeling you have been smooth8ng things over a lot and encourage them towards toys that aren’t too messy for his convenience. The results is that they don’t play with things they would enjoy out of fear their dad will be upset.
Maybe it’s time that you put your foot down for their sake and tell him that he needs to learn to accept that ‘mess’.
Then ask him how you can help him cope with it.

Last thing he isnt a good father if he regularly threatens to put the dcs toys in the rubbish bin. Can you imagine being a child and being told that X and Y (that you actually enjoy and are YOURS) will be put in the bin because daddy has suddenly got upset because they’ve dare using them???