Dp cannot cope with the mess of toys

[itsnotmessy]

Since Christmas my dp has really been struggling. He likes things to be in order and tidy but as you can imagine with Christmas just gone and 3 children off school, the house isn't perfect. The children have been given lots of toys and he's struggling to cope with seeing the toys out. I've tidied them away the best I can but once they want to play they make quite a mess. The problem is I encourage their play but dp hates it. He has already made a mental list of things to go to the charity shop. Some of which is new toys hardly played with. Our children don't have masses of things but toys like lego can cause quite a bit of mess when scattered around. Is there any ways anyone can suggest so I can make the house look less of a mess when the children are playing ?

Ask yourself if you could cope with the 'one toy brought down in the morning' rule?

I know I would not have been able to as a child, and I wouldn't inflict it on my DC.

Are all the decorations taken down now OP - presuming you had some?

(Sorry I missed the bit about him being stressed about one toy box. He does need to sort out his anxiety).

My DP is like this even though our DS is now a teenager. He watches TV in "his" immaculately tidy lounge and we relax in the other room. He then complains we don't spend time with him! I am naturally untidy and I used to really try to be tidy as it upset him but to be honest it made no difference. He is getting worse. On Boxing Day he flipped and knocked everything off my dressing table onto the floor because a little bottle had fallen on the floor as he walked past! He has had counselling and takes medication but it does not get better.

It sounds like you could do with a playroom?

We gave up our separate dining room and made it a playroom. Big Ikea shelving systems for all the toys and plenty of floor space. It can be absolute mayhem in there but we can always close the door on it and it means that rules about keeping toys and noisy play out of the living room aren't a hardship. The DC have a bedroom each which is mostly for sleeping in though they do keep some special toys and books in their rooms.

We are lucky to have a very old house that has lots of reception space, but having had the experience of how this works well to give the kids a messy living space while the rest of the house is relatively tidy and adult, I wouldn't hesitate to look at sharing bedrooms to create this space if necessary.

Have you got a room in the house which you can use as a toy room? I’ve just converted my dining room (hardly used) to a play room. All toys could be kept in there so he doesn’t have to see it and mess is confined to one room?

Please stop trying to suggest ways to make the OP have a tidier house.

This is not the issue.

This bullying man already has his wife- and now kids tip toeing around him on eggshells.

And " constructive " advice about how to be tidy. is simply allowing him to be more controlling.

My husband had a friend like this. The children had a bike( boy), a dolls pram(girl), a doll, a teddy bear. That is all we saw the children with in a whole weekend oh and three books. Poor little kids.

I would buy him a book on child development especially play. He needs to understand why children need to play. Talk to him about his childhood and you may find the reason, it may be learned behaviour. Get him to discuss it with someone. Your children's mental health is important too. A mat is a good idea because then the children can be encouraged to keep toys on the mat and he can see where to walk if he needs to. You could make or get someone to make a circular one with a draw string through so it is just lifted up and all the toys are drawn up. Try using a pine box that doesn't look like a toy box that might help for hiding toys after bedtime.

He needs to get out of the house doing two jobs. This will make him feel better as he doesn't have to see the 'mess'. It will make Op feel better cos she hasn't got some total arse dictating what he will and will not put up with all day and half the night and the DC can play in peace. He will then earn lots of money that can be spent on a bigger house, an extension, a massive conservatory or a massive and separate man cave in the garden for himself to relax alone away from normal thinking people.
Seriously. The problems are for him to sort only and this needs to be pointed out to him - firmly.

If you stay with him, your kids will grow up deeply stressed and rejected. They will have lasting emotional and psychological issues.

This isn’t a good parent. This is someone whose mood can turn in an instant. This is someone who forces your children to walk on eggshells and lose the things they care about.

Your kids sound amazing. You sound great. Your partner sounds like a selfish, negative waste of time.

You just need to think whose needs come first - your three gorgeous kids, who need and trust you, or the fucked up conteolling adult you made them with.

Since you posted this in mental health i think you must have some idea your dp has a mental health issue. If he does in some ways his behaviour is not his fault but it doesn't make it any less harmful to you and the kids. He needs to acknowledge that he has a problem and get some help with it. If he does that it may be that you could set things up to be more comfortable for him but not at the expense of your dc welfare. For example there's nothing wrong with a rule of only having one or two toys out at a time but there should be some flexibility about it and they shouldn't fear his bad mood if they break the rule. Or if it's Christmas and they have lots of new things there should be some understanding of that. He has to change is what I am saying even if it is a MH issue and its very hard for him.

Your DH is the problem, not the kids. They are behaving as little kids should and they need to play to learn. Your DH needs to seek support for his mental health problem. His behaviour is not normal. Get him to make a doctors appointment ASAP. Also, get him to make suggestions - how can he help play with his kids, how can he help tidy up after. To be frank, he sounds like a nightmare to live with.

Atrocious is spot on. I am the product of an emotionally neglectful, temper laden man who would never let us be kids, or indulge us by playing or having any interest with us unless we were doing something he wanted. He'd drag us to play golf at the weekends and we'd go along because we just wanted time with him, even though it was always about him. But at home he didn't take the slightest interest in anything we wanted to do.

Everything that Hermione said is perfect.

All I can add is maybe your dp should try some therapy. He obviously has a form of ocd and it’s affecting his ability to be a good father. Right now he sounds like a dreadful father!

This isn’t a toy or storage problem. He’s going off when there’s a toy box in the room.

itsnotmessy. You HAVE to prioritise your children’s MH. They are your responsibility & how you handle this will affect all of their lives, for all of their lives.

I would tell him that I will fully support any help he gets & attend any sessions that will help. HOWEVER, if he throws anything out or takes it to charity our marriage is over. No more chances. IF he refuses to get help, then our marriage is over. He is in real danger of doing serious damage to your children.

Have you ever watched ‘Hoarders’? The vast majority with issues like that have had a parent like your DH. One who takes their things and gives them away or destroys them.

Your children can’t grow up not knowing if their things are going to vanish while they’re at school.

Then there’s the shouting & not being able to play properly in their own home. It’s not fair on them.

I, personally, don’t think it would be a bad thing for any of you if you were to separate. You and the children could live in a happier, more relaxed environment and he could have a far better relationship with them if he’s picking them up and taking them out or if they are just visiting his place with minimal stuff.

I am very sympathetic with anyone with MH issues and believe we are all only one trauma away from being there ourselves. However, the children have to come first and when there’s a solution that minimises the impact on THEIR MH then it needs to be taken.

I can’t believe people are actually giving ideas to help this man bully his kids like this.

He has 3 children and gets stressed at the sight of a toy box? Ffs.

He needs to get a grip and some urgent CBT.

Your children don’t deserve this.

Like Hermione said, HE is the one with the problem and HE needs to sort himself out. I’ve suffered from MH issues for all my adult life so I understand his viewpoint. BUT, he is not the important one here, your dc are. You need to stand up for them, before his behaviour has lasting damaging effects on them. He needs to get help and find coping mechanisms, or he needs to leave.

Hi Op. I have no advice, and I find myself feeling very sad because this thread is a trigger for me. We had one room, the living room, where the toys had to be tidied away after playing. Otherwise, I had to insist that the DC could play anywhere. They are now 17 and 14, and DP still cannot cope with any mess that isn't his. He threatens to 'tidy up' and I have learned to say - just tidy up your own stuff. Too much detail to go into. I feel for you OP.

OK well I’d be tempted to tell him to get his arse in gear and buy us a bigger house but I recognise that’s not helpful.

He needs to be exposed to other people’s children so he can see how real families work.

Storage - IKEA is full of clever ideas. Or a cheap option, stacking vegetable racks. (We used these when staying in a tiny house on holiday, one ‘tower’ per child.)

Do your DC just get everything out at once? Maybe limit the number of toys available. It won’t do any harm and might help manage the chaos.

In the end though, this is a control issue for your DH and needs tackling.

He need to sit in your room if he can't cope with toys ffs. I presume the dcs were planned? Who plans dcs and doesn't expect toys?

He needs to get help for his MH issues and leave you and your dcs to enjoy normal family life. He reminds me of my ex bil. He was also a controlling cunt. Couldn't bear to see toys out but filled the house with his useless collectable junk. My dsis thankfully left him and her house is now a lovely happy place where a baby doll will be sharing the sofa with the dog and a peppa pig collection while my niece builds a fairy castle from an old cardboard box.

If he can't cope with the 'mess' tell him to live somewhere else until he gets help. That might focus his mind.

Unless he gets help he is paying lipservice to his.MH and using it as an excuse to control you all.

Presumably running 2 houses would be far more expensive than 1.
So maybe move house to somewhere with an extra downstairs room? Might be expensive, but worth it for everyone's sake?

Extra room then used either as a playroom or as a man cave?

And your DP needs to see a counsellor too.

He laughs at the idea that children need to play and turns it round to him and what he needs.

Then I'm sorry, this is not how a good father behaves.

Oh FGS to all the people talking about storage options, lego mats and toy rotation - this is not about toys! Since he's said that even the sight of a toy box sends him over the edge, it is most definitely about him.

He may or may not have Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder - it actually doesn't matter. When the way you're treated starts damaging you (and/or your children), the reasons why are irrelevant actually.

The damage just needs to be stopped.

Now, you could go for a long drawn out process of him staying in the family home and going for counselling (which probably won't come to much and will just waste a whole lot of time and during which his outbursts might get worse and during which you'll still all be walking on eggshells) OR you say me and the kids cannot tolerate this any more, I want you to leave, go for counselling if you want to try and make the marriage work but I don't want you here in this house until you can demonstrate regular attendance at counselling and measurable improvement.

I know that's very easy to say but a lot lot harder to do, but it is probably actually the honest reality of the situation. Do you want another Christmas like this OP?

I find the children's mess difficult to deal with, and have to spend 30 mins every evening tidying it up before I can relax.

...but your OH can't stand to see a toy box in the corner of an otherwise tidy room? He needs to speak to his GP.

You don't have a toy problem, you have an h problem. He is not creating a healthy environment for your children which is damaging. How are you set up financially?

I don't think its about 'managing the chaos' as op says he children are extremely well-behaved and don't even have many toys anyway. It sounds nothing like my house and I only have two children. I wonder if the children are so 'well-behaved' as they daren't not be.