The lonely journey of anxiety - loosen the tight grip of fear. Support, friendliness thread.

[Aintgotnosoapbox]

Hello. I have been suffering with various forms of anxiety over the last year, and have had the tight grip of fear - at times all pervading and almost existential, at other times just transient and anticipatory, which has led to a lot of feelings of being closed up, strained, and losing connection with others. When this happens I get a certain type of chest sensation which feels like pure fear. Sometimes, I am tired and can't tolerate it. Other times, I feel free and in control of it .
My antidote to all of this is connection, mindfulness, self care and various other techniques I have learned along the journey.
What I have also learned is that anxiety states are very lonely fearful places to be so I would really welcome anyone , whether well emotionally, psychologically, mentally, or unwell emotionally, psychologically or mentally, to come onto the thread when they can with a hello, a message or a moan about their day, and maybe we will feel better and get better together.
I was given a lovely compliment today, that I have very good social skills, and make others feel better and empathise. I'm not perfect, in fact have had the most tremendous struggle recently, but am starting to feel alive again.
Come and join me in a path to wellness and connection. Life is short, let's beat this anxiety together.

Velma, with OCD sufferers they tend to fear or obsess over something they don't want to be true as I understand it. So like if you have religious obsessions, it would be that one might say something blasphemous, or an evil, bad prayer etc. as in your own worst fear , also it shows as an obsessive doubt. I don't know if that rings any bells.
Have you tried mindfulness or meditation at all to train your mind.

I'm not arguing . I understand what you said. I didn't before. I felt emotion. I posted about it. I was trying to help other posters with my experience.

Take care.

Sorry posted too early. In headspace which is a sort of mindful meditation, the idea is you follow the guided meditation, and with practice, you start to see yourself as separate to your thoughts and emotions. Think it requires daily practice to develop.
I'm not saying this will be enough to sort of fox it, just thinking of something to help while you are waiting for the therapy.

I do feel it's derailing the thread with an ongoing discussion. This isn't a controversial thread, it's for support only.

Hello everyone,

As I'm new to this thread (and MN in general) I'd like to tell a little bit about myself and my anxiety. I know that everyone is different, but I might find that someone experiences it at a similar time as me etc, so would like to share.

I've always been a little worrier, but it was always to my advantage when I was younger - always prepared for exams, on time for everything, they were little worries.

Once I had DD 2.5 years ago, at 32 weeks, PND, anxiety, and I think OCD have latched on to me. I like to think of myself as a PND survivor, but still battling anxiety and OCD.

OCD-wise, I sometimes wash my hands too much. I wash them because the minute I touch something, I think they're dirty. I tell my husband to wash his hands, my parents, it drives them mad. Aside from in summer, I have hundreds of little cuts constantly on my hands, caused from washing. I lost a job a few months ago as they were concerned with my hands. But I'm testing myself - I don't always wash them now, and I'm getting better on that front. I worry about contamination - if I drop something, particularly anything for DD, I need to clean it. But I don't manage to keep the house clean- so it causes me anxiety all the time. I change my socks numerous times as I feel like it's moving germs around. If someone coughs, I back away from them. I won't sit on the bed in trousers that have been on a bus seat. I don't understand germs, so I'm being way over the top. I can only put this down to DD being in neonatal unit for 5 weeks, where cleaning was encouraged all the time.

Anxiety-wise, I used to suffer all day every day. I could barely function. Going to Waitrose with DD put my head in a spin, feeling hot and sick also. I was driving once and went so dizzy I had to stop. I had near-panic attacks randomly, with nothing in particular bringing them on.

But now, my anxiety is mostly at night. If I get woken from my sleep very quickly after going to bed, I wake up shakey. My whole body shakes. My heart jolts. I feel hot, sick, dizzy, I feel so panicked. I do my advent- alphabet in my head, or take my mind off it. And then I fall back to sleep, and keep waking, maybe 5-10 times with the same symptoms. It's so scary. This happened last week, whilst I was on holiday.

Treatment-wise, I tried anti-depressants, but took them for one day before feeling so anxious I couldn't be in the same room with anyone for a week. My husband had to do everything for DD, it was nearly the worst week of my life.
I was put on the list for CBT therapy, and made it to the top after 1.5 years, but have no one to look after DD, so I haven't had it.
I had a number of sessions with a hypnotherapist, which I believe helped my PND. I spoke about everything that happened when DD was born. At that stage, I re-lived her birth numerous times a day, over and over in my head. But now I don't, and I can actually speak about it. My best friend had a baby yesterday, and I've been able to share in her joy, even though she's experiencing all the things at her labour and baby's birth, that I wasn't able to. (Holding after birth, breastfeeding, and planning to go home soon). I'm a little jealous yes, but my emotions are well under control.

My DD is a healthy 2.5 year old, and i know how lucky I am

Thank you aint, yes, its the fear it's true or will become true that is scary, not that I categorically know that it's true. Your example is often given as an obsessive intrusive thought example as well as the mother having the thought of smothering her baby and when I read it all, I'm inwardly nodding and agreeing whole heartedly, going, 'yes, yes yes, that's me if I just replaced that example with my example' why won't it bloody well stick in my head that what I'm thinking is nonsense and I can just go 'sod off you lying so and so' (harsher words run through my head, but you get the idea). Why is it that some thoughts stick and some will just not stick, why won't the constant feeling I've had for nye on 26 years, where i've known irrefutably that I love DH over power the horrible thought that I don't? Anxiety is the proverbial head f**k.

married everything you've written about your OCD other than the obsessive hand washing until i make them sore resonates with me. When my anxiety is at full pelt I have the old contamination thoughts more readily and your example of your trousers from wearing them on the bus, yes, I've been there too, exactly the same. Even though I don't obsessively wash my hands I can assure you we do go through lots of hand soap in our house and if I'm cooking I'll wash my hands between touching one aspect of the meal and another. When I'm showering I will have certain parts in my 'routine' where I wash my hands even though i'm in the shower, such as after washing my face i'll rewash my hands before I wash any other part of my body incase I've got the start of a coldsore that I've not noticed so that I don't contaminate and infect other parts of my body with the herpes virus.

Here's a thought to ponder, why is it that over thinking never happens about something happy, why is it always something negative to focus on? Wouldn't it be great to constantly have a lovely thought to be intrusive, such as cute puppies running with their gangly legs and floppy ears with that wonderful look of sheer enjoyment on their face. I know the answer why, but I wish it was that way and not the way that it does happen.

I wish I hadn't cancelled the hypnotherapy now, I might be in a different place now if I hadn't.

I think because it's fear based, so for example, if again, you were religious, it might be a doubt that you really believed after all, that you might have a sudden fear of for eg saying a negative thing about God or whatever. It's almost as if , wanting to have a perfect faith and not lose it, means you then develop a fear that you are about to sabotage it.
Or a mother wants to protect her newborn baby so much, she wants everything to be right, and then develops fear she may secretly want to harm her baby, even though she knows she doesn't want to do that, but can she be sure? Even though it's the last thing she wants. And people with OCD are extremely low risk for harming anyone, it's a fear that they think that they might think a bad thought etc that causes them the distress.
Sometimes I check things, the gas cooker. If I start checking it , it can become more difficult to be sure if I checked it properly after all. The more I might be tempted to check, the less sure I might become. If I only check it once and disengage, I'm usually ok.

Anxiety and OCD are built around caring.

Thanks for your posts - it's nice to know I'm not the only person battling these things.

Anxiety scares me less as I try and work out why it's happening, or at least try and give myself a reason. I think that my anxiety is bad when I wake up as this happened - my waters broke in bed and woke me up. At 32 weeks pregnant, I was absolutely terrified and thought that DD had died. I try and tell myself that this is the reason why I have anxiety when I wake.

I test myself all the time - if I don't wash my hands, the worst thing to happen would be that one of us might get a tummy ache. I try and tell myself this. I did lock the front door, I have got my phone and purse, I did check the hotel room before we checked out, the list is endless.

My hypnotherapist told me that a reason why I was having random panic attacks could be because my brain was going over things in the background. I liked the idea of this, it gave me a reason, which makes me feel better.

Hey. Sorry I'm so late to the party, I've only just found this thread.

I've had panic disorder for 27 years due to becoming very ill as a teen. Over the years it's manifested itself as health anxiety and agrphobia mainly. I'm not anxious about public speaking type stuff, more things associated with small spaces and dying. I've found over the years that exposure (I do this myself) has helped. For example when i cant drive I will sit in the car One day, the next ill drive down the road, round the block etc - until ive done it enough to give myself good memories (that i managed it) rather than rhe bad ones that I can't.

I also accepted several years ago that it was likely to be with me for the rest of my life... and that instead of fighting it I should just allow it to wash over me - because fighting it forces our natural and inbred flight mode to kick in. It's scary but it won't kill you. Panic attacks only happen because physically we are doing it to ourselves - if that makes any sense.

I had a rough spot 8 yrs ago and after years for medication I finally gave in and took 20mg of citalopram and undertook CBT. Both worked wonders but particularly the CBT as it helped me understand what was physically going on when I was anxious.

I've just been diagnosed with a life altering illness (actually two - won't go into details because of the people with health anx among us) and I'm really scared about my anx getting bad again.

My illnesses may stop me from working at some point in the future. I've always managed to work and tbh work has at time stopped me from feeling totally insane. It gives me a purpose and a focus.

I'm terrified.

Sorry. * Years of refusing medication.

Ineed welcome to the thread.

aint yes, you've explained it as I've read it before and it all makes sense and I can inwardly see and agree it's a fear. This is further supported by the fact that when I have moments and days of clarity, my normal feelings come through and I just have a calming acceptance that I'm happy with DH and I just don't have to question it, I just know I want to be here, with him and DD. Underneath, like now that the anxiety is abating a little from earlier I'm comforted by the fact I know he's upstairs at the desk, just being him, his usual calm, placid, caring self. Don't get me wrong he has his annoyances and foibles, but ultimately after all these years I just accept them as part of him. Likewise I know our marriage isn't perfect and there are things we could and are trying to do to keep us on track, but when I think of being old, I think of being with him and the idea of my dreams and hopes being shattered is what makes it scary.

What is even worse is that the longer the anxiety and obsessive thought stays it becomes harder to not believe it.

Ineed welcome to the thread. That sounds very tough to be diagnosed with serious illness at a young age, and also now further illness on top of anxiety. I hope you have support and help. Please post as much as you like on here.
Velma - anxiety has many forms it seems to me and we don't all fit into neat boxes. Are you also scared he doesn't love you, or just you don't know if you love him I ? Maybe it reflects anxiety/ insecurity in your relationship because of your losses.
I found this week, that my unprocessed feelings had to be felt and worked through. When we suppress feelings because we just have to cope, sooner or later they come back to bite us on the bum. One of the things I have is traumatic grief. Pushing all the feelings down just to be able to move on and survive, worked for a while but now I have to process the feelings in a safe way in therapy.

So only certain things are allowed to be posted? Feelings and querying things to clarify aren't? Completely getting the wrong end of the stick. Not what I wanted, meant or need so I'll thank everyone who has given support and I wish you all the best. Good bye.

aint no not really. I feel 'bad' that I have the thought that I don't love him, that I'll be ruining it all. I can't comprehend why I have th

The thought.

I know that OCD thoughts have no meaning and the act of finding a meaning is part of the cycle of anxiety/thought/anxiety/thought.

I also know they are ego-dystonic (so go against the very thoughts and feelings that make me me), but even though I know this and rationally it all makes sense the sodding thought won't go away.

I really can't wait for my treatment to start. I just want it gone so that I'm in a rational mind where I can think things through properly.

Thanks everyone for the replies. I really do appreciate them. No one else around me AT all understands me they keep telling me to stop it. I know where they coming from but I am like yes I would love that. Then another thought comes and that's me counting again for the rest of the night..... exhusting. I can also be quite genius at getting people to play along with my OCD tendancies .... even PROFESSIONALS I have seen. So I've read a few books. There's one written by a guy who doesn't give his surname but suffered for 10 years and his method really worked for me for a while. I need to buy that book again it was the first one that made me realise what I had and how to live WITH it. I was always trying to get rid of it. I read some wise words the other day from a professional. He said nearly all the people with OCD are nice people who care.... too much. What is the part of your OCD And anxiety that annoys u the most????? For me it has to be the rituals. Seriously I would love to turn off the tv, quick ten second check of kids door and cooker windows and go to sleep. It's like an hour long. It makes me go to sleep so late and because I don't want to do it I stay up late watching films but I can't be bothered. I also wish I could just go out for a meal without checking I haven't left something or my kids have left something that could hurt someone else. My worry is always about hurting other people. I watch other people go out and leave a table without doing five million checks and I want to be able to do that one day. Xx

Ps. I have decided to take two weeks off work for me. I'm going to get a docs note because I so close to having a breakdown. I'm going to see CBT therapist, go to the gym swim yoga and lots of time outside and see if it can just balance me a little bit to get me thinking a bit clearer. I think someone called it a mental health break. I'm telling my boss it's better than me being off for months with a breakdown. Either that or I'll tell him it's the headaches see how brave I am

With regards suppressing feelings, yes probably this is connected. I find I'm quick to tear up when I talk about my Mam.

When I talked to the therapist on Tuesday about it, he just said, 'can I just say Velma I'm very sorry, it sounds horrible.' I teared up and felt overwhelmed that somebody had recognised that it was truely horrible. I list my best friend when she had the brain bleed, i regret not giving her a hug when she put her arm out to give me one and I brushed it off by saying, 'don't be silly, of course I'd look after you' (I'd taken her to the toilet). I remember the feel if her hands in mine as I washed them.
I know that her disability and death has had a massive impact on my underlying anxiety levels. Other factors also contributed, but nothing really to do about DH other than I was conscious we weren't spending as much time together due to us both being busy which I was a little concerned about. I could their use that thought came as a supposed protective mechanism to my concern, but at the time of it happening I was chopping veg in the kitchen.

Their = theorise

Apple I can relate to the bedtime ritual, though it's not as bad for me. Just a cycle of checking the range cooker ( on all night) is not too hot, there's nothing on it, gashob switches in off position, sockets off at wall, but then as I finish and turn the kitchen light off I doubt if I did it right and start it again, especially the gas hob which has to be done in each switch in turn until it feels definitely secure and definitely off. But it doesn't interfere with my life or take long, and it's not every day, however sometimes I get stuck in the cycle of checking. I'm not too bad when my ds isn't there, like you it's about keeping everyone safe. In my case it's to do with losses and feeling too responsible. Sympathies.

Velma- yes I agree with you. Oddly, I have a slightly similar experience, it's not something I can put on here, but I might pm you at some point. I think things with mothers are traumatic, even if you aren't close, and very much if you are. I'm so sorry.

AINT - it's just annoying and soooo tiring?! If I did what u did even I would be happy. I've got to count as well and if any number resonates negatively I have to go to another number - it's really pathetic even when I write this down but when I'm in full swing with my stomach in knots from anxiety it's ridiculous. What's your main OCD anxiety that u would like to stop

I count the gas hobs, if I worry that by touching a switch I may have accidentally turned it on, I have to do them again. Or, if for example there are pans nearby so I cant focus properly, or I turned a light off and therefore can't see absolutely, have to go through the switches again.its painful and I don't even have a diagnosis of OCD. When I lift my hand up from the switch I am so careful not to move it, but of course it always moves! Sometimes, however I am more chilled and just turn things off normally.

Hope everyone has had a restful night?

The cat woke me up quickly after falling asleep, so my anxiety was bad. I've had a very anxious night, feeling very tired this morning. Stupid cat picking the stairs!