The lonely journey of anxiety - loosen the tight grip of fear. Support, friendliness thread.

[Aintgotnosoapbox]

Hello. I have been suffering with various forms of anxiety over the last year, and have had the tight grip of fear - at times all pervading and almost existential, at other times just transient and anticipatory, which has led to a lot of feelings of being closed up, strained, and losing connection with others. When this happens I get a certain type of chest sensation which feels like pure fear. Sometimes, I am tired and can't tolerate it. Other times, I feel free and in control of it .
My antidote to all of this is connection, mindfulness, self care and various other techniques I have learned along the journey.
What I have also learned is that anxiety states are very lonely fearful places to be so I would really welcome anyone , whether well emotionally, psychologically, mentally, or unwell emotionally, psychologically or mentally, to come onto the thread when they can with a hello, a message or a moan about their day, and maybe we will feel better and get better together.
I was given a lovely compliment today, that I have very good social skills, and make others feel better and empathise. I'm not perfect, in fact have had the most tremendous struggle recently, but am starting to feel alive again.
Come and join me in a path to wellness and connection. Life is short, let's beat this anxiety together.

Velma, it's the ine with MenoMood in the title.

I've decided to reread notes I made after EMDR treatment and also write down how shit I felt yesterday when I did things and the results. Haven't had chance too yet though .

strong I read your other post. Sorry I can't provide advice, but do keep posting about your anxiety. If you do honestly feel that AD's will help ask your GP. They can advise all they like, but they can't see inside your head to see the level of distress or upset.

I'm pleased you are going to get some treatment.

Hi all
Velma- a great big yes to a coma and waking up relaxed calm and happy . My counsellor / psychologist said hypnotherapy might be of help to me- I'd be interested to know how it goes if you happy to say.
I am still feeling pretty rubbish. I am wondering whether the new job O took, ' easier' as it is, with more free time, just isn't as rewarding, I haven't inspiration at all, just duty and determination. Not sure I can take another two years of that. Soul destroying. It's so much better on paper, so much worse in reality.

Anyway, headspace badly needed for me tonight. Really need to try to be more positive, sorry everyone .

Sometimes I like it when I feel rubbish, because then I can seem to do something about it.

Gratitude : have just heated a lush chicken casserole up that I made yesterday
: i went to work today
: I love my son more than life itself
: I can rest in my comfy bed tonight safe and dry with a storm outside
: there is no such thing as stuck, there are always choices
: I literally adore my therapist she is lovely
Goals :
: to remember to be grateful
: to love
: to rest
: not to fight it, allow it. Accept the anxiety , it will pass

I love this thread, it's great to read about people who are similar to me. Anxiety and depression are very hard to understand when you haven't experienced it, so it's nice to share on here.

I first experienced anxiety and depression after my daughter was born in 2015. She was born 8 weeks early. For the first 6 months we all did well. But then she didn't sit up unaided as early, didn't crawl as early as other babies, and I began to blame myself for her prematurity (we never found out why she was early). She is now a healthy 2.5 year old.

After 6 months, suddenly bam, PND appeared. Every day I thought about death, i walked the same route with the pushchair every day, near a golf course, as I thought that if I was to die, people who notice and quickly look after baby. I went to hypnotherapy and she asked me to picture a happy memory, to describe it, and I couldn't come up with anything. Looking back, I can't believe I was that unwell.
Depression is horrendous, I think Im clear of it for now, but I make sure I look for a good thing each day, and be grateful for all the nice things I have in my life.

Anxiety is just as horrendous as depression for me. I used to be hit regularly with anxiety "episodes" - a wave of panic would overcome me, and I'd jump up and shove my head out the window or door. It would happen at random times, when I'd be putting baby down for a nap or watching tv. Each episode would knock me down for a week or more. One happened the day before a week at center Parcs, and I was anxious for the whole holiday, walking round all lightheaded, and anxious in the evening, just going to bed to have a break from anxiety.

BUT........I'm not scared of anxiety now. I no longer think I'm dying when my chest hurts, I have tricks to help me. If I have anxiety, I take my mind off it by trying to remember things. For months I played "advent alphabet" - going through the alphabet thinking of an advent-related word for each letter. Advent, bauble etc. I now recite (in my head) Twas the night before Christmas (yes, I love Christmas and can be found lurking on those threads!). It has helped me loads.
I'm lucky as I know my anxiety isn't as severe as some, I'm able to take more time to myself as a SAHM (I left my job due to anxiety). Over time, it has got better, little steps need to be recognised. After an episode, I tend not to want to take my daughter out. But if we go to the beach, or aquarium, even when it's been a massive struggle for me, I think to myself, well done me. I think we are all guilty of putting pressure on ourselves sometimes, when we need to give ourselves a pat on the back every now and again.

Wow, sorry for the long post. I'd like to join please

Welcome married thankyou for sharing, so well put. I really identify with a lot of your description of your anxiety. When it comes to our children, nothing can instill such terror in me as that fear of loss. And yes to waves of fear and panic, and work anxiety .

welcome married, good to have you on board

I love your lists aint

for me

Gratitude -
lunch with my fabulous supportive sister today
a walk on the beach
feeling at ease with my body today for a while
a new meditation practice my counsellor suggested to help me achieve ease with my body
feeling mellow today, unlike yesterday
Goals-
to get up early tomorrow to do my meditation practice before the rest of the house wakes up
to accept the tightness and tension when it comes, breath into it, wait for it to pass
to be me

that book sounds really interesting lasagna

Lovely calendula. What a hopeful journey we are all on, even on the bad days

Afternoon everyone, I've been thinking about posting for a few days, but I feel I'm the odd one out. Everyone is so positive, doing so well, even on the bad days, and I just feel awful, all day, every day, made myself do tiring things yesterday, so I'm giving myself a rest day. But I'm still stressing about what still needs to be done, how to do it, how guilty I am for doing nothing much today, how I need a job, but can't cope with one. Etc, etc. And behind all these is the fear , the exhaustion, and the unchangeable things that just nag at me all the time. I just hate being alive.

I never thought my life would be like this. So angry at how it is. Nothing is how I would have ever wanted it, but I'm just trapped in it. It's not worth the fight, so bored of dragging myself through the same stuff over and over. Ain't, I get what you say about gratitude, but in my life, things are given, then taken away, again and again, and then expensive problems come out of nowhere with things I should be grateful for. Rant over.

LoveMySituation - Sorry to hear you're feeling that way.

I haven't got long to post everything, but maybe it would help to look at individual tasks rather than everything you need to do, all at once.

I am usually feeling very overwhelmed with everything I have to do, so I try and focus on one or two things.

Stuff that needs to be done.
Something you'd like to get done.
Things that can wait until a later date.

Take care of yourself.

I'm finding the same. I'm up and down. The ups last seconds. The downs get worse and last longer. I'm living my life the way I was trained too. Put up and shut up with the new me trying to process, accept, relearn etc. I'm just so sad. Feel like crying. Can't cope with anything. Not doing anything well. Feel so sad as I'm not a horrible person. I'm just so sad.

Welcome married

strong and love don't ever think you aren't doing as well as others. You are always doing your best. There are times when I just want to get up and walk out and never come back. There are times where I just want to sit in a corner and cry until I have no more tears. You are doing your best....
News from me is that talk therapy have been in contact and I have my first consultation re CBT on Tuesday. I told them that I was also going to see somebody for hypnotherapy and they have advised that I shouldn't mix the two up, but I should do what I think is best.
I've since got out and reread the paperwork from the CCI worry booklet and I'm reading through the GAD stuff and when I first read it I thought so much that it describes me, but now that I've learnt more about obsessive thought I don't think I fit GAD so much in that I don't have lots of worries at any one time, I have one worry that is intrusive so I will discuss that with the therapist on Tuesday.
Likewise, I feel a bit annoyed that I should decide which is best, I wanted to say to him, 'how the hell do I know, I'm the one entrusting my mental health to you lot. I'm not trained in mental health issues, I'm trying to get through day to day and learn how to overcome it. It's not for me to decide what is the best route to go down, it's for the professionals to diagnose me properly and then provide the relevant treatment.'
Rant over...
I'll mention the one intrusive thought on Tuesday and ask if I now fit with GAD. All my other worries I can relate to loss, other than sickness, but I think that is because I get so mentally exhausted that if something unusual was to upset the running order of the day it would quite possibly break me.
Therefore do I need counselling for bereavement as the route cause of the anxiety?

Lovemy , this illustrates so well where online communication can fall down. I know exactly what you mean, I read positive posts from others and also think I'm not doing well. For fear of dragging others down, and in an attempt to lift myself, sometimes I try different things, such as thinking of the small positives. Thank you for expressing how you feel. I also feel overwhelmed especially on work days, when tired, after therapy. I am better than at my darkest times though , and still have a fear of falling back. Please be assured I have felt as you do, am not judging you, and also feel like that in some days. It's very hard and you are very brave. I know how exhausting it can be just to get up in the morning and face another day as if life is a constant struggle against myself. Please keep posting and know we understand and feel your pain.

velma they say not to have more than one therapy or therapist at once. What do you think? To me, CBT is more directive, with a firm structure to the session and homework assignments, links between thoughts feelings and behaviour, it's very evidence based.
Hypnotherapy to me might be more holistic. Problem is you might be better to go with the NHS one for now as if you don't you could need to be rereferred etc .

Just wanted to say thank you all for the lovely and helpful words. I will e back later to post properly to all!

Hi everyone, it's lonely being anxious and that's why we are here. Hope everyone feels some peace or relief at it being a Friday evening. Apologies to those working the weekend.

I am better this week compared to last week, but everyone at work tends to still ask if I'm ok, meaning I'm looking pretty miserable/serious. Last night I felt I want to leave my job. Then I got stuck in thinking that I can't go back to my old job. Today I just got up and went in. I was nervous and low, but sat in the chair at least and carried on. If I feel I can't cope though at any point, I will take time off, which will automatically lead to an appraisal, some extra mentoring and input, but also a formal record of mental health difficulties. But if I need that I will absolutely do it.

❤️ 🎶 🌷 💕 🍸🍷❤️

This week has been hard. Yesterday was worse than it's been in a long time. Then today I ovulated. Could hormones really have that much of an effect? Still sad today, still did one stupid thing, but also spoke to dh, wrote what I was supposed to write yesterday/this morning, made dinner, walked the dog, did the ironing. Feel scared as happiness never lasts. Not that I feel happy. Just don't want to kill myself this moment.

aint yes, that's my thought.

I will have the phone consultation on Tuesday and explain my thoughts. I can always cancel the hypnotherapy if I decide that the CBT is better suited and if the CBT isn't as useful I can always try the hypnotherapy at a later date.
Likewise I don't want to get half benefit from either and not actually get anywhere by doing both. I might have to talk to the hypnotherapist and discuss whether she can work alongside the CBT so that I can make my decision.
Another important point to consider is the money I'll save by not doing the hypnotherapy and I can do the CBT therapy on my day off so I won't have the added issue due to being away from work and then having to rush to catch up when I'm there.
I'm not going to over think it, so the plan is to firstly have more info from the CBT therapist on Tuesday then work from there.

I've ended up having a good day today. I started off abit wobbly, I was very mentally and physically weary at my exercise class, but i had a good 1hr nap this afternoon and I'm much more focussed and relaxed this evening.

Yes just say yes to the CBT. Then ask hypnotherapist her advice re start alongside or wait until CBT finished x

Evening, I've been feeling a bit better, tiny bit more hopeful but so, so tired. Think I read somewhere that you use up 80% of physical stores when anxious and 90% of emotional ( maybe other way round) so no wonder we are all so exhausted.

Velma, I'd second(third?) Aint's advice re CBT, for the reasons others have said plus it's hard work doing work on yourself, and I think energy can be best given wholly to one thing at a time, with the homework as well. My CBT kept saying 'you get out what you put in', and there's always time for more later.

Strong I really feel for you. I know how it feels to be crying, and feeling like you can't cope with anything. This 'thing' just strips everything away, and you become this new person, one you don't recognise. It's hard, and as velma says, we're all so stretched that if anything extra happens, it throws us. From what you said, it sounds as if the way you have to live, is causing a lot of this. Is there any way to change it? Hormones I think, can be that powerful, I get a few days when I feel so much worse, and very angry, and it's always at some point before a period (It's always varies exactly when!) Going to try evening primrose.

Aint, I'm in awe of all of you on this thread that manage to work as well as fighting this all the time, so already to my mind, you are all doing better than me, and nothing I do is good enough. But I grew up with a very critical father who still is the same to me now, so maybe its his words I'm hearing. I read what you said about the terror of the loss of children, and it dawned on me that as that has effectively happened , it may be behind a few things. There's so much understanding on this thread, sometimes its the only thing I can hold onto. Thank you all for your honesty to all

Love, thankyou for your post. Above all never feel like you have to keep your feelings and thoughts hidden, we understand.
Re work, it's been one of my biggest problems and I have nearly had to give up. In the end I didn't because I thought it would make matters even worse. If I need to take time out though, I will because our mental health matters more than anything else.
Sleep well xx

Hi everyone how are you all today?

I am feeling good today, with my ds in town. I think things around the trauma, might be starting to settle. Not gone, but a shift in my feelings.

Hi all, I'm having a good day today. In anticipation if starting the CBT I have looked through the paperwork from the website and I'm doing the first activity which is to save the worry for another time. This is to learn that worrying is controllable.
I haven't yet decided on when my chosen time will be, but I'm mentally telling the thought that I hear it and I'll listen and worry later, but not now.
I just want to say that my friends who I meet at DD dancing are absolutely fabulous. As soon as I walked in that asked how my week has been and then when we left they wished me a good week. I'm thankful that they genuinely care for me and they wish me well. They listen with non judgement and basically accept me as I am, but the best is that they don't have a rose tinted view of life and realise everyone has theirs individually and we must all try to get through in the best way we can. I don't have to be anything but me.

LoveMySituation - I feel I have no choices in my life and that just makes me feel it's more like my childhood which was abusive in all ways and one in which no one listened to me. That's when dying seems like the only option.