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The lonely journey of anxiety - loosen the tight grip of fear. Support, friendliness thread.

896 replies

Aintgotnosoapbox · 14/07/2017 00:39

Hello. I have been suffering with various forms of anxiety over the last year, and have had the tight grip of fear - at times all pervading and almost existential, at other times just transient and anticipatory, which has led to a lot of feelings of being closed up, strained, and losing connection with others. When this happens I get a certain type of chest sensation which feels like pure fear. Sometimes, I am tired and can't tolerate it. Other times, I feel free and in control of it .
My antidote to all of this is connection, mindfulness, self care and various other techniques I have learned along the journey.
What I have also learned is that anxiety states are very lonely fearful places to be so I would really welcome anyone , whether well emotionally, psychologically, mentally, or unwell emotionally, psychologically or mentally, to come onto the thread when they can with a hello, a message or a moan about their day, and maybe we will feel better and get better together.
I was given a lovely compliment today, that I have very good social skills, and make others feel better and empathise. I'm not perfect, in fact have had the most tremendous struggle recently, but am starting to feel alive again.
Come and join me in a path to wellness and connection. Life is short, let's beat this anxiety together.

OP posts:
velmadinkly · 09/09/2017 19:32

love thanks for the info re Headspace.

I feel much more relieved by the fact I've fully opened up to DH, but that is jyst one hurdle, there are the other worries to get a grip of once and for all.

Aintgotnosoapbox · 09/09/2017 20:02

Random thoughts:

Secrecy, hiding feelings and shame worsens and perpetuates fear.
Being open and getting it out normalises things.
What's the worst that could happen if I accepted I'm an incredibly anxious person and took time off from work - just that.
Accepting the painful event or feeling reduces suffering.
I can still work when I'm anxious, or when I'm tired.
I love life, though I struggle.
Being open about mental health reduces the stigma and increases support.

Love this thread at the minute, thanks everyone

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Cmblue · 09/09/2017 20:03

Wow calm you really have, Jesus you must have gone through some side effect, glad youve found the right one now, Bloody hope I do soon

velmadinkly · 09/09/2017 20:46

aint thank you for starting the thread. It's been my sounding block. When I fully opened up to DH I fully disclosed everything because I thought I've nothing to lose because I'd been totally honest about my feelings towards him and the world didn't stop turning on it's axis, it opened up the opportunity for us to make a start on making things better. His response made me feel intimately more closer to him than I have for a long time.
I thought I couldn't discuss my worries with him, but after talking to my friends and having a cry they made me realise I couldn't keep it from him because it's unfair and it doesn't allow him to try and help if he chose to. As the saying goes, if you keep on doing what you always did, you'll get what you always got.
I'm now hoping that we can move forward and reconnect and have a much more positive relationship. At least it's allowed me to fully disclosed so that he has more chance to understand.

velmadinkly · 09/09/2017 20:47

Ultimately more close, not intimately...

LoveMySituation · 09/09/2017 21:01

Calm, I've been in two minds about whether or not to say this, so please feel free to tell me to shut up. The only reason I know this is my uncle, who died recently, after an awful fall, had been diagnosed with parkinsonism (drug induced version of Parkinson's) He had been on respiradone (and others) most of his life. Apparently it is not uncommon in the use of anti psychotics (and other similar drugs) It's to do with depleting dopamine. I thought you should be aware.

Cmblue · 09/09/2017 21:13

Drug induced Parkinsons is reversible(if treated in time and medication stopped) the problem is if it gets diagonesed as the normal Parkinson and more medication added

LoveMySituation · 09/09/2017 21:21

That wasn't the problem in my uncles case, after fifty years nothing was changeable. But it can be, but most doctors don't know this, or how to tell the difference between them.

calmday · 10/09/2017 09:15

Yeah LoveMySituation, I'm aware of the drug induced Parkinsons stuff, fortunately I've never suffered with those side effects from antipsychotics. Although I know they can develop over long term use. I'm really sorry about your uncle. It is quite scary that they reduce your dopamine levels. I'm gonna stick with the olanzapine tho as it keeps me stable.

Cmblue I hope you find the medication that's right for you. Are you on anything at the moment?

We're getting a full assessment from the social services. They will have to speak to loads of people and really scrutinise us. My partner thinks we're gonna lose the children Sad. I think we'll be fine, I just want it over with really.

I hope everyone is ok today.

velmadinkly · 10/09/2017 09:26

The journey started yesterday with the full disclosure talk, the world is still spinning and we've just laid for a while in bed just allowing me to babble on.

I'm fearful that our trying will not work and DH told me not to think like that. It's my negative mindset which I use to protect me from adversity.

I also realised that I put all the pressure on me to make things good, for example DH hasn't been the happiest either but didn't say anything. He could have said something sooner and we might have already worked through it.
I'm going to contact the psychologist I've been recommended so that I can have some therapy on having a more positive outlook.

Aintgotnosoapbox · 10/09/2017 09:36

Sounds good Velma. Maybe you are protecting yourself from further losses. When we suffer psychological pain too great to be readily assimilated into our consciousness, we use various defence mechanisms to protect ourselves, but over time they weaken and we need to address the underlying issues.

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LoveMySituation · 10/09/2017 09:38

That's awful calm. Those people are like a dog with a bone. I hope they just get on with it quickly.

I was woken up at 7 30 by a low battery 'chirp' , just thought I'd finally stopped it, quiet for ages then started up again!, tempted to put it out for bins for tomorrow, but worried bin men will think it's dodgy!

Aintgotnosoapbox · 10/09/2017 10:00

Sorry to hear that calm: please post for support on here. You are stable back on meds now am sure it will be very much in your favour, all will be fine.

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calmday · 10/09/2017 11:01

Thanks guys. I hope they see that I'm stable on meds now. I've been really up and down over the last few years, coming off and on meds but I'm committed to staying stable now. I don't know when the social services will come back. They've also got to contact my children's school and nursery which is a bit embarrassing. We've also got a "stage 2 meeting" with my son's school which is apparently designed to see if the school can support my son or myself in any way. Not looking forward to that. My son doesn't need any extra support, he is doing really well at school. I have to go along with it all though and just see what happens.

velmadinkly · 10/09/2017 11:20

calm trying times. Just keep reminding yourself you are doing the best you can.

calmday · 10/09/2017 12:09

Thankyou velma x

Aintgotnosoapbox · 10/09/2017 18:57

How is everyone? Hope all resting/ enjoying Sunday ☺️

For the first time for a few days I feel calmer and sort of softer towards myself, and less tense. I just want to be around my family and chill.
I think I made the right decision reducing my work hours. As far as the inner problems go, I feel less intense turmoil and conflict, more as if I'm starting to get to the feelings. I don't know what the next step is, but I instinctively feel as if I'm coming to some sort of crucial time.

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LoveMySituation · 10/09/2017 19:32

That all sounds good Aint. I've had a bad day, set on edge by the CO2 detector low battery this morning, ended up having to break it to shut it up, now I'm worried the same thing will happen to the other two. Made everything so much harder today, and things didn't get done. I'm so tired. Feel so unsafe in the house. And got a period pain that won't go. I can remember a time when I could have coped with all this easily, but this has taken that all away. My son called me a 'fucking bitch' on the phone yesterday, he seems to mostly hate me as I don't get on with my dad, who is cold, callous and cares nothing for me(he's said this) Feel worthless. And so tired of this life

LoveMySituation · 10/09/2017 19:34

And shame, so much shame. Ashamed of myself. Tainted by what I've been forced to go through

Aintgotnosoapbox · 10/09/2017 20:23

Love sorry to hear you are having a bad day. I know all about shame, you are not alone. I'm so sorry about your son, I really am. Children can be very ' black and white' in their reactions. Do you have anyone who can help to smooth the situation over?
Can we help in any way :)

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LoveMySituation · 10/09/2017 20:56

You are all helping, by just being here, listening and not telling me I'm being ridiculous, or some such . I have someone I talk to IRL but she's got her own problems, so I don't want to add more.

My house is at the bottom of the road that my sons school is on, so I find myself often trying to catch a glimpse of him passing. But that makes me feel worse about things. He's so angry, and he won't learn how to deal with it living with my father either. My own mum left me aged 5 to go to uni hundreds of miles away, and I've done the same thing to him, even if I had no choice, so I know how he feels Sad

calmday · 10/09/2017 21:19

LoveMySituation that sounds tough with your son Flowers

My partner and I have decided to separate. I'm going to find somewhere else to live. I'm going to see if an adult social worker from the CMHT can help me to find somewhere to live. I cried earlier at the fact that I'm going to live without my children.

Aintgotnosoapbox · 10/09/2017 21:44

Calm: so sorry to hear this, hope you are coping. Is your partner the father of your DC and staying in the house? Could it happen the other way round?

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LoveMySituation · 10/09/2017 22:12

Calm, I'm sorry to hear that too. Is there no way you can stay with them?Flowers I hope you're ok

calmday · 11/09/2017 11:04

No the only way for us to separate is for my partner to stay with the kids. The social services have forbidden me from being with the children on my own. I went to get an application form for housing from the council this morning and I've phoned the CMHT to see if an adult social worker can help me find somewhere to live. My parents have refused to take me as they're "not willing to be my carer" Confused. So I'm waiting for a call back about the social worker. I'm feeling fine, this has been on the cards for a long time. Thankyou for the kind words.