The lonely journey of anxiety - loosen the tight grip of fear. Support, friendliness thread.

[Aintgotnosoapbox]

Hello. I have been suffering with various forms of anxiety over the last year, and have had the tight grip of fear - at times all pervading and almost existential, at other times just transient and anticipatory, which has led to a lot of feelings of being closed up, strained, and losing connection with others. When this happens I get a certain type of chest sensation which feels like pure fear. Sometimes, I am tired and can't tolerate it. Other times, I feel free and in control of it .
My antidote to all of this is connection, mindfulness, self care and various other techniques I have learned along the journey.
What I have also learned is that anxiety states are very lonely fearful places to be so I would really welcome anyone , whether well emotionally, psychologically, mentally, or unwell emotionally, psychologically or mentally, to come onto the thread when they can with a hello, a message or a moan about their day, and maybe we will feel better and get better together.
I was given a lovely compliment today, that I have very good social skills, and make others feel better and empathise. I'm not perfect, in fact have had the most tremendous struggle recently, but am starting to feel alive again.
Come and join me in a path to wellness and connection. Life is short, let's beat this anxiety together.

My anxiety seems to be just there bubbling inside and then it latches onto a thought (irrational) or situation, the recent and worst one being the I don't love DH. Even when I'm having the constant worries and thoughts I do get the odd glimmer into my real thoughts.

I can worry about work, not that I don't think I'm making a mistake, but that I'll say or do something to upset some one by saying something. I worry about something happening to my Dad, the fact that DD is growing up and I over think her entering puberty and starting her periods. I worry about giving myself genital herpes from my coldsores or that I will infect DD or DH with the virus. I also worry about doing something wrong and being caught when driving, such as speeding or going through a red light etc. Reflecting on and breaking down my worries I realise they are very much related to me not wanting to inconvenience others, or make life difficult for others. The Dad one is because my Mam died suddenly and I have no inkling of why I worry about DD growing up.

I've had another good day, not as good as yesterday because I can feel it bubbling under the surface and the thought keeps popping up, but know I recognise it as a waroed thought, not a true thought because I've seen and felt my true feelings.

My anxiety has reached an all time high, today, My son came home this morning after spending the night at his dad and step mums and out of the blue said... "I thought step mum was rubbing my leg whilst I was asleep I woke up and asked her and she said yes."
I told him she was probably just waking him up gently...
He said " no she said she was lonely after dropping daddy off at work." he then rubbed his thigh and asked him why I don't stroke his leg.
I did ask" shall I ask step mum to stop doing this??" he said no because it felt nice.
I am very touchy feely and cuddly with him, were a very open mum and son, so I don't know why he's brought this up!!!
He's spending the whole weekend with them and my mind has gone into absolute overdrive!
She also told me Wednesday I love your son to death but I think he lies to get a reaction!! Now I think is she saying this to cover herself up, or is my major anxiety taking over!!!

Vella, your list reminds me of all the worries I had a few years back, before something really bad suddenly happened and I de compensated. Please take care of yourself and take as many steps as you can to manage your stress and anxiety now. I remember desperately trying to control events around me so no one would come to harm , above all else.

Velma- sorry my I pad is being a bit rubbish :)

I've got the bubbling sensation again this morning. I read on the WW support app about somebody who came on to say they had regained all their weight due to tough times and the trigger was, 'I now know I can't save my relationship'.

When you think about it, isn't it silly that reading something can set the anxiety off? I'm rationalising what I've read in that I don't know anything about this woman, for all I know her partner might have been having an affair and she can't move in from it or they have been abusive towards them, so of course the decision to leave would be the best option.

Hmm, anxiety is a very strange thing and it's strange how it affects us all differently and to different extents. I'm pleased I had the excellent day the other day to remind me of my true feelings and I keep on telling myself that it will go away at some point and I'm thankful I'm not in full blown panic like I was on holiday. My brain just feels distracted at the moment.

Morning all.
Velma - sorry if you feel I am diagnosing you, I'm not of course. Obsessive thoughts and intrusive fears / thoughts are hard to manage. Take care.

Anxiety has many forms but it is all a response to perceived threat to the self or psyche. Thus the external or internal trigger elicits the stress / adrenaline physiological response.
There is a fear neural pathway in the brain and this is altered after for eg traumatic experience. These days we know there is neuroplasticity ( brain neural pathways and structure can alter in adulthood) which was previously not thought to occur. Hence changing behaviour and thought patterns, meditation helps.

Calm- how are you doing , still good on the olanzapine?

From today I'm going to meditate in a structured way each morning via Headspace - have paid now, there was a special offer on.
Then a mindful walk once a day. Then many mindful moments during the day. I'm going to sort this.
Less time online.

Cal- have registered for the self acceptance summit :)

Hi Aint, I hope you are well. And everyone else on the thread.

I'm still doing well on the olanzapine. I take 10mg at night and 5mg in the morning. The 5mg in the morning was only added a few days ago, I phoned the CMHT to ask if I could have 5mg to take in the morning and to my surprise the lovely psychiatrist phoned me back. He said yes. It has completely stopped my anxiety during the day. It's like a miracle! The only downside is that it's increased my appetite so I think I've put on weight. I haven't stood on the scales because I don't want to know how much I've put on after losing almost a stone. But I've come to the conclusion that it's better to be fat and stable than thin and miserable. I see my CPN on Tuesday so I'll be able to tell her how well I've got on.

Calm- that's brilliant. So glad. Yes olanzapine can cause weight gain by increased appetite which is annoying but if you are aware like you are, from the start it helps maybe. Which reminds me I need to start a healthy eating diet !
I felt such a dip this week am considering medication, but my therapist did warn me I could get grief feelings this week so seems like she is right as usual.

Calm if you don't mind me asking what other medication you've tried before olanzapine?

Morning all.
I've started on the kira St. John's wort now. They taste nicer than the Tesco ones if nothing else!!!
Had the first of a number of shitty days yesterday.
I've also come on today which hasn't help my mood.
But I feel less crap than I expected to so maybe they are starting to work.

aint I always feel so soothed by the sound of waves. I recorded some last time I was at the seaside. Its just so tranquil. It sounds like your lucky enough to be near one?

love it sounds like your situation is hugely complicated. But I can't help thinking if your location is making you sad you should change it. I apologise if that's over simplified it. But your son needs you mentally well, if where you are isn't allowing that you should change it.

Thank you aint what you have said all makes sense, but I don't know if the thought is true and is the trigger or the anxiety is causing the thought.

I just don't know really. I've just had a chat with my friends and I'm feeling calmer and I know i need to talk to DH more clearly about how I feel etc.

Cmblue I've tried lots of meds- fluoxetine, citalopram, sertraline, paroxetine, duloxetine, lofepramine, clomipramine, quetiapine, rispiridone, zuclopenthixol, aripiprazole, diazepam, lorazepam, amisulpride, mirtazapine, venlafaxine, and possibly more that I can't remember!!

velma it's finding the words isn't it. I struggle to type them let alone say them

Vel - don't know, but it sounds like a loop , you unconsciously fear losing him, you have a thought/ fear you don't love him and become panicked which impacts your behaviour as you then feel at risk of losing him / have lost him. It sounds like fear from unresolved losses maybe ❤️

Have done some Headspace meditations😊
Now to challenge those negative thoughts

Feeling low/ out of control Thursday : negative thought was ' I'm not better, I'm losing my mind' . Fact : not true! An emotional response to my difficult day , tiredness, expectations.

Hi everyone
After crying in my friends I've decided to tackle it head on and have 'the talk ' with DH.
I told him that I don't know if the anxiety causes the thought or the thought causes the anxiety. I told him I categorically do not not want to feel like this and that I want to be how we used to be, but I'm afraid that I will try and nothing will change and the one constant I've known for nearly 26 years will have gone. I don't want to be a divorce stastistic and I'm will to try my hardest so that if it does come to the end then I will know I have done everything that I could have.
I asked him how he felt and he said that he wished we talked more and spent time together. I/we have got into the habit of being on the computer/YouTube etc on an evening so we don't talk. So that is the first step and I am going to change my gym classes so that they are straight after work rather than cu
I'm also goi

Afternoon everyone, just thought I'd mention that there is a year free access to Headspace if you are a member of Anxiety UK, you also get reduced cost therapy, think it's £15 if you're on benefits, then goes up depending on income. Cost £30 to join, you get a magazine too

Horris, What does the Kira taste of? I don't like where I am, much but it's not a major problem at the moment. Although there is nothing here, and I feel like I'm wasting this life being here, but until I get to grips with this ocd, I'd be similar anywhere. I'm using the five years till he's grown to get rid of it. And then I can move and never come back

Love that's sounds good.
I joined Headspace with a special offer just googled offers and a code came up. It's so handy at ten minutes a day.

Might join Anxiety UK - wonder how the reduced therapy thing works, do you have to be with their registered therapists?

Sorry, I accidently pressed post.

So that means it won't split the evening up. I'm also going to think of things we can do together, so any suggestions are welcome.

Ultimately, it looks as though we are kind of on the page, so I must look at the positives and work from there. We've just spent 2 hours talking and I feel immensely better and more connected with him than I have in a long time.
I must try and in print this emotion into my head so that I know we can achieve and I can feel a connection with him.
I'm hoping this is the turning point and I have promised him that I will keep on telling him how I'm feeling and he will do the same.

Yes Velma, they have approved therapists all around the country, you book it via Anxiety UK, and send proof if you're going for the reduced rate, and they aim for an appointment in about a week.

Sorry, that was to Ain't!

Love - just joined. There aren't any therapists near me, but I could travel to one possible one for clinical hypnotherapy.
Looks like a good site, lots of resources and it's just nice to have support from any source. It's becoming a longer journey than I had thought and I need to help myself.

You must live near me Aint I have the same problem, and I don't drive. It's like they think only people who are in or near cities need help..

I'm glad you've found some more support though, you can never have too much. There's a support group in my town, but it's such a small and gossipy town, I wouldn't feel able to go