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Original poster

She will take my place in their hearts

65 replies

WingsofNylon · 20/06/2017 19:36

My niece was born today. All I can think about is killing myslef. I've wanted to for a while and the only reason I'm here is because of my husband, siblings and parents. I'm duty bound not to hurt them so i troop on but I'm sick of living for everyone else. If I died today they would hurt for a bit then they would heal. My niece would fill the space in their hearts and they would move on.

OP posts:
GothyGeisha · 20/06/2017 19:40

I'm here for a hand to hold and a listening ear until someone more qualified to help comes along.

What is making you feel this way?

GothyGeisha · 20/06/2017 19:42

08457 90 90 90 Samaritans, please call them x

RaymondinaReddington · 20/06/2017 19:53

Please speak to someone in real life. Sometimes things seem just overwhelming but if you seek help things may seem different.

ZaZathecat · 20/06/2017 19:53

They wouldn't heal Wings, one new human does not replace another. Speak to someone (Samaritans as above), see your doctor URGENTLY, people can help you feel better.

KMoKMo · 20/06/2017 19:55

What everyone else said. You'll never be replaced.
I thought gaining a daughter would heal the hole my sister left. It doesn't work like that. If anything having my daughter hurts more because she is so like my sister.
Please talk to someone. We are here to listen xx

NellieFiveBellies · 20/06/2017 19:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

rightwhine · 20/06/2017 19:56

No one can replace a loved one. But you do need to live for yourself too. Please ring the Samaritans as advised by previous pp's.

Thanks
Eggandchipsfortea93 · 20/06/2017 19:57

Her birth would be overshadowed by the tragedy of your leaving them OP, they'd always see her with a sort of sadness. Please don't do it, not just to them, but for yourself too. Please hang on to hope that you can feel better, and enjoy life, even if you can't see how right now.

MNHQ
IonaMumsnet · 20/06/2017 19:59

Hello Wings, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website, or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

We are going to move this thread to the Mental Health section shortly.

Original poster
WingsofNylon · 20/06/2017 20:10

Thank you for replying. I've been trying all day to find the words to tell someone but nothing happens. My husband is so upset with other things right now and the rest of my family is enjoying the news of the new baby.

I ache for it all to be over. I just fundamentally disagree that it will ever get better enough for me to not hurt any more. The mental scars are too deep. Even my moments of happiness aren't real. I've been trying to fake it in the hope it would start to feel real but it doesn't.

I tried Samaritans but I just hang up because I don't have the words.

I'll read the resource linked - thank you.

OP posts:
Jellybean85 · 20/06/2017 20:15

Keep talking on here, we won't hang up. We're here to listen Flowers

GlitterGlue · 20/06/2017 20:16

I was just coming to suggest that you email the samaritans if you can't find the words, but I see mumsnet has already posted. Please do contact them, you could just copy and paste your post if you're not sure what to say.

And please talk to your husband. I'm sure he'll want to do whatever he can to help you.

anotherdayanothersquabble · 20/06/2017 20:22

If you can't speak to your husband, send him a text...

Nothing will replace you.. you are supposed to be here and be part of your family.... your family is a circle that is complete with you in it.... even if you are wobbling, you stand because they are there and they stand because you are there... cling on and let them know you are hurting... allow them to squeeze your hands and stand beside you...

Original poster
WingsofNylon · 20/06/2017 20:30

But I don't belong here. I'm always out of place.

OP posts:
Greaterthanthesumoftheparts · 20/06/2017 20:37

We all belong, we all have roles. You're a wife, a sister, an aunt, a daughter, probably also a sister in law, a daughter in law. You will be valuable in some or all of those roles. You're a mumsnet poster, I haven't advanced searched your history but you may have helped others in the past. You may not know your impact on others but you will have made an impact on many, and have a opportunity to have a great relationship with your niece.

ZaZathecat · 20/06/2017 20:40

Your family would not agree, I'm sure. Have things happened to make you feel this way?

overduemamma · 20/06/2017 20:42

I think my sister often felt like you that she didn't belong... unfortunately now she has passed away and it couldn't hurt anymore. Although people may no show love and affection we still want them here. Think of the people you'd leave behind. Please talk to someone or keep chatting to us on here. Big hugs! X

Original poster
WingsofNylon · 20/06/2017 20:46

I doubt I add much to people's lives. Greater, I'm not worthy of any of thoes roles. They are for someone else.

OP posts:
Original poster
WingsofNylon · 20/06/2017 20:46

I'm going to have a cold shower to try to calm down. Thank you all for talking to me though.

OP posts:
SingaSong12 · 20/06/2017 20:49

Hello Wings
Well done on reaching out - it takes a huge amount of courage to do that. Please keep posting.

If you want to call the helpline don't worry about ringing off on the Samaritans, it happens a lot so the people answering will understand and maybe one time you will want to stay on the line and speak. The number is now 116123.

if you have particular things that have you have experienced such as violence the NHS have a different list of helplines. There is an overlap with MN resources, but lower down the page are links to support for issues such as experience of violence or bereavement. there are parts of MN with people who have a wide range of experience.

www.nhs.uk/Conditions/stress-anxiety-depression/Pages/mental-health-helplines.aspx

I have had some of the thoughts you described in your initial post, I'm sorry this is so painful. I have posted on here in the past and felt less alone (sometimes under a different username).
Best wishes Flowers
Ps would you like a virtual hug or rather not?

SingaSong12 · 20/06/2017 20:53

Posted before your update, hope the shower helps.

Original poster
WingsofNylon · 20/06/2017 21:09

I'm up for virtual hugs, thank you. I feel a bit better after crying in the shower. I know I need to get real life help at some point.

KMo and Overdue don't you get some solace in knowing your sister isn't in pain anymore though? surely my family don't want me to suffer?

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 20/06/2017 21:13

KMo and Overdue don't you get some solace in knowing your sister isn't in pain anymore though? surely my family don't want me to suffer?

I lost a friend to suicide and I don't take any comfort from knowing she isn't suffering. I just really miss her and wish she'd persevered with the treatment for her depression. No one will ever take her place and I just wish she'd reached out for the help that is out there.

SingaSong12 · 20/06/2017 21:15

(((((((Wings))))))
🤗
(I don't understand the unMN hug thing so I just hug)

Original poster
WingsofNylon · 20/06/2017 21:24

Purple thank you for sharing that.

Singa that made me cry again. I have this belief that in real life people who aren't my family don't like to touch or hug or stand too close to me because I'm disgusting. I think my family see it too but ignore how gross I am because they love me.

OP posts: