She will take my place in their hearts

[WingsofNylon]

My niece was born today. All I can think about is killing myslef. I've wanted to for a while and the only reason I'm here is because of my husband, siblings and parents. I'm duty bound not to hurt them so i troop on but I'm sick of living for everyone else. If I died today they would hurt for a bit then they would heal. My niece would fill the space in their hearts and they would move on.

I am sure you are not disgusting and gross. Please get some real life help to cope with your feelings. X hug x

Wings; I know it feels horrible right now but you'll get through it. You have to keep going. Life is cyclical, for a time it's shitter that shit and then it changes and you're glad you stuck around. One day you'll be looking back on this time and feel glad that you kept going. All the awfulness you feel now will make the good feel better when it happens. It will.

Please see your doctor. There is help there.

I feel much calmer now. I think I'm going to get to talk to dh.

You wouldn't hesitate to seek medical help for a broken leg. Just because nobody can see you hurting, doesn't mean that you shouldn't get help. Depression is a chemical imbalance that can be helped by drugs. Therapy helps for depression and other mental health issues. Isn't seeing the doctor worth a try?

I would absolutely hate to think that my family and friends were hurting like you are, but couldn't talk to me. Give them a chance.

Wrapping you in ❤️ love, strength and Friendship.
I'm here to listening and offer support but please speak to your DH, a family member, your GP for face to face advice and support.

It doesn't have to feel this way

Keep talking x

Hi OP, hope you are feeling better today. Did you manage to speak to OH?

Thank you all. I woke up my husband but couldn't get the words out so eventually I have him the thread to read while I hid under the sheet.

We both took today off work and I've been to see my GP. I've agreed to trying a new medication and later today we are going to look into therapists. Still very tearful and low but I see that talking to someone was the right thing to do.

This morning I saw the first photo of my niece and she is just wonderful to look at.

Thank you for all your support and hugs.

I can't just read and run Wings. I'm glad you have talked to your dh and are getting help.

That's a big step forward OP, well done xx

Hope the new medication improves your health.

That's a huge step forwards op your Dh sounds very supportive xx

Wings, im sending any strength I have to you. It breaks my heart reading this. You have a husband and a niece and family who no doubt love you, even if you find it hard to accept that.
I know you said you don't want to suffer, but imagine how much they will suffer without you, thinking they didn't do enough to help you.. it will stay with them.

I hope you get the help you need xxx

Oh well done you. That was a big and brave step and I really hope things get better from this point forward.

Just want to add another voice to offer support and love. You seem like a lovely, helpful, kind, sensitive and worthy person. Please see GP- that's one step done then! You have lots of support and I know it feels like you will never ever feel any relief or release but you will I swear. Loads of love and hugs and support from me here xxxxxxxxxx

I'm so glad you've shown your husband this and that you've been to talk to your GP! Hugs!! X

So happy to hear that. Best of luck.

I'm so glad you are on the right path. How long did the doctor say it would take before the medication started to take effect?

Keep talking in the meantime.

Don't know if this will work - have never posted an image before! The image isn't mine - apparently it was taken from a therapist's office, so I can't credit the original creator. I have found it extremely helpful though.

Day three of the ssri medication. No significant side effects. Just some mild yawning this afternoon. No expecting any positive effects yet. Will be a few weeks yet.

I'm trying to take small steps with self care. I've never been very good at it. I bought some hair the that I've been covering for a while but always thought I wasn't pretty enough to do anything bold with my hair. But damn it im going to go for it!!!

Areyoufree you made me feel like a warrior!

overdue I'm sorry. I shouldn't have asked such a personal question about your sister.

I'm trying to come up with stirring songs to make me feel strong. Any ideas?

You are good enough and pretty enough to do anything you want. Of course you are.

Just remember that you are not better than anyone else but also more importantly, that you are no worse than anybody else. People might have different strengths and weaknesses but we all DESERVE the same respect and happiness, no matter what our circumstances.

Keep doing tiny baby steps to build your self esteem. Everybody is as important as everyone else. Don't forget it.

Well done for the steps you are taking to look after yourself. It's not easy, but it will be worth it, I promise. Keep talking, and keep taking little steps forwards. You are worth so much more than you realise and deserve to be happy and to feel loved (as I am sure you are by your family, even if you can't see it at the moment). Sending love and a hand to hold.

I can assure you my niece and nephews would never "make up" for losing my sister or brother
It doesnt work like that...one in, one out.
Please get some help x

Oh! I see you have started meds...well done! X

I hope you start to feel better soon. Change your hair.. why not lol. I change mine all the time! It's ok I don't mind speaking about my sister :) x