She will take my place in their hearts

[WingsofNylon]

My niece was born today. All I can think about is killing myslef. I've wanted to for a while and the only reason I'm here is because of my husband, siblings and parents. I'm duty bound not to hurt them so i troop on but I'm sick of living for everyone else. If I died today they would hurt for a bit then they would heal. My niece would fill the space in their hearts and they would move on.

Good to see you've made a start on the meds. Keep up the good work and if you're wobbling keep posting and we'll prop you up. As Mrsmartell said, if I lost my DB, nieces and nephews would never make up for it.

Day 5 - still no side effects which is fab. Trying to keep life simple and not be mean to myself. It isnt easy though, yesterday I did make dh come with me to buy putting as I was convinced that if I bought it alone the cashier would judge me. He is wonderful.

I keep singing ' just keep swimming'.

Overdue i did colour my hair but didn't put enough in so need to top it up this evening. If it turns out okay I'll post a pic.

Which ssri are you on? I found they helped much more quickly than predicted.

I have suffered with MH problems all my adult life and there have been many, many times that I truly believed that suicide was the only way to end the bouts of the torture of being alive and hating myself so much. But thankfully I have worked through every horrendous bout and I'm still here. I have good days, wonderful days, bad days and hellish days, its not always easy to endure it. I have had two people, whom I loved dearly, commit suicide and the gap that they left has never been filled because they were unique, not amazing but nobody else can ever be them and I wish dearly that they were still here. I hurt too because I feel that I should have done something to have stopped their suicides although I know there was nothing I could have done. Please get help. When these wretched lies, that everyone else would be ok without you, come into your head, fight back and know in your heart that you are you and your precious life is worth fighting for.

where I'm taking Prozac. I used to have citalopram when I suffered bad anxiety and it was pretty effective. Not a cure by any means but a tool to help me be level enough to cope. So,im hopeful with these.

I also contacted two local therapists. Maybe I already said that? Will see who I feel most comfortable with.

heyday thank you for sharing that with me. Your description is very accurate to how I feel. I have never considered that these thoughts were lies, it is helpfully I see it that way.

I did something today and i think it was the first time in a very long time - possibly first ever time that I felt proud of myself. I know it sounds daft but I have always written off the few achievements I have but not today.

A long long time ago. Someone have me a link to a sort of self care activity site. But that is all I remember. Does anyone know what I am on about?

Being proud of yourself sounds like a wonderful start. Well done - I'm proud of you too now!

I'm on sertraline and have been on and off for years. It just makes my base level high enough to cope. Amazing things, tablets.

Just bumping in case someone care refer you to that self care activity site you mentioned.

Having a bit of a wobble this evening. It took a lot not to leave work today to just come home and hide under the covers. Thoughts are just quite dark. going to have a nice shower and head to get early.

Op, just here to add my support. Had MH problems for some time and am managing it with meds and have had therapy in the past. Keep persevering, you're worth it x.

Hope you have managed to nod off OP. Things will hopefully look brighter in the morning x

Although my thoughts arwnt so dark I have found it VERY hard to concentrate and hold things together at work and today I finally spoke to my boss who has suggested a week off. I felt such a weight was lifted when I told her so that's good. A bit worried about rattling around the house for a week but I cannot keep pretending to be okay.

Could you join a dog walking scheme when you feel up to it? A reason to get out the house and someone non judgmental to chat to en route.
Nothing beats a furry hug when you can't face another person. ...

How about some light reading ? I can recommend the shopaholic series if you feel up to it. I read them throughout cancer diagnosis and they were light enough to enjoy but not get bogged down in if I couldn't concentrate.

I hope the time off helps. When you're feeling up to it you could look at something like a local recovery college - they're short courses (sometimes just a few hours) and aimed primarily at people with mental health issues. They do things like mindfulness, art, self care etc. Possibly something that might be useful at some point.