DH ignoring my breakdown

[Haywirefire]

I don't know what to do or who to turn to. My DH has been ignoring the fact that I'm currently finding life impossible to cope with. I have a full time job, a long commute and three small kids. He works shifts at weekends so I do all the childcare then. My job is very stressful and on top of all of this I've got anemia. I'm exhausted and I'm getting to the point that I can't cope. I'm constantly anxious, I have insomnia and zero patience with anyone. I keep trying to start conversations with him telling him that I'm not coping with my anxiety or that I can't cope with the kids and he just changes the subject. Or worse he wades in with 'yeah I'm tired too'. I feel like I really don't matter to him. I would love to leave him, but im trapped by a massive mortgage and I wouldn't want to put the kids through a divorce. There are days where I feel like taking my own life is the only way out. I'm currently having counselling but all it is doing is highlighting to me that I have very few options, which is just making me feel more despondent. What can I do?

But you're just describing the normal tasks most of us have to do as parents.

You're describing being unable to cope with normal life, which is why it would be sensible to seek medical help.

Adults are not oblivious either and you may find people are not surprised you are really struggling.

Maybe it is a carer I need then! Either way I don't think me and my husband should stay together.

Of course your friends don't expect you to be perky. Tell them the truth?

People will understand all this stuff but equally shouting and breaking things and suicidal ideation are not the appropriate solutions to your problems so yes people will judge you negatively for choosing those things to cope - they are maladaptive coping mechanisms.

If normal parents are all doing this, tell me what the trick is? Are you all out of the house 12 hours a day, eating your breakfast and tea on the train and doing laundry at midnight everyday?

If you're sure of that, That's something to work towards then, separating. You can get information, work out what sort of housing and job you'd be able to get, prepare to get legal advice. Detach from him.

Why isn't he doing a share of the domestic and child related admin?

Stop organising non essential stuff like gifts for his family, as a start!

I am, haywire, and the commute and job are very bad indeed for MH!

People need careers when they can't do things for themselves. You just want a carer which is understandable but not a solution. You need to get yourself well again to cope with normal life. Through a combination of reducing stressors and accepting help that is likely to benefit you.

In his words 'they can do without it'.
He sees it as me trying to be the perfect mummy. Yes it is perfection to buy a card and present for a child who's party you're attending.

Did you have a day off today?

Oh fuck well if you are all juggling 12 hour days and still coming out on top there is definitely something wrong with me.

Are you all out of the house 12 hours a day, eating your breakfast and tea on the train and doing laundry at midnight everyday

But you have a choice about that don't you? A number of choices in fact - being signed off, asking for help from work, even quitting your job...

You are choosing that because you feel working is better than not working but you need to also acknowledge that the consequences of choosing that (as well as having a lack of support because you are choosing to cover up your husband's lack of support and his lack of support itself) are that that is how your life is.

I was supposed to be working from home, but I've got fuck all done. So I'm even more behind. I've dumped the kids on my husband.

I do laundry at midnight! Not very healthy but I don't have time for breakfast and often skip lunch or eat something quick at my desk. I know loads of working parents who have to cope with all of the normal kid stuff and also have sick parents, money problems, etc to factor in.

I know that doesn't make your situation any easier (and I've felt sorry for myself and v negative over the years too), but lots of people cope with this stuff every day just like you. It's much harder when you're not feeling very resilient though.

If you think it's your relationship making you unhappy, then address that if you think that's best.

And honestly what life do you think LP who work full time have? It sounds like that is essentially what you are...

And yes, it is shit and yes you don't really see any benefit financially and yes if you reduce hours it is worse for money and yes if you quit or don't work you are trapped in drudgery and isolation... but those are the choices you have for a relatively short period of time and you NEED to choose the one that is going to make you best able to cope/happier.

Do you mind me asking how life was before you had three? I struggle with one, I know how challenging it all feels but at some point you must have made these choices?

I don't think the OP is asking for her DH to cure her, but imo in a good relationship you hear each other. Wanting to know someone is there for you so you can rest now and again, hold your hand at Doctors and support you isn't wrong of the op. As others have used the broken leg anology, wouldn't a decent DH help out more and try resolve life pressures etc whilst his Wife recovered from the broken leg? So why is everyone acting like the op wanting support is damaging to her relationship or family life. Seriously!

As for meds, they might be an option OP but i tried them and they made me worse. You could do great on them, but they weren't for me. Shame on all those criticising the op, meds help some, not all. There are so many therapies and even nutritional approaches that help many. I went down the route of mindfulness, self help CBT and nutritional balance. Made the world of difference. I do agree with PP about seeing your GP, even if it's to check your bloods. Not all GPs push meds, some recommend more sleep, exercise, mine even pointed me in the direction of an online CBT called mood gym which was a great start in changing my thinking. You have way too much on your plate op, and anemia aswell. That made me feel like death, physically and emotionally.

'My insomnia is often waking around 3am and then not being able to go back to sleep. Once I'm awake I start thinking of the impossible list of things I have to do that day and start thinking I should just get up and get on with them. I also have night terrors which wake me and then I can't sleep again.'

I suffered these so I sympathise but like other posters have said only you can change things. Go to your GP or find another one who is more sympathetic; get signed off from work to get some rest; take some meds (yes I hear you - you don't want to take them - neither do i but they stop me from wanting to kill myself); talk to someone close IRL - your marriage is far from perfect so stop trying to pretend to everyone that it is -

Sorry to sound harsh but many of us here have been in circumstances where we have nowhere to turn and found that we have to take the first step ourselves - therapy is often sh1t for a while before you begin to feel better but talking things out with a stranger does have benefits that you can't appreciate at first. Please don't give up.

I clearly have nothing to moan about then, if everyone else is making the magic happen. I'm obviously a wimp. Perhaps that's what my husband is thinking, wondering why I'm struggling to cope when everyone else is. It's likely to be what the GP will say. Worse things happen at sea and all that, just be grateful you're not a single parent.

Anyone who goes to see the GP re what the OP has described absolutely should be offered medicine of some kind IMO. It would be negligent not to offer or suggest it. Someone as low as the OP may not even be able to engage with therapy without medication as she herself seems to have implied. Medication shouldn't be a long term solution nor should it be the only solution but I do think for most people who feel as the op describes the best option is medication while waiting for therapy with therapy beginning as the medication starts to have an effect and a holistic look at reducing stresses and lifestyle factors when feeling well enough to tackle it.

I can't believe you'd consider divorce but not medication.

Yes there are issues if you feel you are shouldering the burden of all the family responsibilities by yourself and want him to help more, but that's very different from expecting him to fix your mental state, especially when you're not even willing to go to the GP.

Maybe if you take action to help yourself, you'll be in a better position to ask him for more practical support.

I'm not saying don't moan - being a working parent of three kids is hard and it can be utter shit. I do it, but I don't want to top myself, which is why it sounds like you need help.

If you don't want to try drugs, there's a book called 'Attitude is Everything' by Jeff Keller which really helped me get through the tough times and helped to lift me out of feeling that everything was out of my control.

And for the record, I thank my lucky stars every day that I'm a single parent as my life was absolute hell when I was married to the kids' dad - I now have control of my life and am free.

Nobody here is saying you are a wimp. It's very clear that you are too unwell to cope.