DH ignoring my breakdown

[Haywirefire]

I don't know what to do or who to turn to. My DH has been ignoring the fact that I'm currently finding life impossible to cope with. I have a full time job, a long commute and three small kids. He works shifts at weekends so I do all the childcare then. My job is very stressful and on top of all of this I've got anemia. I'm exhausted and I'm getting to the point that I can't cope. I'm constantly anxious, I have insomnia and zero patience with anyone. I keep trying to start conversations with him telling him that I'm not coping with my anxiety or that I can't cope with the kids and he just changes the subject. Or worse he wades in with 'yeah I'm tired too'. I feel like I really don't matter to him. I would love to leave him, but im trapped by a massive mortgage and I wouldn't want to put the kids through a divorce. There are days where I feel like taking my own life is the only way out. I'm currently having counselling but all it is doing is highlighting to me that I have very few options, which is just making me feel more despondent. What can I do?

If you developed pneumonia, you'd take antibiotics, right? If you developed diabetes, you'd take insulin, yes?

Posters on here are giving you sound advice, but you're shunning it.

What exactly is it that you want people/your OH to do? You have to help yourself.

Sympathy alone won't cut it. You need to find a way to feel better or you will all suffer. The GP is your first port of call. Why can't you see that? What else are you hoping for?

Is there more to your relationship breakdown than stress, mutual knackeredness and lack of appreciation?

You've given a few hints that your husband doesn't treat you well, can you say any more about his behaviour? How recently have things gone downhill?

What if there are further her blood tests they can do which could rule out any physiological reasons? What if there different types of therapy you haven't tried? What if they are able to discuss and address your concerns about AD's?
Your mind set is quite fixed (entirely understandable) but your thoughts and feelings aren't facts and I think they are holding you back from exploring your options.

You could have a vitamin deficiency, an undersctive thyroid, all sorts of things that make it hard to feel well.
You also have a really challenging life. Have you tried writing DP a letter, tell him you need cover for a GP appointment, and that he needs to take his annual leave at a time he can help cover the children's holidays?

What you need from your husband in terms of caring about your breakdown is for him to understand that the current sharing out of responsibilities is not fair and he is overburdening you.

But he isn't going to care or understand that and change his behaviour is he? Because he could have made sure it was fair long before now.

So.... you HAVE to do something other than expecting him to change into a different person or you will continue being the one who suffers.

GPs don't discuss concerns about anti depressants. They are there to pump 'em out, keep the pharma companies happy and get on to the next patient. They are a one size fits none answer to a modern malaise. If they work for you then that's great, but I'm not interested. Almost every post on here has told me to take tablets. No one is listening to me, on here or IRL. If anti depressants didn't exist, what would you say to me?

Go see Your GP... Please... Discuss your concerns regarding Anti-D's... Discuss everything... He/She.. wont force you to take them..But this is something which is a start at least...

Anti depressants do exist though and thank fuck.

I share some of your concerns re big pharma and anti depressants being given to (particularly) women as a supposed solve all but not all god are the same, not all medications are anti depressants, not all antidepressants are SSRI's and they still have a pharmacological value despite all the above.

And of course GPs listen and they often come up with solutions. Mine chased up the crisis team for me because he was worried and called me after he finished his surgery to check they had contacted me, made a referral to RASA once, discussed the pitfalls and benefits of various meds and therapeutic approaches, the difficulties with psychiatry and psychological services and gave me a weekly appointment to just talk to him. He would also have signed me off work if I had been in work.

If a GP simply shoves anti depressants at you and tells you to go away then you need to see a different one.

If anti depressants didn't exist, what would you say to me?

What do you want us to say? Yeah it's your husband's fault you're suicidal and you're behaving totally rationally? That would be lying.

hey are there to pump 'em out, keep the pharma companies happy and get on to the next patient. They are a one size fits none answer to a modern malaise.

They save lives. A lot of people who take them used to be in your position and they got themselves out by swallowing their pride and giving pills a try. You can keep doing what you're doing and resisting any change but ultimately you're choosing to stay like this.

I think the more I reflect on this, I can see that I'm in a relationship with the wrong person. I need someone who cares about me and can support me through the tough times. He needs someone who is straight as a dye and will never need emotional support. Someone who won't make any demands on him and will allow him to take up all the space in the relationship.
I think I need to start talking to a divorce lawyer rather than the GP.

The only part of that I disagree with is the part about needing someone else to take care of you. No, you need to take care of yourself and when you are competent at that then is the time to think about another relationship.

Don't go for divorce lawyer instead of the gp. See both. You're clearly in a bad place and you'll be surprised how much a good GP can help you.

Please seek real life help. You don't have to feel like this.

Sorry, that reads badly.

It's absolutely sensible to think about whether you're happy in your relationship or not but the key thing you need to address is the way you're feeling at the moment.

Why is it wrong to want someone to take care of your emotional needs? Have I understood relationships wrongly all my life?

I think a divorce lawyer sounds like a good plan. Was a kind and supportive in the past? Obviously you've chosen him as the father of your three children.

Nobody can force tablets on you, but I don't remotely recognise your portrayal of doctors. When I was depressed/ suicidal they were absolutely brilliant. Kind, listening, open minded.

Is there anyone at all you can confide in, a friend or family member?

Nobody can take care of all your emotional needs.

You said yourself: "When I feel this desperate and in the grip of anxiety (sweating, shaking, shouting, often breaking things) I cannot rationally say to him ' I need you to do x'. I think it's unfair to suggest that."

So you want him to somehow know what you need, to give it to you, when you are shouting and breaking things in a house where your own kids live.

And you are refusing to go to the GP for any help.

I can see why he has given up. You are not being fair. And you are blaming all of this on him when you don't come across as being very well.

And the way I'm feeling at the moment is badly let down by my husband. He wants me to carry on as if I'm not stressed and anxious and I can't do that anymore.

So, one second you're not sick but just trapped in a bad relationship, and the next you're ill with anxiety and your husband is being insensitive by not supporting you. Do you see how these contradict each other?

Op I keep reading and honestly this is exactly how I felt about my dh during my breakdown, we separated and it wasn't pretty. I went out all the time looking for something I thought I wanted and it was awful, I'm lucky enough that once I got some help we were able to make things work again.

I know that it seems like the best option just now but a divorce lawyer is a big step. And also even though you think your kids aren't aware you're wrong. I thought that about my two and now they have serious attachment issues.

Please talk this out with the gp. I know what you mean about the talking therapy and then having to put on a smiley face that's how I've lived my entire life but you really need to fix you before you break everyone else. Believe me this is from experience

I have anxiety and choose not to take the meds, but that decision has its downsides.

If at times you've felt suicidal and counselling hasn't helped, it might be time to try the meds!

Commuting and WoH FT in a stressful job takes its toll too.

MNetters are not, in general, AD pushers!

Your relationship might be a big factor in your MH issue, but there's a lot of other stuff going on here too.

Any prospect of your DH changing his work pattern to be around at least one weekend day? Or organising some childcare ad hoc at weekends?

Because you are wanting someone to fix you. You are therefore already pitching for a carer rather than an equal partner and what you will end up with is a shit load of abusive men flocking to you promising the earth to reel you in before they destroy you even more.

There isn't anyone, friend or family, I can talk to. They all think we are the perfect couple. And by the sounds of things they would all side with him anyway, on account of me being some sort of unbearable harpy. I should divorce him, set him free of having to put with with such a shit wife who had the temerity to not be able to cope with a full time job, 3 hours commuting a day, 3 kids, running a house, planning all the school holidays, birthday parties, play dates, dinner parties, dentist appointments, hair cuts, new shoes, Reading the gas and electricity meters, switching the home insurance etc etc and be perky and bright and never moan.

I'm sorry you're having a tough time, OP, but it does sound like you're expecting someone else to pick up the pieces for you.

If you think that your mental wellbeing is someone else's responsibility and that's what a relationship gives you, then I think you have misunderstood relationships, yes.

It's great to have someone to lean on in the tough times, but it sounds like you're expecting too much from your DH. Until you take responsibility for yourself and your own wellbeing, I suspect you're going to continue to feel let down in relationships.

Are you avoiding leaving him as you don't want to be the bad guy? Because killing yourself is a lot worse than divorce on kids. My friends husband just killed himself and it has devastated his family and three young kids. If relief will be gained by leaving, do it. Action must be taken, whether it is taking pills, changing childcare, changing job or selling the house or leaving your husband.

No, what you should do is start explaining to those people who love you what your real life is like instead of covering up his faults and your stress.

You should get some support from health services to get yourself strong enough to cope with this and to show you are responsible.

If you keep on talking in this way and covering up for him and refusing help then yes of course no-one will take you seriously and everyone may side with him because you don't make sense and are acting out with shouting and breaking things rather than getting help.