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Original poster

DH ignoring my breakdown

433 replies

Haywirefire · 31/03/2017 09:34

I don't know what to do or who to turn to. My DH has been ignoring the fact that I'm currently finding life impossible to cope with. I have a full time job, a long commute and three small kids. He works shifts at weekends so I do all the childcare then. My job is very stressful and on top of all of this I've got anemia. I'm exhausted and I'm getting to the point that I can't cope. I'm constantly anxious, I have insomnia and zero patience with anyone. I keep trying to start conversations with him telling him that I'm not coping with my anxiety or that I can't cope with the kids and he just changes the subject. Or worse he wades in with 'yeah I'm tired too'. I feel like I really don't matter to him. I would love to leave him, but im trapped by a massive mortgage and I wouldn't want to put the kids through a divorce. There are days where I feel like taking my own life is the only way out. I'm currently having counselling but all it is doing is highlighting to me that I have very few options, which is just making me feel more despondent. What can I do?

OP posts:
pensillll · 01/04/2017 09:43

Leave!

BantyCustards · 01/04/2017 09:50

And I am now firmly in LTB territory.

What an utter cunt. This man is despicable, manipulative, abusive.

He is emotionally dangerous - I had almost exactly the same stuff with my Ex.

Leave. Don't allow yourself the time to end up breaking down and thus giving him more ammunition.

Call Women's Aid, tell them everything and get them to help you make a plan.

FGS DO NOT tell him you're going.

JaneEyre70 · 01/04/2017 09:51

OP that's truly appalling of him. There is no excuse for behaving like that. Ever.

BantyCustards · 01/04/2017 09:52

As for insomnia - I've tried most of the medication out there and it's hit and miss but what did work for me is Night Nurse.

Get some decent sleep - you need to do every single thing you can to protect your mental and physical health because this bastard is draining your batteries faster than a faulty alternator.

BantyCustards · 01/04/2017 10:02

Oh, one more thing

I KNOW you don't want to consider medication but don't completely discount it.

After my 'going bang' episode I went to the GP, went on mess, felt a lot better after a week, was stronge, began to respond to the ex's shit in a controlled fashion - that caused him to lose control and was the catalyst to my escape and road to wellness and happiness.

I'm not completely there yet - he put me through a year of hell in court - but life is a bloody damned sight better than it was.

If I hadn't taken those antidepressants I'd still be focusing on the trees instead of seeing that I was stuck in the depths of a deep, dark wood.

AyeAmarok · 01/04/2017 10:03

Regardless of your depression and anxiety, it sounds like you and your husband are not a good match.

Tricia1234 · 01/04/2017 10:03

Hi there, I'm sorry I haven't read all your posts, but the first ones I saw rang a bell with me. I wondered why my husband seemed oblivious following some really really difficult things that happened. We went to counselling and, to cut a very long story short, turns out he has mild Aspergers and can have a blind spot over empathy. It's a really tough one to describe and understand as, on the surface, things seem fine. There are some good books and forums that helped, though sadly we're divorcing. Wishing you all the best through a clearly tough time xxx

Original poster
Haywirefire · 01/04/2017 10:08

I'm just so shocked that my husband has said this to our kids. That's real head fuck territory for them. I don't know how I can mend it. If I do divorce him now it will be the evidence for them for what he's promised. My poor kids. Sad

OP posts:
OnceMoreIntoTheBleach · 01/04/2017 10:09

Haywire it's no wonder you are feeling low. Clearly he's not right for you. I hope you can be kind to yourself and find the strength to do whatever you need to do.

Original poster
Haywirefire · 01/04/2017 10:10

When I asked him why he did it, he said 'well it's the truth so they need to get used it'.

OP posts:
Dementedswan · 01/04/2017 10:14

Has he pulled this kind of shit before?

You need to send a clear message to your kids that this is not ok. If I was you I'd be asking him to leave but I appreciate you may not be up for that right now.

How old are your dc?

Falafelings · 01/04/2017 10:15

Did you correct him?

Falafelings · 01/04/2017 10:15

The plus side of separating is that you could do shared care and get some down time

BantyCustards · 01/04/2017 10:21

You realise what he did is a form of control, don't you? He's using the children to keep you in the FOG - he has seen a chink of him losing the life he has, in exactly the way he wants it, so now he's pulling out the big guns.

To be honest I don't think this thread should stay in mental health (yes, it is an issue, you do sound unwell OP and that is NOT an indictment on you - you are unwell because every single reserve you have is being drained)

This thread should be in relationships where there people like AF will see through this bollocks.

rainbowstardrops · 01/04/2017 10:29

Your situation sounds shit OP and I'm not surprised you're feeling trapped.

Your latest updates certainly make your H sound like a heartless prick that's for sure. I'd have put him straight there and then and told him he was causing the situation! Or at least contributing to it.

I have no idea of your rl support but if you are going to separate then I honestly think you need to confide in family and friends. They probably have no idea that you're struggling like this. You will need support. Fact.

I know you don't like this idea but I really would suggest going to a GP. There are other avenues to explore other than pills. Even if they're offered you can decline them. At least go and get it all off your chest to a rl person. Good luck Flowers

Original poster
Haywirefire · 01/04/2017 10:30

My kids are primary school age.

He's just sent me a text to say he's leaving me (getting to the jump first). Problem solved.

OP posts:
GoldenOrb · 01/04/2017 10:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Haywirefire · 01/04/2017 10:33

I did start the thread in relationships but the admin moved it to mental health when the discussion started focussing on my need for anti depressants and how hard it must be for my husband to support me. Now everyone has realised it's my husband's behaviour that's causing all the problems, I agree it should go back to the relationship bit.

OP posts:
Tricia1234 · 01/04/2017 10:40

It's not for me to say, but perhaps all you can do right now is reassure your kids over and over and say how much you love them. Perhaps on Monday a chat with school, if they're that age, would help too? I found the school counsellor a good support for my boy, it helped they knew there were difficulties at home and it reassured me to know they were keeping an eye on him. They help so many kids is similar situations. For myself, i found a sympathetic counsellor I could talk to and that helped. So sorry to hear things are so hard xx

SleepyHay · 01/04/2017 11:00

What a messed up, shitty thing for your husband to do OP. Why involve your young children? Is it just that he gets jealous when other people get attention?
Really hope that removing him from your life and getting your anemia sorted massively improves things for you.
You mentioned yesterday that you felt everyone would be better off without you. In light of your decision to leave your H and his disgusting behaviour, do you feel differently now?
Think this was the main reason pp were suggesting you speak to your GP. Flowers

RandomMess · 01/04/2017 11:16

I posted way up thread very early on then haven't been on MN.

  1. Get some spatone to glug down the second they take your blood test - you must be feeling utterly crap, and it will start working more quickly than your regular medication.
  1. Your H is an arse - you need to be splitting childcare AND chores 50/50
  1. I think him leaving could be a good thing as clearly he has completely detached from you years ago.
  1. Please don't rule out taking sick leave to recover physically and emotionally so you actually get a break at home for several days without the DC.

My DH once emotionally abandoned me for a number of year (he became ill) and it very nearly broke me, I was suicidal and it has been a very long slow recovery for me individually and our marriage.

Does your therapist say much/anything about your H attitude towards you.

Flowers
MichaelSheensNextDW · 01/04/2017 11:30

This turn of events is unbelievable, really.

BantyCustards · 01/04/2017 11:30

More on the subject:

Detach, now. Do not get into heated messaging/talking with him - do not give him that ammunition. See him for what he is - a heavy chain around your neck which you are going to remove with a 'blow torch' of taking control.

Get to the GP - get signed off work (fuck the work load, YOU are more important than the job st this moment and your children's well being is more important.

Fuck smashing the charade of the 'happy family' a stop covering it up and talk to the most sensible, supportive people you know (you NEED to do this - blow a massive hole in this net you are trapped in)

Talk to him as little as possible - I will bet my last penny that he is going to try his best to goad you into losing your shit with him as he sees that the scales are falling from your eyes - just breathe and see any words that fall out of his nasty mouth as nothing but the tools of a half-formed, emotionally stunted man-child.

Get your sleep.

Hire a childminder as a temporary measure.

Talk to Women's Aid.

This is completely doable - but only if you start taking control.

cestlavielife · 01/04/2017 12:56

Ok he is arsehole
Best he goes and does not come back.
You don't need him.

Your mental health and emotional well being may well improve without him
But ....you may still need help thru it e.g. a good therapist .

And the suggestions above to get signed off work for couple weeks still apply.

(And good lawyer)
And good support for your dc too.
Have you friends /family.?

cestlavielife · 01/04/2017 12:59

Agree with above don't engage with him.
Don't text or speak without thinking for half an hour. except if your friend /some one else is there.
These people don't just go off quietly.