DH ignoring my breakdown

[Haywirefire]

I don't know what to do or who to turn to. My DH has been ignoring the fact that I'm currently finding life impossible to cope with. I have a full time job, a long commute and three small kids. He works shifts at weekends so I do all the childcare then. My job is very stressful and on top of all of this I've got anemia. I'm exhausted and I'm getting to the point that I can't cope. I'm constantly anxious, I have insomnia and zero patience with anyone. I keep trying to start conversations with him telling him that I'm not coping with my anxiety or that I can't cope with the kids and he just changes the subject. Or worse he wades in with 'yeah I'm tired too'. I feel like I really don't matter to him. I would love to leave him, but im trapped by a massive mortgage and I wouldn't want to put the kids through a divorce. There are days where I feel like taking my own life is the only way out. I'm currently having counselling but all it is doing is highlighting to me that I have very few options, which is just making me feel more despondent. What can I do?

Good riddance to him.

Kind of off topic but I used to have horrific anaemia as a late teens vegetarian. If I don't eat enough red meat and green veg it creeps back. Maybe eating meat again for a while would be a good idea so you've got the strength to get through this.

No, no support from friends or family. No one knows things have got this bad. To the outside world we are happy. Not sure I can face telling people and dealing with their questions.
Sleepyhay - you asked how I feel about whether life is better with me in it. I'm not sure, tbh. I do worry though that if I did go that my kids would be left with him and his sympathy bypass. I'm sure they story they would hear would not paint me in a positive light.

And I've not eaten meat for 35 years. I've no plans to start now!

You have to tell people.
Be truthful to the people who you see.
You will be surpised at how many will support . Of course some may not want to know but if you keep hiding the truth you not allowing the ones who can help. To help.

You don't have to tell them in person. Just send a general email/text to everyone in a few weeks.

Seriously, how do you know meds are not for you, unless you try them? I was a martyr unto myself when I was first diagnosed with bipolar, and refused meds. I went on to have a complete breakdown- was unable to function at any capacity for weeks. My mother (a mental health nurse) persuaded me to try medication. Wish I'd done it in the first place. They're not a cure, but they've sure helped to stabilise me.

You seem determined to give up on counselling at every turn. It is tough, it does make you question yourself, it takes you right down, but then things do start to make sense.

Your OH is not a mental health professional, he's probably feeling completely out of his depth with how to cope with you, and maintain a job and look after the children. You seem to think he has a magic wand to wave to make things better. He can't. It's down to you my lovely. You are not superwoman - take help from any quarter that you can. Consult your GP, by the sounds of it he will probably sign you off. Your workload would then have to be distributed amongst others. Sod your boss - your health is priority.

Welshwitch speaks a lot of sense.

It's almost like there are two issues here. One is your husband's lack of support, and the other is your own mental health. The two issues are both separate and intertwined.

None of us can really tell from your posts whether your DH is an arse, or just completely lost trying to deal with life and your issues. It kind of reads as a bit of both.

But almost regardless of that, your husband cannot wave a magic wand and make everything better, which is what it seems like you want. Even the most supportive husband in the world is unlikely to be able to help you when you describe your symptoms as essentially wanting to not be here anymore.

Maybe your husband is an arse. Maybe you would all be better off apart. But the way you describe your mental state is why people are talking about seeing your GP or taking medication. Because you are unwell, and you need to take that leap to making yourself better. It's an insanely hard leap, but it's one only you can take.

I don't think any poster can help you. I don't think you are listening to the very good advice you've been offered. It's like you are in denial. About your MH. It's also as if you are sticking your fingers in your ears and claiming 'I'm not listening'. I'm not surprised your husband is frustrated. He can't win. I also think you are directing a lot towards him, that actually isn't his fault or within his control. He's your scapegoat, instead of you addressing your core issues.

Nearly Every single suggestion you have dismissed. What answer do you want?

It's even more important now that you;
Take time off
Sort out your mental health for your children's sake as well as your own.
Take some meds to stabilise you if need be.

You have to take steps to help yourself.

I'm torn between saying I'm sorry about today's update, and I'm glad about it! Awful though his behaviour was, it's made some things easier for you. I'm sure your DCs will be fine, as they have you to reassure them. It's pretty clear now, isn't it, how much you are needed? Life will be much simpler without him, but the process of getting to that point is likely to still be pretty gruelling.

I hope your check up re anaemia goes well, it's still worth getting bloods checked generally, in case there is an underlying condition (in addition to an idiot husband and anaemia).

Op - I'm sorry that your having such a shit time. No one deserves to feel this way.

Here's a way of thinking that changed my life:

Some, maybe most of your problems are down to your choices.
You are choosing to commute to work.
You are choosing to stay in your marriage.
You are choosing not to go to your Gp
You are choosing not to take medication.

You sound as though you may have lost some perspective on your life. You can pin all the blame for your current situation on your husband, or your GP, or and no one on here will encourage that.

I understand that you don't want to take medication. But with regards to your comment about the help you got with your post natal medication: 'all they did was offer pills and berate me for not taking them', well, what on earth did you expect them to do?
If you had diabetes, and refused to take the insulin that your doctor explained was needed, you wouldn't criticise the doctor for 'only offering medication', and then complain that you felt unwell as your. Mood sugars were high, and no one was helping.

I wonder why you are so against tablets. Some common reasons people are against them:

They are addictive - incorrect, they are not addictive
I'll be on them for life - the usual duration of treatment is 3-6 months
They'll turn me into a zombie - they act by increasing the level of serotonin in your brain. Serotonin helps you feel happy, and levels become unusually low in depression. Some antidepressants can have a sedating effect, some don't. Usually the ones that do are used for this reason, I.e. To aid sleep
The side effects are awful - the side effects are usually very mild (some nausea, restlessness) and disappear after a few weeks
Only weak people need antidepressants - people with depression need antidepressants. People with asthma need inhalers. People with Anaemia need iron....

Part of depression can be rigid and negative thinking. I know this is hard, but honestly, what do you have to loose by giving it a try? You sound miserable at the moment, maybe they'll really help. Think about that - they could transform your life. And if you tried them and they didn't work, well, then you know.

All the best.

What a horrible situation. I really feel for you and hope you can find some solutions, quick.

Op, I'm sorry you're still getting posts insisting you need antidepressants when you've clearly stated they're not for you.

I understand why pp are suggesting them and saying things like if you had diabetes it's a disease and you'd treat it with insulin so why not treat your anxiety / depression BUT the thing is sometimes the depression and anxiety CAN be a symptom and it's important to treat the cause, what's not to say that the cause of your exhaustion and burn out is a combination of a crappy marriage to an emotionally abusive and unsupportive man? If you had a splinter in your hand you wouldn't just take a paracetamol you'd take the feckin splinter out.

None of us know you or your dh and only you can make a judgement call on whether your relationship is actually part of the cause or a symptom.

It absolutely is imperative that you prioritise yourself and try to get healthy in all senses, there is not going to be one single quick fix. Leaving your marriage will be a rough ride but so will staying and you need to decide which course of action had the best long term outlook for you.

You also should take some time of work to allow yourself time to recoup some strength and rest, you are exhausted and your adrenal gland is most likely shot from being under constant stress both at work and at home. You need to rest.

I haven't read all the relpiles here, so I'm sorry if I'm repeating what other ppl have said here. You are totally right in that your partner should be supportive. If I had to guess, I'd say that your partner is probably worried abput you,but doesn't have a clue as to what to do. He's probably sticking his head in the sand because he's scared, and while this might not be the best reaction, and certainly not the support (or lack of,) that you expected, it is still his reaction, which comes from how he feels himself, which is probably a mix of fear, confusion and not knowing what to do.

At the end of the day, you need some help, and seeing your GP is a start. If the counselling doesn't help, then don't do it, but you obviously need some kind of support. If your job is too much, then could you look for a different one? A break might be a really good idea though. Maybe you could speak to your boss, or another colleague about the pressure you feel that you are under, and that you don't feel that you are coping very well. You might find people are more sympathetic than you thought they'd be, once they realise the seriousness of the situation, and how you really feel.
Your suicidle feelings shouldn't be ignored either. There are support services that are available, even if it is just going to see the Samaritans. Talking through your problems will help you to feel less overwhelmed, and you will be able to make a plan that will help you. By focussing on your partner not suppprting you the way you feel he should be, is honesttly not getting you anywhere, or helping you, and actually it is pobably making you more stressed. You do need support, and by the sounds of it a break at the very least, and if you cary on without it, you will end up on the sick anyway, so take some action now to get yourself some help, and then things will start to gradually get better.

Thanks for asking about me.
I tried to spend the weekend not getting anxious about stuff and trying to get myself into a functioning state. This means I'm pausing counselling for now as I can't cope with the unhappiness it's inducing. It will have to wait until I'm better able to cope.

Maybe try a different counselling eg more cbt based
There are different types of counselling
If you getting anxiety and have no support that could lead to down spiral ? But maybe therapy Delving into past is not needed but practical cbt
Does your nhs trust offer on line cbt type therapy?
If you divorcing etc then most people need emotional.support
Try maybe a group for separated and divorced ?

I've always been very sceptical of CBT, so I think I'd be a poor candidate for it. If I were able to change the way I think about things, I would have done it by now.

By way of update, I saw my GP today. I basically could have written the script. 'You're anaemic, go back on the tablets, come back in 3 months' No matter that I've been stuck in this loop for 6 years and the tablets aren't solving the problem. She almost rolled her eyes when I said 'I'm so tired, anxious and exhausted I can hardly get out of bed in the morning and I feel so wretched I want to die'. Her reply? 'Well being anaemic doesn't make you feel like that', shoved the prescription in my hand and I was out of the door. So the magical GP hasn't sorted it out like you all promised.

I'm pretty sure you have the right to insist on a referral. Have they checked our vitamin D levels as well as your blood count. I was utterly exhausted on just borderline Vit D deficiency couldn't believe the difference after a few weeks taking supplements.

The whole issue of your anaemia needs sorting. My first port of call would be a different GP or move practices.

on your behalf!

The prescription she gave me is for vit D and calcium tablets too. I actually swapped GP practices last year because I was so fed up of them not doing anything other than keep giving me iron tablets on an endless loop. But I'm starting to think that this is the standard approach to the issue.

Make a pain in the arse of yourself, we're so conditioned to not kick up a fuss and it's bloody hard finding the wonderful to especially when you've so little energy anyway, but play by the rules, take the bloody tablets and go back in 3 months and tell her you still feel ghastly ( if you do ) Then demand to be referred to someone else. Do you have any private healthcare cover to expediate the referral process?

How are thing with your H?

GP cant fix you, your husband cant fix you, your counsellor cant fix you.

I never asked for anyone to fix me. If you look back at my original post I talked about my husband just simply ignoring or avoiding talking to me about being unwell. My GP is also not listening to my concerns about being anaemic for 6 years and the impact that is having on my mental state. It's not about being fixed it's about finding help. I don't think it's too much to ask my husband for support and I don't think it's too much to get pissed off with the GP writing endless prescriptions for iron tablets. The bit I was referring to was the content of previous posts where other mumsnetters were suggesting that a conversation with my GP would elicit some options for me. I maintained that it wouldn't and my experience bore this out. She ignored my concerns and wants me to continue doing what I've been doing for years without success. This is what's making me angry. Nothing to do with being fixed.

Haywirefire; you said you had been a vegetarian for 35 years, have you been a vegetarian from birth or did you become one in teens, because I hope you don't mind me bringing age up, but are you in 40s ,because if so then all of your problems of not coping could be because of peri menopause. I am having problems with mental health,bleeding etc. that started when I turned 40,and am trying to find an answer.

If you are in 40s then that would be why you are struggling with lack of energy brought on by anaemia and the menopause transition. I would definitely struggle a lot with 3 young children now,and luckily mine are teens,and get my need to rest.

       It must be very difficult for you being on your own on weekends; my husband used to work shifts when mine were little and Sundays were the worst; everybody else is doing family stuff,I used to try and take mine out to a play centre just so i could sit and have a coffee and break up the day.

If you think it might be menopause,there is a menopause section in health,that talks about treatment with hrt or the pill or herbs etc. I take Maca tablets from Holland and Barrett that for 5 year have helped with energy,but you need to take a break from them every few weeks,so they don't effect your liver. Five years on they are not working so well,so am trying different hormone replacement therapies out,as this helps with energy.

If you are going through 40s with 3 young children and a stressful job, no wonder you are exhausted. I think a lot of people doing this are probably on the pill or hrt.for energy ,or the mirena to help with bleeding.Its the oestrogen that gives you energy that starts dropping from mid thirties. The mirena is progesterone that helps with bleeding.