DH ignoring my breakdown

[Haywirefire]

I don't know what to do or who to turn to. My DH has been ignoring the fact that I'm currently finding life impossible to cope with. I have a full time job, a long commute and three small kids. He works shifts at weekends so I do all the childcare then. My job is very stressful and on top of all of this I've got anemia. I'm exhausted and I'm getting to the point that I can't cope. I'm constantly anxious, I have insomnia and zero patience with anyone. I keep trying to start conversations with him telling him that I'm not coping with my anxiety or that I can't cope with the kids and he just changes the subject. Or worse he wades in with 'yeah I'm tired too'. I feel like I really don't matter to him. I would love to leave him, but im trapped by a massive mortgage and I wouldn't want to put the kids through a divorce. There are days where I feel like taking my own life is the only way out. I'm currently having counselling but all it is doing is highlighting to me that I have very few options, which is just making me feel more despondent. What can I do?

I don't think anyone's saying you have to stay together but all your focus seems to be on your relationship and you're not taking on board the fact that addressing your MH is a much more pressing concern.

OP, with a very non-expert hat on, sounds to me like you really need to find someone (family member or friend) that can help you take control of your life.

Understandably, you feel desolate and trapped, taken for granted and unloved. But you are ill (anaemic) and persisting with counselling that isn't helping (never helps me either) and trying to sort/salvage your relationship when you are totally drained and depressed. Must be a vicious circle that makes you feel even worse about yourself.

Like many have said, tackle those things instantly in your control (iron tablets, break from work and maybe swap counselling for a bit of childcare) and go and get a blinking MASSIVE hug from a loved one. And well done for admitting you are in a hole, it's never easy asking for help.

By fix me I mean that he thought he'd turn me into a sunny, optimistic person. I've never been that, god knows why he thought I would turn in to one!

Get better OP

I see depression/suicidal thoughts as chemical imbalances in the brain, you don't have to use medication although it is usually the easiest option. Try looking into alternative ways to help yourself feel better with working out, health diet, meditation.

Also ask the gp for all the tests to rule out stuff like thyroid and celiac and whatever else he/she can think of that can make you feel down. Also you will feel better when your iron is sorted out so you have that to look forward to

Hormonal issues can make you feel crap too maybe get on the pill or take a different pill, I felt awful on the coil and really needed it out and a few months off before starting a pill it really can mess with your head if you're on the wrong one.

Someone mentioned a drowsy antihistamine and that would be a great shout for your insomnia it's worth a shot and won't do any harm you deserve a good sleep

It's so hard to live with someone with depression, your husband should be kinder to you but you should give him the break he's probably struggling to keep it together himself. I think you can get couples counselling through some churches, I don't know is mediation available to couples staying together? Do you want to work through the shit time and make the best of this situation or give up now and start a fresh?

It's not normal to feel suicidal or to be content with unhappiness for the rest of your life, when you do feel suicidal call the Samaritans please, I'm sure they will help you when you're at your lowest

Look he's not looking after your needs. So look after your own needs.

FIRSTLY have some child free time daily. An hour at least.

SECONDLY exercise daily or alternate days. Walk/run/swim whatever. The endorphins will help you feel better and sleep better.

THIRDLY take B vitamins and folic acid to help with the depression.

Op I keep reading and your head seems to be in the sad that there's anything wrong on your side. At the end of the day we all have to pretend, we all have to try, we all have to put aside our upset, anxiety and insomnia and put our kids first,

I got asked when I started therapy whether I'd been suicidal and I said yes but I couldn't be that selfish and put the kids through that.

Sort yourself out then sort out your relationship, you really keep chopping and changing your feelings/what you can and cannot do.

Also buy some 5-htp from amazon to help you sleep

OP alternatively can you change your working hours do that you start work later in the morning and grab sometime for yourself first thing

Firstly have your blood test and restart your iron tablets and do what you can to get more sleep. You can't address bigger issues whilst you are physically exhausted. Mentally put your worries about your marriage aside - think "I'll think about that in six weeks when my anaemia is better", or whatever timeframe. Don't let yourself get drawn into worrying about it until then.

Once your anaemia is treated and you are sleeping you will be in a much better position to evaluate your marriage and job and make decisions.

Yes it is normal to support your spouse through difficult times. I do think this can be tricky when you have kids and are really busy. Was your husband sympathetic and helpful when you had problems in the past? Is his disinterest recent eg as he's swamped himself, or his longstanding personality?

His disinterest started from when we had kids. I think he was disappointed that I got PND and then he couldn't be bothered to help me as it couldn't be fixed in an hour. After that, he's avoided me every time I've been down. He only wants the happy me.

You have been given lots of advice re your health, your life, your relationship. It hasn't all been about getting meds. You seem to ignore everything except the thing you don't want to do. You asked a pp how she got through her bad time- she had already told you in her post!! This is what she said:

Channel the anger energy into fighting for your own survival instead of fighting everyone else. Your DH may be acting like a total dick (mine did-ended our marriage eventually). Don't waste energy on fighting with him, conserve it for helping yourself.

If you want to survive you need to stop making excuses for why you can't change anything and you need to make some maybe hard choices about what you are going to change.

If you got run over by a bus tomorrow your caseload at work would just have to be dealt with by someone else. Getting signed off work for a couple of weeks minimum would make more sense than taking off one day here and there

Please tell your GP that you have additional health problems next time you are there. You could have another underlying deficiency like the anaemia that you are not aware of. There is more to meds than ADs, but you have to tell the GP so they know what to look for.

Good luck OP, I hope you can find some clarity and see through the current muddle.

I have decided, pickleme. I'm going to leave my husband.

OP - having skim read the rest of the thread I will say this:

You need to factor out what your 'D'H might or might not do: youbarevsllowing his belligerence to control what you do next. When you are in the depth of despair this is an incredibly dangerous thing to allow.

Get an outside perspective, factor him out of your well being (for now at least) and take control.

Thanks. I will bear that in mind as he is likely to turn into the biggest arse hole going. He hasn't got the capacity to support me when I'm down so he's unlikely to go easy on me when I'm calling it a day and we're trying to split assets and childcare.

I don't normally post in this topic, I have a bit of 'experience' as my partner of 18 years has suffered with his mental health on & off over the past few years. I think you have more than 1 issue & its a bit of a vicious circle. If you're not sleeping properly, that makes everything worse. My DP works shifts & I try my best to make sure he gets his sleep - not always easy when hes in bed during the day with a 6 year old! From what you've said, it seems like the relationship with your H is strained, you feel he isn't supporting you & I think perhaps you are jealous of the free time he gets which I empathise with. What works best for my DP is to break his feelings down & look at them separately - which is causing the most problems, what help can he get. He has been signed off work a few times, had talking therapy & has taken medication. I do understand & accept what you say about not taking tablets, everyone has to choose their own 'path'. I have supported my DP as best I can, listening & discussing things. I'm sorry you dont have that support. I hope you feel better after your anemia assessment

Well done OP I think you've made the right decision.

If I were you I'd start a new thread focussing on how to separate, not your mental health issues.

Spell out all the other stuff about your DH, not just his reaction to your depression.

I think that way you'll get the advice you want.

Thanks Something.

The more I have thought about this today the more I have come to the conclusion that it's the relationship that's sour, not me. I'm looking forward to leaving him behind and getting on with an anxiety free life without him. Apologies to all those people who took the time today to offer me an alternative view. But I know now, it's not me it's him and we'd be much happier apart. Thanks all x

You've actually pointed out previously that it's not even him causing the anxiety, why post this bollocks if you're just going to ignore advice and previous experience.

You're not looking for advice you're looking for attention. Good luck op, you're going to need it

Op, I'm so sorry you're going through this. I can see where pps are coming from in some respects but I can hear your voice too and know what it's like to be expected to do all the emotional labour whilst working and doing all the admin etc of the home.

My dh is an arse too and I've contemplated (am contemplating) options... I also have a history of pnd and on going depression which despite diagnosis he refuses to believe, and someone upthread asked you if he offered to make a cuppa and do a household task while you put your feet up would it help... yup, that is literally all it would take in my case and I suspect it'd be a huge move in the right direction for you too.

If he's not even acknowledging you're struggling despite you trying to tell him then I agree that your relationship does need work. And all this sort yourself out first bollocks is just that, bollocks. Again you're being expected to do alll the emotional labour and then what just turn around and say it's ok you've been to counselling and taken some pills to take the edge of and now you're prepared to accept that your dh is emotionally unsupportive and he places unrealistic expectations on your time and energy to take care of 5 people and hold down a full time job with 3 hr commute.

I'm raging for you.

However, don't go straight to the divorce lawyer. You need to have an almighty row with him and get it all out in the open. The weight of all the resentment is crippling and bearing that weight is only serving to push your head under even more. Problem shared is a problem halved even if he reflects his half at least you'll have got it aired. Just make sure you have self care set in place for after. Take the kids away to your folks for a weekend to let him process and let you breathe or something similar.

All the best op, tough times xx

It's not bollocks to advise someone to focus on their own mental health before divorcing their DH. Divorce is an awful process.

OP. Take some time off work. Like three months

I get you in the anti depressants thing.

you are clearly exhausted, at breaking point and trapped in cycles of negative thinking.

if anti depressants are wrong for you you have to change your life other ways.

Divorce might be the right answer, but short term you know that is more stress and worry. Get three months sick leave to sleep, get well and reconnect with your kids first.

I really feel for you. It sounds as though you're being hit on all sides: physical health, mental health, relationships, work, and daily life. I personally think all these affect each other and that if you can work on getting one to where you'd like it to be, it may well have a knock-on effect on other areas - or give you enough of a lift to tackle another area.

Focusing on what you asked for advice on, do you think you would actually like to work on your relationship, if your husband was also willing to, and if he was willing to re-balance the domestic load? Or is it definitely over and things too far gone for that? There is a difference between a man who is frightened of emotions/feelings, doesn't know how to help his wife and needs very specific instructions with no ambiguity, and a man who is uninterested in his wife and contemptuous in his behaviour - and if he's routinely telling you to fuck off (if I remember correctly), he may well fall into the latter category in which case I quite understand your feeling that it is time to call it a day.

It certainly sounds as though you are carrying more of the domestic burden than is fair, unless there are extenuating circumstances such has his working hours, but I think you said he has more free time than you? Does he actually do any chores? (Sorry if I've missed this.) Does he have any understanding of how much you do to keep things going? (A book I keep meaning to read myself is Wifework by Gaby Hinsliff - l think - which may be one for your commute )

Would it help to literally draw up a list of everything you do and how long it takes, and sit down with him to work out what he could take on, or is this pie-in-the-sky thinking? Do you have the funds to outsource anything? Sorry if this is unhelpful.

Our domestic load used to be very unbalanced but I have learned the hard way that if I want DP to do more, I have to spell this out to him and assign him specific tasks, as he only has any sense of initiative about certain things. But he is at least willing, which makes it easier.

If you think your relationship is worth saving, you could consider couples counselling but I would suggest only going with someone who is recommended - an experienced therapist worth their salt would be able to handle a manipulative man and call him on blaming the other person for everything, etc.

Good luck, whatever you decide.

Things can also look totally different through the black cloud of depression, it's a bad idea to make any major decisions when you're feeling like that. Building your mental and emotional strength before making a far reaching decision like divorce is only ever going to be a good thing.

I've woken up this morning to find that my DH told the kids last night that the reason I'm so upset at the moment is that their behaviour is terrible and that if they don't improve I will leave them. Needless to say my kids are clinging to me like limpets today. Just what I need. Big thumbs up to my poor poor husband and his terrible terrible wife. I'm starting to think it's him that needs the pills.

That's dispicable of him.

People have been arguing on here about who is to "blame" for your illness but it doesn't really matter. Your H is a complete cunt and you do need to get yourself and your DC away from him.

Please take some time of work, catch up on your sleep and make a plan.