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Original poster

DH ignoring my breakdown

433 replies

Haywirefire · 31/03/2017 09:34

I don't know what to do or who to turn to. My DH has been ignoring the fact that I'm currently finding life impossible to cope with. I have a full time job, a long commute and three small kids. He works shifts at weekends so I do all the childcare then. My job is very stressful and on top of all of this I've got anemia. I'm exhausted and I'm getting to the point that I can't cope. I'm constantly anxious, I have insomnia and zero patience with anyone. I keep trying to start conversations with him telling him that I'm not coping with my anxiety or that I can't cope with the kids and he just changes the subject. Or worse he wades in with 'yeah I'm tired too'. I feel like I really don't matter to him. I would love to leave him, but im trapped by a massive mortgage and I wouldn't want to put the kids through a divorce. There are days where I feel like taking my own life is the only way out. I'm currently having counselling but all it is doing is highlighting to me that I have very few options, which is just making me feel more despondent. What can I do?

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 31/03/2017 21:08

Really? Most GPs I know are better a fixing physical problems with a tangible answer.

There are some really great GPs out there who can refer you for counselling. The gp can't sort your relationship but there are ways you can help yourself to feel better and be stronger either to change your relationship or leave it.

Woollymammoth63 · 31/03/2017 21:09

Its very hard when you only have leave in the children's holidays. Is it possible that on your husnpbands two rest days he has the children and house entirely and you rest or do something you need to? - counselling, see the GP for the blood test, see a friend, on line shop for easy food? Etc

Dementedswan · 31/03/2017 21:10

HWF I completely understand how you are feeling. I too am feeling good burnt out, the smallest of things seem huge. I need to recharge to be myself, sleep, watch box sets whatever. Just time you just be. Yet I'm on call 24/7 to my family/responsibilities. Cleaning up pissing from the bathroom floor multiple times a day, being the go to person, picking up everyone's crap just so you can wipe a surface is draining and demoralising. Add in a demanding job it's fucking impossible.

Add in the unsupportive partner who can't see you are struggling even though you've told them. I bet OP if he made you a cup of tea and told you sit down and took over some chores you'd feel a lot better.

However, you do need help, it's a shitty place to be and you want to to get better or you wouldn't be posting. Don't keep up the facade ask for help .

Hope you get this sorted Flowers

Dementedswan · 31/03/2017 21:12

Please excuse my typos I'm on my phone trying get to ignore my sleep refusing dc whilst dh deals with them x

MichaelSheensNextDW · 31/03/2017 21:13

Where did you get the idea from that unwell and suffering = faulty?
Can I suggest you examine that concept?
When your children get a stomach bug or chicken pox would you refer to them as 'faulty'?

Woollymammoth63 · 31/03/2017 21:13

I have to say Gps are just generally trained doctors and they vary a lot in their approach and personalities. They can talk and sympathise, they can refer for counselling or mental health assessment, or stress courses, they can do physical check and bloods for tiredness, they can review regularly and that's their mainstay. They can also deal with mental health emergencies by referring in to crisis team etc.

Woollymammoth63 · 31/03/2017 21:14

Sorry - of course they can also prescribe.

Original poster
Haywirefire · 31/03/2017 21:15

Thanks Dementedswan. That would be a great start. You'd like to think that was obvious though wouldn't you? Instead I just keep being ignored or told to fuck off by him.

OP posts:
HappyJanuary · 31/03/2017 21:16

You sound very contemptuous of your dh and adamant that he is the major source of your unhappiness.

On that basis it is obvious to the observer that you need to take steps to separate, as you both deserve better.

As you've said you won't leave, what more can anyone say?

I feel sorry for you because you're unhappy but I also feel sorry for him, living with a disappointed wife who despises him and only stays married for practical and financial reasons. It seems to be one of those sad situations where a relationship has run its course.

I wish you would do something to help yourself, just awful to think you might be posting the same in five years.

Original poster
Haywirefire · 31/03/2017 21:18

I've already been in this position for three years so it's easy to conclude I'll still be like it in 2022.
I do feel sorry for him too. He probably does deserve someone different, as do I. It's just working out the mechanics of how we separate and survive.

OP posts:
myrtleWilson · 31/03/2017 21:23

Hi Haywire - is it possible at all to go to a different GP at your practice?

Someone upthread asked if you had a historic trauma - am not meaning to pry at all but I do wonder if there is something of considerable heft that is blocking you in some way?

But have you re-read MichaelSheens post at 19:02 and then looked again at some of your posts/thinking?

I know (from experience) that living with someone in depressive state is horrible and from that I can only surmise how much more distressing it must be to be that person, so what I say now is with kindness - but I did at times find it bewildering and frustrating and overwhelming with a sense of 'no matter what I say or do it will be the wrong thing'. Only you will know if you think your DH is in that place or is actually a horrible person with no care for you at all

I do hope you are able to find a path through this that works for you, for your DH and for your children

Woollymammoth63 · 31/03/2017 21:23

I don't think we really know what OPs DH is like or whether their work at home is shared out fairly, we do know she is in distress. Can people just be more supportive and stop challenging her excessively?
OP , whatever the background detail, you are overwhelmed and need some help . Can you get any sort of housekeeper who can help with the children?

Hidingtonothing · 31/03/2017 21:24

Look, whether it's your marriage causing your anxiety, depression and stress or your MH causing the problems in your marriage the result is the same. You are not well and the only thing stopping you seeking medical advice is your own insistence that the GP can't help. How do you know if you don't ask? You need to tell a medical professional how you're feeling, including your thoughts of suicide, and let them advise you on treatment options. And no, they can't change the situation with your husband but they can help you get well enough to be able to make rational decisions and take action to change it yourself, whether that's working things out or separation.

Original poster
Haywirefire · 31/03/2017 21:25

I don't know any of my GPs. I'm in one of those massive London super practices where you just see anyone and never the same person twice.

OP posts:
Original poster
Haywirefire · 31/03/2017 21:26

I can't afford any further childcare. I'm also paying privately for counselling and that is crippling.

OP posts:
Original poster
Haywirefire · 31/03/2017 21:29

It's becoming more obvious to me that if I'm not going to disappear and leave him with the kids or take my own life my only other option is to legitimately divorce him. That way I can start again and he can be happy without my miserable outlook dragging him down.

OP posts:
minifingerz · 31/03/2017 21:29

OP, apologies I haven't read the whole thread.

You need to focus on getting your anaemia and sleep sorted. Once you are not so tired you will feel less desperate about your life.

The fatigue from anaemia is soul destroying and it's especially crushing when you cannot slow down or stop. It's like a form of torture.

I'm saying this as someone who has had anaemia for years which has made it very hard at times for me to manage my life.

Dementedswan · 31/03/2017 21:32

I hear you! It's just those small things you need to make you feel like you matter. Have you tried to discuss it calmly with him? Have you a close friend you can pop into for a chat and leave him to do the childcare?

Ultimately you can't change him but you can work on yourself. I'd say sod the housework and go out have fun with your kids but I've got ocd, gad and depression so that's not possible for me. However I'm off work and I cope because my kids have just started full time school so I can keep on top of house stuff and plan park trip or whatever to entertain kids .

Perhaps some time off work will help you if your dc are school age or in childcare.

LonginesPrime · 31/03/2017 21:33

Whether you should leave your husband is no-one's decision but yours - it's immaterial whether he's reasonable and you're not or vice versa.

Do you want to stay with him? Why/why not? Or are you not sure yet?

MOTBHelp · 31/03/2017 21:34

Your H is a knob.

You both have a lot on your plate but you have a very long commute and no free time, ever. Along with the added delight of anemia it's no wonder you're in your knees.

I too have had severe anemia coupled with anxiety so I do get how you're feeling.
I can understand why you won't contemplate pills, becaseu I did the same for two years (until I was literally in my knees) but if you don't want pills you HAVE to do something.
Please get signed off from work for at least two weeks, catch up on sleep, at least that will be a start and you will beable to think straight!

Privateandconfidentialplease · 31/03/2017 21:34

Op. I feel bad for you. You have so much on your plate with work, kids and a oh who is not being supportive.
I really think you should ask for a coeliac blood test-very simple.you can have it with no symptoms. It's called a silent coeliac. Anaemia is a very common thing in undiagnosed coeliacs. Coeliacs disease can affect all parts of your body including your brain. Causing brain fog and headaches and depression so if you had that it could be the answer you need. Coeliac disease is an auto immune disease and is controlled by not eating gluten so no drugs. Lots of doctors forget to check this so please give it a go. Don't cut gluten out before the blood test tho.
I really feel sad reading your posts as they are so angry. Have you time to go out on your own for an hour. Walking with a friend or an exercise class?
It is hard for oh' s when you have mental health issues especially for a long time. He should still be there for you but it sounds like he has never been there.

Hidingtonothing · 31/03/2017 21:36

It's just working out the mechanics of how we separate and survive.

But you're already overloaded and overwhelmed, how do you hope to find the energy to do this if you don't take steps to improve your MH first?

OnceMoreIntoTheBleach · 31/03/2017 21:45

Haywire you're not faulty. You're suffering due to your external environment. It's no different to having a virus or being injured in an accident. Your experiences have made you a bit unwell. That's all.

I hope you know it can come to realise that the advice and even the frustration expressed on this thread is because people want to help.

Original poster
Haywirefire · 31/03/2017 21:45

But if we stay together he's just going to keep telling me to stop being selfish and pull myself together. So what other option do I have?

OP posts:
LastnightaDJ · 31/03/2017 21:58

OP. One thing you said jumped out at me:

Something about when you first got together, your OH though he could "fix" you.... So you were already struggling then?

I can sympathize with you and I hear you about GPs and pills. You don't have to take pills.