DH ignoring my breakdown

[Haywirefire]

I don't know what to do or who to turn to. My DH has been ignoring the fact that I'm currently finding life impossible to cope with. I have a full time job, a long commute and three small kids. He works shifts at weekends so I do all the childcare then. My job is very stressful and on top of all of this I've got anemia. I'm exhausted and I'm getting to the point that I can't cope. I'm constantly anxious, I have insomnia and zero patience with anyone. I keep trying to start conversations with him telling him that I'm not coping with my anxiety or that I can't cope with the kids and he just changes the subject. Or worse he wades in with 'yeah I'm tired too'. I feel like I really don't matter to him. I would love to leave him, but im trapped by a massive mortgage and I wouldn't want to put the kids through a divorce. There are days where I feel like taking my own life is the only way out. I'm currently having counselling but all it is doing is highlighting to me that I have very few options, which is just making me feel more despondent. What can I do?

Your relationship with yourself is terrible. Ergo relationships with others will be doomed to failure. Many pp have described how they were 'desperate to feel better' - jumping to the conclusion that this isn't possible for you, or that you don't deserve it, are hallmarks of disorder to be taken very seriously.

Haywire, you're suggesting you're suicidal because you're unhappy wiht your life. That is not normal. Wanting to die is NEVER normal. You described yourself as having a breakdown in the title.

These are symptoms of mental illness.

That sounds dreadful. Hopefully you're in a better situation now?

Haywire some people can suffer lack of love and support and not feel the way you do.

For others, the stress of parenting and working and feeling under the weather, plus the lack of love and support, can trigger actual clinical depression. And if that's the case, you need medical help.

Your GP is the only one who can assess you and discuss with you the best course of action. That might be medication, it might not.

Even if you yourself were a qualified doctor, you still wouldn't be able to decided what the best approach is for yourself, because you are not in the right frame of mind to assess yourself properly.

MNers can't do it either, but enough of us have been where you are now to know that something isn't right, beyond an unsatisfactory relationship, and so we are suggesting what anyone else out there would recommend, to see your GP and take it from there. It's the first step. That's all.

Look to and bottom of it is, you describe yourself as having a breakdown and can't see what you're saying is alarming for most of us in the 200 odd posts. You have a choice.... burn out and get sectioned possibly or seek help from your GP with an open mind.

There isn't really much else to say.

Work at getting yourself better then LTB. He clearly isn't supportive or helping you at all.

Working full time, then looking after three DC'S solo every weekend isn't sustainable for the vast majority of people. My mental health would be suffering in your position.

Some men are more than happy to watch their partners collapse in front of them, while carrying on with their lives.

Does he acknowledge you're over loaded at all? Could he take some time off or pull his weight in other ways?

OP I am not surprised you are floundering. You are doing too much but I also think you cannot rely on your husband to pull you out of it. I have 3DS and up until last year had 3 hours' commute -it was literally driving me crazy but luckily I got a new job just before I cracked. You are heading for a breakdown and something has to change. What will that something be? I can understand your resentment with your husband (been there!) but you can't magically make him change and leaving him would leave you worse off, at least in the short term - put that to one side for now. Anti-depressants you don't want. I am not qualified to urge you to consider them so let's leave that one for the moment. What you need to do, at least as an emergency measure, is to give yourself some breathing space. This might mean getting signed off work or finding a new job. And also speak to your husband about what he can do to help. Yes, he might resist but, if you don't want to cook, give him a few nights a week to cook. Or tell him he is in charge of birthday presents and then let that go, even if he messes up.

Haywire - well, we've got to page 3 of this thread, and despite a lot of very sensible ideas from other posters, you are no further forward. You are very quick to dismiss suggestions, but have offered us no indication that you'll explore other avenues.

Your DH is your husband - not the answer to your health problems... Its a question of teamwork to sort out and look after little ones and a house, and it sounds like he's struggling, too.

Men can be terrible at acknowledging how you are feeling. I married one, too. My answer is to seek out girlfriends who have similar men in their lives... we all support each other, and we're on the same wavelength....

Do you have anyone else you can talk to? Your parents, siblings, other friends or colleagues? What about HR at work?

So - I'm not going to suggest ADs. Or more counselling.

I'm going to suggest that you stop looking at others to sort out your problems, and to take control of YOUR life and makes some changes.

Im sorry if this sounds harsh - its meant in a stern but kindly way

With the anaemia try spa tone. During my last pregnancy my iron was down to 8 and falling despite horrid liquid iron from the doctors that I would throw up.

I took 3 spatones a day for 2 weeks (which I was told wouldnt help much) and it was back over 10. I took in fresh orange juice. It's usually on 3 for 2 in boots.

Goodness me - I haven't read a SINGLE reply but I have to jump straight in and say that you, down to every last T - was me, about 2 years ago. Honestly, I'm almost jumping on the spot it's so eerie. So from someone whose situation was exactly (down to the smallest detail) that of yours in the recent past, this is my story:

I left the DH. While there was a lot good, I mean really good, about our relationship, it was not enough. I wasn't supported enough, I was under appreciated. There were a couple of extraneous circumstances that eventually ended the relationship (slight emotional affairs on both parts), but essentially, I hadn't quite realised how bad my marriage really was until after it had ended. I'm still having little revelations here and there: it's only just fully dawned on me at how much I had on my plate, and really how unsupported I really was - the 'yeah I'm tired too' really resonates.

So 2 years down the line, having gone through the boggy hell that is the process of separation - on the whole I am so much happier. We have 50/50 residence, it's not / not been a walk in the park, but my soul no longer feel destroyed. If anything, I'm busier - but it's a much more wholesome feeling of business. My mental health is nowhere near shipshape, but I am happier in myself overall.

I'm not saying leave. While the similarities are surprising, yours is a different life, a different marriage. But I do wish I had really allowed myself to look brutally at my relationship and made a decision based on that, rather than the sticky end we met. I think we both could have healed quicker as individuals sooner. Try and get some time to yourself. Selfishly and unashamedly demand it from your DH. And try really clear your head for how you would like to see your life pan out from here on in - you can't keep on like you are. Counselling I think is a very good plan. Whatever you decide, you have to make changes, and now is the time.

I take some heavyweight ferrous gluconate from the GP for my anaemia. I've just run out of my prescription and I need a reassessment before they will give me more.

Presumably the reassessment is with a GP? So make that appointment. And tell them how you're feeling

Is it all medication you're against or just anti-depressants?

I saw my gp because I was suffering from anxiety, insomnia and suicidal thoughts. I was prescribed an anti-histamine which causes drowsiness. When I take it I sleep like a log and don't wake up in the night. This then reduces my anxiety and I cope better with daily life stuff.

I also hired someone to come in for a couple of hours a week to help me. Sometimes she cleans, sometimes she cooks, most of the time she just takes tasks off the list I keep of the million and one things I need to do eg sewing on buttons, wrapping up Christmas presents, putting up pictures, getting the tree bloke to come and prune the trees etc.

I'm suprised anyone has continued to read past the second page! Well done on persevering. And you're right. No further forward. The problem seems to be the definition of the problem. Some see it as I'm faulty, some see it as a faulty relationship. I know my options are limited.

The conversation with the gp will be strictly limited to fixing my anaemia.

The conversation with the gp will be strictly limited to fixing my anaemia.

Why? If you tell them how you're feeling they migh be able to start the ball rolling on counselling etc.

Can they get me a new husband then?

No but they can give you with coping mechanisms to help you deal with tough times.

Hi OP hope you're ok.
I composed a message and my I pad conked out and meanwhile there are hundreds of messages .
I think that you seem to be having a hard time on here and not sure why. I think you have lots of stressors, an emotionally unsupportive husband and little leeway with either your home arrangements or your work arrangements. It sounds as if you are clearly saying you are at the end of your tether and not coping. Yes your husband might be tired, but you are feeling completely overwhelmed and the least he can do is hear you. It sounds like you have something in the past or underneath everything else which is bothering you a lot and the counselling is bringing those things up.
I think a really good counsellor should be able to help you- but that also includes getting through the first few appts, building trust, sometimes feeling vulnerable and upset. Do you like the counsellor, is he / she experienced, kind, well trained, ? Psychologist? NHS or Private?
I really feel for you - and feel seeing your GP and taking time off sick for one to two weeks would perhaps help.

Your counsellor should be able to help you work through the relationship with your husband, and support you.

Really? Most GPs I know are better a fixing physical problems with a tangible answer. Or giving you a leaflet. I would be surprised if they could say 'well your relationship with your husband is broken, let's get you both in here and thrash out the details of what went wrong in a no blame environment'.

Thanks woolly mammoth. We crossed posts.

Sorry if this has been covered, but have you tried relationship counselling? Or suggested it to your DH?

I think I'm getting a hard time on here because I don't agree with the assessment that I'm faulty and only pills can fix me. If I'd agreed with that we would have been done by about 11am!

My husband will use relationships counselling to bully me into agreeing that I'm the fuck up and poor ol' him having to live with a bitch like me. This is why we've never done it.