DH ignoring my breakdown

[Haywirefire]

I don't know what to do or who to turn to. My DH has been ignoring the fact that I'm currently finding life impossible to cope with. I have a full time job, a long commute and three small kids. He works shifts at weekends so I do all the childcare then. My job is very stressful and on top of all of this I've got anemia. I'm exhausted and I'm getting to the point that I can't cope. I'm constantly anxious, I have insomnia and zero patience with anyone. I keep trying to start conversations with him telling him that I'm not coping with my anxiety or that I can't cope with the kids and he just changes the subject. Or worse he wades in with 'yeah I'm tired too'. I feel like I really don't matter to him. I would love to leave him, but im trapped by a massive mortgage and I wouldn't want to put the kids through a divorce. There are days where I feel like taking my own life is the only way out. I'm currently having counselling but all it is doing is highlighting to me that I have very few options, which is just making me feel more despondent. What can I do?

Sorry if I've missed it but why is all of your annual leave used to look after the children? He's a parent too and he has annual leave

I didn't say I wanted to be unhappy. I said I was comfortable being unhappy but I no longer wanted to be anxious and stressed.

I think your sleeplessness is causing a bit of paranoia - that good old 'everyone is out to get me' feeling.

So far, you've condemned your boss as unfeeling, your kids as uncaring and unheeding, your husband as vile, childish and unsupportive, Big Pharma as manipulative, and your GP as a pointless waste of your time.

I get it, I really do. But you need to know that this is a warped view of the world.

What on earth is it that you think 'meds' are going to do to you? Why do you suspect everyone of 'sneaking them in'? Do you honestly think random Mumsnetters are somehow detesting you on sight and trying to hurt you?

Haywire - are you afraid that if you put in support systems for yourself that your H will see it as weakness and even possibly try to use it against you?

If you worked a manual job and got blisters that turned septic, you'd see your doctor and get some treatment to stop yourself getting more ill wouldn't you? Why not the same for a burnt out mum who needs some help?

Yes it is very hard doing it all. I'm a single working parent now, and even when I was married, it was still all me. I do know how it feels.

I sought help; I take medication when I need it. It helps me be well again. I'm not sucked in by pharma, neither is my Gp. I take action to help myself.

OP I really feel for you. You are in a bad place but you don't need to stay there. You can take action. There really is a way.

Don't throw your marriage away while you are feeling so low. You can't judge properly at the moment. It might be the right thing to do or it might not, but you can't make that judgement just now.

Be kind to yourself

His annual leave is set by his employer. He gets what he gets and that's it. If it happens to coincide with a school holiday, great but it mostly doesn't. He often doesn't get Xmas either.

Ah, that's hard. No point blaming him for that, though, if it's beyond his control.

Of course he will use it against me, Banty

The sneaking comment was in reference to euphemistically calling them 'stress' tablets.

I give up - you've been given lots of suggestions on what you could do to make things better but you don't seem to want any help. Almost every post has mentioned seeing your GP but you obviously know best. You still haven't explained what is wrong in taking medication to help.

I don't think that's fair, Parker - I think haywire desperately wants help, but the illness is making everything seem pointless and impossible.

I have explained. They are not my choice of treatment.
I've also explained why my GP will be of no help. Firstly they don't know me and secondly all they have to offer is medication I don't want.
I may as well book to see the dentist.

When you are you go to your doctor.

Why don't you want medication for your illness?

Furthermore the reason I'm on here is because I have a terrible relationship with my husband. Not because I want to ask what I should say to my GP. Unless they offer marriage guidance?

We don't know you either, and we have offered many suggestions that are not the medication you so don't want.

If nothing else, they can sign you off sick.

Your husband's inadequacies are not making you suicidal.

Haywire I think you are misunderstanding some of the posts. Medication isn't the only solution, some pp are just giving their experience of it helping them. When I was first diagnosed I had to fill in a questionnaire which assessed my current mental state. This will help your GP with a diagnosis. He offered me medication and CBT, both of which I took as I was desperate to feel even a bit better. After the birth of my first DC I suffered with PND. I was offered meds again but didn't want them and just had counselling. I've also had various blood tests to rule out other illness that could cause the same symptoms.
FWIW, if your husband is unable to show you any compassion or support when he knows you are struggling then it may well be worth speaking to a divorce lawyer. But get yourself strong first.

My 'illness' is caused by no love, lack of support and too much to do. Is ther a pill for that that I don't know about?

Anaemia is not caused by lack of love and support!

Ok, so not drugs.

Do you exercise? Because the endorphins make me feel less stressed and more resilient.

Also, meditation had worked for me in the past, so perhaps that's worth looking into. And possibly yoga or pilates.

And try to steer clear of negative people and situations that you know will stress you out (as far as you can). I'd also look into self-help books to find ways to combat the stress. You usually have to try lots of things before you find what works for you.

Also, do you make time to have fun with your kids? When mine were younger, I went through periods of forgetting to enjoy my time with them and feeling that I was just running them around and tidying up after them. I think it built up quite a lot of resentment in my head (and it was just in my head), but taking time to do fun stuff with them helped me massively. Otherwise what's the point in any of this?

A GP also has the means to refer you to a Clinical Psychologist, who would hear you and offer corrective thinking strategies to help you better separate out issues, identify what you want to do about them, and prioritise steps to take. Without medication. You are persistently assuming you know it all without actually finding out what's out there.

I don't mean to sound flippant but most of the advice has been to take pills and I've spent lots of time saying that pills are not the answer for me. But we still keep coming back to it.

Haywire - take some time and be honest with yourself as to why you are not making unilateral decisions to support yourself.

I was in the same place and also knew that my ex would use it against me. I allowed myself to grind down to nothing until I finally went bang on Xmas day at which point if it hadn't been for a lovely friend who was there and could see what he was doing I'd have been sectioned.

The outcome? My ex had an even larger stick to beat me with.

I wish I'd yelled out for help outside of him and his family a very long time before I finally did.

Get yourself to the pharmacy and get some iron tablets and take them with juice
When I get anaemia I get lots of palpitations, feel weird tired and depressed.
It takes about 6-8 weeks but it will help in some respects
Good luck