I don't know how to get to tomorrow

[iwasagirlinavillage]

I have a thread in relationships about my marriage collapsing. As a result I can feel myself succumbing to depression and there's nothing I can do to stop it. I already take ADs and I had CBT which ended just before the separation. I just can't do this. Even breathing feels like an almighty difficult task. I have two children so I know I just have to keep going but if it was just me I'm quite certain I would have given up by now. I feel like I've completely slowed down physically, like I'm starting to shut down. But shutting down would be a welcome relief. Although then I think of my DDs and know that I can't do that and a wave of exhaustion hits me again and I feel the weight of it all afresh. I can't do this.

What I'm about to say will sound twee but I really believe it's true - life WILL be better. You will look back at this time and it will be just a memory. A painful memory but a memory all the same. It will no longer be your everyday experience.

You will have a future and it will be happy and loving and exciting and optimistic. I know you can only imagine that reality with him but in time you won't feel like that. Right now it feels like you can't live without him. Though it also feels like you can't be with him either because he has treated you so badly that it would be terrifying to risk it happening again - how on earth do you move on from that? So where does that leave you? Ideally in a world where it never happened in the first place, I know. But that is impossible. So where next?

You need to continue seeking and accepting support from your family to stay strong and prevent the slip into depression from destroying you.

See your GP. Maybe more medication isn't the answer if it becomes a toss up between that and breastfeeding but they may be able to offer some other form of support.

Start envisioning a future without him. I know that's painful. You signed up for a family with mum, dad and children all together under one roof with shared experiences and happy days and it's been destroyed. He was also your rock through the tough times and losing that makes you feel set adrift. But there are other happy futures out there! I promise! You don't need to be in a relationship to be happy but most of us aspire to that so I will say it straight - you will find love and happiness again with someone else! There are lots of lovely, decent men out there. I'm not sure about you going on a date this weekend - you are far too fragile and whoever it is will be disappointing coz it's not him - so think carefully about why you would go on a date right now and what your reasons are. But when you are ready the world will be your oyster. Try seeing yourself happy in the future - imagine it and then it will become real.

I have friends whose husbands have just left. Some because of another woman, one because of depression. In EVERY case the women have met someone else and been very happy! The children are very happy. Their lives are good. Not what they planned but good. Meanwhile, (though irrelevant really), the husbands are miserable and unsettled and poor. You will be happy too.

How are are you op?

I can't handle DD1. She is either distressed or having awful tantrums. She's currently destroying her bedroom and I don't even know why.

I'm considering telling her Dad he has to take her for a week.

I am sorry you are having a really tough time. Can you get outside with the kids? I always find my house can feel like a pressure cooker when the kids are like that and once we get out things are so much easier and calmer. Take snacks and go to a park. It's a beautiful day.
Sorry I can't offer much help but I am struggling at the moment myself.xx

Shes acting out cos she's upset. Def second just shoving them in the pram and going for a walk or to the park. Getting out house hard but always improves things!

I'm ashamed to say that I am considering the absolute worst way out. I can't cope anymore. And I know I have to be here for my girls but the pressure of that feels enormous and adds to my inability to cope.

Phone for help, please. Samaritans for your local number. They will listen and not judge. Xx

Keep talking here, we're listening.

You know it's all right to have cereal or toast or a banana for tea and then all go off to sleep together - you don't need cooking and baths and changing and cleaning and bedtimes. Xx

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website, or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

We are moving this thread to the Mental Health section shortly.

Hopefully that was just a thought and you've realised how silly it would be?
Go back and stay at your parents again? It's ok to lean on them at this time.

Are you feeling any better this eve?

Hope you're getting some sleep. Xx

Good morning,how's things? Is anyone aware how you feel?

I hope you are ok op.

I've just read the whole thread. You poor, poor thing. Can one of your parents move in for a while?

Just to repeat what everyone has said and to phone your HV. No one is going to think you are incompetent. You are a mother of two young children having a terrible time and people will want to help you.

I'm still here. Just. He's got the girls. I hated leaving them. He's got them tonight and tomorrow night. There hasn't been a day in either of their lives that I haven't seen them. Even when I was in labour for 2 days with DD2 I still got my parents to bring DD1 to the hospital so I could see her.

I'm really, really not coping. Every day I say I'll phone the GP but when it comes to it I don't see the point as I can't imagine there'll be able to do anything anyway.

I was going to check in to a hotel tonight but then I didn't quite trust myself to be alone like that. So I'm staying at my parents' house instead.

At the handover he was being very compassionate and friendly. I couldn't stop myself from crying but I didn't open up to him. He kept asking what was wrong and I just didn't make eye contact and busied myself showing him what food there was for the DDs etc. I told him I had to go to the supermarket to get bits for DD2 (she's not great with solids so I wanted to make sure there was stuff she liked available). And he insisted on coming with me with both DDs, allegedly so we could "carry on talking". We weren't really talking anyway so I didn't see the point but we all went. It was really weird. It was like he wanted to feel part of our family again. But I was very much the one in control of that situation - I knew what I had to get, I got it all and I paid. I don't know what he was hoping to achieve my coming. It was odd.

Thank god hes seeing them and starting to show an interest again.

use the time away to recouperate and get your strength back . You might not be seeing them but you'll be doing something for them by helping yourself so you are ready to take care of them again.

Relieved, for now, but please speak to your Health Visitor or Samaritans. He's a bit thick not to know what's wrong with you...

Hoping you and your parents get some decent rest. Xx

Good that he has them, even though I know that it's hard.please make sure you rest.But also please please plan to contact your GP, health visitor, or even just tell your parents how you have been feeling.

Seconding Sunshine's post:
use the time away to recouperate and get your strength back . You might not be seeing them but you'll be doing something for them by helping yourself so you are ready to take care of them again.

Do open up to your parents about how desperate you're feeling. They probably half know and they will be in a stronger position to help if they are aware. You will get through this - no you ARE getting through this and things can only get better. Hand hold from me.

I did manage to get some rest but now, since being home I feel like I can't cope again. I'm being snappy and irritable with DD1. In fact I'm doing everything that my husband was doing in the weeks leading up to him leaving. It makes me think even more that he couldn't cope and that's why he did it - to escape. But what choice do I have? I want to run away and turn my back on it all, just get the good stuff with the kids and none of the responsibility. But I have no choice and so I'm left barely coping and considering my only route of escape as the most extreme one. It seems that neither of us can cope with the pressure of responsibility of our children and that just makes me feel awful.

It will get better. They are so young now. In 6 months/a years time it will all be so different. Plus hopefully there will be less illness over summer

6 hours seems like a struggle now, let alone 6 months.

I feel sick. I actually feel like the girls would be better off without me. I think I need to call their Dad back to take them.