I don't know how to get to tomorrow

[iwasagirlinavillage]

I have a thread in relationships about my marriage collapsing. As a result I can feel myself succumbing to depression and there's nothing I can do to stop it. I already take ADs and I had CBT which ended just before the separation. I just can't do this. Even breathing feels like an almighty difficult task. I have two children so I know I just have to keep going but if it was just me I'm quite certain I would have given up by now. I feel like I've completely slowed down physically, like I'm starting to shut down. But shutting down would be a welcome relief. Although then I think of my DDs and know that I can't do that and a wave of exhaustion hits me again and I feel the weight of it all afresh. I can't do this.

I'm feeling very, very low. I had planned to go to the doctors today but after last night we're still at my parents house whereas my GP is where I live. The next chance I'll likely get is Wednesday if DD1 is well enough to go to nursery. Although I still don't know what they'll do. I just feel asking for help from a medical professional is my only option at the moment. I don't know what I'll do once I've exhausted that option though.

I think that's a good idea...hopefully they will be able to help.

You're doing really well - even if you think you aren't. Just try to keep going - focus on the small things and the hours and then the days will pass and you'll slowly feel better. Try and rearrange a time you can meet to talk to him again - I think you are both putting it off a bit? I can see why he couldn't get the Monday off so maybe ask him to come in an evening and if the girls go down you can talk? Your poor dad. He must be so angry with him and also feel so helpless he can't fix it all for you.

I'm not in any rush to talk to him now. I just don't feel I'm an emotional position to and there's only so many times I can tell him to be a Dad. All the bills and mortgage have been paid so I'm not in a rush to sort finances. I just need to leave him be and I need to put my energy in to getting through day to day and looking after my children. I will only contact him if one of the children are ill or I'll send a text if DD1 wants to speak to him on the phone. But otherwise, I just want to distance myself for my own sake at the moment.

Distance and space at this time sounds like a good idea, particularly as you do have your mum and dad for support. I know you feel bad at the emotional and physical toll it's taking on them but it's what decent parents do for their children. My three children are under ten but I don't doubt that my husband and I would do anything we could if they needed us at any point in their lives. It's part of the package of being a parent and I'm sure your parents feel that way too. Just think about how you would be if it was your daughters. Please let your parents help you to focus on getting your head straight so you can get strong.

With space from dickwad you can start to take him out of the equation and stop waiting for him to do something only for him to let you down. You've explained how overwhelmed you are and the distress your daughter is suffering and yet he's proved incapable of doing anything productive to change that. He's just a waste of space to you right now. The bullshit about cars and hotels and work and the lies, half-truths and lack of commitment to seeing his children is just plain exhausting. He is not operating like a normal, rational person. Either because of the new woman or because he's just decided he's had enough it doesn't matter now. He is not to be relied on to be honest or consistent or compassionate or interested. The total opposite in fact of what you need.

The biggest hurdle for you right now is being left to explain to your 3 year old where her father is. You need something that is going to both reassure her and stop her from expecting him to turn up soon. Speak to your parents about how you are going to tackle that, they might have some ideas.

I have spoken to my parents and they're just as lost as me. This isn't something they've ever had to tackle before. My parents once separated for a few weeks but my Dad came in every morning and evening to see me and my brother. I did consider contacting MIL to see if she could advise how best to handle it as she's been through it herself but I'm not sure.

I feel so fragile. I feel like any moment is the moment I will crumble. I'm actually hoping that I become physically ill and fall apart that way rather than becoming mentally ill. But either one isn't really an option as I have the girls to look after.

Please talk to your Health Visitor. She may be able to help you more than you would guess - they know how hard life is with small children. My friend with twins was helped to get a trainee nursery nurse doing placement with her by helping.

You are hanging in there, just keep going. Xx

Thank you. I may phone her. I'm just always so scared of saying I can't cope because I don't want anyone to think I'm an incompetent mother.

I got a bit more sleep last night. I went to bed around 10pm and DD2 woke up for the first time at 3.30. She woke again around 6 but settled back down until 7.30. DD1 was up more but my parents saw to her.

My husband has sent texts yesterday and today to ask how they are, which is an improvement. But still no mention of when he will next see them. I want to ask him directly but I know it's pointless as he'll be non-committal about it and it will just piss me off. I mentioned that he could have them on Friday during the day but I had no response about that. He saw them for 15 minutes at the hospital on Sunday night but other than that he hasn't seen them since 24th March. How he can think that's okay is beyond me.

And me...but you can't odds what he does unfortunately-at least he has messaged.
Glad you got a bit more sleep.
You are doing so well op-really

Health visitor is a really good idea-no one could accuse you of being an incompetent mother!!

But by asking for help you will be demonstrating that you are competent and can see you need help. They (health visitors) really do want to help you, that's what they're there for (if they are any good).

Have you tried suggesting he just takes dd1 to the park/swimming/cafe/library/grandparents for an hour? Just dd1? She's the one who really needs to see him. I think it's important he does this out of your house now, so she gradually understands that he's not living with you. It's treating him as fragile and unable to cope with both, but for dd1's sake it might be better?

That's if he'll commit to it and reply to you... What an arse.

I've gone against what I've said and I've text to ask if he has any plans to see them. I've been invited out at the weekend and at this point I don't know what he's doing so I don't know what I'm doing. I know we need something more formal in place but he won't communicate well enough to do that. I don't know what the fuck he's playing at. I don't think he's seen his mum or sister either. He's just shut off all of his old life. But his old life was pretty fantastic, definitely better than what he's got now. All he's got now is work, colleagues/drinking buddies and OW who doesn't live anywhere nearby. He doesn't have a home, his children, a wife, a car, money, friends, family.

He's responded saying that he thought we had plans every day this week. I very clearly said before that Friday is the only day they're both available. I don't know if he's being intentionally dense. I said it in a text so it's not like it could be misunderstood. He also asked when we could meet and suggested he could try taking the day off tomorrow to meet me in the day when DD1 is at nursery. I'm surprised he's mentioned it as I thought he was trying to avoid it. Now I'm feeling really anxious at the thought of meeting him to "talk" as I don't know what he's going to say. I don't think I can take any more revelations.

I think you should try and meet him. If during the talk you feel like you can't handle it or what he's saying you can say I'm sorry I'm getting too upset to talk about this right now and leave. The danger is if you don't speak to him the conversation you need to have will drag on and you won't be able to start feeling better until this has all bottomed out a bit more. I guess put it off for a week or so if you really can't manage it but I would try to have if you can. Go in expecting the worst but hoping for the best that way you won't be too blindsided if there is anything extra he says. There may be nothing more than what you've already imagined.
Keep remembering you are actually in a better place than him right now, you have your girls, your job, your home, and importantly the respect still of your family and friends.

Worst case scenarios:

• She's pregnant - that would kill me after everything
• They're moving in together
• They're getting married
• He wants a divorce - obviously the most likely and it should be what I want too but it's been less than 6 weeks and I still love him because as much as I hate him, love doesn't switch off just like that.

Ok well now you've thought that through you are prepared -
1- is it likely? He can't handle the kids he's got. If she is pregnant it would be an accident and she would be in an awful position. Also how long does it take to get pregnant usually??
2- if she's the women you think then one or other of them would have to move jobs and your oh seems to be quite into his ATM. Also he has nowhere to live so they'd have to move to hers or rent together. If they've only been seeing each other since Jan it would be waaay to soon and the drudgery of domestic life would soon kick in!!! Also if he was going to move in with her wouldn't he have done it already?
3- well he can't marry her whilst he's married to you can he do this one is def not a runner!
4- possible - in which case you have to listen to him as to why and also say how you feel to him.
Probably most likely he doesn't really know what he wants or is doing and also I'd be prepared he was seeing ow a bit longer than you thought/might be still seeing her and want a separation whilst he continues to pursue this. In which case you willl at least benefit from knowing where you stand. You can't move forward with all this uncertainty.

That sounds so sensible Sunshine.

I knew I shouldn't have text him about when he's having them, after I told him that he could have them on Friday he hasn't responded.

What sunshine said.good post.
I think it would be good to speak to him in person.It won't be easy but I don't think the constant wondering is doing you any good-you need to get an idea about what's happened (hopefully he'll give you one) and what he wants.Otherwise you can't plan and you can't even begin to move on.

Also it would be good to try and get a proper contact schedule in place for the next few months at least.

So he's agreed to have them from sometime on Friday to sometime on Sunday. I say "sometime" as I've asked for times and have had no response. I don't understand what he thinks he achieves by not replying to simple questions like that.

I've also been asked on a date this weekend. A guy from OLD that I've been talking to for a couple of weeks. Not sure if I'll go or not.

I don't want to be a drag and feel free to ignore but I'm not sure you need to start dating right now on top of everything else-especially when you are feeling mixed up about your h?

Totally up to you of course and I get why you might want the distraction and that it would be a nice up yours to your h, but would it complicate stuff with him and your feelings around him further?

Good that he his having them for the weekend.ridiculous as you say that he can't simply specify a time.

I'm sat on my living room floor with DD2 playing around me and I suddenly feel nothing. I just feel numb. The emotion got to a point that it was so overwhelming I felt like I couldn't breathe. I feel detached and broken. I don't feel happy or sad. I don't feel hope. I don't or can't think about anything that has happened or what will happen. I don't feel like I can move from this position.

How are you now op?