I don't know how to get to tomorrow

[iwasagirlinavillage]

I have a thread in relationships about my marriage collapsing. As a result I can feel myself succumbing to depression and there's nothing I can do to stop it. I already take ADs and I had CBT which ended just before the separation. I just can't do this. Even breathing feels like an almighty difficult task. I have two children so I know I just have to keep going but if it was just me I'm quite certain I would have given up by now. I feel like I've completely slowed down physically, like I'm starting to shut down. But shutting down would be a welcome relief. Although then I think of my DDs and know that I can't do that and a wave of exhaustion hits me again and I feel the weight of it all afresh. I can't do this.

I don't know if I was panicking about chicken pox. DD1 had chicken pox, I think I may have asked about the chance of DD2 getting it as she was quite little at the time. I have posted about their health problems before.

I just wondered as I remembered a poster who had a prem dd and had health anxiety in relation to her dds.

It struck me that you and your dh have been through a lot. Your dd being so premature and he stepped up and was the strong one and that continued. We all react and respond differently and I think you both fell into roles of rescuer and rescued as someone point d out up thread.

Counseling would probably really help you both. You to accept that it wasn't your fault that your dd was so premature. Your dh to help deal with the trauma of witnessing it all and not being able to express his feelings and feeling like he had to hold it all together.

You definitely sound much stronger than you were at the beginning of the thread.

I wonder if him leaving and the whole OW is a sort of breakdown as you say. Lots of talking and counseling would really help. It might not be too late. And even if it is talking things out with a counsellor will help you both move forward and parent your dds together.

I completely agree with you Cider and I suggested counselling very early on in the separation to either work through things so we could be together or so we could work better apart. And his response a few days later was "I wasn't ignoring your email, I just didn't see it until now"...and then he said nothing more about it. I found out that day that he had started sleeping with her so after that we never mentioned it again.

Ultimately, he doesn't think he needs counselling. His sister suggested it to him and he said he's fine and doesn't have anything to talk about or any unresolved issues.

I'm feeling a bit down about this morning now. I hate that he's calling someone else "Beautiful" like that, that's how he always used to speak to me. I know this may well be what he intended - for me to feel sad and hurt and jealous. Well it worked, because I do.

It must hurt, but put that hurt into good use. He may well be having a'breakdown' but he HAS started a relationship with someone else so it's time to be proactive and get hit ducks in a row. Do it for your girls and show him you 'fixed' yourself way better than he ever could,

Keep pushing him re a date to talk. Last time you had a chat with him you felt better afterwards and you do need to get arrangements about the house sorted.
He sounds very messed up still. You are sounding stronger and stronger every day.

How are the girls? Our health fun continues with impetigo and a bacterial infection.

Also we got punished today that dc1 didn't get into nursery because we haven't been going to church enough - it's very unfair as we've been in hospital with dc2! The impacts of sickness are just so far reaching. We will of course appeal but it's just another one of those things - more hassle, more admin, more worry. Poor dc1 has suffered so much with dc2's sickness it would be so unfair if she couldn't get into the school we wanted too

for your continued recovery

Oh no that's so unfair Sunshine. I hope your appeal is successful and isn't too stressful. I'm sorry the illnesses are continuing. It sometimes feels endless doesn't it.

I'm going to leave talking to him for now. Instead I will put it all down in writing and then email my proposal to him. I don't think at the moment that speaking to him would help me too much. Especially if he is game playing. I'm doing okay generally so I need to keep focussing on that for now.

I also want to change my hair colour, a bit of a "new me" kind of thing. But for what I was done I was quoted £300!

want, not was.

Aww Village, I am just catching up with the thread. He's really playing some weird and mean games now. A couple of days ago you were so strong sounding and I swear it's as if they know! They just have a sixth sense of how to try and pull you down again.

Anyway, this accidental text reminded me of accidental text messaging that narcissists do post-breakup, discard or no contact. A little food for thought below.

Read this about accidentally text messaging the ex:

'He did not do this in error.. He is looking for supply..

He's making sure he's stays in your head.. He's now creating a triangle'

From: www.lisaescott.com/forum/2012/04/05/he-just-accidentally-texted-me

It is really common for the person to create a triangle with you, them and the OW or OM.

'... the narcissist maintains control over your emotions. Triangulation consists of bringing the presence of another person into the dynamic of the relationship, whether it be an ex-lover, a current mistress, a relative, or a complete stranger.

This triangulation can take place over social media, in person, or even through the narcissist’s own verbal accounts of the other woman or man. The narcissist relies on jealousy as a powerful emotion that can cause you to compete for his or her affections...'

This is also interesting:

'During the discard phase, the narcissist reveals the true self – the genuinely abusive and abrasive personality beneath the shallow veneer rears its ugly head and you get a glimpse of the cruelty that was lurking within all along. You bear witness to his or her cold, callous indifference as you are discarded. You might think this is only a momentary lapse into inhumanity, but actually, it is as close you will ever get to seeing the narcissist’s true self.'

Both from: www.google.co.uk/amp/s/selfcarehaven.wordpress.com/2014/07/21/five-powerful-ways-abusive-narcissists-get-inside-your-head/amp/

They also talk about the true and the false self, which relates back to what I mentioned the other day about how a person can live with you as one person and one day turn into or turn out to be another person entirely unrecognisable to you.

It is all completely confusing, but I found those things quite interesting.

Sunshine sorry to read about what you are going through. It sounds so tough. I hope you can appeal against the decision.

I also want to change my hair colour, a bit of a "new me" kind of thing. But for what I was done I was quoted £300!

£300 , of course now I want to know what you want done! I think having your hair done sounds a great idea. Perfect for summer too (if it ever properly comes).

I want to go back to my natural colour at the roots and then have blonde put into the ends. It's currently dyed a chocolate colour so I'd need to strip the existing colour out then have it all dyed to my natural colour and then have the balayage. That £300 quote was with Rush and they're always overpriced.

This is what I'm aiming for

That looks lovely. It does sound a bit expensive for what you want, even though it's quite a lot of work involved.

I wouldn't mind getting some highlights or lowlights done as my hair is currently just my natural colour and I am beginning to get random white hairs but mainly on the front side (weird) and the odd straggler elsewhere. Now you'll get me looking at hair websites for ideas haha.

Aw thanks guys. My oh just been to meet with the priest so fingers crossed.

Do it re hair colour! Hopefully you can find a cheaper price though. Any salons offering special promotions?! I always think a hair cut worth it for the nice time sat there drinking tea and reading magazines alone!

Good plan re the email. Controlled communication and stops him messing up all the good work you've done.

That narcissist thing is very interesting...

I would do the hair for definite- even at that price as a one off treat! Bet you haven't spent much on yourself over the last couple of years. It won't cost that much to continue it. I bet it will make you feel fabulous and why they hell not?!

Feeling a bit shitty again today. I keep playing over "Good Morning beautiful. X" in my head. It's all just so hurtful.

Awful thing for him to have sent you

Don't let it derail your progress

The thing is, if it was a mistake to send it to me then that means he's seemingly fully moved on and in a relationship with the OW. Which is so hurtful after everything we've been through and everything that he's subsequently done, that he could be happy and carefree while I'm still struggling day to day and having to bear the brunt of everything he has done. But if he sent it intentionally, then although he's being a dick, it means he's not fully moved on and not fully happy, and that is my preference. It's not nice to wish misery on anyone but when he's caused so much for me and the girls, I want him to have some too.

Waiting-blimey that was interesting about the triangulation...
Deffo get yer hair done op-nothing makes you feel better like having lovely hair.And if that makes me shallow I care not!

I don't think it's shallow Nigels! It feels physically so much better when hair has been trimmed or cut.

You are doing really well Village you can clearly see from your posts your getting more stronger each day. Even if you feel you aren't. I do think though that you need to stop trying to second guess him and giving yourself false hope. As hurtful as it is you need to start seeing him as with the OW he left for an affair. If she wasn't the reason why is he still with her. Stop making excuses for him and how tough things were on him. he's a dick who had an affair and there is no excuse for that

I get what you're saying Peaches. I'm not trying to make excuses for him, I'm just trying to make sense of the situation. Part of me accepting it is trying to work out what happened. I know that doesn't change the outcome but I still would rather try to understand how this came to happen and if there is any hope for him to return to the person and the father he used to be as that is by far the most preferable scenario for my children. And I'm not relying on him to be or do anything for them, but as his father he can choose to be in their lives sporadically and that in itself would be unhelpful. So I would rather he came to his senses at some point in the future and could be a consistent father for them. Working through these thoughts and feelings is part of the process for me. It's why I'm going to counselling also but writing it down here is therapeutic for me. I don't want to feel that I can't or a shouldn't as then the thoughts just remain in my head where they fester. I hope that makes sense.

When facing relationship breakdowns like this, I think there is a massive gap between what we rationally know and what we also can emotionally and mentally accept.

It takes time and everyone seems different in how they process such a situation and how long each stage/phase takes. I, personally, don't think it is something you can make happen or force, it happens and evolves as it does and you just have to ride it out. Of course, acknowledging unhelpful habits is good, but sometimes it just seems as if you can't make yourself do what might be the 100% best or right thing until you are ready.

One day, in my long relationship, I was able to go no contact (as I had no children with him) and it was amazing when I was able to do that. It was totally the right thing for me. I never looked him up on social media, which I used to do when trying to understand what was going on, even though I really wanted to.

To get to the point of being able to cut him off took me an incredibly long time. I knew how bad and unhealthy the relationship was a long time before I was able to cease being part of the unhealthy dynamic. Up until that point, I am sure (well I know) that some of my friends could not understand how I could continue to interact with him and have the right thoughts and feelings I was having about him.

It must have been frustrating for them on some level. The only person who understood was a friend of mine who also was in a similar relationship. She eventually left and divorced, but again her journey to being able to cut ties with him was long winded and individual to her.

This may also be helpful - about cognitive dissonance:

'[But] the one getting dumped does not get the benefit of having made a decision: the decision was made for him her. Psychologically speaking, everything is stacked in the favor of the one who initiates the breakup. Whereas the very act of breaking up makes her him more certain of her his decision, he she is left to sort through the maelstrom of negative emotions. This, to me, is where things get particularly interesting. Cognitive dissonance predicts that the more difficult the breakup is on the one being dumped, the more easy it will be for the dumper to get over it.

The cognitions, “I care about this person,” is dissonant with “My decision is causing him her pain.” But there is greater dissonance between the cognitions, “I care about this person” and “My decision is causing him her an enormous amount of pain.” There are many ways the mind can reduce the tension between the two, but the one that seems most common is to add the cognition, “I would not want to cause them this much pain if it wasn’t the right decision. Therefore I made the right decision.”

This isn’t just an exercise in psychological speculation. I have seen many friends stunned by the apparent coldness of someone they love, unable to process how quickly they have fallen from their relational bliss. Continuing with my example, it’s not the woman’s
man's insensitivity to his her pain that is causing her him to move on. In fact, it’s quite the opposite: her his acuteness to his her struggle is the very thing that’s convincing her she him he made the right decision. On the flip side of that coin, it’s easy for the dumper to get annoyed with the lingering struggle of the dumpee. But it’s important to remember that doing the dumping gives you a 90 meter head start in a 100 meter dash.'

[I changed the genders from the original and the italic sections are my highlighting]

Taken from: www.google.co.uk/amp/s/thedyingaway.wordpress.com/2014/03/04/why-breakups-are-lopsided/amp/

I agree wholeheartedly Waiting. And I think at this point, if I could go no contact I would. I have stopped looking him up on social media, I don't text him anymore, I haven't attempted to arrange to meet him, I have no interest in speaking to him when I see him. And I am feeling better for it, but then he sent me that text and saw the condom box and I was forced to confront certain emotions - I didn't initiate contact and I didn't go looking for anything, both text message and condom box were forced in front of me. I didn't want to be in that position but unfortunately both instances were unavoidable.

I do see progress in myself. Unfortunately I can't cut off contact completely. I'm currently drafting a letter re my proposal for the house. One thing that I need to address is his financial contribution for the girls. For this month he has paid for the house and DD1s childcare and I have taken on the day to day costs of food, clothes, outings, toys, treats, plus roof over their head for the majority of the time. I have no idea how I would calculate what he should contribute and what is fair. I know CSA is shockingly low, and he previously said that he wouldn't give me that little - he seems to think if he does the right thing financially he's doing the right thing across the board. But I've no idea what he would/should contribute.

You are only going to know what's going on in his head if you ask him. You've said you don't feel strong enough to talk to him and feel better with no contact so you are left with a contradiction!
It's a delicate balance but maybe do as you are doing and stay nc as much as possible but have controlled communications.