I don't know how to get to tomorrow

[iwasagirlinavillage]

I have a thread in relationships about my marriage collapsing. As a result I can feel myself succumbing to depression and there's nothing I can do to stop it. I already take ADs and I had CBT which ended just before the separation. I just can't do this. Even breathing feels like an almighty difficult task. I have two children so I know I just have to keep going but if it was just me I'm quite certain I would have given up by now. I feel like I've completely slowed down physically, like I'm starting to shut down. But shutting down would be a welcome relief. Although then I think of my DDs and know that I can't do that and a wave of exhaustion hits me again and I feel the weight of it all afresh. I can't do this.

I guess the real problem is you just can't trust him anymore.

He certainly is being the optional parent at the moment. Opting in to take care of them when it suits him. Perhaps this way it's easier for him to be perfect dad - just doing it for small amounts on his schedule?! Of course it's not perfect not being around but like you say he's no reference point of a dad that's there through thick and thin.

I often toy with the idea of showing him the threads, as like a final "here you go, this is what I think, what I feel, what you've put me through". But then I think, what would the point being? Would would I be aiming to achieve?

Does at least show he's not super happy just to finalise plans and divide assets - or that he knows what you guys will say will hurt one or other of you.

And yes - you WILL be fine whatever happens. You are doing ok now and it'll only get easier albeit you should expect temporary set backs every now and then.

Exactly you should be able to talk to him about the stuff on here too rather than him have to read it all.

I think if someone had written this about my break up I'd feel a bit upset that so many people knew so much about my life even tho it's anonymous.

I get what you mean about the failure element. I also understand why you feel like that despite rationally knowing you shouldn't or aren't to blame. Being able to get pregnant, being able to carry a baby to term and being able to give birth naturally are all things we are pretty much brought up being told we should be able to do, I think. It's hard to let go of that. In your relating what happened, I was focused on how amazing it is that we can now give babies a chance when they are premature. It truly is amazing! It brought a tear to my eye.

My situation - he left to go back to his family (in another country) due to the breakdown and I am waiting on him to decide whether he will return. He will have to decide soon. That's where my username came from. I was talking to my mum about the situation today. She is protective of me and has gone off him a bit (she really liked him before this) because she sees the impact of his behaviour on me. Not that his behaviour is intentional (to affect me negatively), but a by-product of his breakdown and him trying to figure out where he goes from here is that it obviously impacts me.

I'm at the point where I feel as if what is meant to be will be. If he chooses not to come back then he really wasn't the right man for me. If he is he will want to return. Rationally I know that, but I don't always feel rational about it. I feel helpless and hopeless sometimes and very sad and a bit tearful and go through bouts of depressed feelings (especially if I'm hormonal).

I also feel like what is happening with him, as you said about your H, is likely temporary. How long temporary is, I don't know. I kind of think that if we do break up, he will regret it, as you have said before about your H. I don't say that about myself in a big headed way, but he said to me that he had not met anyone like me since he'd ended things with his long-term ex some years ago, despite dating/short term relationships and he has said that I have not put a foot wrong. So it does lie completely with him. If we have done nothing to cause it really, and it is them and their breakdowns about things, then we are stuck as we cannot fix it, can we? There is no role for us to work on anything with them. We are just bystanders really.

So with that being said, I feel I just have to take this time to concentrate on myself. I am building my life up without him and I want to get myself into a good position so that whatever happens - if I decide to be single, to date again or he comes back - I am in a good place.

I think the fact he gets to 'dip in and out' of childcare and the girls' lives grates because a. it's just wrong and b. he caused this problem and situation so it seems doubly wrong that he is so flaky!

I totally agree with you on this:

I also think letting me know at 3pm is a bit late in the day. He also told his sister that I would leave a key for her, but neglected to tell me this so I had to give her my key. It's his assumption that I'll just do what he wants that really pisses me off. As if I just exist to serve him and his children and he'll pop along to help out every now and again for which I should be grateful.

It's just wrong, isn't it? It seems disrespectful and you can ignore it a bit if it's a one off but when it's the pattern, you can't really.

I still think it is quite bizarre that he is not more responsible and proactive about his contact seeing as he is not having them that much. If, as a mum, you did this, it would be a disaster, wouldn't it? Behaving like this sort of takes it for granted that you are just there, that you all organised and responsible. Someone has to be!

What our partners are going through does sound remarkably similar Waiting. My husband has also said, since the separation, that it's nothing I did or didn't do, he said it sounds like a cliche but it was about him, not me. Plus the stuff that he has said about it will never be like it was with me with someone else and his "I'll always love you", puts the emphasis on his role as a parent being the problem. And I think that's the fairest way to define that, it wasn't the children that were the problem, it was him being a father that was the problem. But I do know that that wasn't always a problem. He really did love being a Dad. He said a few weeks ago that I was always better at being a parent than he was, but I genuinely don't believe that's true. He was fantastic. Like, amazingly so. He would play and teach and read and always did bath time and night feeds. How much DD1 loves him and idolises him is completely reflective of what he put in. And you could see he loved it. So I don't think him being a Dad was the problem, his ability to cope was the problem. But he should have done the grown up thing and asked for help. Instead he ran away. And that it what I think he will regret.

Exactly waiting. When I was looking for something at the house today I found the card that was attached to the Mother's Day flowers - To The Best Mummy in the World. Thank you for always being there for us. Love DD1 and DD2. Someone has to be!

OP - not sure if this will help much - but in my experience men (I know that sounds sexist, I don't mean it to) deal with things very differently in these situations.

My XH was the most devoted dad in the world now anything & everything can come before the DCs, he never ever EVER considers their emotional well being at all. He just doesn't seem able to see it (easier to deny it then he takes no responsibility?) and if I complain about situations they have been put in he is just defensive about me criticising him and ignores/avoids the actual issue.

The big change for me came when I stopped expecting him to care, put them first, stick by the promises he had always made us etc. I spent a long time arguing with him and asking how he could do x, y & z. Defending my babies emotional well being, demanding he honour arrangements made etc. It got me absolutely no where - other than a burnt out, unhappy negative mess.

I now expect nothing of him. Sad but a much safer place to start from. And I have in the process lost a lot of the resentment and anger. He is a tosser, I don't like it and it isn't the person I married or lived with for years. But there it is. He is a tosser and that's that. And life is easier now because I accept that.

Name I do agree that men just can't cope with the enormity of certain things. Not all men, absolutely not, but definitely the men we are talking about here, just could not cope and they, individually, are weaker than us women. How long have you been separated? How long did it take you to get to the point you are at now where your expectations of him are so low? I'm not quite there yet, I'm still incredulous about it all.

I am thinking again about sending him the threads, not the link, but to maybe print all of the pages of both. The possible benefit of which is for him to self reflect and address any feelings of inadequacy as a father, which frankly are unfounded, for the benefit of my children. And really, what have I got to lose? What does anyone else think about this?

I tried every trick in the book to get my XH to face up to what he had done and was doing. Not one thing changed. If anything the guilt may have made him stick his head further in the sands of denial.

It has taken me a long time to work through the process (separated 2 years) OW on the scene for about 6 months recently (lied about and denied by him for God knows what reason - other than he would lose some control over me I guess).

I just know I used an awful lot of my own energy trying to 'change' him, or bring back the person I thought he was, or the father I thought he was. With hindsight I should have kept some of that energy for myself and DCs and the donkey work of single parenthood that someone on MN described as 'having one foot nailed to the floor' SO TRUE!

It is unfair, unjust, unreasonable, bloody hard work, frightening and uphill. BUT no matter what I say or do I can't change him, only he can do that. What I can do is hang onto my sanity and create the best environment possible for my beloved DCs.

It is far from easy. I guess I am just saying that old chestnut of focus on you.

To me, the things you are saying about him clearly show he doesn't know what the fuck he is doing. I think he has to work it out for himself, that one's not up to you - you have enough on your plate.

You're right. In both he doesn't know what he's doing and I need to just let him get on with it. It's so hard though when you've been so used to sharing your life with someone to suddenly let them fuck it up all on their own. And I do think that's what it is, letting them fuck up and not drag you down with them.

I do wholly believe that I can build a better life without him. As I said earlier, it's just a case of working at him not being able to get to me and bring me down while I try to build us back up.

I think the main way to stop his actions/words having such an effect is to try and keep the focus on yourself. Waste of precious energy trying to work out what he means/thinks/will do. I know that is far from easy but you getting stronger is the way forward.

For me 'no contact' had been the answer. He picks up from school and when he drops back I actually stand behind the door as I open it so never see him. Obviously my road had been completely different from yours but I still feel physically sick when I am anywhere near him. His betrayal and lies will never leave my heart and it has made things much much easier for me to cope with to cut him right out of my life. I never wanted that and assumed we would be mature, practical and considerate parents together. He fucked that one up repeatedly so we are where we are.

I think you should take your time, not rush into any big decisions re the house etc unless you are sure it is for your (and the girls) benefit. Divorce (if it heads that way) can take a long time. No need to rush. I would say a routine and regular arrangement for access is your priority now and build your strength and your future in your windows of time when he has the girls.

The difficulty with the house is that a decision needs to be made sooner as neither of us can afford it on our own. I'm happy with the proposed arrangement for it. I just need to discuss it with him and he's not being forthcoming with arranging a time.

I think the OW might be someone different to who I originally thought. If she is the new woman that I think she is, she isn't from here, is in a long term relationship with someone from back home and is only here for 10 months. That would all suit him fine. No commitment, no responsibility.

Ok, well that'a another way that my ex used to mess me about try and retain control he has still never made a decision about anything.

Keep it short and to the point. Suggest 2 times that you know are a good possibility for him.

I know it feels like the OW is a part of this whole mess, but she isn't really. It's almost irrelevant who she is - it's who he is that has put the situation where it is now.

Oh I know. I don't care who she is. It's more a case of working out who she is so I can understand more about why he's done this. And her being someone who there's no future with makes perfect sense. It also shows that he's living in cloud cuckoo land and not dealing with reality. If it's who I think it is and the way I think it is, it's not a relationship, there's no potential for a relationship and he's clearly just fucking her. That all makes more sense based on my theory that he's having some kind of breakdown. But ultimately, in a weird way, I don't blame her. Don't get me wrong, I hate her and she should really check her moral compass, but he's the one who has broken his family, she was just there to help him.

He just accidentally text me instead of her saying "Good morning beautiful". I fucking hate him.

Have you responded? If not maybe tell say thank you for your miss sent msg meant for your gf, it was the clarity I needed and will now be issuing divorce proceedings citing your infidelity. Please inform your gf she will be cited in our divorce proceedings as the reason for the end of our marriage.

To move things along please confirm you are happy with the dissection of assets, maintenance snd contact.

I just replied and said "Might want to check who you're texting". He replied "I'm sorry". My friends feel it was sent intentionally as he can see I'm doing better now and he doesn't like it.

I would be almost certain your friends are right.
This guy

He also left a condom box in full view in his suitcase on the bed. That suitcase was there yesterday but the box wasn't, so that seemed pretty intentional too.

Dick head.

I recall him getting all nostalgic I think when he saw pictures of you out enjoying yourself on Facebook?

Rise above it OP. Show your class and don't get sucked into his games. On the basis that he may be having a breakdown/is a mess at the moment, don't engage with his behaviour, focus on you and the girls.

Again, dick head!

God, he is really is being the most unbelievable dickhead. Wanker.

I really hope for you that these antics give you the strength and courage to see him for the ridiculous little manchild that he is, and the release to look forward to building a better life for you and your lovely daughters.

I've been lurking on your thread but not posted before. Can I ask were you the poster who was panicking at one point about your DD being in contact with chicken pox? And possibly a couple of other health related issues to do with your DDs?