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I don't know how to get to tomorrow

903 replies

iwasagirlinavillage · 27/03/2017 16:14

I have a thread in relationships about my marriage collapsing. As a result I can feel myself succumbing to depression and there's nothing I can do to stop it. I already take ADs and I had CBT which ended just before the separation. I just can't do this. Even breathing feels like an almighty difficult task. I have two children so I know I just have to keep going but if it was just me I'm quite certain I would have given up by now. I feel like I've completely slowed down physically, like I'm starting to shut down. But shutting down would be a welcome relief. Although then I think of my DDs and know that I can't do that and a wave of exhaustion hits me again and I feel the weight of it all afresh. I can't do this.

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iwasagirlinavillage · 12/05/2017 21:24

I did respond that and he came back with more questions.

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WaitingYetAgain · 13/05/2017 11:15

I'm so pleased to read your updates Village. You sound so proactive.

As for him and the questions, just remember how long it took him to reply to you sometimes in the past. I'd be inclined to go with that you are undergoing tests to establish if there is a treatable cause of the symptoms and you won't know more until testing is complete. So you don't wish to discuss it as there's nothing to discuss, is there?

iwasagirlinavillage · 13/05/2017 23:10

I'm feeling very sad this evening. I don't really know why. Not sure what promoted it, just feel sad.

I've had a nice day though. I went to my friend's house for her daughter's 1st birthday party and despite being the only single one there I didn't feel like a spare part and really enjoyed myself and the girls did too. I realised how completely wonderful DD1 is. Don't get me wrong, I knew that already! But while other children were bickering or winding each other up, she was just smiling and having fun playing. When little disagreements were going on between the children I automatically knew she wasn't involved. She really is fantastic. This morning she was sitting with my Dad and said "I love you so much Grandad". She is so lovely. Don't get me wrong, she has tantrums and challenging behaviour, but that's usually reserved for at home when she's tired. Today she even asked me before she had some ice cream, rather than just accepting, and when the older children were in the garden playing and I asked her if she wanted to play too, she said she wanted to watch the birthday girl open her presents instead. I am incredibly proud of her. My brother was here yesterday when my Mum had the two of them while I went for my appointments and he said to my Mum what a good child she is. For once I feel I must have done something right!

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Sunshineandlaughter · 13/05/2017 23:40

Star definitely - she sounds lovely

WaitingYetAgain · 14/05/2017 00:11

DD1 sounds delightful and a credit to you.

I am sorry to hear you are feeling down. I understand what you mean about it just coming out of the blue like that. I have the same happen to me sometimes. It is hard because it seems so random and you can have been having a lovely time and then there 'it' suddenly is, looming over you. Sad I try to cling onto the thought 'this too shall pass' but it's difficult when you are 'in' that feeling. I can't just shake it off.

iwasagirlinavillage · 14/05/2017 17:53

I'm feeling quite low and desperate today. That sinking "I can't do this" feeling is back. As is the disbelief, hurt and denial.

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NameWithChange · 14/05/2017 22:10

Be kind to yourself. Nice bath, Early night (if you can) packet of chocolate biscuits. Whatever you need. You will get through this. Tomorrow is another day Flowers

WaitingYetAgain · 14/05/2017 23:14

Have ever tried adult colouring books? I find they can help when I feel very anxious and desperate. I might have to take my own suggestion and do some colouring in tomorrow. Perhaps you can find something to distract you or else make plans for the week to keep you busy.

iwasagirlinavillage · 15/05/2017 09:43

I've just come back to our house with DD2 while DD1 is at nursery and it looks as though he's not been staying here. Which means he's probably staying with her. I know it shouldn't matter but I still don't understand how he can turn his back on his life so completely. He was a decent person. How can he change into such a selfish coward? I know, I know, he doesn't matter, I shouldn't be thinking about him. But I just can't comprehend it and being back at our house forces these thoughts to the surface. I think I'm going to make some plans to go out today. I don't want to be here.

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WaitingYetAgain · 15/05/2017 13:26

It does matter because it's so hurtful and so incomprehensible. I completely understand your line of thinking. Of course, going into the house will trigger many memories, thoughts and feelings. It must be incredibly hard.

I don't know how someone can do that 'turn his back on your life together' either. In my previous relationship he ultimately did a 180 on me, although we didn't have children so he was able to completely discard me. I still don't understand how he could be basically like two different people. In reality, he was abusive and I just didn't see it or want to see it/acknowledge it a lot of time. He cared for me very well when I was too ill to look after myself, looked after my dog and did things that were very loving/kind. It's very confusing because your brain is trying to reconcile these two opposing sides of the person and your lives!

I have realised that the better side of him/the nice side was not the true him. He was manipulating me. That's not to say I think he didn't care in that moment of being kind, but ultimately he was doing everything in our relationship with his own interests and benefit at heart. So, if caring for me kept me sweet, then he'd do that as it was in his best interests to do so as he wanted me on his side in the future. I don't know how to put it, but he was basically thinking of himself and I was thinking of 'us' and my wider family when doing things and living life.

I have found my next relationship post-exP is on the one hand quite different in that he is not abusive and seems genuinely kind, but on the other hand I am finding now we have faced our first big crisis that he is also primarily thinking of himself. I am not sure we will pull through this as I was/am thinking of the pair of us and I feel he is not. It's quite depressing! I don't know if this is a male thing, that many of them have the tendency to be self-centred in a big way?! Or maybe I just attract these types.

Anyway, your plan to go out seems a very good one. I hope you have a nice time, whatever you are doing.

iwasagirlinavillage · 15/05/2017 14:03

Reading your message Waiting has made me properly think about it he was like that and I just didn't want to see it. But I can honestly say that prior to 28th January this year, in all our time together I don't recall him being selfish once. He was selfless to a fault. I actually had an argument with him one time last year about it as I felt his constant need/desire to do things for me prevented me from doing anything nice for him. For example he always used to get up with DD1 in the morning (she was always up early) and he was tired and I offered to get up with both of them and he said that there was no need, if I got up he'd get up anyway as he'd feel bad me doing it. Ironically, the day I found out he was cheating I got up with both of them and he slept in. That was the first time he'd done that since we'd had both of them. If anything, I was he selfish one and we had arguments about that too, that he didn't mind doing things for me but he didn't want me to take it for granted. I never intended to but I think sometimes it became the assumption that he would do something because it had become habit. He did far more than me around the house for example and I just let him. God, I sound awful! But do you see why him being this selfish is such an enormous shock to me, he had never done it before. I wonder if he had been selfless for so long that he broke and flipped to the extreme.

In other news, DD2 has started saying "Mum Mum" so that's cheered me up. Although I'm sure I'll probably be sick of hearing it after not too long!

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WaitingYetAgain · 15/05/2017 14:44

Maybe he put too much pressure on himself? He may relate feeling overwhelmed to the children because the demands on him would naturally increase once you have little ones to look after. It still doesn't excuse him cheating though. I can sort of see why someone might 'check out' of a situation that became overwhelming but there was no need to go behind your back.

He sounds as if he has had a breakdown, which is basically what has happened to my current BF. It's hard because you cannot do anything about it. I have just had to let him get on with figuring it out because I can't help him and he has made it clear that he doesn't think I can either. There is actually quite a lot of information on support forums online about spouse and partner breakdowns. It is sadly quite common.

Why do you think he needed to do everything though? Do you think he needed to be in control or something?

I don't think you sound awful as you were suffering PND, breast feeding, recovering from the difficult births/babies being in NICU, weren't you? So I can understand that if someone was willing to do all those things for me, I would probably allow them to as well.

The thing I was thinking about is that this sort of reflection that you are having (and I have been having) is part of dealing with the situation and also realising things about ourselves and others that will help us in the future. I think this is especially true of future relationships.

That's very cute about DD2. Whatever you do, don't give her a tambourine thing. I was in Debenhams the other day buying a baby gift for a friend who has just had a baby boy. There were twins in a stroller and one of them was given like a bangy tambourine thing. The first few times he banged it, I thought it was cute, but he just kept doing it. Haha. Wink I thought thank God I don't have to listen to that all afternoon!

iwasagirlinavillage · 15/05/2017 15:33

I don't think it was a case of wanting to be in control, I think it was a case of having to be. As much as I've always acknowledged that their prematurity must have been hard for him to, for the first time today I've properly thought about how that must have been for him. It's not to take away from what I went through but he had his own difficult experience. When I started having contractions with DD1, neither of us were expecting to become parents for 12 more weeks. While I was in pain and disbelief he had to remain calm and controlled. When things went crazy in the delivery room he had to take a step back and felt completely helpless while they wheeled me away to theatre. His first hours of parenthood were spent supporting me and finding out if our daughter was alive. Hours after she was born, he was alone in one hospital with his tiny daughter, not understanding the machines and knowing that he was the only one there in those first 24 hours which we were told were so vital, knowing that at any moment it could all change. While his wife laid devastated in another hospital, looking to him for reassurance, support and answers. Only 5 days after she was born he had to go back to work. He went to the hospital every morning before work and every evening after work. At home he had to put her cot together and deal with the practical stuff that we should have been able to do at a leisurely pace. Every night when we would leave her I would cry, that must have been hard for him too but he put his own emotions aside to support me with mine. I felt, and feel, like such an enormous failure that he spent every moment making sure I got all of the "firsts" to try to make up for what I felt I had lost. He wanted to try to make it all better for me, but in doing so he lost out on stuff for him. He spent ages trying to get her to say "Mama" first (she did). When I was expressing when she was in hospital, he would get up with me and physically help me to hand express with the syringe to keep me motivated because he knew how much it meant to me to not fail. And then down the line when I was using the pump he would get up to wash the pump for me and label the milk to go in the fridge. He didn't want to stay at Ronald McDonald house because he would rather have been at home but I did because I wanted to physically be closer to DD1. So we did. When DD2 was born he cried in the delivery room. A couple of weeks or months later I was joking about it and said he didn't cry when DD1 was born. He said that he cried with DD2 because he was just so happy for me that I had got to experience things the way I wanted - natural delivery, seeing her in the delivery room, holding her in the delivery room, not having to be separated. He cried because of my happiness. So his introduction to fatherhood was being completely helpless and having to take control in a situation where there was little control to be had. He had to be strong because I was so weak. The other element, which is something his sister said after the separation, is that he doesn't remember having a Dad around, so he has this unrealistic view in his mind of what a father should be. This perfect, movie Dad. That's what he aspired to. And then when things got tricky, really tricky, and he started to lose control and feel he couldn't cope, he simultaneously found out that his own father, who abandoned him, was terminally ill. And at that point he claimed to have no feelings about it. That was at the beginning of January. I've said before and I still think that his emotions in relation to that were actually too strong and so he shut down. But he shut down every emotion for everyone. And then he started getting angry at himself for not being able to cope and not being the perfect Dad. And then I started criticising his behaviour because he was snappy with me and with DD1. And then he probably felt even less that he could cope at which point he felt trapped and probably thought "fuck it". The other woman, he has always claimed was a "symptom" of his unhappiness, not the cause. To a degree I sort of believe that. I have two possible theories about her involvement - he was probably feeling that he couldn't cope, felt trapped, felt like he couldn't do anything right, and met this woman and it was uncomplicated, she didn't criticise him, he didn't have to deal with tantrums and he got to escape from feeling trapped. Or alternatively, he saw the opportunity and thought he would take it as a way of self sabotage. A way of doing something so wrong that I wouldn't accept it and I would stop trying to make him stay and relieve him from his trapped life.

His phrase "I wasn't happy in my life", is so completely vague. It's the sort of thing a child would say "I'm unhappy". It doesn't explore any of the real emotions going on and I think that's because he hasn't explored any of the real emotions going on.

Obviously I could be wrong about all of this. But all of the above makes sense to me. It also doesn't excuse his behaviour and I'm not looking to excuse it, just to try to make some sense of it.

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iwasagirlinavillage · 15/05/2017 15:40

He's having them tonight which was arranged two weeks ago. He's just text to say his sister will do the nursery pick up as he can't get out of work early. It seems he is still unwilling to prioritise them or assume responsibility. I hope for their sake that he will come to realise his own emotions and work to make up for his behaviour over the last few months. But I fear he never will and that he will instead delegate their care to his Mum and his sister and they will see that as him taking responsibility as a parent as at least he is making arrangements. Ultimately I know he will be the one to lose out, but so will DD1 and DD2. This is never what I wanted for them. We had conversations about how if we weren't together we would both still be involved in their lives as much as possible, he's not following through with that at all. And I find it upsetting that they mean so little to him. They should mean everything. They mean everything to me.

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iwasagirlinavillage · 15/05/2017 16:37

I've realised something. I will be okay. My children will be okay. I can make things better for us. I'm not looking to him to make things better anymore, BUT I am looking to him not to make things worse. Things like today with realising he's not been staying at the house and his lack of commitment and responsibility for the children, they hurt me and they set me back. But I tried to make things better. Rather than being stuck in the house feeling sorry for myself, I decided to get out to make myself feel better. I can make myself feel better, when I feel strong enough. And yes don't think he's consciously trying to hurt me and the children but I don't think he's trying hard enough not to.

I can't fathom how he can seemingly care so little for his children. I can't stand that he's happy in a new relationship while I'm trying to repair the damage of what he's left behind. I hate him for that and the thought of him being happy makes me really, really angry. How dare he be happy when he's caused so much pain. He doesn't deserve happiness.

There has to be some kind of end point to this. Something has got to happen to turn things around and, in as least vindictive way possible, make him pay for what he's done and give me and the girls the happiness we deserve. Even if not happiness, just an end to the pain. Surely it must happen. It has to.

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WaitingYetAgain · 15/05/2017 17:27

Well, re: first reply, it makes sense to me. He sounds as if he placed a massive amount of pressure on himself and had extremely high expectations of his father role. Perhaps it was due to his experience of his own father/lack of resolution, as you say. Interestingly, my BF also had an absent/unknown (as in never met) father and was raised by a step dad. When the crisis thing happened to us recently (which is related to children) it also seems to have unleashed a crazy/unexpected deep reaction relating to unresolved issues with the absent father. This has then triggered a breakdown.

I can totally see how your H's experience of the birth and the NICU, coupled with trying to support you, would have caused a lot of trauma and emotions that he has potentially never dealt with. It is very difficult because even if you acknowledged them and tried to help him talk about them, sometimes people don't want to 'go there'. They have to want to and we can't do anything about how they deal with it other than observe/be supportive/listen etc. It is hard to adopt such a passive role, if you think about how damaging their not dealing with it is.

I believe you should be kind to yourself as well though. You said:

I felt, and feel, like such an enormous failure that he spent every moment making sure I got all of the "firsts" to try to make up for what I felt I had lost. He wanted to try to make it all better for me, but in doing so he lost out on stuff for him. He spent ages trying to get her to say "Mama" first (she did).

The thing with such times of stress, trauma and unknown/unexpected things happening is that we don't know how to react. Everyone seems to deal with it differently. It's like trying to navigate an unknown route without a map! No one knows where they are going. You may have taken on the passenger role and he may have taken on the role of driver. Your reaction doesn't make you a failure though. As far as I can see, you both played a different role in dealing with what was happening. He chose to play that role, which was very lovely of him, but you are not the responsible for him having chosen to do that. Just as he was not responsible, really, for ensuring you got those firsts. He chose to do it presumably because he wanted to. So as far as I can see, there's really no right or wrong to have failed at, is there? Maybe you feel like that now because you are attaching an outcome (as you see it now) to your role and behaviour then?

I am inclined to think that OW presented an escapist route, as in being with her is escapism. My BF has also chosen an escapist route, although not with an OW, he has essentially left me behind whilst he tries to sort himself out. He has kind of run away. I expect this is not unusual. I think both you and I have felt we'd like to run away too at times!

WaitingYetAgain · 15/05/2017 17:33

What time will he finish if he is not picking them up? Do you mean he won't be looking after them tonight but instead SIL will be doing their evening routine?

WaitingYetAgain · 15/05/2017 17:42

I hate him for that and the thought of him being happy makes me really, really angry. How dare he be happy when he's caused so much pain. He doesn't deserve happiness.

I feel bad for saying this as it seems wrong, but how you are feeling in this post is excellent in my opinion. It is a new phase. The anger makes you quite powerful. You said about an end and personally I believe that there will be an end. It will come as you move forwards, take control of your life and accept him for what he has chosen to be now. You can't change him, he isn't what you wanted him to be or what you wanted for the girls, you can only change how you deal with it. Stay strong! Flowers

iwasagirlinavillage · 15/05/2017 18:58

The thing with feeling like a failure is about me feeling as though I failed by not carrying my babies to term. I know I did nothing wrong. I know it wasn't my fault. Cognitively I know and understand these things, but I don't feel them. I feel that I failed. I feel that I let them both down. At the house today I was looking for something and found my camera. I stopped using it in NICU as it wasn't so great with the phototherapy light and I found that my phone took better photos. But there were some photos and a couple of videos taken on there. There was a video where she was back at SCBU so about 3 or 4 weeks old. And she's so tired, she's struggling to keep her eyes open and rubbing her face with really jerky movements. She looks how I baby would look in the womb, except she's not in the womb, she's laying in an incubator, with tubes up her nose, wires on her chest, bruises on her hands, and instead on her feeling comforted and being surrounded by my body, the best I'm able to do is give her my finger to hold and but my hand on her stomach. The video is lovely. I'm so pleased to have found it today. But it very accurately sums up a situation that is so unnatural and so wrong. I wish there was a way I could post it on here but apparently you can't upload videos.

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iwasagirlinavillage · 15/05/2017 19:14

Waiting what is going on with your situation now? You are right when you say there's nothing you can do to change or help them. I think it's a realisation they have to come to on their own. For my children's sake I really hope their father does. And for his sake too. It confuses me because he acts so bloody reasonable as if he doesn't have a care in the world and as though there's no incling of a breakdown or emotional struggle. And it confuses me because I start to wonder if it's all in my head. But I truly don't think it is. He still has the same personality, so he still behaves like the same person on the surface, but his emotions have completely died. He has ultimately changed deep down. I am quite certain that the change is temporary, or at least the way he thinks/feels now is not actually him. Whether or not he ever realises that is an entirely different matter and it is that that will determine if it's permanent or not.

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Sunshineandlaughter · 15/05/2017 19:14

I wouldn't get at him because he has to work. Everyone had to work and he needs to keep his job even more so at the moment. It's perfectly reasonable therefore he gets someone else he trusts to pick them up. Are you upset about it because you think he's seeing the ow not working?

Definitely it sounds as tho you guys have fallen into rescuer and rescueee roles.

It could be time for you to show him your threads?

Starstarbright599 · 15/05/2017 19:16

Actually I think a discussion with him better - have you arranged time to talk yet?

If you show him threads he might get more upset that you've been discussing his personal issues with people. And like you've been saying all along takes away your safe space.

Sunshineandlaughter · 15/05/2017 19:18

Sorry name change fail! That last post was me!

iwasagirlinavillage · 15/05/2017 19:20

Sunshine, sure he does have to work. But he has known about this for two weeks and previously said he would pick her up from nursery. I confirmed last week and he said he still could. On that basis I told DD1 that he would be collecting her. He would only have had to leave an hour early to be able to get there. He has them 3 nights out of 14, not even 3 full days. For one of those days, with 2 weeks notice I don't think it's unreasonable for him to be able to put something in place. I also question whether he was at work anyway. He was working all weekend and usually after working at a weekend he has a Monday off. I also think letting me know at 3pm is a bit late in the day. He also told his sister that I would leave a key for her, but neglected to tell me this so I had to give her my key. It's his assumption that I'll just do what he wants that really pisses me off. As if I just exist to serve him and his children and he'll pop along to help out every now and again for which I should be grateful. I did see them, with him after the nursery pick up (they were in the local shopping centre and I was passing through, they didn't see me) and he was wearing his work stuff so I assume he was actually at work.

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iwasagirlinavillage · 15/05/2017 19:22

No, he's been evasive about arranging a time to talk about the house. I text him, he replied saying "sure, when?", a few messages back and forth trying to work out when would be best, I sent the last one saying I wasn't sure what would work as I'd need to arrange a babysitter and then he didn't reply. I do wonder if he was trying to avoid me today because he doesn't want to arrange a time to talk.

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