I don't know how to get to tomorrow

[iwasagirlinavillage]

I have a thread in relationships about my marriage collapsing. As a result I can feel myself succumbing to depression and there's nothing I can do to stop it. I already take ADs and I had CBT which ended just before the separation. I just can't do this. Even breathing feels like an almighty difficult task. I have two children so I know I just have to keep going but if it was just me I'm quite certain I would have given up by now. I feel like I've completely slowed down physically, like I'm starting to shut down. But shutting down would be a welcome relief. Although then I think of my DDs and know that I can't do that and a wave of exhaustion hits me again and I feel the weight of it all afresh. I can't do this.

Op, have you considered mediation for discussing the finances and putting a childcare arrangement in place. I found these things can drag out and really keep being so upsetting. A good mediator thrashes out the needs of the children and finds a workable solution for all. It's a more constructive environment to discuss these things.

I think we're actually communicating quite well now. But he problem is opportunity. We only ever see each other at handover and when there are children around it's not the ideal scenario to be communicating. He haven't argued or made little digs at each other for weeks. I have got a bit angry a few times but he hasn't risen to it and has instead apologised for his role and offered his help to make things better/easier. I think we could discuss it fine between us. It's just needing to set aside that time to do it. My parents said they can babysit so we can arrange to meet. I will mention that to him tomorrow when I do the handover. I also don't want to be texting him about arrangements while he's got the girls as I'd rather he and they just enjoyed that time.

But yes, absolutely, if things aren't productive when we talk then I do have details of a local mediation service as I looked in to places a while back when communication was very poor.

That's great you are communicating well again. Talking with him a good idea.

Well done on getting through weekend without them!

I've just woken up from the most awful night's sleep and the most horrible dream. I dreamt I confronted the other woman. And she was nice. And she told me about all the nice things he's done for her and how their relationship existed within four walls so it was easy to ignore what he'd done to me and his children. I woke up shaking.

That's horrible for you OP. Vivid dreams feel so real. I guess it's your subconscious working through it all. Let's hope there are no more.

Yes, I keep having dreams about him. It's frustrating as I'm doing better with not thinking about him and trying to be more positive in waking hours and then when I sleep, when I can't control my thinking, it seems to be coming out.

He keeps fishing for information. I don't know why. There was the think about DD1 saying about the "other Daddy" so he asked me if I'd had anyone back here. Then yesterday when I facetimed the girls and DD1 asked where I was he looked in to he screen as if he'd been trying to figure it out and then asked why I had stayed there. This morning I text to say I was on my way but a bit late. I told him where I was on the bus which was a different route to what I'd usually do, so he asked what bus goes that way and then said he thought I was still staying at my brother's as is he expected me to provide an explanation. This morning, as I was late, I offered to meet him and handover DD2 at the station as it was on my way from the bus stop and I thought it would gain him a bit of time but he said it wasn't a problem and he would wait for me. The other day when I said I had to go he said "you don't have to go right away". I don't know what's going on. These recent actions seem like he wants to be a bit more connected to me, but that's at odds with what he's said previously. It's a bit of a mind fuck.

I don't think he knows what the fuck he wants OP and is messing you up in the process. One day you'll be feeling much better and he'll want to get back together.

I agree with SpookyPotato.

Perhaps it is because what be wants is impossible to have?

It seems a good idea to set up a meeting so that you can discuss what you need to know/sort out without the children in tow.

It seems that DD1 is saying things to him about another Daddy or the "other man" who came to my house to cook me dinner and then we played in the garden. That never happened. Then today she has been saying to me about the "different girl" who was at the house with her, Daddy and DD2 and she was laughing. I've asked him about it and he said they haven't met the OW and he hasn't said anything about her to them. On the basis that she's been saying the same about another man and I know that that's not true, I am inclined to believe that he hasn't introduced them to the OW and that she hasn't been to the house - he isn't sleeping in our bed and each time I've been back there there's been the same stuff, including some of my clothes, in the same position on the bed.

I told him that's it upsetting her saying that and while he knows I don't have to tell him anything, he didn't think I would have introduced them to someone without telling him first. He has said he will discuss it with me before they meet her and before he even tells them about her. I don't think he has any plans to as yet, when I told him I would appreciate it if he discussed it with me first, he replied "of course I would". His use of "would" rather than "will" struck me as it being a hypothetical rather than a definite at this stage.

I'm struggling quite a bit today. I think sometimes I hold on to hope that things will change and that gets me through but other times the reality of the situation hits me and it hurts me all over again. I think that's what's happened today.

But with that said I had my telephone assessment for counselling this morning and I'm booked in for counselling starting this Friday. It is only for 6 weeks maximum but it is at least something and then hopefully I will be able to access private counselling.

I also went back to my GP and I've been referred to a neurologist about the numbness/lightheadedness/double vision etc. They think it will be months for an appointment though.

That's good with the appointments.

I think it might be time to have 'the chat' with him properly as you need to start to understand his thoughts a little more even if he doesn't. You don't need to go over everything just get a little more steer. Gradually then you can match this with your frame of mind.

I don't think he thinks there's anything to chat about. We just need to make practical arrangements for the house now. It's over. I just need to try to accept that.

I am glad to hear about your counselling. It is good to get started on that and especially at this point, when you could surely do with some neutral non-emotionally involved support (other than MN).

As well as the house, have you sorted out his regular contact arrangement/plan? I remember your dad mentioning it in a reply to him, but I got the impression nothing came of it.

I'm so sorry village

Well done OP. It might not feel like it but you have made great progress. Good to hear some plans are in place re Counselling etc. Keep focussing on the positive things you can be certain of.

Good progress made there op. I think the counselling will really help you.so far the people you have spoken to about this have personal investment in it (your parents etc) and whilst you need that support it also helps to have someone impartial to talk it all through with.

Mini positive update for when I need to remind myself!

Yesterday I went to a friend's house in the afternoon. Despite it being 3 buses and despite DD2 being miserable teething and DD1 being tired, I did it! I previously avoided leaving the house with the two of them on my own - even before the separation - as I really lacked confidence in doing so and my anxiety reached a peak at the thought of everything that could go wrong. We all had a lovely time while we were there - this particular friend I wasn't especially close to since before the separation but she has been amazing. While I was there my husband sent me a text asking about the girls, I saw it but not only did I not immediately reply, I didn't even want to. Obviously I was always going to reply to let him know about them, but communicating with him didn't seem important at that moment.

Then today, I have written down details of the proposal regarding the house and I have contacted him to arrange a time to meet to discuss it. I have previously avoided even thinking about the house because the thought of changing things with it makes it seem so permanent and that made me feel sad and scared.

I did the entitledto calculator last week and I'm amazed that I could actually work out better off financially without him than when we were living together. That's with me continuing to work part time which, although a terrifying thought for me at the moment, I do know that it is the best thing for my mental health.

So with the house arrangements, assuming he agrees to them, and the benefits that I can receive (although I don't want to, I will unfortunately have to) I have hope that I can make a decent life for me and the girls in the future. I also had a little chat with DD1 this morning and told her that one day me, her and DD2 would live somewhere else and how would she feel about that. We had questions about why and will Daddy be there, but then we talked about how we will decorate her room and she's decided she'd like a rainbow on the wall.

I have my chiropractor appointment and my counselling appointment later today. I'm a bit anxious about the counselling as I'm feeling okay and I sometimes think that being made to think about how shit you feel on other days makes you feel worse. But we'll see. Hopefully the counsellor is nice.

Love it OP. The change in your posts from a few weeks ago to now is huge.. It feels like your brother was one of the catalysts of this change. Keep going.

He replied to say "Yeah, when is good for you?" and then asked about the girls. Obviously that's a perfectly fine and reasonable response but hearing from him makes me miss him so progressing with plans for the separation makes me feel flat. It's stupid because of course I'm the one who initiated contact and I'm the one with the proposal, but I suppose there's part of me that wants him to be taken aback by me wanting to move forward with plans. I don't know. I'm being silly. Just feel a bit sad. It's always harder when I have contact with him because he's so "him" with the way he speaks and behaves and even some of the things he says. But in so many ways he's like an alien.

Well you didn't instigate all this op-so of course a bit of you is going to want him to turn around and say 'please don't do this, we'll work on it' or whatever.But he doesn't seem as if he's going to do that so you are doing really well to start planning for life without him.
This gets easier, I promise.
You are doing really well.
Good luck with the counselling.It can be hard at first but stick with it.

Massive positive update more like!

I would not relish 3 bus trips with my DCs even if I was feeling on top of the world!!! Fab work.

Just remember that all of these feelings regarding him are entirely natural and keep focusing on the way forward.

You truly are doing brilliantly. There will be shit days - that's life. But hold on to your gut and stick with the way forward.

I honestly believe in a while you will look back and wonder how you could have considered staying with him a minute longer!

I lost a close friend to cancer last year and she had been through some family traumas herself. She was the most happy and positive person I knew. She always said to me to keep looking forward, remember the past fondly (where she was concerned!) but never dwell on it and keep looking forward. I really believe that is the best thing to do.

Just come out from the chiropractor and he isn't happy to treat me until I've had an MRI to rule out a medical reason for the numbness. He said that with the numbness being in my arm and leg it would have to be two physical causes, which isn't impossible, but with the lightheadedness and double vision as well, he wouldn't want to jump to that conclusion. So I have to continue to wait for the MRI and if that's clear then I can go back for them to try some different things. He did press on a nerve in my left shoulder and it sent a shooting pain down my arm which would be indicative of a bulging disc, but that wouldn't account for the numbness in my leg. Since he pressed on that nerve though my arm is feeling even weaker.

I saw the counsellor. I talk a hundred miles an hour at the best of times but I feel as through I talked non stop for an hour as it was ready to pour out of my mouth. I felt a bit lighter when I came out but very reflective.

I accidentally sent a message to my husband, it was about an MRI which made no sense out of context but now he's asking me all kinds of questions about it. I don't know what to respond.

Just respond and say you sent it to him by mistake. Unless you feel it will be good for you to open up communication more.