I don't know how to get to tomorrow

[iwasagirlinavillage]

I have a thread in relationships about my marriage collapsing. As a result I can feel myself succumbing to depression and there's nothing I can do to stop it. I already take ADs and I had CBT which ended just before the separation. I just can't do this. Even breathing feels like an almighty difficult task. I have two children so I know I just have to keep going but if it was just me I'm quite certain I would have given up by now. I feel like I've completely slowed down physically, like I'm starting to shut down. But shutting down would be a welcome relief. Although then I think of my DDs and know that I can't do that and a wave of exhaustion hits me again and I feel the weight of it all afresh. I can't do this.

The appointment was okay. She doesn't think a review of my medication is what will help at this stage and she feels I should try the counselling first and then if I feel no better look to adjust or change the medication. She basically gave me the space to talk and a few tips and coping techniques to help me get through things.

I took the girls to soft play in the afternoon and had a really nice time. Then I took them back to the house for the handover which was fine.

Today I'm going to go shopping to try to find a dress for a wedding in a few weeks, then I'm meeting friends for coffee and then going back to theirs for drinks and dinner. I'm going to stay at my brother's house tonight for a change of scenery and to give me and my parents a break from each other.

Great update OP. Keep going! There will be waves of different emotions, it won't all be good or all be bad. Just keep going. Get some other things booked in for tomorrow if the diary is empty! Well done 😉

I've not said it for a while but I really do appreciate all of the support I've had on here. Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to read and post. It's still a massive help for me. Imagine if I didn't have this outlet to offload! All of this would be in my head which wouldn't be good.

Oh your update on yesterday has made me smile. You sound so much more upbeat.

As namewithchange just said you're going to have an emotional rollercoaster still but I'm glad this weekend is starting on a higher, more positive note.

Is he having them until Monday still?
Keep busy. Staying at your brothers sounds like a good idea for the change of scenery, as you said.

Enjoy your shopping trip and time with your friends later. 🍸🍰

He's having them Monday night as well but I'll be having DD2 during the day on Monday while he's at work and DD1 is at nursery. I'm going to miss them both so much. I had a weird text from him when I woke up this morning asking if I'd had anyone back at the house, he said it's okay if I had (which seemed odd) but that DD1 keeps talking about the "other Daddy" that came there because he needed to eat food. I just replied and said "No I haven't. I wouldn't do that."

On one hand it's good that he's not being a hypocrite as he seems okay with you being with someone else, on the other hand he is dragging you down to his level... As if you would have had anyone around while you've been like you have! You've been falling apart and it's almost like he's discounting that.

I don't think he is okay with it. I mentioned something the other day and he said the thought of me being with someone else is strange and wrong but of course I'm going to move on (those were his words). Also, I think he knows he would have no right to have a problem but if it was okay like he said, then why ask me about it. I'm not even sure that DD1 would have said that, she's never mentioned anything about an "other Daddy" before, neither have I and I don't think it's a concept she would understand. Plus I've not been at the house with her in weeks.

Definitely he was fishing and you did well not to rise to it.
Keep on doing what you are doing - it's all in the right direction. Hope you have a lovely rest of weekend.

Feeling really crappy today. I really miss the girls. And I had a dream about my husband which felt very vivid and I woke up with a jolt remembering that that's not reality. I miss all three of them this morning.

You are bound to miss them, especially the kids. It would be quite wrong if you didn't! Just keep telling yourself you'll see them tomorrow and you are feeling like this because you love them which is no bad thing.

I agree with Stuck.

Your mind is processing everything, hence the dream. It can feel horrible waking up from a really vivid one.

Did you have a good time yesterday with your friends?

I FaceTimed them and feel a bit better since that.

I did have a good time with my friends. It was nice to catch up and it was very relaxed.

I don't really have a plan for today. I need to do a bit of shopping.

I'm also a bit worried about my milk supply. Because I was out last night I didn't express for about 11 hours and then it was about 12 hours over night and I didn't wake up feeling uncomfortable. I think I need to express more often today to tell my body to produce more.

That's good about FaceTiming.

Also, sounds great that you had such a relaxing time with your friends. You really needed that. Are you finding it a bit better to be at your brother's for the weekend? It must be nice to be a little freer and not have to worry about the dynamic with your parents.

It's not such good news about your milk supply. Hopefully, expressing more frequently will do the trick.

Did you find a dress for the wedding or are you still searching?

On my way to have an eye test. Thrilling stuff! My GP suggested it after the numbness and double vision I've been having so thought I may as well get it done today.

I had a chat with my brother about the stuff with the house and we think we've come up with a really good solution. I feel like we have a plan now and I can start to look to the future a bit more. As someone up the thread said (sorry, I can't remember who it was), I'm able to regain a bit of control now about the situation with the house. The solution will involve me moving out of there but that's okay and, actually, I think it might be a good thing as it will give me a clean slate rather than it feeling as though we're living in the same family home but without him. I'll obviously need to talk to him about it all but I'm going to let it all sink in a bit first and make sure we've considered every possibility.

I also want to learn to drive. I was having lessons last year when I was pregnant but stopped when the pregnant complications started. Now I would benefit from driving even more and it would be doing something for me. It's just finding the time to do it.

As for the dress for the wedding, I did a bit of online shopping yesterday. I found a lovely dress but I can't justify spending over £100 on a dress at the moment and, because my life is so glamorous, I have to be able to breastfeed in whatever I wear. So instead I thought I could put together the same look with a top and a skirt. Ive found and bought a top, now I just need to get the skirt. Here's what I'm trying to achieve (and with thanks to the breakup diet, I think I might be able to pull it off!):

That's a nice look. It is probably also better value as two pieces because then you can always pair both parts with other items to make future glam outfits.

Your brother seems a good sounding board and supportive. I think it was me that mentioned about taking some control and power back. Having some rough plan of how you want things to go forward is good, even if it ultimately doesn't work out exactly the way you thought. It's better than having a big ball of nothingness and panicky thoughts, in my experience.

I have plans A, B, C... Trying to cover all bases haha.

I hope the eye exam goes well. I always end up spending £300ish on a couple of pairs of glasses no matter what deals they have on. I would still pick optician appointment over doctor or dentist. It's the least scary!

I am off to sit in the garden for a bit as it's finally sunny. Yay.

The eye test was fine. I have a new prescription so needed new glasses but my eyes are otherwise healthy so the reason for the double vision is still unknown but it's not an actual problem with my eyes.

I called my parents as I hadn't heard from them all weekend and my Mum asked me how I'm feeling and if I feel better than the last weekend that I was away from them. I know she's trying to help and she's concerned but I called her to distract me from how crappy I feel, not to be reminded of it. I cut the call short.

So now I'm feeling pretty reflective. I'm having some lunch and feeling sad. Sometimes the reality of it all hits me all over again. He keeps saying and doing lots of confusing things and I can't work out if he's moved on from me or if he is still unsure about how he feels or if he's playing games. I don't know. I'm just trying to be friendly and lighthearted with him to keep him communicating with me so he'll continue to see the girls. It's when I've previously said things he doesn't like that he tends to bury his head in the sand and doesn't see them for a while. Plus, I've said it all now, there's little point in saying it all over again. And I know that I shouldn't think about him but of course I'm going to, and if I'm not unleashing my anger or irritation directly at him, be prepared for me to vent it a bit more on here. It's better on MN than in my head or in a text message to him.

OP you are doing so well. You really are.

Try not to think about what he is meaning or thinking etc. It's all a jumble. You need to focus on your feelings. I think you mentioned earlier about the bad times and lows with him, focus on those if you need. Rose tinted glasses won't help you now.

Your parents are just concerned, they have first hand witnessed you being absolutely desperate and as low as you have been. Try to gently tell your mum that's how you feel and you would rather not talk about it at the moment. I am guilty of snapping and not explaining why I feel as I do when emotions are high.

Fill that diary up! Even if it is with Mindfulness. Keep going 👏🏼

Good news about your eye test just being regular prescription changes. Hopefully, the double vision resolves itself.

Maybe in some ways it's better to have a break from your parents in all senses while you can. Just so that you don't have to think about things or answer questions that you don't want to. My mum is quite similar, I think. We sometimes get into a bit of a situation because she wants to talk about or know something about my life that I don't feel comfortable sharing or delving into. I'm quite private and prefer to deal with certain things alone or else I feel myself breaking down and getting very depressed. Whereas, if I keep it to myself, I am able to hang in there until I have resolved it or feel emotionally stronger to deal with it and at which point I can then discuss it with her.

Perhaps your OH doesn't even know what he is doing - regards having moved on, being unsure or playing games. One thing that stands out is:

It's when I've previously said things he doesn't like that he tends to bury his head in the sand and doesn't see them for a while.

It makes me think he wants things sort of glossed over because he can't deal with the reality of what he's done. The same with when he said you being with another man wouldn't be right and was wrong or whatever words he used. I thought it ironic that he said that given his own actions. Especially seeing as you being with another man at some point, if you ever do chose to, would be when you are effectively single.

I think it is unrealistic to not think about him. You have two children together, a lengthy relationship, and of course you are trying to make sense of the nonsensical. I personally think it is okay to do that, but to frame it as being part of your recovery from what's happened and moving forwards. That's quite a different approach to someone who pines for the other person and obsesses over whether they will come back etc. You are grieving for what you had and what you have lost, and part of grieving is moments of reflection and memories.

There comes a point where you realise that you will never understand his actions because it's not something we'd do or feel. At that point in my own relationship breakdown journey, I was able to feel neutral/okay about the lack of closure/resolution and accept that I would never get the answers or clarity I wanted. I think it becomes easier to accept with time and emotional/physical distance as the rawness of the hurt and grief diminishes.

I hope I am making some sense.

To be honest, I think I am still pining for him though and hoping that he wants to come back. I'm not even entirely sure if it's what I'd want but it feels unresolved and a big issue for me was that I don't feel I ever got the chance to try to make things better and I don't think he did either. So for me, him wanting to come back would put the choice and the control with me which is something I don't feel I've had. Maybe it's that that I pine for more than him. I don't know. My head is too frazzled! I'm going to try to do some mindfulness later, then a nice long bath, then Netflix in bed.

I'm not overly spiritual but I do think that things happen for a reason, although I'm starting to have less belief in that as if that were the case, surely things should start to get easier. Every time things start to feel just that little bit easier something sets me back, sometimes it's an actual event or something he says or does. But sometimes, it's something small that acts as a reminder. I was sitting on the bus and someone was wearing the perfume I bought and wore on honeymoon. I never wore it again as I got pregnant on honeymoon and the smell made me feel sick. I haven't smelt that perfume since honeymoon, I would have remembered, it would have made me feel sick, but today, just as I was feeling a little bit ok, I smelt it and I was back on honeymoon. I'm off the bus now but I can still smell it and I can still feel it.

Sounds like a plan. I got hooked on Netflix last week! Line of Duty 1st series, couldn't stop watching!

Haven't been on for a while but just wanted to say village your posts are sounding different, there's a stronger and more positive tone to them.

I'm glad you've spent sometime on yourself this weekend, you really are doing brilliantly, let those sad feelings come, acknowledge them but try not to let them absorb you and they will pass

I had that smell memory thing with an ex from a short-term relationship! Freaky, as I didn't want to remember him. The same thing happens sometimes with going to or being in a place/location and remembering a certain time you were with that person. I have that with my ex P. I still get it occasionally, but it feels more fleeting and like an observation rather than stirring up deep emotions of sadness or regret etc.

I think anger and a sense of betrayal are emotions that turn the mind away from pining and towards taking care of one's own interests and moving forwards (self preservation?). I don't know if they just come for everyone or not at some point.

I would swing from wanting my ex back and in doing so for him to take my pain away through to disbelief and sadness that he could do this to me. Eventually, the disbelief and sadness became anger and the longing for him to make good was replaced by other things such as not wanting him because I'd never trust him again and I also knew he'd never have my best interests at heart either. He became less attractive to me as I started to realise how poorly he had treated me. I did know, even though I was very downtrodden by that point, that I didn't deserve that and that he had willingly chosen to treat me like that, which helps make a person less attractive I guess.

Your planned evening sounds lovely and relaxing.

I'm a bit stuck at the moment as I'm trying to work out finances but I need to know how much he intends to contribute. I don't want to open up a whole conversation with him about it, I'd rather talk in person than by text but without knowing I can't really move forward.

Can you agree a short term plan with him - whatever suits you best and to be reviewed and discussed properly in a few weeks?