I don't know how to get to tomorrow

[iwasagirlinavillage]

I have a thread in relationships about my marriage collapsing. As a result I can feel myself succumbing to depression and there's nothing I can do to stop it. I already take ADs and I had CBT which ended just before the separation. I just can't do this. Even breathing feels like an almighty difficult task. I have two children so I know I just have to keep going but if it was just me I'm quite certain I would have given up by now. I feel like I've completely slowed down physically, like I'm starting to shut down. But shutting down would be a welcome relief. Although then I think of my DDs and know that I can't do that and a wave of exhaustion hits me again and I feel the weight of it all afresh. I can't do this.

You sound like you're doing well, village.

I think, despite DD1 being unsettled when she got there (which is understandable with her falling asleep and with her adjusting to life shared between parents) it's definitely worth saying yes to him having them for a long weekend.

I know you've said you can feel worse when you're not with them and that you miss them (which again is understandable) but there are two important points that will take place by him having them over not..

1. For weeks and weeks you have been asking for him to have more input, mire responsibility and more time with his children. This can be a starting point for him to have a slightly extended time with them. Even if he does involve his mum and sister, they are also the girls grandmother and Aunt and it's best they see them when with him.

1. This is time for you (and your parents) to have a break. A proper break. There won't be any interrupted sleep (from children anyway), any early feeds, crying, feeding, jobs all on your shoulders etc etc because their dad is having his share of those duties too, finally.

What about having a spa weekend. Even say-sun. Add a massage. Do you have a friend or maybe your mum that would join you? Just something to kill some time but in a calming and relaxing way.

I fear if you say no to him having them for a long weekend then if he starts being elusive with his contact again he'll just throw this back at you and say he tried? He'll feel like he can't win. I wouldn't give him the opportunity to do that. Take this time for you.

This pain and sadness has got to start to ease at some point hasn't it? It can't carry on like this, it will kill me.

It most definitely will.

It's the same loss and grief as a bereavement and those that experience death in a loved one will eventually be in a better place emotionally, physically and functionally.

You will too. There's just no time frame on it as everybody is different.

Can you look back at your original post? It's been over a month since you started this thread. Can you see a difference on how you feel or where you are? Your title was that you don't know how to get to tomorrow, you've got through the month. And you'll get through the next two, three and four. You can do this. You really can.

You've been wanting him to have more contact with the kids and take more interest, now he's doing this and finally stepping up and you're finding problems. Let him make this first step and then go from there. He has been a total utter shit, there is no excusing that but this is big progress. Use the time to do something for yourself.

I know. And I absolutely wouldn't say no to him, I'm just trying to deal with my own emotions and concerns about it. I won't deny him contact with them, I've said that all along. I'll just miss them so much and I do worry about how I'll cope with them being away.

I think I will look in to a spa weekend. That's a good idea.

On the way to pick up DD2 someone hit into the side of my dads car, there was only minor damage but the other driver started taking photos and getting quite argumentative. He backed down in the end but I was quite shaken up by it and when I got there I got upset. Not about the car, just everything, I felt really overwhelmed. He sat down next to me and gave me a cuddle and kissed my head. I simultaneously hated it and liked it. I'm sure his girlfriend would be thrilled to know he did that. (I know, I know, she's irrelevant).

Can you see them for a bit in the middle to break up the weekend a bit - i.e. Go and take them out Sunday afternoon or something? It is quite a long time to be away although 100% agree with pp about it being a good thing in general and about how far you come

It will ease as time goes on.i promise.ive said it before-a year ago I was at rock bottom.Found out about h and my best friend and just lost it totally-I had just started a new and stressful job and it was all too much. I went on to lose that job and that made everything 6 times worse. Except that it made me stop and start to pay attention to recovering. I thought I would never feel better.I still have bad days where I am either very low and sad or blisteringly angry. I still have panic attacks if I see the woman around town sometimes-particularly if it's somewhere I didn't know she would be and could plan for it-but they are fewer and father between and it's more controllable.

The things that helped are CBT, medication and talking therapy. But most of all, time.

What you are feeling is natural. Anyone would feel how you are now (to varying degrees because everyone copes with things differently). You aren't wrong to feel how you do, but you must come up with a plan to try and work through it, or else you will have let him ruin your life and that of your kids and he just isnt worth it.

I picked up DD1 from nursery and she's been telling me all about her time with Daddy. Apparently she was crying because she wanted me. She went on to tell me about her day at nursery and then after a little while she said "Does Daddy love you now?" so I said "I don't think so" and she said "But he told me he did".

I think perhaps she asked him if he still loves you and he said yes not thinking about how confusing that may be for her.

He more than likely said he still loves you thinking it was the right thing to do considering her tender age. Shame though as she's clearly held on to it (bless her heart) and thought that might mean everything goes back to normal again.

I just moved on and didn't really respond to her. It's so confusing for her, she kept asking me why Daddy doesn't love me anymore and all I could say was "I don't know" and one time my Mum said to her "there are some things you'll have to ask Daddy" which I thought was actually a reasonable answer so I responded with that a few times whilst assuring her that me and Daddy both love her and her sister. Apparently she asked him the other day and he responded "I don't know", I'm guessing she asked again the other night when he had them.

Both DDs are unwell. Both have colds. DD2 is miserable with it but DD1s seems to be going to her chest, as usual, and her oxygen saturation is low again. She's not having a nap in the day anymore but she slept so badly last night from coughing that she's fallen asleep on me and her saturation has just dropped below 90. So tonight may or may not mean a trip to A&E.

This year is monumentally shit.

He's sent an email to my dad to make arrangements for the house. He's suggested either selling it or me taking over the mortgage. Today was going okay. I felt not too bad this morning. But now I'm in floods of tears. I know you'll all think I'm stupid but I genuinely thought or hoped that there was some way we could work this out. Cutting ties like this feels so final and harsh and it's hitting me all over again.

Nobody thinks you are stupid. You have people who care here and people who have been through similar and know how utterly devastating it can be. I hope your DDs are both a little better and you get some sleep tonight. for you. It is very sad. Hang in there. You have lovely parents and 2 lovely DDs whose love will never fade.

He's left me with the shittest possible version of my life so that he can have a happier one. It's so unfair. And he tells me, and everyone tells me, that it will get better, but why couldn't he stay through the difficult bit until it got better again. Why do I have to have it even harder and wait for it to get better? While he has happiness.

I've had a huge argument with my parents. It feels like they're trying to control everything and they think I'm ungrateful. I've packed all our bags and I'm sitting here with my coat and boots on but can't bring myself to call a cab to take us as I don't want to disrupt both DDs.

The end result is that I was a shit wife, I'm a shit mother and a shit daughter,

I hate my life. I hate it. I hate the responsibility and the pressure. I hate staying with my parents but I don't know how to cope on my own. I hate that I don't get to sleep. I hate that I don't get to eat what I want. I hate that I only get a chance to shower every couple of days and wash my hair once a week. I hate that I can't make my own plans. I hate that I have to rely on other people. I hate that I have no freedom. I hate that I'm trapped. I hate that having children was so much harder than I thought it would be. I hate that having children gave me post natal depression. I hate that I wanted to commit suicide last year. I hate that I was stopped. I hate that I didn't enjoy my life as much as I thought I should. I hate that my husband was in the same boat. I hate that he chose to leave to make it better for him and worse for me. I hate him. I hate that I still love him. I hate me.

I've been following since the original thread.

I'm sure that your parents don't feel that way about you, and no one thinks you are a shit wife or mother. You are under immense pressure and still breast feeding and taking care of your girls, doesn't that make you amazing? I think so.

Living in your parents' house under these circumstances is really stressful for you and them. You seem to muddle along with them in the lulls between the 'big reveals' from your H. When something big happens as the next stage of this situation/process you are in, it puts extra strain on you and them, and perhaps that is like the tipping point where you all cannot cope and thus have an explosive row.

I have the same happen to me as I, for totally different reasons, also live with my parents. It's very hard to be an individual adult making all one's own decisions in such an environment if you have difficult circumstances to deal with. Your parents trying to control things is perhaps their way of coping with the situation and also because they must feel protective of you. Not that this makes it any easier for you, but everyone flaring up and arguing during these moments is probably a natural consequence of the situation.

Now you are faced with these big decisions over your house, you can take some control by starting to dictate how you want this to go. I think when we are able to take control a little it also gives us some of our power back. That helps when we feel powerless and are falling apart.

I have a feeling that your H may seem to be having the easy life and to be happier because he is the one calling all the shots. Yet, surely a happy person would not be able to do this to their family, so his reality is probably quite different. Just because he got to run away doesn't mean he'll experience happiness, he just doesn't have the responsibility... That's not happiness though, I don't think. It's just existing. What does he actually have that is so great apart from not having to care for his children day to day? I would rather have a loving family like your family (I know you argued but that's temporary), two beautiful children and my integrity intact - that's what you have!

Not coping, not being able to make your own plans and relying on other people is not wrong... It's human.

I stayed after the argument last night but things were frosty this morning. But now my Mum has gone to hospital as she's getting chest pains and a pain in her arm. She thinks it's stress related and I feel completely awful.

She wasn't going to go as I'm meant to have my appointment with the perinatal mental health team this morning but I told her it's more important that she gets seen.

What next?

Mindfulness. Taking charge. Find the anger you had with him recently and use it to your advantage.

He is not going to change right now - he may in the future but you are focussing too much on him and what he may/could/will do. Maybe he'll carry on like this forever! Who knows? No one does. Don't wait on it anymore. All you can do is focus on your and your girls/family, one day or hour at a time.

You can do this. Start by appreciating what you have (I really don't mean to sound harsh - this is just a coping strategy for right now) Your parents are solid and trying all they can to help and you are all just stuck in this horrible turmoil.

Plan some nice things. Breathe. Step outside of the shit in your mind and appreciate what you have right now (you really do have some wonderful things in your life).

See if there is a Mindfulness course locally you can attend. It really does work to release negative thoughts from your mind and help focus on the positive. Book that private Counselling appointment. Just book it. Don't think about it anymore, get it in the diary. Get that swimming costume on.

He won't get you out of this state op, neither actually will your parents although they can help with childcare and support you going forward. You are the only person who can. And you really can.

All of your turmoil, disappointment, anger, frustration etc is completely normal. These clouds will pass but you have to help yourself move through them. You owe it to yourself and your family.

I hope your girls are feeling better. deep breath and move something on a tiny bit.

Don't look weeks/months ahead. Way too overwhelming. Plan through today and creep forward. Good luck, you can and will do it honestly.

Mainly I'm angry because I was doing better yesterday. It was probably one of the best days I've had. And then it all went to shit last night. I did one of mindfulness sessions on the Headspace app last night. I was feeling productive and proactive. I have a telephone assessment for counselling next Wednesday. I've also booked an appointment with a chiropractor in the hope that my one sided numbness is caused by a pinched nerve or something and can be resolved. I need to try to keep my motivation. My Dad has come back and is going to have the girls so I can go to my appointment with the perinatal MH team, I'm on my way now. I think the thing with needing to make arrangements for the house is that it forces me to look to far into the future which I really don't want to be doing at the moment, I've just been focussing on getting through each day.

I'm also feeling shitty because I'm going to miss the girls over the weekend. I know that's put me on edge.

Good luck with your appointment op.focus on that for now.

You are accurately diagnosing the issues here. Now find a way through them (temporarily) and shift the focus back on things you enjoy

Bite Size chunks. Tackle them (you already are and are doing brilliantly but it is hard to see from the inside).

Keep up the Mindfulness and broaden it - order some books from Amazon perhaps. I attended a course though as I needed someone to actually tell me what to do (I can't tell you the difficulties in achieving this with DCs childcare/work/no support from XH etc - but I did it! And it massively opened my eyes to the negativity I was dragging myself through without realising).

Plan a lush treat for you and your mum this weekend. Last minute spa day? Shopping in a new town? Book trains if necessary to take the pressure off anyone driving. I can't stress enough DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT! Change of scene, nice meal out. ANYTHING. Keep busy but factor in some lie ins to catch up on sleep. Be kind to yourself.

Forget about the house for now. Maybe ask your dad to tell him that you are not in a position to take on those decisions at the moment and you need some more time. No discussions - no debate - just state that fact and think about something else.

You really really can do this. We are all here. Grit your teeth, dig deep, make a list of things you enjoy and would like to do.

I second the advice to do something different. You need to get out this rut and you won't do that by doing the same stuff over and over...
See what comes out of today and follow the advice given-get yourself on a bit more of an even keel and the rest will come right in the end-honestly op.

How did the appointment go?

Definitely tell your oh you aren't in a position to talk about the house at the moment - maybe in a few weeks. If he's living there he can pay the mortgage for a bit.

You are doing really well and things are slowly getting better.

How did you get on today village?