I don't know how to get to tomorrow

[iwasagirlinavillage]

I have a thread in relationships about my marriage collapsing. As a result I can feel myself succumbing to depression and there's nothing I can do to stop it. I already take ADs and I had CBT which ended just before the separation. I just can't do this. Even breathing feels like an almighty difficult task. I have two children so I know I just have to keep going but if it was just me I'm quite certain I would have given up by now. I feel like I've completely slowed down physically, like I'm starting to shut down. But shutting down would be a welcome relief. Although then I think of my DDs and know that I can't do that and a wave of exhaustion hits me again and I feel the weight of it all afresh. I can't do this.

Good idea!

Start some Mindfulness if you can. Small mediations from app. It gives you a break from your mind.

How are things op?

Healthwise I'm no different. Still feeling lightheaded at times and having double vision as well as the constant numbness. I'm finding it difficult to hold DD2 with that arm.

With my husband, we had been getting on better since the talk on Wednesday, he said three times that he's glad I'm okay after the hospital on Thursday. But this morning he's pissed me off. He said he could have them Tuesday and/or Thursday next week and I asked if he could do two consecutive days as that could be unsettling for them. He came back and said "I'm not around on Monday and I'm working Wednesday night". It's not the fact he can't do it, it's the "I'm not around" that pissed me off so I called him out on it and said that it frustrates me that he can say yes or no yet I can never "not be around". I said I'm the parent who is always there and he babysits when it suits him. Of course he hasn't responded. I did say I don't want to argue but it just seems really unfair. He still seems to think that parenthood is a choice.

I'm now annoyed at myself for saying anything as we were getting on better so I'm worried it will just set things back.

You were right to say it as it's true. You have to ask to not have them. He asks to have them.
But - compared to where you were a few weeks ago at least he's responding and seeing them now so small improvements just don't expect him to step up overnight

He still hasn't replied. I suppose I'm not surprised but I'm annoyed at myself. I should have just let it go. And as he's working this weekend I imagine he's seeing the OW - from what I gather she attends the events he arranges as a participant - so I've got an image of the two of them together stuck in my head. I think it is just a casual thing based on what he's said. There was a lot of his favourite phrase "it's not like that" when we spoke the other day, when I referred to it as a relationship or her as his girlfriend. I suppose it doesn't matter either way.

I just wonder how long this hurt is going to go on for. He did see how upset I was the other day and he kept saying to me "it won't be like this forever, it will get better". I did point out to him that he should have told himself that about his feelings of unhappiness with his life as a father, to which he replied "its not the same". What a bunch of bollocks. I go between being angry at him and his stupid platitudes that serve to only make him feel better, to seeing him and "him" the person that he was and I knew him as. When he says things about how I don't deserve the pain and he does. And how he wonders why I could cope and he couldn't. He even said to me the other day "I always said I'd do anything to make you happy and I still would" well that is the biggest lie, because if that were true he would have tried harder to make me happy. I get that he wants to be with me but he doesn't like the life of responsibility, that's the crux of it, but surely, in those difficult moments you should cling on to the love and your desire to be with that person to pull you through until you get to the point you enjoy your life again. In honesty, I've hated aspects of my life for years. I hate the responsibility of being a parent, I hate the lack of sleep, the neediness of children, the day to day demands. I used to clock watch until he would get home. It's really fucking hard. BUT, I made the decision to do it so I could never walk away. And I don't regret having them because I love them to bits and for all the shitty, difficult times, there are more happy moments which make it all worth while.

Sorry for the massive rant. I'm tired and I've had a glass of wine.

Does anyone have any tips to get through those moments where it's completely overwhelming - where you want to cry and fall to the ground and when you want to text him telling him you love him and begging him to come back, when the pain is devastating and you don't know how you're going to get through the next minute.

Im not sure I have any tips. The pain is hideous and horrible and I do feel for you. It takes me back to when it happened to me. I just laid on the floor, curled up in a ball and cried til I could cry no more.

For a long time I lived in the hope that he would want me back and we could go back to normal. Realising that would never happen took several months to come to terms with.

The only tip is to take it an hour at a time. Let the emotions happen and cry as much as you need to.

It dies get better eventually I promise.

I also think he's downplaying the OW to spare your feelings. If she was meaningless he would have ditched her by now.

It's tempting to believe his claims especially when it gives you hope. But he's sleeping with her, she's attending his work functions and got his attention. She therefore, must mean something

Just to be clear, her attending his work functions isn't because of him. He arranges events for a sport, she plays that sport and I imagine that's where they met. It's not like she's attending as his guest. I get the impression that she is someone who he sleeps with when she is here (she doesn't even live in this country) and that would of course suit him fine - no responsibility, no commitment. Maybe I'm deluding myself and maybe he is trying to spare my feelings but while I'm so fragile I'd rather believe that. It doesn't matter either way what it is, it just makes me feel better to think that he's not all loved up while I'm at home looking after our children. It also makes me feel better to believe that I did mean something to him after all that time.

I'm thinking I might leave this thread because being made to think about how much the OW means to him does nothing to make me feel better. Regardless, he doesn't want to be with me, I would rather believe that he's also fucking miserable and will soon regret his decision. I know people are trying to help, it just makes me feel even shittier about myself reading the replies on here sometimes.

Don't leave the thread. I think you've said now that you don't want ow speculation and people are nice so they will listen and not post about her if you don't want that.
Go back to what you know - it wasn't going on that long. She lives miles away. It wasn't/isn't that serious. They've been seeing each other for a nano second compared to your 12 years together. You don't need to think about her just yourself and the kids.

The shared experiences you shared with him where real. He loved you and wanted to marry you and have children with you. Yes the reality now might be different (although the dust is still settling) but it doesn't change the past which happened just like you thought it did.

And yes he is affected too - he's already told he was hurt to see you without your wedding ring, to be having good times without him, to be missing out on the girls achievements. He's not just skipped off into the sunset.

OP, the OW is irrelevant, what matters is how he treats you and your DCs, nothing else.

You are riding the waves and unfortunately there is nothing else to do but that, many here have been through similar and are only trying to help you. Please take strength from support you are offered here and see past the things that are too painful to cope with at the moment. No one here wants to hurt you.

How are your swimming plans? Shopping plans? Any nice treats lined up. I find it helps to keep really busy and have nice things to look forward to when it al feels overwhelming.

Keep going. You are doing very well 💐

How are you today? You seem like you are getting a little better over past few days...?

Not too bad. I don't know. I'm getting through the days but I still have that awful sinking feeling where I feel like I'm dying. He hasn't responded to my messages so I've no idea if he's having the girls tomorrow. I'm just really pissed off with him as I thought we were communicating better but he's fucked it up again. Basically because he doesn't like what I've said, that I've reminded him he is a Dad, he is avoiding me and replying to me. He's so inconsistent. After all of the things he said the other day, not that it was all rosy, but that he wanted to see them more and more regularly and if I need anything to just let him know. And now he's off in cloud cuckoo land again. It's back to "out of sight, out of mind". And it's that kind of behaviour that has made me think all along that he's not entirely stable. Not that it really matters but a normal, rational person would at least reply to a message. The end of the last message I sent said about having them on Tuesday, he could have ignored everything else and just replied to that, but instead he ignored me. It's as though he's living two completely separate lives, but when you have kids that just can't happen. I'm tempted to ignore his messages next time he has the girls but I don't want to do that because I like to know how they are.

I've got that "crashing" feeling again. It's awful. I feel like I'm dying. It seems so unfair that he is the one who has destroyed everything and he's apparently out having guilt-free fun while I'm feeling like this. He's the one who deserves to feel really awful, not me. I want to believe in karma but at the moment I really don't. How is this fair?

He is apparently having them tonight and he has also offered to have them Friday, Saturday and Sunday night. But I'm so torn because I know I need that break and I know it's good for DD1 especially to see him, but I feel much worse when I'm not with them. Obviously I won't stop him from seeing his children but he's still seemingly offering to have them to "help me out", not because he wants to see his children.

He also seems to involve his mum and his sister as much as possible when he has them so it's not like they get proper one on one time with him anyway.

It's isn't fair op. But knowing that isn't going to change it , as much as I wish it could for you.

I know what you mean-I hate not being with my girls, despite sometimes really needing the break. The trick is to have plans for when they are gone-even if the plan is to just sleep. I look on it as time to get all my crap out of the way and actually all the boring housework etc so that when they are back we are just doing fun stuff mainly.
I know that might no be helpful to you now but going forwards it's helped me to see it like that.

I'm feeling really fucking angry about the whole thing. It's just so fucking selfish that because he "wasn't happy with his life" he's fucked off and left me with a life that I'm not happy with and his children are less happy with and we have no fucking choice about it. I wanted to just have a bit of a rant about this with my Mum, I just wanted to be angry for a little bit, but as ever my Mum just tried to fix it by telling me that I need to focus on making them happy with the situation as it is now. I am well aware of that and spend every moment with them doing exactly that, I just wanted to be angry about it for a minute. So instead I got angry with her. Grrrr!

You should be angry! the whole thing is unfair and not what you deserved

Something that I think I need to remind myself is that my life wasn't all rosy when we were together. Of course it is harder now, and it wasn't him or is that caused the problems when we were together but I was still very much depressed. My lowest, closest to suicide moment came when we were together. It's easy to think that this situation has caused the way I feel, but it hasn't, I was already depressed, I was already hoping for something awful to happen to me (I used to hope he would crash the car with me in it and for everyone else to be okay but not me). It's not like it was perfect. I need to remember that.

He's asked to have the girls Friday, Saturday, Sunday and Monday night. Of course it's great that he wants them for all that time, and it will be great for DD1 to see him for that length of time but I will miss them so much and I worry that they will miss me too. His step dad picked them up to drive them there last night, DD1 fell asleep in the car and woke up really upset, asking for me and saying she wanted to go back to Nanny and Grandad's house. I don't know what's best. I hate being away from them but I know it's not about my feelings. It does make me really angry though that because of his selfish decisions I have to miss out on seeing my children.