I don't know how to get to tomorrow

[iwasagirlinavillage]

I have a thread in relationships about my marriage collapsing. As a result I can feel myself succumbing to depression and there's nothing I can do to stop it. I already take ADs and I had CBT which ended just before the separation. I just can't do this. Even breathing feels like an almighty difficult task. I have two children so I know I just have to keep going but if it was just me I'm quite certain I would have given up by now. I feel like I've completely slowed down physically, like I'm starting to shut down. But shutting down would be a welcome relief. Although then I think of my DDs and know that I can't do that and a wave of exhaustion hits me again and I feel the weight of it all afresh. I can't do this.

I feel marginally better but that scares me. Because I think "what's going to happen now to make me feel worse again?" I can't just enjoy the slight break from the awful feelings.

It won't be like this forever, things always evolve, it's just not possible to see out of the space you are in right now. You just need proper help and support to get through this, you can't do it alone. Please have faith in the process and that you'll find someone to help. You've started the process of finding someone and that's a big step for today.

Good stuff op-a small positive step and already you feel a tiny bit better...you can do this.

Well done on asking for the recommendation. Was the handover ok? Have the girls gone to bed ok?

In terms of self care - really do try and go swimming.

Also a multi vitamin, iron and vitamin d. B vitamins and vitamin d, zinc and magnesium greatly help with depression and tiredness. This is all especially important because you are breastfeeding too which will deplete your essential supplies of these.

The handover was upsetting. He didn't say or do anything wrong, but I broke down in front of him and it was more about what he didn't say. He said he still cares about me and said I can still talk to him etc. But it hurts to hear someone who previously said "I love you" multiple times a day only say that they care about you. In the scheme of things, he didn't say anything wrong. Anything he said probably would have upset me.

The girls are good. DD2 wouldn't settle to sleep last night but I didn't mind because she had a feed and then kept giggling, smiling and chatting to me. I brought her back downstairs and she just wanted to sit on my lap. It made me feel like she missed me a lot. DD1 was hyperactive when she got back and didn't go to bed until late because she was just too excitable. Again, I didn't mind.

I've got some Pregnacare Breastfeeding tablets but I've not been taking them, I started again yesterday. I also had low vitamin D previously so I'm meant to take a high dose to maintain it but I haven't been which I know is silly, so I've started again with them.

I also picked up my swimming costume when I was back at our house following the advice on here.

Go OP! Small steps. You are doing brilliantly although it doesn't feel like it

All positive op... Maybe a swim today and a rest afterwards?

Unfortunately no chance of a swim or a rest. As much as my mum is here to help me I still have to take the lead and responsibility for both DDs. My mum isn't sleeping well so she's tired. It's like she's just here as a backup in the event of me having a full breakdown and also just as a presence to stop me from hurting myself.

Oh sorry I got the wrong end of the stick-thought you had handed them over to him for a minute, rather than the other way around...

Oh no. They're back with me. He's meant to be having them tomorrow night though so I may be able to go for a swim in the evening.

When I start to feel a little bit better, I start to get really irritated with being at my parents house. They're an amazing support but sometimes that slips over in to trying to take control of mine and the girls entire lives and future. They say things like "we'll have to look for schools for DD1 from September", and I have to point out that I will be looking for schools, with hopefully their father but if not, it would be down to me to ask them for their input. They also assume there's also been talk of us buying a bigger house for us all to live together. While I appreciate the thought and their support, I am a 30 year old mother and when I get through this difficult time I fully expect to be standing on my own two feet, not living with my parents. I don't mean to sound ungrateful. Their support is amazing but it feels like they're trying to fix and control my entire life. I would like them to take a lead and a bit of responsibility right now, but not forever. And they shouldn't have to do that either. The girls should be with their dad tomorrow and I'm thinking of booking a hotel so I can get some time to myself and do exactly what I want, when I want.

My parents do this too when I stay. They are only trying to be helpful and motherly/fatherly they can't help themselves! It's one of the downsides of being at home - you'll always be their little girl. Try and take the positives and let these over steps wash over you or say something gently.

A hotel a good idea

Do try and swim and vitamin d will make a whole of difference. I started taking it a few weeks ago and I've 20% more energy already and my dry skin etc has gone. It's meant to be brill for mood too.

Book the hotel - great idea! And a massage!

Please don't worry about your parents - they are hearing you say that you can't cope with anything so naturally just trying to help. It is all well meaning.

I had a call back from the perinatal MH team. It was a nurse who I spoke to and she basically said that because the way I'm feeling is as a result of the relationship breakdown that the talking therapy through IAPTs is what's best. I tried to explain that I have quite an extensive history of depression which was exacerbated by PND and PTSD as a result of the premature births and more recently the breakdown of my marriage has brought me to breaking point. She said she will see me but as DD2 is 10 months, by the time any treatment would be available she will be over a year which would mean I'm no longer eligible for their service. She then said "you've got two healthy children, just focus on that". I hate that kind of attitude, I am well aware of that and that is what leads to an enormous amount of guilt because I feel I should just be grateful and pull myself together but depression doesn't work like that, it isn't relative to how much or how little a person has. It shocked me that a MH nurse could be so dismissive.

My friend came back with two names of psychiatrists - one is probably more expensive and busier but she is a perinatal psychiatrist. The other is very good with medication but he is apparently less personable. I have no idea about cost so will try to find out more on that front.

good work today!

Yes, well done. There may be a wait even to see a private one, keep pushing forward and get appt booked in, you can worry about the cost etc after you meet with them and decide whether or not they meet your needs.

How are ya today op?

I finally spoke to him properly.

I took DD1 nursery and then went to the house with DD2 (as previously arranged) and I felt really shit. I started looking around Facebook and saw that he had deleted me off his work Facebook and changed his name back on there (we both double-barrelled). I text him and told him that it had really hurt me and I felt shit and he had to come back and take DD2. He came back and I intended to leave as soon as he arrived but we talked. He told me he deleted me because he kept seeing things that other people tagged me in on Facebook and he didn't like seeing it. He said he changed his name because I did and he said it hurt him when he saw I'd changed it and it also hurt him when he saw I'd taken my wedding ring off. A lot of things were said, we didn't really argue. But the main thing was that he felt trapped in his life and this was a solution to have some responsibility and some freedom for both of us. I pointed out that would only work if it was 50/50 custody because as it is I'm taking the lions share of responsibility and he gets all the freedom. He said he still loves me and will always love me. He said that no other woman will ever be like it was with me. He said he loves both DDs but he regrets having them. He said he doesn't know what I think it is with the other woman but she hasn't replaced me and he isn't looking to replace me. He said I can call him and he's always there for me, I pointed out that hadn't been the case. He said he knows he's done things wrong since we separated and he hasn't seen them enough and he wants to be better and see them more and do more. He said he will always support them financially and he won't just give the bear minimum that the law says.

I don't know how I feel about it all. It's still all sinking in.

I am glad that you have finally had a chance to talk face to face but it must be very hard for you to hear what he had to say.

Well done. What a hard conversation but at least you know the answers to some things you were worrying about now. He's been a bit confusing but at least he's stepping up on almost every front if he follows through on what he says.

Importantly you guys can use this as a base to start talking again - about the girls , about arrangements. Slow steps... but you don't have to avoid him any longer fearing there's more to come out of the wood work

I think I'm having a panic attack. I can't control my breathing, I feel sick and lightheaded and my arm's gone numb. I've also got a sharp pain in my stomach.

Is he still with ow?