I don't know how to get to tomorrow

[iwasagirlinavillage]

I have a thread in relationships about my marriage collapsing. As a result I can feel myself succumbing to depression and there's nothing I can do to stop it. I already take ADs and I had CBT which ended just before the separation. I just can't do this. Even breathing feels like an almighty difficult task. I have two children so I know I just have to keep going but if it was just me I'm quite certain I would have given up by now. I feel like I've completely slowed down physically, like I'm starting to shut down. But shutting down would be a welcome relief. Although then I think of my DDs and know that I can't do that and a wave of exhaustion hits me again and I feel the weight of it all afresh. I can't do this.

I feel I need to reach out to someone around me to ask them for help. But what help can anyone provide? My parents are downstairs but I just feel they'd be disappointed in me which makes it so difficult to talk to them. I've never felt so alone.

What's the point of telling anyone how I feel if no one can do anything to help?

No one is judging you OP except you. You are making assumptions about how you are perceived and they are unfounded. Stop restricting yourself and speak out.

Your parents clearly want to help so tell them about how you truly feel, be honest. Do you have a close friend you can turn to?

I can assure you that those who love you will only feel concern and most certainly not disappointment. Any disappointment they will feel will be towards your ex.

You need to get angry. Really angry and take back control. Once you take this next step it will lift your mood.

I spoke to my parents. I sobbed. My mum wanted to fix everything and I got annoyed at her and went back upstairs and sobbed in bed. My Dad came up after me and listened while I spoke and cried. My mum suggested phoning the Samaritans or going to A&E. I've just had a drink and something to eat and I'll see how I feel in a little while. My Dad wants to send a text to my husband, I don't know what he wants to say. He's going to write it and show it to me.

I think the biggest next step is accepting that your partner will not help you. He feels immense guilt but it won't mean he is going to get back together. Even if he did (hypothetically) the relationship is ruined. The trust is eroded and the damage is done. I highly doubt he will get on board with helping you.

This is when you get angry.

Angry at what he has done. Angry at how he has treated you. Angry he betrayed you. Use the anger to show him you are better than him. Look fabulous......dress well, love your girls, move on without him. Show him he is not needed. You can do it without him. Onc

Once he realises that he cannot affect you anymore he loses all the control.

I urge you to phone the crisis team. Google it on your phone. Ring them TODAY and be blunt with them. They will help you understand your emotions and deal with your mental health. I have used their services, there is no shame.

You can do this OP.

That's all well and good but he is their father and having his children should not be considered "helping me". My Dad has sent a message telling him he needs to have the children more as I can't carry on the way I am. If it goes on much longer he'll end up with them permanently because I won't be here. That's not asking him to help me, if he wants to look at it selfishly it helps him - a bit more frequent contact now will mean he doesn't have to have them permanently in the future.

OP you have time away from them right now. Use it constructively. Surely he's just going to read that text and wonder what on earth he is supposed to do as he has them for 2 days at the moment. I think today he needs thanks and praise not criticising or he will lose any enthusiasm to 'help' of course it's not right and they are his children. But it is the way it is - for many of us - and you are blessed you have your parents to help.

He should step up. Absolutely. But whether he will or not? Let's hope so!

Sadly my ex did not. He used our joint account to pay for a holiday for himself and the OW leaving me with no money to feed our children.

Best to be a step ahead.

It wasn't written critically. It was asking if he's able to have the children more given the situation.

If he says no then I'm in no worse position.

You mentioned using samaritans before. I'm sure they will be there if you want a real person to talk to, Village who will not judge.

Why ask him that today? When he has them? Makes no sense.

Use the time for you now. Make the most of it.

Arrange a time for that meeting when you can discuss future regular arrangements, no one is in a position to discuss it now.

You ask something to do that would be self-care... Go for a swim? Works for me, a bit of exercise, support of the water, no one yapping at you. If you don't have your costume, most pools sell them.

Honestly, I think you'll start to feel an improvement when you and your parents stop looking to ex as part of the solution. All the shoulds in the world won't make him do right by you and dds. Do go to A&E, because you do need urgent care.

And your kids are better off with you in their lives, you know that really, and that is why dd is playing up, I'd guess, because she's worried about you - mine have done this whenever I'm a bit detached because of other worries. She'll be ok again when you are more relaxed again.

As he is working then he only have them around his work pattern?

What about a childminder or nursery? To give you a break and approach him about sharing costs?

I second swimming. Find it very quiet and that was just what I needed sometimes.

You can also have a good cry while you are drifting along and no one can tell.

Oh yes to crying while you swim! Great therapy and no comeback for having puffy eyes.

He responded and spoke to my Dad on the phone last night. He's having them overnight one night this week and is going to see about taking some time off work.

I had a call this morning from IAPTs booking me in for a telephone assessment. The earliest they could offer is 10th May which is over a month from when I was referred and they said I would be seen for an appointment within 2 weeks. I know it's not their fault, it's lack of availability and funding in to Mental Health resources. I just think it's really short sighted not to invest more in to frontline services like that with the aim of prevention.

Did you look up any private consultants you can go and see earlier than that? I really think it would help you, and I don't think you should wait another month before getting help.

If it's too overwhelming and you want help to look for someone, pm me where you are and I can look for you?

I don't really know what I'm looking for Broken. I don't know what help I need. I'm at the point where I don't feel anything would help so I'm lost.

I feel constantly physically ill. I slept for about 12 hours last night and I still feel lightheaded, sick, my vision is still blurred and my arm is still numb. I thought I would feel better after some sleep.

I think you should try and see a private physiatrist (or phycologist) as soon as possible, the advantage with the former being that they can prescribe / adjust medication if needed.

You sound so close to complete breakdown at the moment, talking to someone experienced and professional, and independent mighty really help. You can be completely honest with them about how you are feeling. And they will have helped others feeling as desperate as you do now.

It might also help you feel that you haven taken control and are doing something positive towards the future for both you and your DDs. Please take some action so that you don't have to feel so hopeless any more. Let me know if you want help looking.

Echo what broken said...private is the quickest way to go unless via crisis team, and you need some help as soon as possible my love...

A friend of mine has a psychiatrist friend, I wouldn't see her directly but I've asked if she could recommend someone. I do feel a bit better just having taken that first step.

I do feel very close to complete breakdown, although I don't know exactly what that would entail or how I would know when it's happening.

I have to go back to get DD2 soon and then collect DD1 from nursery. I'm looking forward to seeing them but anxious about seeing my husband. I don't want any more revelations. I worry that anything else would push me over the edge.

Good. Any first step is positive, well done, and please chase for a recommendation as soon as possible.

I hope all goes smoothly with the pick ups. Try and hold on to the thought that this is a phase and that things will get better, I promise.

But what if this is my life now? What if this is how it is forever?