I don't know how to get to tomorrow

[iwasagirlinavillage]

I have a thread in relationships about my marriage collapsing. As a result I can feel myself succumbing to depression and there's nothing I can do to stop it. I already take ADs and I had CBT which ended just before the separation. I just can't do this. Even breathing feels like an almighty difficult task. I have two children so I know I just have to keep going but if it was just me I'm quite certain I would have given up by now. I feel like I've completely slowed down physically, like I'm starting to shut down. But shutting down would be a welcome relief. Although then I think of my DDs and know that I can't do that and a wave of exhaustion hits me again and I feel the weight of it all afresh. I can't do this.

Morning. It's drizzly here. Teen is off on DofE expedition today - first time. She's nervous and excited and doubtful. And not packed! We leave in less than 2 hrs, but that should be ok.

Did you google for your local crisis teams contact details op?
I hope you got some sleep?

I echo what everyone else is saying. Over time it will get easier.

You must contact the crisis team today. Seek support and be honest about how you feel.

I'm gladyou are safe today. Each day will have something of joy, no matter how small. A look from one of your DDs to the other; a moment of kindness from your mum or dad; the joy of your friend's when they are out... Look out for them,and hold on to them.nigel and littlemiss and all the PPs who said get help are all right - The Samaritan's, your crisis team,anywhere you can go. You can do this,even if you doubt that yourself. You can.

If you took loads you would en quite sleepy and dopey and your liver would struggle to cope. It would probably be a very slow and painful process and you would be unlikely to die. So-don't do that. Do what you are doing, focussing on whatever positives you can find in each day and on the kids-and you will beat this. You can do this OP.

Hi Iwasagirlinavillage,

We’re so sorry to hear that you’re feeling like this.

We can see that you're getting lots of support on this thread and we really don't want to have to take it down, but we've had to remove two of your recent posts.

We wanted to share Mind's information with you – it has practical tips on what you can do when you feel like this and where to get urgent help. Maybe take a look and see if there’s anything which might be helpful right now.

Please also think about exploring some of the options in the link above. Samaritans are there for you too, 24/7, by emailing [email protected] or calling 116 123. You can also see the resources in our Mental Health webguide.

Very best wishes from all at MNHQ.

Def contact the crisis team op or go to a and e with your dad and ask them too. please tell your parents you need urgent attention. Everyone here is thinking of you and wishing you well. I know you'll stay strong for your girls - they love you and need you and you've been doing so well. This is the rock bottom - you can only go up from here.

Oh god. I'm out at a hen do and people are talking about their husbands and it makes me feel shit. He doesn't fill any of the "shit husband" criteria. But he's not here any more so it does make him shit. I miss him so much. He was my best friend. I miss that the most.

Well I am relieved to see your most recent post OP. It's great that you are out with friends . You are so much stronger than you realise!

I don't really know what the MN rules are. I assume it's something about taking about potential methods of suicide. I'll try not to do that again.

I am really struggling to cope. I miss him so much. I hate that I mean nothing to him. But he says he cares and he says he's sorry for the hurt he caused. I just feel like a fucking idiot.

Iwasagirl, yes I would say that's definitely why your post was deleted

My heart goes out to you...for all that you're feeling and going through. I know you wont believe this right now but you will get through this. Take it a day or even an hour at a time and one morning you will wake up and realise you are over the worst and feeling just a tad better than yesterday. Hold on to that feeling. Just hang in there and keep going.

Let time pass and take whatever help and support is available. You will survive this and have joy in your life again.

Take care xxx

Love and feelings are not switched off overnight, as you know. Pining for him is perfectly natural.

He decided to move on from you long before he told you so he's much further along in the healing process than you. Perhaps that's why he is so detached. Plus, he is calling the shots and is in control. He probably does feel for causing you so much pain. I'm my experience knowing they've caused pain means they keep away from you because they hate seeing you hurting as it exacerbates their guilt. He won't watch you in pain because he knows he caused it so he switches off.

Mumsnet would have removed your posts because your posts were about suicide. I hope you listened to the previous poster about how distressing the effects of it were to the children. Do you really want to leave your parents with your children? Or do you want your ex to raise your girls alongside the OW? Will your girls hate you for abandoning them? Your girls NEED you to be strong for them and for you.

You will not feel this desperate forever. Granted, it is not going to go away quickly, but over time you will feel better and gain more control over your life. Be positive and start getting angry. That anger will fuel you and help you start regaining control of your life.

Suicide is illegal so yes talking about it is akin to discussing a crime. You feel awful but I know you'd never ever hurt your girls that way - it would destroy them and your parents too. They'd think it was their fault that they weren't enough. If you feel like you want to to have to immediately tell someone like your dad what you are thinking.
Phone the crisis teams and the samartuans - daily if you need to.
There's no way he will want to get back with you whilst you are feeling so low - I'm sorry to be so blunt. He caused this and like pp says he won't be able to handle the amount of hurt he's caused. Get yourself in a stable place then meet with him to discuss the immedhcste pracrilicites. Get yourself more stable then discuss what happened between you. Get yourself more stable then discuss what will happen - you get the picture.
Hope you are ok today - you are bound to feel a little low as the day after the hen and hungover!

I'm thinking of running away. It seems like a better option than harming myself.

R u planning on bringing the children when you run away

No. I can't cope with them. I can't cope with any of it. They would be better off without me.

OP Please phone the Samaritans or other contacts MN posted on here.

I know you want the best for your children and you are a fabulous, but emotionally and physically exhausted Mum.

No one can move this situation but you. A little step to the right or left and the sun will be warmer and offer you some comfort. Staying where you are is hell. Please call Samaritans and talk some of this out of your system.

I don't really want to run away. I love them to bits, but I just can't cope and the thought of running away feels like I'd be doing something.

I'm just so lost. I want to be better but I'm so emotionally exhausted. I can't keep asking for help that isn't forthcoming. I know ultimately I need to do it myself but I don't know what "it" is, or how to get to that point.

I don't have the girls today. What can I do that might make me feel even a little bit better? I don't mind spending money. What would be a little bit of self care and maybe give me a small boost? I don't really want to have to put on a front so not a haircut or anything. I keep thinking of things like psychics or mediums and hypnosis. I've never done anything like that before and I'm not really sure what I think of it but I'm desperate so I would consider anything.

My Dad just started asking questions about arrangements with the girls and I just need some time out to not think about stuff. It stressed me out and I started to feel really agitated and now my arm is tingly and I feel lightheaded and dizzy. My body can't handle this stress anymore. And this is after a relatively okay night sleep.

I know it won't help much OP, but I felt as desperate and destroyed as you. It does get better.

One day at a time is all you can do and start to build some of the things you enjoy doing into your day where possible. The gym/childcare is a good option for naturally starting to lift your mood.

Make sure when the children are away you have something to do! Anything! Even if it is going into town and getting clothes for DC. Or driving to a different down with your DM for a change of scene.

I've recently realised the importance of creating new memories, visiting new places. Sometimes it's like dragging myself through treacle and my heart feels so heavy but it is a step in the right direction.

Did you find out about the gym/Creche? Do it now?

Did you research local private mental health? Do it now?

Fancy a bit of online shopping? New pair of shoes or coat needed Do it now?

Fill your time and distract your mind

Get a Mindfulness app on your phone. It helps to calm the mind - with practise.

I would avoid exploring hypnosis etc if it was me - you need a break from your mind, not more analysis.

BTW I have found that getting drunk or nights out with married friends etc set me back. Too painful. I need time to heal and move on in my head at home with my DCs. That doesn't mean stopping going out or talking to friends for support, just changing my routine and avoiding things that are too hard while I am fragile.

Mindfulness apps are a great way to take your mind off things (have been following your thread but haven't posted lately as you've been getting fantastic support and advice from others who have sadly been in a similar situation to yours).
Buddhify is lovely; I often listen at bedtime and just drift off t a calming, soothing vioice. You don't have to actively get involved or 'do' anything but it just helps to calm the mind.
There's a thread on here about dealing with the negative inner voice - lots of good suggestions. I sometimes scroll through youtube to find voices I like, with subjects such as 'how to move on from thoughts that no longer serve you,' or encouraging self-love.
You may or may not have low self-esteem and/or a negative 'inner voice,' but there are small ways to begin to shore yourself up psychologically after your horrible experience, and start to feel as strong as you clearly are, for yourself and your girls.
We can change, we're not fixed in stone - sadly you've witnessed this - but we can make positive changes as well by starting small.

I'm laying in my bed at my parents house crying. I can't cope with life anymore. I'm just so sad. I feel like such a massive failure. I shouldn't have had children because they shouldn't have me as a mother. The thought of having to go back to them tomorrow is giving me panic attacks. I'm not well enough to look after them. I need them but I can't do it. It's too much. I can't function.