I don't know how to get to tomorrow

[iwasagirlinavillage]

I have a thread in relationships about my marriage collapsing. As a result I can feel myself succumbing to depression and there's nothing I can do to stop it. I already take ADs and I had CBT which ended just before the separation. I just can't do this. Even breathing feels like an almighty difficult task. I have two children so I know I just have to keep going but if it was just me I'm quite certain I would have given up by now. I feel like I've completely slowed down physically, like I'm starting to shut down. But shutting down would be a welcome relief. Although then I think of my DDs and know that I can't do that and a wave of exhaustion hits me again and I feel the weight of it all afresh. I can't do this.

OP you've had a big day. Be kind to yourself.

Well done for seeing the GP, a good step in the right direction.

Try and rest now. Get today over, focus on sleep and healing.

Hopefully you are in bed now. Well done on seeing GP and talking to your mum. She just didn't know how to respond initally and she loves you so much she must feel so helpless she can't help you.

I didn't have a great night. DD2 only woke up once at 3am and she had a feed and went back to sleep but I couldn't get back to sleep and laid awake for an hour and a half with my mind racing. Then DD2 woke up at 6am. I'm so tired and I've got an awful headache.

I've realised I'm still in denial. I still think that something is magically going to happen to make it all go away. I know that's not going to happen but sometimes it's only that thought that keeps me going. I do also know that it is a process and denial is part of that. How long does this last? Denial I mean. I know there's no set time but I feel like I should be starting to accept this by now but I'm still in shock and disbelief.

I still love him and I miss him. In the messages yesterday, in the last ones he sent (not posted on here), I saw the man I used to know. It makes me think he's still there and that makes it really hard. If he's just a dick now that makes it easier to accept, but if there's still part of him that is decent, then it just makes me really sad that he's choosing not to be with me.

I feel very physically unwell. I'm dizzy, spaced out and got an awful headache. It's making it really hard to function.

Did you get things sorted yesterday

Yes. Kind of. His sister is going to have them for a couple of hours and he's got someone to cover him at work for the afternoon. He's just waiting to hear back about Monday as I've offered two nights. He's going to stay at the house for a while because I'm not and it eases the pressure of having to make arrangements as he doesn't immediately need to pay rent elsewhere if he's staying there. He said that he thought it would help me if we arranged to meet and talk, I don't see what he could possibly say that would "help" me. He also said he cares about me and the girls and he will be compassionate to what I need at the moment.

Oh he'l be compassionate, what a night in shining armour!

Have you been getting your ducks in a row? I know everything seems impossible, but maybe this will give you something productive to concentrate on?

He isn't thinking of you, he is struggling himself right now, you think about your needs right now and start thinking ruthless

I do think it would benefit you to meet and talk it will give you some clarity and possibly some closure on things

Hmmmm I am with social a bit. I also think you are leaving yourself very vulnerable if you let him move back in.

Also (and I will probably get told off for saying this) if you don't take steps to sort yourself out you might see him bringing up your children and you on the fringes of your own life. I really hate saying that. I purposely haven't posted and just read your posts instead. I think you need real help as I have seen no improvement since it 'broke' and we see a lot of these type stories on here. People go through the stages of coming to terms with their marriage breaking down but you seem stuck at the first post.... unable to move.

I watched my son deteriorate mentally and you do feel helpless. It makes you cross as you can't fix it. They are there. They are helping. (Your parents)

I do agree with her..... if you can't dig deep and get through this, with help/ meds/ treatment etc for your girls who can you do it for? Your problems precede your issues with your husband. You need to find your own identity and stop fixating on 'the old him'. This is about you.

You cannot make someone be something you want them to be. He has set his stall now you need to set yours. For you.

I am not being cruel/ nasty nor do I lack empathy but come on!! Do not down tools. Get it sorted then be the best mum you can be.

wannabe I took a big step yesterday to ask for help and to open up to my parents. I've not given up, I am trying my very best to seek help.

As for him moving back in to the house, I can't win either way. If I tell him I'm living there he will withdraw all/most financial support in relation to that house as he will need to rent somewhere else. He doesn't have a high enough income to cover both. All we said is I'm not staying there at the moment but I intend to return and obviously he has a right to stay there which we cannot stop.

Realistically, whatever I did would be wrong in someone's eyes, I'm doing what I think it right and best for me and the girls. I'm prioritising my mental health and giving myself a bit of breathing space on the financial and practical arrangements so I can do that without added stress. I'm sure I'm probably fucking up in every possible way. Maybe if they did end up living with him then that would be the best thing as I'm clearly unstable.

I do think you should meet to talk. You spend so long wondering what he was/is thinking or doing - you should just ask him.

My resistance to meet him at the moment is that I'm not in a position to make long term decisions because I'm not mentally strong enough to make the best decision. I'm not thinking straight.

I don't think it's a bad thing him living there. You aren't ready to be there alone with the girls and it'll save expense. It doesn't lose you any of your legal rights.

U don't need to discuss long term but u can ask him the questions you need answers too e.g. Why he won't see the girls more etc

I just called the perinatal team and they said I should get a call back from the nurse in the team next Tuesday. I don't know how I'm going to make it to then. I don't know how I'm going to make it through the next 10 minutes.

You were going to look into a private appointment to be seen a bit quicker.

Agree you can be in control of what you speak about. You don't need to agree to anything - just say i need to think about this is he asks about something like finances or living arrangements.
I think you fear meeting him because you expect a lot of what he has to say to hurt you further. It won't be as bad as you think and you have to start explore the wound before it can heal. You are never going to feel better without meeting him as you just have so many unknowns and loose ends which keep you wondering.

Take you dad with you when you meet him.
Sit down beforehand and make a list of things you need to discuss and sort out. Stick to the list in the meeting.
If you can't think straight and the idea of meeting him is making you anxious then the best thing to do is to take some support.If he doesn't like it, who cares? In fact don't even bother telling him beforehand.You need to sort some practical stuff out and you need help from your dad (Or whoever) to be with you.
As for the emotional side of it-I think you have got from him all you are going to get.You can grieve for him, you can feel angry and sad-you are right to feel all those things.But discussing it further with him, expecting him to have compassion or to change because you are so upset, is in my experience, a hiding to nothing.
Once you have an idea about practicalities you will feel better-if only in that the anxiety about that is gone.
That will help with the rest as well.

Please google for a private counsellor-or message me where you live and I can look for you if you like? You need help quicker than next Tuesday and after doing so well yesterday you don't want to lose momentum on that so to speak.

Please make sure you tell the perinatal team about your thoughts.

We can all have fleeting thoughts but choosing to act on them is not always the next step. Your mind acted out a scenario because your life feels out of control. That doesn't mean to say it will be real next time. However, it's important to acknowledge suicidal thoughts to those supporting you.

Coming to terms with a relationship bereavement is like walking a long and windy path towards a new happiness. The path is bumpy and twisty and is difficult to tread at times. But, you will find happiness at the end. You are seeking out a new you, it's tough and challenging but you can conquer it.

What would happen to my children if I weren't here? I know that their Dad would be responsible for them, but what if he denied that responsibility? What would happen then? Foster/adoption?

Op I am the mother of two young children who's father died by suicide. If only my DH husband could have seen what he left my innocent children to face. Endless nights of crying and heartbreak. Although they have got a lot of support including therapy they will always be left with the scars. For your children's sake please get help

Please call the Samaritans while you feel like this; I know you've spoken to them before.

Each day you get through is a day closer to things getting better. Your children are growing and changing all the time, and they will get easier, they will. And you will get more time to yourself, and not even feel the need for it.

You are seeing someone on Tuesday I think? Keep focused on that.

Is it possible that you would get more sleep if dd1 slept with you? This worked for me with dd2 and dd3, who came into my bed in the night until they were about 4 or 5. It was no good with dd1, just not her thing. Don't worry about rods for your back, just get through now the best way you can, and the closeness may help you both, as you may both feel you need that reassurance of having someone there.

I know you need real practical help, but you are getting through each day in some fashion, that's all you have to do just now, nothing more. I'm thinking about you, keep going, just keep going. It's always darkest before the dawn and all that... It will get brighter one day again. Just keep going. Xx