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Original poster

I don't know how to get to tomorrow

903 replies

iwasagirlinavillage · 27/03/2017 16:14

I have a thread in relationships about my marriage collapsing. As a result I can feel myself succumbing to depression and there's nothing I can do to stop it. I already take ADs and I had CBT which ended just before the separation. I just can't do this. Even breathing feels like an almighty difficult task. I have two children so I know I just have to keep going but if it was just me I'm quite certain I would have given up by now. I feel like I've completely slowed down physically, like I'm starting to shut down. But shutting down would be a welcome relief. Although then I think of my DDs and know that I can't do that and a wave of exhaustion hits me again and I feel the weight of it all afresh. I can't do this.

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Original poster
iwasagirlinavillage · 19/04/2017 09:37

I love them to bits. If it wasn't for them I would be laying in a heap on the floor. I would have stopped eating, drinking and functioning at all. They give me purpose. I know, cognitively, that I did nothing wrong in either pregnancy, but the guilt and responsibility you feel when you watch your tiny baby growing in an incubator when they should still be safely tucked in your womb is horrific. Seeing them scream and cry in pain having to have procedures to save their lives, when my body should have been enough for them...it kills you. Because I couldn't protect them from that I am devoting my life to making them happy and making up for it. But I feel as though I am failing monumentally and maybe the whole time I'm here their lives will be filled with problems and misery. Maybe I'm the problem. Maybe I shouldn't have become a Mum.

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Original poster
iwasagirlinavillage · 19/04/2017 09:39

Oh god. I'm sitting in a coffee shop crying.

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McButtonwillow · 19/04/2017 09:58

These thoughts are the depression talking lovely, you'll look back in time and understand that.

Deep breaths, have you had a drink and some food?

charliemay101 · 19/04/2017 10:03

You are not the problem. You are a good mum who is going through a shit time. You are not letting your girls down by going to see you GP - you are going to make yourself feel better again. Your girls don't want to grow up with a mum who doesn't look after herself, who doesn't give herself the best opportunity to be happy. If you don't get help, these emotions and thoughts that you are feeling, could go on for years, and that would be far worse for your girls.

2 years ago my partner left me totally out of the blue, I had very dark thoughts as I truly believed I would never feel happy again. But with the help of my GP, and various other things, I got back. I am ok, in fact I am more than ok, I am mostly really quite happy. You will be too, you are making the first step today.

Joto369 · 19/04/2017 10:06

They are the depression as mcbutton says. I've burst into tears in Asda before now and when I was bringing up my boys alone and had it I don't know how I managed but I did and you will too. At the moment you can't see a way out but there is xxx

Original poster
iwasagirlinavillage · 19/04/2017 10:22

I'm here for my appointment. Wish me luck.

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McButtonwillow · 19/04/2017 10:35

Good luck Flowers

nigelforgotthepassword · 19/04/2017 10:38

Well done for going op...thinking of you

Joto369 · 19/04/2017 10:45

Hugs xx let us know xx

Original poster
iwasagirlinavillage · 19/04/2017 10:45

I've just come out. He's going to write a letter to the perinatal team. The way it appears on the form is that my risk factors are low because I have no previous self harm and no previous suicide attempts, but I was honest about what happened before with the pills and I was honest about my thoughts of hurting myself last Monday. He's going to write a proper letter outlining everything because he thinks they should see me. I cried and he knows me, he said he could see I'm not okay the second I walked in.

I want to talk to someone on the phone to talk it through and really properly cry but I don't want to put that on anyone. Ironically the person I want to call is my husband and that's so stupid because I know the person he used to be to me doesn't exist anymore. This sounds so horrible but I wish he had actually died as then I would feel this loss without the betrayal and the chosen abandonment of our DDs.

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McButtonwillow · 19/04/2017 11:44

Well done for being honest with the GP.

Did he give you a timescale for the referral?

nigelforgotthepassword · 19/04/2017 11:53

Good news on the gp.
What about looking at some private counselling for someone to talk to-or do you have a local Mind? Because they also do counselling services-sometimes you have to pay a bit but it's subsidised so a bit cheaper than sourcing your own

Original poster
iwasagirlinavillage · 19/04/2017 12:01

I meant to ask the GP about a private psychiatrist but I forgot.

I phoned the Samaritans. I just needed to talk and get it out. It felt good to cry.

I will look in to a private counsellor but I don't know when I'd have time to go. My mum doesn't work on Thursdays so that could be an option. I'll look for someone close to their house.

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nigelforgotthepassword · 19/04/2017 12:48

You can just google for one in your area.Its a lot of cash but worth it-in not sure if be here without mine quite honestly.

Original poster
iwasagirlinavillage · 19/04/2017 15:59

I've had to contact him, via my Dad, about this coming weekend which he previously agreed to. Here is the conversation:

As you have previously agreed to have the girls this weekend, please could you collect DD1 and DD2 from our house on Saturday at 11am and return them also to (parents house) on Sunday at 3pm. Although of course you have the right to take them to the house in (our road) to stay, as they have not been staying there I would urge you to try to make alternative arrangements as it would be very confusing for DD1 to go "home" with you and not Village. Please let me know if there's anything you need (buggy etc) or need to know (about routine or food etc) regarding the children. Thanks, Village's Dad.

I was about to contact you, I'm going to be working on Saturday so was going to ask to have them Sunday and Monday. I need to speak with Village as well, we need to sort out what is happening with the house and other finances. Is she up to speaking? I'd also like to FaceTime with them each day, what's the best way to do this?

^*You should find alternative childcare for the girls on Saturday as Village has made plans based on you previously agreeing to this date. If you would like us to drop them at a family member on your behalf we may be able to do this.

In terms of finances perhaps this can be discussed via me or at least through correspondence as Village is not in a position to talk.

Do you have an idea of when you will see them on a regular basis as without a regular contact agreement it could be more unsettling to FaceTime without this in place.*^

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Original poster
iwasagirlinavillage · 19/04/2017 16:00

I'm so angry at him for going back on Saturday. He said yes via text over a month ago and confirmed in person last Sunday.

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Original poster
iwasagirlinavillage · 19/04/2017 16:18

He's so ambivalent towards me and it's so hurtful. Even after everything he's done I still care about him. I can't switch that off. But he seemingly couldn't care less about me and that's so hurtful. How can he not care about the mother of his children? What happened to him? How did it end up this way?

I'm sobbing. I can't handle this.

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petalsandstars · 19/04/2017 16:40

He's such a twat - bollocks was he about to text!

Original poster
iwasagirlinavillage · 19/04/2017 16:43

He's now asked outright if I'm staying at the house and I don't know what my dad should respond. I'm not and if I say I am then that means I'm responsible for the associated costs. But if I say I'm not then he could ask to stay there which, in essence, isn't really a problem but I would hate him to bring the OW here and I also don't know where I stand from a legal standpoint. I may never want to move back here, but I might and I don't want to ruin things for myself by one wrong word now.

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Peaches77 · 19/04/2017 17:02

Then just tell him that. You aren't there ATM due to circumstances but plan to return as it is the girls home

Original poster
iwasagirlinavillage · 19/04/2017 17:27

I tried to tell my Mum just how shit I feel, that I have and am considering suicide to be an actual option because I just can't cope and her response was "what and leave your kids?" and "what do you want me to do then?" She takes it as a criticism that what they're doing isn't enough and it's not about that. She just doesn't get it. She shouted at me and took it that I was ungrateful for their support. She told me that they're doing as much as they can. I told her I called the Samaritans today. She just said "right". She kept shrugging at me. Because she can't fix it or make it better she gets frustrated and she takes it out on me. It just makes me feel unsupported and more alone. I'm sobbing in the back of their car now.

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Underastormysky2 · 19/04/2017 17:35

So pleased that you made it to Gp. Hopefully seeing him regularly will be good. Do you have an apt to go again soon?

Samaritans are always there to listen and it will help to talk to someone in real life who is impartial for you.
Would you consider going to Citizens advice perhaps with your Dad to hear your financial options and the house.
I know nothing of this but they will know .

nigelforgotthepassword · 19/04/2017 21:15

He really is a massive dick op-sorry but he is.
My mum reacted similarly when I was at my lowest-I like to think it's anger at the situation and frustration that they can't fix it as they want to, and that gets projected into a sort of pull yourself up by your boot straps up attitude that doesn't always feel that helpful.

Original poster
iwasagirlinavillage · 19/04/2017 21:28

My Mum gave me a cuddle and said she's sorry. She said she just wishes she could fix it for me.

I really don't want to be here anymore. It's all out of control. I can't do it. I'm so tired.

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Littlemisssorrow · 19/04/2017 21:41

You can do it. You will find the strength from somewhere. Just take it an hour at a time.

Your Mum just feels helpless and if she hasn't experienced a relationship bereavement she might be ignorant about how it feels. She is your Mum and just wants you to be well and is frustrated that despite all her efforts you still feel very upset. But, the way you feel is normal for someone going through a life changing experience.

I'm sorry your plans for Sat are now in jeopardy.