I don't know how to get to tomorrow

[iwasagirlinavillage]

I have a thread in relationships about my marriage collapsing. As a result I can feel myself succumbing to depression and there's nothing I can do to stop it. I already take ADs and I had CBT which ended just before the separation. I just can't do this. Even breathing feels like an almighty difficult task. I have two children so I know I just have to keep going but if it was just me I'm quite certain I would have given up by now. I feel like I've completely slowed down physically, like I'm starting to shut down. But shutting down would be a welcome relief. Although then I think of my DDs and know that I can't do that and a wave of exhaustion hits me again and I feel the weight of it all afresh. I can't do this.

Could your dad message him to remind him of the already arranged weekend? I think you should try to go - at least for the sleep and a bit of normality for you.

Glad you slept a bit better village

I agree ask your dad to message him to check if he is still having the girls, if not you can make alternative arrangements.

If I were you I wouldn't involve his family at all just stick to brief factual texts via your dad.

I would suggest Being straightforward and clear (hopefully one day he might followed suit!) I would get your Dad to text on Thursday to say the girls will be ready to be collected on Saturday at X time and please return them on Sunday at X. Don't ask him - it is already arranged. No more than that - there is no discussion required.

Dear OP, I haven't read the full thread, just your OP.

If you are this ill, why are you the parent in charge? Is there any way he can look after the children full time for now, while you check in somewhere, get your medication levels improved, get soem support and rest, and get some proper counselling. NHS quick-fix CBT really isn't appropriate in all cases, and you need more support than you have.

And I hope this doesn't sound like an attempt to 'fix' it, but while you are this ill, can you try to take the very best care of yourself physically a syou possibly can? I know how hard that is. But take supplements - Vit D, C, echinacea, iron tonic, Tyrosine etc to try and combat some of the exhaustion that comes with depression. Try to spend at least an hour a day in fresh air, walking if possible, but bundled up under a blanket on a chair if that's the best you can do.

xxxx to you and your DC.

He has already agreed it. Don't ask to double check. It's just opening up a conversation you don't need or want. If he replies on Thurs that he can't (I don't think he will) you can cross that bridge when you come to it (possibly asking his sister).

milli What you've suggested sounds like exactly what I need, unfortunately it's just not possible. That was sort of what I wanted last week when I asked him to take them but the response was that he couldn't.

To be fair to him, god knows why I am being(!), when he has previously made an arrangement to have them he has always turned up, it's just tying him down to the arrangement in the first place that is the problem.

It is good to be fair, and better for the children.

He does seem to honour arrangements that's why I suggested just confirming the times shortly before the event.

My X is still an absolute nightmare with regards arrangements. Even despite a court order saying dates should be agreed 2 months before school holidays I have been left by him right up until the day before the hols start and I lost count of the times I have asked for dates. It reaches the point where I have to say to forget contact that holiday altogether as he's confirmed nothing and he then responds quickly saying I am unfair!!

I've learnt the long hard way. Just do a clear message just before confirming times.

I'm so glad you had a bit more sleep, the tiredness with babies almost drove me insane. Long may it continue OP!

I am feeling a little more able to cope today. At least at the moment. I've been able to come up with a contingency plan if he doesn't have his salary paid in to the joint account and I've also been thinking about what I can do longer term about living arrangements. It all needs some legal advice but it makes me feel a bit more in control and with the support of my family I know that I don't need to be reliant or dependent on him, even in the short term. I can and will get back on my feet. Knowing that if he completely walks away, even financially, that I don't have to beg and plead for him to do what he should do feels somewhat liberating and a big weight has been lifted. It also gives me a different focus.

Small steps OP. Well done.

I suddenly feel overwhelming sadness. I'm in a restaurant with my parents and I feel sad I'm not with my husband. It's not despair like I have felt, just sadness.

And now the despair has started again.

How do you know if you're having a breakdown? What does it feel like?

You are under enormous stress and you're heartbroken. It's impossible to tell if you're actually having a breakdown from online chat but don't forget you are bound to feel really low and stressed and unable to cope in this situation. Everyone does. How you feel right now is normal and understandable. Having to deal with it on top of depression is very hard indeed, but you don't have to link it all to your illness. Some of it is just the effects of a truly horrible thing happening to you right now. xxx

I agree. Sadly I felt similar and I have no depression history. I felt overwhelmed with grief, absolutely desperate that he could do what he had to me and the children, furious that we had been so let down, gutted that he had avoided 'real life' and left me in the shit. I rarely slept (although exhausted) would wake at 5am with my mind racing with all the awful days ahead, and just a look from my youngest DC, let alone a sentence asking impossible questions would have me in floods of tears. I honestly felt I could not get through the day and so overwhelmed with frustration and grief.

It was all (horribly) normal given the shit hand my H had dealt us. It gets easier, but there are still hard moments.

Ultimately I knew I could never be with or trust a man again who could treat my DCs like that. All very well for him to treat me badly (but that has an effect on my DCs too). I knew there was no other option but to look ahead as much as I could and let the horrible past fade. I am super super lucky as I have the most gorgeous DCs (although trust me they are not easy). I'm alive and I have family I love. I just hang onto that in bad days.

A big problem that I can't work out how to overcome is getting time for myself. I have about an hour each day, in which time I need to eat my dinner plus that time is usually spent with my parents as well. There is no me time ever. I don't even get to have a shower every day because there just isn't time or opportunity. I don't know how to get around this. My parents are doing as much as they can, but as much as they can do is to look after one child while I do something with the other. I have asked my brother if he could babysit for a couple of hours one afternoon, he's never had them both before so we need to start off slowly. But that won't be until the weekend after next at the earliest. My parents keep making comments about how tired they are and how hard it is for them and I genuinely know it is, but it makes me feel guilty and as though I should be doing more than I am and like I certainly can't ask for anymore help. I can't sustain this long term. I'm barely sustaining it after a week.

Buy in help. It's a short term cost. You can stay in house whilst nanny has them in a different room or she can take to park and you stay at home.

Maybe you're right. I don't want to do anything to unsettle DD1 any more but one of the girls from her nursery is willing to babysit so I think maybe I need to arrange that. Even if it's just to sleep for a night. DD1 knows her and I'm sure she's got enough experience of dealing with a bottle refusing baby. If it was in the day anyway then that would be even less of a problem.

I joined a gym that had a free crèche, helped me in all sorts of ways!

That could be an option namechange.

Grab any options with both hands. Nothing to lose, everything to gain!

council leisure centres often have crèches which you pay a small charge for too. Your parents or nursery could have dd1 and you could book dd2 in and have a couple of hours?

Hi op, I read through your thread and I can relate to how you are feeling although different circumstances. When I was 33 I lost my husband suddenly and was left with two small children. What your going through is grief. Grief for the plans you had and the man you were once married to. It is completely normal to be feeling as you are and it is going to be a difficult few months for you. You do need all the support you can get. Say yes to absolutely everything you are offered as it will make this time easier for you. I know it's hard to see it now but someday you will come to believe that you and your children deserve so much better and are well rid of him.Making excuses for him such as a mental breakdown don't cut it for me. He is a selfish person who puts his own needs first. It says a lot about a person who can do that to their children. Your suffering Will pass and you Will get through this. Keep posting

His salary hasn't gone in to our joint account. I have no income at the moment as I'm on maternity leave but with no maternity pay. So I am completely without income. I have a sort of contingency - pay the mortgage and council tax which are the only bills that have my name on them. Everything else is in his name only. As we're not living in the house I don't care if things start being shut off.

How could he do this?

His father never paid a penny for him or his sister and he saw his mum struggle to pay for them. How can he do the same to his own children?

What did I do deserve this? How much more am I supposed to take? I don't think I'm a bad person but I've had depression for about 12 years, two premature births which gave me PTSD and PND and now, in the midst of it all my husband not only cheats on me and leaves me, he abandons his children physically, emotionally and financially. What did I do?

I'm sorry if I'm repeating anything said before but have you had legal advice? That would be my first port of call this morning. Why he has done it is, for now, irrelevant.