Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Mental health

Mumsnet hasn't checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have medical concerns, please seek medical attention.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

I don't know how to get to tomorrow

903 replies

iwasagirlinavillage · 27/03/2017 16:14

I have a thread in relationships about my marriage collapsing. As a result I can feel myself succumbing to depression and there's nothing I can do to stop it. I already take ADs and I had CBT which ended just before the separation. I just can't do this. Even breathing feels like an almighty difficult task. I have two children so I know I just have to keep going but if it was just me I'm quite certain I would have given up by now. I feel like I've completely slowed down physically, like I'm starting to shut down. But shutting down would be a welcome relief. Although then I think of my DDs and know that I can't do that and a wave of exhaustion hits me again and I feel the weight of it all afresh. I can't do this.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
Original poster
iwasagirlinavillage · 16/04/2017 10:26

Again, I know that thinking about him and his actions isn't helpful. Sometimes it's unavoidable.

OP posts:
Joto369 · 16/04/2017 10:27

Your last post struck a chord with me. You 'expect' him to behave in a certain way. He won't. I have spent my life expecting people to behave like I would. All it has caused me is stress anxiety and grief. He is not you. I am now starting to let go of my expectations and concentrating on me and it feels good but difficult. For me it's all about control and I can't control others. That realisation has been a wake up call

Original poster
iwasagirlinavillage · 16/04/2017 10:28

I know Joto. But it's the way he has behaved for all these years and he's now doing the complete opposite.

OP posts:
NameWithChange · 16/04/2017 10:41

OP. He isn't dealing with reality at the moment - perhaps he can't. He wouldn't be the first bloke to stick his head in the sand. Please try not to think about it round and round. There are no answers.

Original poster
iwasagirlinavillage · 16/04/2017 11:34

That's so hard to accept, that there are no answers. It means that potentially everything is fragile. And that's really scary.

OP posts:
Original poster
iwasagirlinavillage · 16/04/2017 12:13

Do you think one day he will realise what he's done? Surely at some point he has to face up to reality. You can't avoid it forever can you?

OP posts:
Joto369 · 16/04/2017 12:32

Hi lovely. Yes I'm sure he will realise. My hubby betrayed my trust at the end of last year. I wanted answers I wanted remorse I wanted guilt. I got the truth but I spent so much time wasted thinking but that can't be true there must be more I nearly drove myself nuts. I stopped and let it be.

Original poster
iwasagirlinavillage · 16/04/2017 12:50

Did your husband realise what he'd done?

OP posts:
nigelforgotthepassword · 16/04/2017 12:57

It's a cliche because isn't a true: time is a great healer.This time last year I was really rock bottom.i couldn't function at all.Im a million miles from that now and although I've still got w long way to go, what happened to me doesn't feel anywhere near as raw.and that will be the case for you too op I promise. Right now you just have to get from day to day...

Original poster
iwasagirlinavillage · 16/04/2017 16:02

Struggling again. I don't expect anyone to have a magic solution for me but god I wish they did.

OP posts:
Joto369 · 16/04/2017 17:15

Sorry I went for a long walk. Yes he did. I let him know that I wasn't prepared to continue feeling like I was getting myself in a state and I was taking care of me. If that meant me pretending to be strong then that's what I did. He needed to go take a long hard look at himself.

Joto369 · 16/04/2017 17:16

Nigel is right though. One day at a time. One hour. Whichever. There is no rush. Time really is the healer. I put more pressure on me by trying to rush the process. I'm still not there but I'm not where I was xxzx

Original poster
iwasagirlinavillage · 16/04/2017 17:18

I have entirely cut off contact with him. I haven't communicated with him since that phone call on Monday morning. So, although I may appear weak on here I'm not allowing him to know that,

OP posts:
Original poster
iwasagirlinavillage · 16/04/2017 17:19

Exhaustion is a big contributor for me as always. I just can't get enough sleep.

OP posts:
NameWithChange · 16/04/2017 17:25

I mean there are no answers at the moment. And YOU are the most important thing at the moment. Your energy needs to be focussed on you and the girls and not wasted on him at the moment. BrewCake

Joto369 · 16/04/2017 17:28

That's your primary focus - sleep. How can you help that? Is it anxiety causing it? If you are exhausted you can't function.

Original poster
iwasagirlinavillage · 16/04/2017 18:43

It's the girls poor sleep that is causing my lack of sleep. I'm trying to rectify it it DD1 is so unsettled at the moment that he just wants me.

I want to text him. But I don't. I won't. I know it's the worst possible thing. But I feel vulnerable and I miss him. I will not text him. I just sometimes feel that I could appeal to the person he used to be. But then I remind myself that that person doesn't exist anymore.

OP posts:
NameWithChange · 16/04/2017 18:55

You are doing AMAZINGLY well OP. Cut yourself some slack. Remember good enough is good enough and things will get better. Unfairly you just have to ride the waves for now. I hope you get some better sleep tonight

Joto369 · 16/04/2017 19:35

I agree - hope you sleep well. I had a good night's sleep and felt so much better today. Warm bath a little something to eat an hour or so before (not too much) and a relaxing meditation app. Whatever helps xx

Sunshineandlaughter · 16/04/2017 19:36

would cosleeping with dd1 let you get more sleep? It's probably what I'd end up doing if I had to do all the nights on my own.

Original poster
iwasagirlinavillage · 16/04/2017 19:40

When I'm at home with them I co-sleep with DD2 and then when DD1 wakes up in the night I bring her in with us and it kind of works. But at my parents they take DD1s monitor overnight which is great, but in the night she tends to want me. They get up with her in the morning though so that helps.

They said that with the long weekend me, my mum and my dad would all try to get a lay in. But they've both had a lay in, my Dad twice, and I haven't. I don't feel I can ask though. They're my children after all.

OP posts:
NameWithChange · 16/04/2017 22:04

You can ask. You would want your DDs to ask you if they were in that situation. I am terrible at asking for help but I am getting better and learning that it benefits everyone if I do! Sleep well OP.

Original poster
iwasagirlinavillage · 17/04/2017 07:55

Not a bad night. I went to bed earlier and managed to get to sleep about 10.30. DD1 was asking for me around midnight so I went and got in with her until 1.30. DD2 woke up for feeds but wasn't up for long and then she woke up just before 7. Which is really good for her.

It's been a week since their Dad spoke to DD1 or asked about them.

OP posts:
nigelforgotthepassword · 17/04/2017 08:45

Glad you had a better night op...
A week since he spoke to dd 1?
Well-hard as it is to witness it's his relationship to mess up with them...all you can do it be there to help them through it.

Original poster
iwasagirlinavillage · 17/04/2017 09:41

I have a slight problem and I wonder if anyone could help me find a solution.

This coming Saturday I have a hen do to go to. It was arranged some time after the separation but not long. I asked him at the time if he could have them on that date and he said yes. I confirmed with him last weekend and he said yes. But with his unreliability and non contact I don't know if he's having them or not. I could try to make alternative arrangements with a paid babysitter but if he then did have them it's not fair to mess her about and I'd still have to pay her. I don't really want to contact him to chase him about when/if he's having them. The last contact was via my Dad to ask him for a regular contact arrangement and there has been nothing. I don't want it to seem that I'm asking him for help or to do me a favour. I could ask his sister as if he then had them she wouldn't see that as I had inconvenienced her. But she hasn't been in contact with me for about a month and also, if I ask his family for help, is that not like asking him for help? On this occasion my parents and my brother aren't available to babysit. Should I just leave it and potentially miss out on going if he doesn't have them?

OP posts: