I don't know how to get to tomorrow

[iwasagirlinavillage]

I have a thread in relationships about my marriage collapsing. As a result I can feel myself succumbing to depression and there's nothing I can do to stop it. I already take ADs and I had CBT which ended just before the separation. I just can't do this. Even breathing feels like an almighty difficult task. I have two children so I know I just have to keep going but if it was just me I'm quite certain I would have given up by now. I feel like I've completely slowed down physically, like I'm starting to shut down. But shutting down would be a welcome relief. Although then I think of my DDs and know that I can't do that and a wave of exhaustion hits me again and I feel the weight of it all afresh. I can't do this.

In reality, what would my parents do or say if I told them? I think they could make me feel guilty because "how can I feel this way when I have my girls?" " how could I consider leaving them in the same way their father has?"

But he really isn't worth it

Yes depression does not allow you to make rational decisions - you can't trust yourself as your brain is sick from it. So the way forward is to pick someone whose decisions you do objectively trust like your dad and ask them to make them for you or use them to vet the decisions you do make. If you feel like you would do something rash then you need to tell that trusted person so they can help you not. Because their brain isn't suffering from the depression and when you get better you'll be grateful they stopped you. So even if you don't know if you are coming or going and feel like you can't do it - put yourself in the hands of someone who can see reality clearly and would make the best decisions for you. To do this you really need to open up to someone though - in real life - like your parents or brother or a very close friend.
Easter and your dd's due date were bound to be hard. You will feel better again.

This is why I'm annoyed about this referral because I feel as though I took that big step to ask for help, but I'm not getting help, I'm getting a phone call within the next two weeks. I know that is the nature of the NHS and overstretched services but I feel like I'm back to where I was a week ago. And I'm being encouraged again to speak to someone close to me about how I'm feeling but I did that a week ago and here I am again. Short of being admitted to a psychiatric unit I don't see what anyone could do.

Op can you pay to see someone privately to help you feel helped sooner?

That's a good idea name

I don't even know what sort of person I could arrange to see. A psychologist? A psychiatrist? A counsellor? I think it's a good idea though, it would probably be the only way I'd feel I could open up to someone about how I feel - if I could go to my mum and said "I've been feeling like I want to end it all which has made me realise I need help sooner so I've been looking in to this". Having a solution to the problem would make me feel okay about telling her the problem.

You prob know already but physchologists don't medicate just talking therapy so you sound like you'd want a physcharist (sp!). Have a look for an accredited one
www.nhs.uk/Conditions/psychiatry/Pages/Definition.aspx

You could also call GP - may be quicker than waiting for another appt to see them - explain the situation and how you feel and ask them for private recommendations, I think they know people they can recommend. May be quickest way and your GP already knows the score with you.

Thank you both. I will go back to the GP next week.

DD1 tonight said to me, through sobs "Why hasn't Daddy been there for me and DD2 for a while?" and then "Why doesn't Daddy love Mummy anymore?" All I could answer to both was "I don't know. But Daddy loves you very much and I love you". I told my Dad that she'd said that afterwards and my Dad cried.

I am no expert but I wonder if going to A&E would get you to see someone on an emergency basis. I'm sure it's not just for physical illness. Feeling you can't go on sounds like an emergency to me, you'd have to be prepared to open up though. Good idea about a private consultation. I still think expressing your desperation to someone you're close to is the first step. Hand holding and thinking of you.

Please be very careful about emergency situations. If you present yourself at A&E as desperate & suicidal you may find a Social Services trigger and that could lead you down a road that is very difficult.

I know you are desperate and in awful circumstances OP that are very hard. But you can do this with the right support. As your H is behaving so unreliably and out of character at the moment this could turn very nasty if you declare completely that you can't cope.

I have faith in you that you can cope. Just one day/or hour if necessary at a time.

That's what I'm scared of. I'm scared that if I say I can't cope or anything I say officially along those lines could be used against me. Although I don't think my husband has any interest in making me seem like an unfit mother because that would mean he has to take more responsibility. I think the route I will go down is GP to ask for recommendations for a private psychiatrist and take it from there. I don't really know what the answer is, I just want to get in to a room with someone who is in the right field and lay it all out so they can point me in the right direction to external resources, self help measures, and avpossible medication review.

I think that's the best plan.

Remember that your H isn't the person he used to be.

If he gets the feeling that access could be denied to him you really don't know what he could do.

Don't let him use your struggles against you. Dig deep, focus on the girls and ring the GP for a quick phone consultation early on Tuesday morning. I think with a plan of action you may be able to breathe a bit easier.

Yes you can cope - but you are struggling and need support.

You are absolutely doing all the right things.

Absolutely the right answer for your dd. Daddy doesn't love mummy anymore, but he loves you very much.. The best and only thing you can tell her right now.

Your medical records are confidential unless you commit some sort of crime.your h cannot find out and use it against you if you go to a and e, because you feel mentally unwell.not that im saying you should, but if you need to, don't let worries about that stop you-unless you tell him, or you commit a crime that will later be dissected in court (clearly unlikely), there is no way he will have access to that information,

He will have access to information if the hospital are concerned enough to involve Social Services. They will contact him themselves as the other parent!

And yes. What you said to your DD was perfect. Heart breaking but correct. She is looking to you for guidance and support. Keep trying OP, it will get easier and nothing you are feeling is unusual given the circumstances

I do feel somewhat better having a plan but I'm still unsure of how I'll get through the next few days. I feel like I'm drowning.

Focus on today. Any more is out of your control and overwhelming anyway. Hang in there

One day at a time. You can do this. You need practical help and support and to remember you are ill. Your brain going over 'betrayal' and the way you write shows the state you are obviously in.

What nice bits can you do today? Your dd1 is bound to be upset but you should be able to focus her elsewhere. Egg hunt? Baking?

You can do this....

We're going to my brother's house today for lunch. It's also my Gran's birthday. It will be a nice day.

My mum said she thought he would have got in touch today to wish them a happy Easter. I think he should get in touch every day to ask about them but he doesn't. He clearly doesn't even think about them now. His Mum and step Dad sent Easter presents for the girls so I sent a message this morning thanking them. She replied and wished us a happy Easter.

Will I get to a point where the betrayal won't feel so raw? Will I ever accept the way he has deleted his children from his life? He thinks he's doing nothing wrong with his lack of contact with them and I find that really hard to accept, especially when the pressure of responsibility being entirely on me is having such catastrophic consequences on me. How can he think what he is doing is okay? He knows I'm not okay. How can he think it's fine to leave his children in the care of a mother who is not okay in the circumstances he has created. He is so selfish and he was never selfish before. It makes it very difficult to process. It is exactly the same as his father. But years later his father was diagnosed with bipolar. Which tells you that the way his father behaved is not the normal or rational way. Yet he can't see it.

The thing that's stuns me is that, surely his mother and sister can see the similarities. Why are they just sitting back and letting it happen? Or are they convincing themselves it's different? Or do they know that no matter what they do they can't change it?

I have considered going to see his father but I doubt he could get through to him. Although he is the one person who understands what he thinks/feels and what he's doing.