I don't know how to get to tomorrow

[iwasagirlinavillage]

I have a thread in relationships about my marriage collapsing. As a result I can feel myself succumbing to depression and there's nothing I can do to stop it. I already take ADs and I had CBT which ended just before the separation. I just can't do this. Even breathing feels like an almighty difficult task. I have two children so I know I just have to keep going but if it was just me I'm quite certain I would have given up by now. I feel like I've completely slowed down physically, like I'm starting to shut down. But shutting down would be a welcome relief. Although then I think of my DDs and know that I can't do that and a wave of exhaustion hits me again and I feel the weight of it all afresh. I can't do this.

Like on the FaceTime - he'll jist think it was an error and that she didn't want to talk. He knows you and your family all hate him and that you just said it was an error and not that dd wanted to chat. If you wanted him to FaceTime - just ask him to - yes he might say no but I think clear communication and really being clear with what you want from him good right Now. yes he should be begging to see girls hundreds of times a day but that's not where you both are right now.

About the medication, it's more a case that that team have a psychologist, a MH specific midwife and a obstetrician so they can look at it from many different angles, rather than just one. My GP can advise overall about medication but to have a group of people weighing up the pros and cons of each aspect would be really helpful, especially, for example, with my disproportionate (which I know it is) emotional attachment to breastfeeding. That's something that I thought the perinatal team would be best placed to take in to consideration and to explore my feelings around that.

As for contact, I don't want him to see them sporadically any more. It's too confusing and unsettling for DD1. This morning she got really upset and said "I want Daddy to be with me and DD2". She was really distraught and I can't tell her when she can expect to see him or anything. All I can say is that Daddy loves her. But unfortunately his actions aren't backing that up so I understand why it's confusing for her. He really does need to do the chasing and, if he doesn't, then at least that will provide its own outcome with its own consistency. Even if it means that he's consistently not here, then so be it. It's better we know that now than keep pushing and pushing for contact that he doesn't really want, only for him to get DD1s hopes up just to crash them down in the future. If he's going to let her down the sooner he does it, the less damage he does.

But I don't want him to FaceTime. I want him to want to. But I can't make that happen. No matter how much I wish I could.

its not disproportionate attachment - it offers you and her comfort right now so is important. It's also important to factor in hormone swings if you give up - might take a few weeks to adjust.
You or your mum ring them and Tuesday and push for a proper app to assess you not just what they've done.
Yes sadly you aren't going to get him falling over himself to show he wants to. You have to encourage what he's currently doing. You set the regular times that work for you and suggest them to start the ball rolling? Regular set contact a great idea so a good goal to get in place.

OP I have some similar bitter experience in this area.

Your feelings and emotions are 100% valid given the circumstances and he is a complete tosser.

I think you need to take it one day at a time and try to focus on that or it will all (understandably) overwhelm you. You are doing extremely well given very difficult circumstances - I know it doesn't feel like that.

I would be careful re access though. This man does not want to step up and won't put himself out. He will use the excuse that you are being difficult (you are not - you are justified) to switch off and do less and that won't benefit YOU long term.

I would suggest you get a free appt with a solicitor just to discuss contact arrangements. I think if you sent an official letter with a draft contact arrangement with a routine that suits you it would benefit you enormously in the long run - and it is a clear display that you are not hindering access in any way.

Ultimately, you need childcare support to help you get back on your feet, give you some strength and work out where you go next. It sounds as though your parents are an amazing support (thankfully in your circumstances).

Keep on keeping on OP. It's an extremely tough time for you but you can do it.

I've come out to do a bit of shopping for Easter stuff while my parents look after the girls. I just called and they're both fine so my parents said to go for a coffee rather than rushing back.

I'm stressing out because my card was declined in a shop. I transferred money from savings so that was fine but that was the joint account and my husband said he was getting paid this week (which normally goes straight in to the account) and there's no payment there. Obviously he could have changed his payment details with his employer. Technically I'm not living there either at the moment and if push came to shove we could move in with my parents permanently. I could call and pay the mortgage direct to ensure that that is covered and all the bills are in his name only, aside from council tax which is joint. So if bills start not getting paid then it won't come back on me. But DDs nursery fees would be a problem. As much as I'm home it's really good for her to be going to nursery. Oh god, I could really do without worrying about finances on top of everything else.

I feel pretty shit again today. I think I felt a glimpse of acceptance about the whole thing this morning but now I've swung back to complete disbelief that he could do this to us. How did I let this happen? I feel so foolish.

As you can see his guilt is slowly disappearing... more you wait, less you will get out of him. You really need to get a solicitor involved asap. Its to protect yourself and your girls.

I'm feeling very, very low and have thought more than once today about not being here. I just wish I wasn't anymore.

One day at a time op I know it's a cliche and v hard to count blessings etc but you have got some beautiful children, and they have a wonderful Mum who is hanging on in there for them. Be kind to yourself

I know how hard this is op.really I do. But you just have to focus on the girls. And hope for better tomorrow.
With the finances-you need to talk to him about them, asap or get hold of a solicitor. It's imperative-because he hasn't been great so far, and it seems unlikely he will be any better re money.

I know. It's the girls that keep me going. I had a few minutes to myself while I was sorted stuff out upstairs and I started thinking about what I would do and how I would do it and then I looked out the window and saw DD1s new slide and it pulled me back to reality and made me realise that they need me. At the moment they both want me all the time, which is draining, but what if I wasn't here, how traumatic would that be for them. And also, if I wasn't here it would be my parents that would have to deal with all the stuff with my husband. It wouldn't go away, it would just be for them to deal with instead, whilst grieving and a million times angrier at him than they currently are (which is already a lot) and with very limited, if any, contact with their grandchildren. I need to keep reminding myself of all of these reasons.

The financial stuff - I'm not going to think about it for the weekend. There nothing I can do right now anyway, a few more days without speaking to him might allow me to get my head a bit straighter.

I still can't believe that me and the girls mean so little to him after we were previously his everything. It just doesn't make sense to me. My mind can't digest it as a reasonable outcome.

You are probably still in shock OP, on top of everything else. Just take it slowly. Give yourself a break from thinking about it when you can (I know this is easier said than done) You will get through this. You are stronger than you realise and have already got through an awful lot.

Don't try and work out what he is thinking. I don't think he is thinking straight anyway and will just be sticking his head in the sand mostly.

I used to make lists sometimes - as I had started forgetting things and then getting so overwhelmed. A few things crossed off a list made me feel I had achieved something, even if it was just sorting out the car insurance etc.

Please this arsehole is not worth your life. He is not worth leaving your DDs without a mum and left with a dad who doesn't care very much about them. Please please when you feel like this speak
To your mum always thinking of you x

I am really struggling.

You are being much braver and stronger than you think, to have got so far already.

Try not to think ahead too much, just focus on living through the minute you are in. It can only get easier, I promise.

I can't do it anymore. I just can't.

Today is the date DD1 should have been born. I always find it hard. It's even harder today. My Mum said she thought he would have been in touch today. I don't think he'll ever get in touch again.

Are you with someone today?

My parents. The most I say to them though is that I feel a bit crap

I feel really disconnected and spaced out. I hate this.

I think you need to show someone - your mum or friend your two threads. I'm worried about you.

I can't remember everything I've written in the two threads though and I don't know if I'd be happy for someone I know IRL to read everything I've said. The only person that I previously could have shown it to was my husband and that's obviously not the case anymore.

I'm worried about me too. I don't trust myself.

Your mum can't fully help you unless she is fully in the picture. If you feel you can't show her the threads can you say "I feel I can't go on, I am desperate" rather than just that you feel crap. I'd hate for my adult DC to be suffering this much. Thinking of you, one day at a time, heck, one hour at at a time.

There's nothing my Mum can do anyway.

You sound desperate and you need to pull yourself back now. Focus on your daughters and the fact they need you. Focus on them every time you feel like you can't go on. Then focus again.

I get the feeling this man was the centre of your world - a warning there to us all not to put all our eggs in one basket I guess. But is this man really worth your pain? Is he worth you feeling like you can't you on? Is he? Of course he isn't! He is just a person and there are another seven billion of them.

You can and will get through this if you want to. I recognise the way you talk from personal experience (I suffered depression after I had my third baby) and I know you are depressed which can make you behave and think in ways you wouldn't ordinarily. It's scary and terrifying and when you get to that, 'just don't care anymore,' stage things can get very bad very fast. But you still have choices. Allow the voice of reason to take action here. Tell your parents you feel like you can't go on. Things can't be any worse can they?

If a friend or mother or sister or daughter was in this situation, what would you say to them?

Your little girls need you now and they'll need you for many years yet. You are their world, their constant. Remember that.

That's somewhat contradictory that you said I am their world and the constant because he also was for them and for me. I don't think it's unfair or silly of me to have put all of my eggs I one basket, he was after all my husband, not just some random bloke I'd known for a few weeks. Of course him and the four of us as a family unit were the centre of my world, even more so when I was in maternity leave and struggling with depression and PTSD. I think that's normal. What else should I have been doing other than being a wife and a mother? And given I was struggling with that, when else would I have had the opportunity for anything else. I still have friends and family, but the man I had committed to for 12 years betraying me and our children is a bit of a big deal.