I don't know how to get to tomorrow

[iwasagirlinavillage]

I have a thread in relationships about my marriage collapsing. As a result I can feel myself succumbing to depression and there's nothing I can do to stop it. I already take ADs and I had CBT which ended just before the separation. I just can't do this. Even breathing feels like an almighty difficult task. I have two children so I know I just have to keep going but if it was just me I'm quite certain I would have given up by now. I feel like I've completely slowed down physically, like I'm starting to shut down. But shutting down would be a welcome relief. Although then I think of my DDs and know that I can't do that and a wave of exhaustion hits me again and I feel the weight of it all afresh. I can't do this.

I feel really, really crap. I just want to give up. Being proactive on Monday gave me a bit of a boost for a few days but I feel like I've crashed again.

I can't remember if I said this before but I really do think that his problem wasn't our relationship, it was the responsibility for his children. At one point I asked him that directly and he said he didn't know, he found it difficult to separate the two - me and them. I think his lack of reaction/response on Monday shows that as well - that he didn't want the responsibility of them, and his comment that he had already had them for the previous 3 days says that he thought it was an effort, rather than a pleasure. But of course, he can't leave them without leaving me. Unfortunately for him, he can leave me, but not them, not permanently. I think he thought that less contact with them would make the contact he has more enjoyable, but when he has them now he has sole responsibility for them, rather than it being shared as it was when we were together. And he can't handle that (not that I can). And so he has made this decision which he thought would give him what he wanted - freedom from his kids and responsibility - and it does, for the majority of the time, but the rest of the time he has an intense responsibility. And in doing this just to lose his responsibility and gain freedom, he has lost his wife, his home, his life as he knew it, and the respect of everyone around him. When he said on the phone on Monday that he wouldn't come I said "it's them you don't want isn't it?" and he responded "no, it's not like that". Which says to me, it is exactly like that, if not his response would have been "don't be so ridiculous, I love them to bits, how dare you suggest that".

I know I shouldn't be thinking about what he is or isn't doing/thinking. Sometimes it's just hard not to. And it's sometimes a distraction from how crap I feel.

I think you are bound to get up and downs and mornings are always the worst IMO. I know you are knackered but can you set a goal for the day? Going to the shops? Park? Meeting a friend? Taking dd2 swimming?

I can't do this. I can't get through the day. I know I will because I have to but the weight of it all is so much. I don't know what to do or how to do it.

How are you doing OP?

I expect you are busy with bed time now. Hope the day got better. Mornings are so hard as it feels like Groundhog Day as all those raw feelings start again in the morning.

DD1 has just sobbed for about an hour saying over and over "I want my Daddy" and "I want Mummy and Daddy to be together".

That's so hard. Poor you and her.

Thinking of you op

We are thinking of you and you CAN do this because quite frankly your girls need you too. Keep him out of the equation and just focus on their day to day care like you normally would. Your daughter will pick up on the vibes and seeing you in distress.

What plans have you got for the weekend? It's easter..... hunt in your mum and dads garden? Go out for the day? I am debating chessington with my 12 year old having a day to ourselves. I am just worried 'the lump' will get stuck in the bars..... mmmmm its lovely weather though.

Sunday is also my Gran's birthday so we're having a family meal at my brothers house.

Today I've set myself of popping out to the shop to buy some Easter stuff and then this afternoon I'm going to do some Easter craft bits with DD1 - the balloon with string around it if anyone's seen it. She also won her Easter Bonnet parade at nursery yesterday with the hat we made together. Given I almost didn't do it because I didn't feel up to it and quickly rushed together a design on Tuesday afternoon I'm really pleased for her that she won.

Their Dad hasn't come back to say when he wants to see them. After all his demands on Tuesday, he failed to reply on Tuesday afternoon when my Dad said to let him know when he wants to see them on a regular basis. He came back yesterday and asked what plans were in place for this weekend, my Dad replied and said that as he had them last weekend we had assumed I would have them this weekend. And no further contact. He told me on Sunday that he wanted to have them one night this week. In his skewed mind he probably thinks we're putting up barriers but in reality we're just not pandering to him and he doesn't like it.

How are you ?

Not really feeling so great. I still feel like he's going to do something or say something to hurt me more.

I'm finding the constant reminders really hard. Even basic silly things - the butter my mum has got is the same one we had when DD1 was in NICU. Obviously everything from that time has stuck in my mind. So I went from butter, to DD1 in NICU, to thinking about when she was born, thinking about him being there and all the support he gave, getting pregnant, getting married. All because my Mum bought some different butter. Yesterday I was out shopping and one of the shops has moved and my immediate though was "oh, I'll have to let him know". But of course I don't. It's just my instinct to discuss things with him or inform him. The one thing that makes me feel a bit better is that my Mum said he must be experiencing similar, and for him he doesn't feel sadness that he doesn't have that anymore, he will feel guilt that he doesn't. Unless of course he's completely dead inside. Which is also possible.

Well done on setting small, achievable goals. And awesome your daughter won the Easter bonnet competition! That will have cheered her up.

His behaviour is totally predictable and following the same cycle pattern as before - big fuss and then nothing. Which then leaves you feeling even more desperate and hopeless than ever. This is the sole reason I suggested ignoring him - no way would I suggest that normally. But he gets your hopes up that he's interested and then disappears again. Like you say, in his skewed mind, he'll have done nothing wrong. The abandoner's ability to deceive even themselves is quite staggering. I wonder if any brain expert has conducted any experiments / investigations into the phenomenon.

Remember you have stated clearly the following:
-you can see the children, I want you to see the children, we will facilitate it
-just give me advanced warning of regular contact
If someone genuinely wanted to see their children so much they spout, 'don't you dare stop me!!' in a pathetic attempt to adopt the role of the ostracised (rather than the one doing the ostracising) then they would jump at this opportunity. He, however, is just game-playing.

I know dads who have been pushed out of their children's lives and it has devastated them. If the mother of their children gave them all the green lights you have they would be over the moon.

Sorry your reply this am only just appeared.
That sounds like a good day and getting out will help. Well done my dear.
I guess if you could get him to agree a regular day each week you could both plan and DD would get into the routine of knowing when they would see him . It's such a stressful arrangement. I if he knows it's every other weekend you know where you are.

Thank you. It's good to know that I'm not being unreasonable with what I've said about the children.

My hopes were slightly raised by his comments about having contact on Tuesday, but as I wasn't the one directly communicating with him he doesn't know that I'm even aware of what was being discussed so he doesn't know that I had any feelings about it whatsoever. I don't like the barrier between us, it feels unnatural and I can't believe it's necessary but for now, for my own sanity and protection, it is. And I doubt he'll like the barrier either. I do believe he is game playing and because I'm so emotional about the whole situation he would know that he could mess me around, he can't do that with my Dad. My Dad is emotional but he is very level headed and matter of fact, therefore he knows that he has no control over that situation. I'm silly for allowing him to have any control but I still had hopes of him behaving reasonably, now that he has proved that he can't, the control is back firmly where it belongs - with me, the resident parent.

I'm looking for a book to help DD1 to understand that some families are different. If anyone has any recommendations please let me know.

Glad to hear you have some plans and that you're doing relatively ok today. And well done on the Easter bonnet!

One day at a time. You're doing really well.

Didn't end up getting out today but I've had a nice day playing with both DDs. I've spent some time with DD1 on her own which I think she needed. I had "I want Mummy and Daddy to be together" over and over again earlier. Poor little thing. She seems okay and happy for the most part, but when she gets tired and upset she seemed really affected.

He hasn't been in touch at all today. I don't know why I'm surprised or irritated. I think maybe it's because I've seen glimpses of his old self since we separated so I still expect him to revert back and be a reasonable person and a decent parent.

My mum has phoned the perinatal MH team and they've apparently decided based on my referral to refer me to IAPTs. I'm pretty pissed off to be honest because I was referred to them back in June and had CBT with them from August until February this year - it ended a week or two before we separated. So I feel like this is an avenue I've already been down. I thought I was going to get some proper help this time, not just batted off back to a service I've already been to. They've made the decision that I need talking therapy based on a 2 line referral from my GP. I feel quite let down.

Did you want more medication? Because surely that's the two options to treat your current mood.

If it worked for you in the past could it not work again?

He has been asking to see them.jisf text him (or get your dad to) with the days that suit you and let him pick. You guys seem to be going round in circles with your communication and it's just causing more hurt.

Don't play games waiting for him to message just say - you can have them x day. The you, before the depression and hurt set in, would have done this.

And sorry don't mean to be harsh - you aren't playing games I know - you're just hurt - but you aren't giving him straight answers to his questions (like he said what else is planned for this week then and you didn't let him know what days he could have) which isn't helping

I would have liked for my medication to be reviewed by the perinatal team as they could take in to account my mental health, my needs as a mother and DD2s needs as a breastfed baby. Surely that's the point of having such a team.

As for playing games - he has been given direct requests that he hasn't answered. Why should I be the one chasing him to be a dad? Surely he should be chasing us to ask to see his children? Now is the time to let him be the person and the father that he is going to be and if it's a shit one then I'd rather we knew that now so we can deal with it and minimise the impact on DD1 especially. I have pandered to him and fallen over myself to get him to be the man I think he should be for 6 weeks. I'm not doing it anymore. He asked what was planned for the weekend, he has no right to know my plans. If he had said "are there any days available at the weekend that I can see them?" we would have responded but that's not what he said. He was fishing for information and stalling committing to having them.

Yesterday my Dad accidentally FaceTimed him from his iPad, he didn't answer but sent a message a while later saying he was on the tube but he was available now if she still wanted to FaceTime. My Dad replied and said it was done in error, and he didn't reply. Surely he should have said he still wanted to.

I think you are right to take this protective approach not pandering to him and a bit of distance etc but do try and avoid trying to make it hard for him so he has to prove himself. Of course he does need to prove himself but I think at the moment you want him to prove how much he still cares for you all by making loads of effort, the danger is it's all going to get worse from miscommunications and you aren't going to get what you want which is him chasing you guys. He isn't going to suddenly turn around and start making loads of overblown gestures and sending hundreds of messages for contact - he'll think he's made an approach and been rebuffed. I know this wasn't what happened but it's what he'll think. On the weekend stuff I'd have said something like we are really busy but you can have them Monday afternoon or whatever fitted well for you.
On the medication etc can you ring on Tuesday and say you aren't happy with just the therapy and want an appointment to review meds. Would your GP be able to do the same review re meds or would this team have access to different medications that the GP wouldn't?
You're doing really well and sounds like you have some nice plans for the Easter weekend.