I don't know how to get to tomorrow

[iwasagirlinavillage]

I have a thread in relationships about my marriage collapsing. As a result I can feel myself succumbing to depression and there's nothing I can do to stop it. I already take ADs and I had CBT which ended just before the separation. I just can't do this. Even breathing feels like an almighty difficult task. I have two children so I know I just have to keep going but if it was just me I'm quite certain I would have given up by now. I feel like I've completely slowed down physically, like I'm starting to shut down. But shutting down would be a welcome relief. Although then I think of my DDs and know that I can't do that and a wave of exhaustion hits me again and I feel the weight of it all afresh. I can't do this.

Everything crossed for you. I feel you turned a huge corner today; confiding in your parents the degree of your desperation AND seeking professional support, all in one day! Be very proud! Little steps but you will
get there. No more pretending to be ok! Alright? No one would be coping in your situation. Keep communicating with your parents now you've opened up. Thumbs up
from me!

Well done. Massive handhold from me.
Périnatal physchiatry might be quite drugs based support but you can choose what you want to do as regards medication. You could also ask for narrative trauma therapy from them (see if they offer it?) - you get seem to get support from talking on here so maybe a talking based therapy might work for you? Drugs for short term coping, therapy for long term fixing?
Has he given you anything you can hang your hat on about visiting the girls and what's going to happen going forward? Until you get that from him you're never going to be able to find your way.
really really hope your girls sleep for you tonight!

Sorry saw you said physchology - im sure it's different in different areas but round us it's a team attached to the local hospital offering counselling and medicated support.

I've had two texts this morning and another missed call. I still don't want to talk to him. He asked me how the girls slept. Do I have to respond to that? What is the bare minimum contact I have to have with him re the girls?

I know that I shouldn't be thinking about him and trying to reason his thought process, especially as he's obviously not of rational thought. But this morning I was thinking "how could he expect that I wouldn't have had this kind of reaction/breakdown in response to all of this?" People on here have said that the way I have responded, given my own history of depression, the two premature births, PND, PTSD and the way he's treated me and the girls, that the way I'm feeling is completely logical, normal and justified. Why can't he see that? Or maybe he can and he just doesn't care? Or maybe it's what he wanted to cause.

You are totally right.
At least he is responding and communicating with you a bit now although obviously this is.a bit too little too late.
I don't think he could help himself doing it. Nc probably good at the moment but if you do have contact with me I'd stick to giving him clear instructions as to what you want need from him as he's obs being a bit thick.

I.e. Say No I'm not ok - I need you to do your equal share of caring for the girls and give me a clear contact plan for the next few weeks so I know whether I'm coming or going. What days are you having them this week.

or no im not ok - i need you to respond to (x)

The girls didn't sleep well - can you take dd2 to the drs today

Stick to practical things only.

Him not me obviously!!

I've had 2 messages and 2 missed calls this morning. He's not text my Dad saying "What's going on? Village is still ignoring all of my messages, I said I'd stay with the kids tonight and asked if she needed me to be there today as well and I'm hearing nothing." I've said I would think how my Dad should respond but I have no idea. Can anyone suggest anything?

How's now text my Dad, not "not".

Be very careful here. This is becoming a familiar cycle I think. You are stretched to breaking point, can take no more and finally reach out to him in desperation. He rebuffs you and you then feel like you can't take anymore. You decide you will not contact him again as it only leads to hurt. He later starts to contact you asking if everything is ok. You think he seems more reasonable now so ask him when he's going to do x, y or z. He then doesn't answer, is evasive or turns things back on you again. You are even more devastated than ever before having had your hopes raised and dashed once again. This has happened three or four times now.

Personally I would ignore him as long as possible! I think the pleasure of that would give me an extra spring in my step and the energy to care for my children on my own.

However, as the previous poster said, briefly keeping to practicalities is also good. In other words, just ask for a plan of when he is seeing the chn over the next month so you can use that to reassure your daughter and plan your own life.

I still like the ignoring best though, having seen how this has played out over the past few weeks.

I agree and I still want to ignore him. But I'm feeling a bit of pressure from my Dad. My Dad wanted to reply yesterday and tell him all that was going on. He thinks he has a right to know as I'm the mother of his children, it took a lot of convincing before I got him to realise that his recent actions mean he has lost that right. And even then my Dad replied to one of the messages when I asked him not to.

I asked a friend and she suggested this and I've asked my Dad to send it:

I think that you need to realise that actions have consequences and it's too little too late. Village isn't okay. There is a limit to how much people can endure and she's beyond that now. Whilst we will facilitate contact with the children we have no desire to discuss anything beyond that given the choices you have made and continue to make.

I like that. Food for thought for him perhaps. And it's coming from your father not you so more weighty.

Well that all resulted in an exchange that made me feel worse even though I wasn't directly involved in it.

So the initial message from him to my dad was:

"What's going on? Village is still ignoring all of my messages, I said I'd stay with the kids tonight and asked if she needed me to be there today as well and I'm hearing nothing."

Then my Dad sent:

"(Name). I think that you need to realise that actions have consequences and it's too little too late. Village isn't okay. There is a limit to how much people can endure and she's beyond that now. Your help was requested and needed yesterday, today it is not necessary. The children are safe and being taken care of. Whilst we will facilitate contact with the children we have no desire to discuss anything beyond that given the choices you have made and continue to make."

He replied this to my Dad:

"You have no right to stop me seeing my children and that is not going to happen. She asked me to take the day off yesterday when I wasn't able to. I will be there tonight in the house that I still half own and am paying for and spending time with my children and you better not even try to stop me."

And this to me:

"As I just said to your dad, I will be at the house tonight and staying with the children, no one can stop me doing that."

No one replied initially so then he sent this:

"I don't want this to get argumentative or ugly, it's not going to help anyone, Village said she needs a break, I would like to stay with the kids tonight and can ask to take tomorrow off as well, I hope there are no problems with that but just tell me either way because right now I don't know what is going on."

I drafted this and my Dad sent it:

"We would welcome you having more regular and consistent contact with the children and would like a more regular agreement in place. I can assure you that we would not keep them from you but they have a prior arrangement tonight and will not be at the house. Please do let us know when you can have regular contacts and we will facilitate this. In the interim please only contact me as Village is not well and your messages are exacerbating her current mental state."

Well it's all about him isn't it? Sounds like he's beginning to get nasty.

Your df's response was good, calm, reasonable and measured.

Good messages. Well done.

It needs to be made clear to him that while no one wants to stop him seeing his children, as he was the one who walked away he cannot expect to see the children on his terms and he cannot expect to be able to just walk back into the family house.

I would get your Dad to politely reiterate that he can see the kids with appropriate notice, and that a regular arrangement should be put in place as soon as possible.

The way forward is polite, reasonable - but firm. You don't need this hassle right now so don't give in to it.

His latest response was:

"What else has been planned over the next week then?"

I suggested the following response:

"Let me know when you want to see them on a regular basis and we will put a formal arrangement in place."

But my Dad has said that I've not answered his question and asked if he should tell him we're staying with them. I've told my dad that my plans have nothing to do with him and that we are no longer his friend so we do not need to be nice to him or share details of our life. My dad is annoying me with this as he really needs to follow my lead and not do what he thinks is right. It's not his call.

Village, you are doing great today, well done.

I do think he needs to start taking contact with them at his new home or parents rather than your home, for your dd1's sake as it is confusing for her.

Maybe your dad is not the right intermediary as he is uncomfortable with your line (which I admire) and wonder if your friend might be better?

Keep on keeping on.

You do need it to shift to a more formal basis for all your sakes. I also agree that although you have found it comforting for the children to be in their own home it does none of you any favours. He has made it clear he doesn't wish to be in a 'family' set up so he needs to have them in his home or his families home.

Apply for maintenance.

Consult a solicitor.

I love the flat generic responses to him losing his rag. He deserves this as he chooses when to respond to you. I am proud of your fight back.... put you and yours first!! Xx

As so often when a parent abandons their family out of the blue he has shown time and again that he has the ability to shift the blame on to others and seems surprised that anyone could think he's done anything wrong.

Your father's text clearly stated that contact with the children would be facilitated but he just chose to respond with don't you dare try stopping me seeing them. Either he is unable to comprehend the most basic of sentences or he is simply spinning the rhetoric that he is being 'stopped' from seeing his children. Even though he has hardly been a consistent and reliable presence in their lives since he left he will still view himself as a fantastic father who puts his children first. The level of delusion is breathtaking but it is evidenced time and again in people who leave their families.

Note to those leaving their spouses: you can still be a loving, involved parent to your children without being the resident parent. Your marriage might be over but your role as a parent isn't. Separate the two and accept your responsibilities.

Village you're being so strong he won't like the barrier between you but he's made his bed and can't dictate what you do now.

The barrier is to protect me but if it pisses him off that is a welcome bonus!

I know I need to do practical things like solicitors and maintenance but I can't face that right now. Right now I have to get me and both DDs through the day. And my referral is also my priority. A friend suggested I get my mum to phone to chase it and say she is concerned so we can get an idea of timescale.

I just had a massive meltdown. My Dad was complaining about eating late because DDs took forever to get down to sleep. My Mum was stroppy and snappy with me as well. I already feel guilty enough about the impact this is having on all of them without them needing to say it and make me feel worse. I told them we'll go back home tomorrow so they're not impacted. And then we got annoyed at each other and I walked out (to go for a walk) while they told me I'm just as bad as my husband. Great. I'm back now and I've apologised.

It's so hard isn't it. I think you should stay as long as you can at your parents for the practical and emotional support. They love you it's just the tension of the situation.

I know you hate your oh right now and it's really tempting to go f you in the communication with him or ignore him so he's left worrying. But he's now showing an interest in the girls again and communicating when/if you can be reasonable with him in communications it will benefit the girls. I think that's what your dad was angling towards. Of course it's perfectly reasonable to tell him to F off but you know what I mean!
Tell him you can see the girls x day.

I hope you are feeling better this am and they let you have some sleep.

DD2 had an awful night so I've barely slept. I also have a cold which seems to be going to my chest so that's not helping.

The door is open for my husband to respond and tell us when he wants to see them. It is down to him to do the running now, I've done it for 6 weeks with varying results and it's worn me down. Contact via my Dad is necessary for now. Either it will make him realise the severity of the situation and step up and behave like a decent person for the sake of his children, or will show definitively that he doesn't give a fuck. I still think he's mentally unstable, genuinely, but I have even less sympathy for that now given I'm in the same position and I've done what he should have done - admitted it and asked for help.

There's quite a good phrase that says you have to leave your enemies an escape route to retreat. By all means let him do the running and I think you are right to but try to leave him a route by which he can prove himself a bit again - just not with too many hurdles in it.
That being said you are the priority right now and you should do whatever it takes for you to feel better. You did really well gettting referred and going to your parents.